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Original poster

Boyfriend has just announced he's depressed and left the house crying, don't know what to do

82 replies

worriedgirlfriend · 26/02/2012 16:41

Well the main point of my post is in the title. I'm really, really concerned. Me and my boyfriend have been arguing a lot this weekend over something I am sure I was in the right about, which he finally apologised for today. He went out drinking last night and stayed out till 4am and woke up this morning extremely hungover. I was a bit hard on him this morning and said he had better treat me really well for the next few days because he owed it to me - he's been quite disrespectful lately, swearing at me if I try to bring up a minor problem, etc.

But anyway we made up and went out for lunch, but in the end he wouldn't eat anything and just had a pint as 'hair of the dog'. He looked like he was about to cry so I asked him what was wrong, he said uni work is getting him down and he doesn't know what he's doing there and had tears in his eyes, looked awful, so we left the pub and came home. I thought we'd have a cuddle and he'd have a little cry and I'd comfort him - this is what usually happens when we argue, as he can be quite sensitive.

But today we came home and he refused to come near me. I tried to ask him what was wrong, as he was crying his eyes out but he refused to say or have a hug. Eventually he just said 'I've been feeling so sad for weeks but just hiding it, I'm so so low, I'm so sad all the time'. I said 'Is it the relationship? Is it me?' and he said 'maybe. I don't know what it is', but eventually he said that it's just EVERYTHING. I tried to give him advice and a cuddle, asking him if he would like me to go to the doctor with him tomorrow if has been feeling depressed for weeks, or telling him now that he's talked about it he might start to feel better. But he refused to even look at me or let me cuddle him, which is not like him at all.

I am devastated because I thought we were back to normal and now he's like this. We have had a shit time the last few days, so I'm sure that contributed to why he feels so bad, but we made up. Also the last few weeks, while he has been a bit less affectionate, he hasn't been acting particularly weirdly or like he's sad - but he says that he has been feeling very sad inside. Yet he has been hiding it well as he's been out with his mates a lot.

Anyway. Now he's left the house puffy-faced from weeping and says he doesn't know when he'll be back. He's taken his laptop and phone. Now obviously I'm sitting in our flat crying my eyes out with no idea what the hell to do. If he does come back... how do I support him? Should I just completely leave him alone, if he doesn't want my help? What would you do?

Please help. This is pretty new to me and I have no idea what to do. We're both 20 and have been living (I thought happily) together since last summer.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 26/02/2012 16:47

Hmm, I know it's a bit hard-hearted & cynical, but sudden onset post-drinking depression doesn't impress me much. He probably does feel like shit, but it could well be the low from having drunk too much. I'd also be wondering where exactly he was last night, and wouldn't be surprised if he shagged someone else. Seems all very sudden.

ImperialBlether · 26/02/2012 16:54

I think it's one of two things.

One is that he's got a problem with depression, has had it for years, on and off, but has been able to hide it from people. He's going through a bad time with it now and is able to confide in you.

The second is that he did something a while ago that makes him feel really awful about himself, like sleeping with another woman. Something that makes him unable to face you. In that case, he's telling you half of the story.

maybenow · 26/02/2012 16:58

alcohol is a depressant so if he's been generally just a bit down about whatever then all the extra drinking could have just brought him crashing down. and if he's not eating properly then low blood sugar can also make you really dive in mood.

i don't know what to say to you, there's nothing you can do, but wait for him to come back, and have a think about your happiness and whether you are content and if there are any changes you'd like to make to your life/lives.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 26/02/2012 17:00

Alcohol and tiredness are a killer if you are already prone to depression. I barely drink as even one G&T can make me feel panicky the next day.
Has he any money problems, is he failing exams or anything?

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 17:03

I can't add to the excellent summations above except to say that I find it significant that he not so depressed or upset that he's forgotten to take his phone and his laptop with him.

If/when he returns, all you can do is play it by ear but bear in mind the voices of bitter experience here before you rush to 'support' him.

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2012 17:05

Sounds a bit like a guilty conscience to me.

Doha · 26/02/2012 17:09

He took his laptop and phone ????????????????

Hmmmmmmmm---hiding something perhaps??????????

Dee03 · 26/02/2012 17:10

Agree with the others I'm afraid

SorryMyLollipop · 26/02/2012 17:14

I wouldn't worry about his health too much. As others have said he took his laptop and phone - what for? To contact OW? It definitely sounds like a guilty conscience if he can't look at you etc. Sorry but that's what I think.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 26/02/2012 17:16

Blimey - I'm a bit Hmm at the assumption that he's been up to no good.

OP - it may be the case and only you can know whether he's the sort of person who would do that but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion immediately. Him not talking/cuddling to doesn't necessarily mean that you are the problem just that he's withdrawing like depressed people often do.

