Shineon- thank you, it means something to know that there are others in similar situations wishing you good things. I hope you reach the point where you know what to do. I don?t think dh humiliates me, in the way that yours might, i.e. in front of our children, but I do know that I don?t want them to learn any more lessons from either of us about why it?s sooo important to keep Daddy happy. Like having a mad tidy round before he gets home so he?s not cross/ jumping to his attention when he barks at one of us (normally at them, not me, I do have enough left to tell him he cant speak to me like that and expect a response) as he does a hundred times a day/ being expected to ?get over it? when he?s been horsing around with them which they love initially but it goes a bit far and one of them has decided that they are too frustrated with being tickled now please stop (they lose their patience and might lash out at dh to try and stop him- they are only 7 and 3 he?s about 6ft 2 and well built, I know he?s only ticking them/ teasing them but he cant expect them to not express themselves when they have absolutely no other way of doing so having tried asking nicely, shouting at him blowing a raspberry pushing their feet against him eventually scratching or hitting him or something and crying whatever to get away because they have HAD ENOUGH)
Actually having read that last bit I realise hes basically teaching them that ?whatever you do I am the one who will decide when you?ve had enough. Not you.? He?ll just rationalise that with ?don?t be so ridiculous I am playing with them. We?re boys, we get a bit carried away sometimes.? And I will be accused of being oversensitive and weird.
God that sounds awful :(
My initial post might have been misleading. I don?t really think he would do anything physically violent, in the 17 years we have been together there has only been one small incident where we were both totally drunk out of our silly skulls and had a flaming row, he slapped my face to stop me being so hysterical. Not even hard enough to leave a mark, but the sound it made shocked us both into stopping what we were doing. That was 7 years ago and I don?t feel/have never felt scared of him physically. I really do not believe he would hurt me or either of our children in violence. But the mistrust I have in him because of the phone is making me mistrust everything about him and my brain is working overtime.
I guess what I am struggling with is that after the stuff that happened after my threads in September, when I sort of accepted that I was not rubbish with money, I was not BU to want him to put more into our marriage financially, I should not accept him controlling everything or belittling me or put up with having to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace, I have lost the anger and feeling of indignation that I had back then.. I wish I had taken the bull by the horns and asked him to leave at that point but I missed the opportunity.
I don?t have anyone in real life to talk to about this- not for the hours I would probably need anyway! I need someone to help me decide if I have a right to feel this way, as he is good at persuading me that I don?t and he is making a massive sacrifice in trying to keep me happy.
Little things have changed since September, he has made efforts to not be so controlling but we differ in what we think this is. Eg his moody silences and short, terse responses to things he doesn?t like I see as controlling. He says that the alternative is that he starts a row. To me this is no different. The flip side he raises is that why should he just put up with what he sees as me being unreasonable if I am not doing it? I am going round in circles.
Someone else upthread (cant remember who- so sorry, am stealth posting and so have not got whole thread to hand) asked what made me think he was spying on me. And I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe he's right, I am wierd.
Blimey this is long. Sorry. Just need to get it out somehow.