My son is 20 and had a similar episode last year. It was triggered by a fairly heavy drinking holiday which obviously accelerated his depressive tendencies. Like your bf OP he was worried about uni, about what there would be for him at the end of it considering the job situation, about growing up and taking responsibility in general.

I do think you should see if he'll go to the doctors if he's been like this for some time. Or actually would he approach student support at university for some counselling? They are very used to issues like this and he would be able to talk to someone pretty quickly.

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 17:19

Forewarned is forearmed, honey, and you're best advised to prepare yourself for the revelation that he's been seeing someone else for the past few weeks.

He may have been with her last night or he may have got well and truly ratarsed because he knows that you're likely to find out that he's been playing away in the near future.

If this is the case, the tears and alleged depression are merely window dressing designed to divert your eye from the elephant in the room which is his infidelity.

Selks · 26/02/2012 17:23

Well young men are prone to bottling up depression. It doesn't have to be anything to do with the relationship, you, or anything that he's done.

I'd see how he is over the next week or so and if he is still as low, get him to the doctor. The drinking is not going to be helping him in how he feels. Encourage him to have a week off alcohol - remind him that it is a depressant. And encourage him to eat and get enough sleep.

Encourage (but don't pressure) him to talk to you about how he is feeling. And don't take it personally. It's not necessarily about you.

Selks · 26/02/2012 17:27

And re taking the laptop and phone business. Nowhere in the OP's post can I see that they live together, therefore if he has gone home to his own place taking his laptop (especially as he is a student) and phone is hardly unreasonable or a sign if infidelity.

There seem to be people reading things through their own agenda on this thread.

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 17:36

Perhaps there's a clue in the part where the OP says 'I'm sitting in our flat' Selks?

maybenow · 26/02/2012 17:41

and the bit where OP says "We're both 20 and have been living (I thought happily) together since last summer."

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 17:44

IME a depressed individual who takes themself off out on a Sunday afternoon from a shared residence to clear their head or gain another perspective will often take their phone with them, but rarely bothers to ensure that their laptop is also en voyage.

Of course, he may have simply taken his laptop with him to the library or to the home of a fellow student on the same course to catch up on the all the work he should have done while he's been out with his mates, and which may be the underlying cause of his depression now that exams are looming Hmm

Is the uni bar open OP?

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/02/2012 17:58

i guess till he comes back there isnt anything you can do

when he does, try to get him to go and see a doctor and talk to them - even possibly see a counsellor

he is asking you for help, please listen to him and be there for him

maybe he has been unfaithful - maybe not - but he is unhappy about something and he needs help

depression is a silent killer - i know this only too well - my dh committed suicide april last year due to depression :(

xkittyx · 26/02/2012 18:01

I think it sounds like he snogged/shagged someone the night before.

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 18:12

I am so very sorry for your loss, Blondes, but I'm sure you'll agree that staying in a relationship out of fear of what a partner may do if you pull the plug is not to be recommended.

When he returns, cut him some slack by not going into one, demanding to know where he's been, etc, worried, and listen to what he has to say - but don't let your concern for him allow you to lose sight of the fact that you have every right to expect honesty from him.

RabidEchidna · 26/02/2012 18:29

Puts my money on him having shagged around

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/02/2012 18:43

oh god, i didnt mean that - no one should ever stay in a relationship for fear of what may happen

just meant he is saying he is depressed and i think he needs to go to a doctor

saying that dh saw doctors and was on antip;s etc but still wasnt enough - what i have learnt through counselling etc is that if someone wants to kill theirselves and die then they will and there is nothing you, me or anyone could have done

sorry that sounds really morbid, but sounds to me that op loves her man and yes maybe he has a guilty conscience but maybe he doesnt as well - tho the laptop and phone thing seem a bit weird and tbh if someone is that depressed they dont think about taking belongings

TheLightPassenger · 26/02/2012 19:11

see how he is over next day or two when hangover has worn off. if he is still expressing feeling so down, encourage him to see his GP/use your uni's counselling services.

FabbyChic · 26/02/2012 19:16

Be there for him, listen when he talks, but don't badger him or try for a cuddle, seriously cuddles don't cut it with depression and won't make him better. He needs to talk to a professional and get some outside help.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:21

I would second that he has something else bearing heavily on his mind, and it's his own behaviour at some point over the last little while that is making him act like a guilty little boy

why are you living together so young, btw ?

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 19:34

I know you didn't mean that, Blondes and I apologise if it appeared that was what I was implying.

As you sadly know, if someone is determined to end their life it is not within the power of anyone else, whether they be family, friend, stranger, or professional, to prevent them from achieving their aim sooner or later.

A death by suicide can impact on many and it can be so hard for those affected to truly comprend that, no matter what the circumstances, they have nothing to reproach themselves for.

I hope you take comfort from the happy times you shared with your late dh and that these will be the memories you take forward into the future.