Boyfriend has just announced he's depressed and left the house crying, don't know what to do

[worriedgirlfriend]

Well the main point of my post is in the title. I'm really, really concerned. Me and my boyfriend have been arguing a lot this weekend over something I am sure I was in the right about, which he finally apologised for today. He went out drinking last night and stayed out till 4am and woke up this morning extremely hungover. I was a bit hard on him this morning and said he had better treat me really well for the next few days because he owed it to me - he's been quite disrespectful lately, swearing at me if I try to bring up a minor problem, etc.

But anyway we made up and went out for lunch, but in the end he wouldn't eat anything and just had a pint as 'hair of the dog'. He looked like he was about to cry so I asked him what was wrong, he said uni work is getting him down and he doesn't know what he's doing there and had tears in his eyes, looked awful, so we left the pub and came home. I thought we'd have a cuddle and he'd have a little cry and I'd comfort him - this is what usually happens when we argue, as he can be quite sensitive.

But today we came home and he refused to come near me. I tried to ask him what was wrong, as he was crying his eyes out but he refused to say or have a hug. Eventually he just said 'I've been feeling so sad for weeks but just hiding it, I'm so so low, I'm so sad all the time'. I said 'Is it the relationship? Is it me?' and he said 'maybe. I don't know what it is', but eventually he said that it's just EVERYTHING. I tried to give him advice and a cuddle, asking him if he would like me to go to the doctor with him tomorrow if has been feeling depressed for weeks, or telling him now that he's talked about it he might start to feel better. But he refused to even look at me or let me cuddle him, which is not like him at all.

I am devastated because I thought we were back to normal and now he's like this. We have had a shit time the last few days, so I'm sure that contributed to why he feels so bad, but we made up. Also the last few weeks, while he has been a bit less affectionate, he hasn't been acting particularly weirdly or like he's sad - but he says that he has been feeling very sad inside. Yet he has been hiding it well as he's been out with his mates a lot.

Anyway. Now he's left the house puffy-faced from weeping and says he doesn't know when he'll be back. He's taken his laptop and phone. Now obviously I'm sitting in our flat crying my eyes out with no idea what the hell to do. If he does come back... how do I support him? Should I just completely leave him alone, if he doesn't want my help? What would you do?

Please help. This is pretty new to me and I have no idea what to do. We're both 20 and have been living (I thought happily) together since last summer.

thank you izzy sorry didnt mean to hijack thread

op - its been 3 hrs -has oh returned/made contact?

Hows it going worried?? Has he come back yet???

God, you're both only 20, living together and he's just started uni (what do you do by the way, sorry if I missed it, or you didn't mention it).

I think frankly he is overwhelmed with the uni and domestic situation, probably all happened round the same time.....

Taking his laptop and mobile does not bode good.

Be there for him but don't be a martyr, please.

You are only 20, your whole life ahead of you - and too short to spend any time in relationships that do you NO GOOD!

i.e. if it stresses you out more than it makes you feel good, time to check out, that's my mantra....

Oh, Blondes, I am so sorry to hear that....

Seems I need to read opening posts better!

Whether or not he's been unfaithful, I'm not sure- but I am certain that he is telling you that he is not happy in this relationship and wants out. He's just not being very clear about it.

Sorry, OP.

Hi guys - about the idea of him being unfaithful - I know you'll all think I'm naive but I think that's really, incredibly unlikely. Especially the idea that he would have been seeing someone else for the last few weeks. It's just, so not him, it really isn't. Re. the laptop thing - the reason he took it became clear when he called me to say he was thinking about going to his mum's for a few days - I think he just wanted to have his stuff with him, as in his confused state of mind, he thought that he would have clothes and everything waiting for him at his mum's house, but not his laptop. And we share his laptop most of the time anyway and he's always leaving his facebook account switched on and I click on his messages etc... nothing dodgy. Anyway I can be a jealous person but I am sure he hasn't been unfaithful. He's been under a lot of pressure lately, but he wouldn't do that to me. Call me stupid, but I do trust him, and will do until proved otherwise. I think it's more that we've been arguing lots lately so in his post-drunken depressive haze today, he took it out on me. I trust him 100 percent. And, for the cynics who think no man can be trusted not to cheat, in my tiny town, if he ever did cheat on me I'd know about it... anyway that's not the point, I trust him.

I completely agree with those posters who said I probably shouldn't have too much sympathy with post-alcohol depression, but I do still worry about him.
However this afternoon my worry changed to anger, when, after telling me he couldn't be around me, I called him and he said he was at his mates' house playing Xbox and would probably head home to his mum's later - found that incredibly hurtful as he couldn't be around me (and I was trying to be so sympathetic) but could be around his mates. Then he put the phone down on me. So I got incredibly upset and angry and decided to get on a train back to MY hometown as I wanted to be with my mum.

As soon as I got back home (as in my parents'), he called me crying and apologising for pushing me away and saying 'I'm so sorry, of course it's not a problem with our relationship, how stupid of me, you' again and again and begging me to come home. He's still talking about how he feels so sad all the time lately and doesn't know why. I don't know how seriously to take him tbh. He can be a VERY emotional person, so I've just been kind and said that it's OK, but he needs to go to sleep and eat something and see how he feels in the morning, and that I love him. I don't think he should be self-diagnosing as depressed after one day, should he?! It could be a bit of an exaggeration brought on by varius factors.

NB: He hasn't just started uni, he's in his final year and freaking out about it. Sorry if I accidentally implied he'd just started. We have been going out since first year.

To tethersend, I appreciate how I might seem like that, but this is one week of arguing and unhappiness we've had in a blissfully happy relationship of over two years. I don't think he 'wants out'. We've spent six happy months living together so far, and it's been fantastic. I see this as a bump in the road that I want to work past as best I can.

Anyfucker, well I'm 20 he's 21. We're living together at this age because we have been very much in love for two and a half years and up to now, it's all been fab. I've been so happy living with him which is why I'm determined to help him work through whatever's up with him. He is honestly usually the loveliest and kindest man.

Thank you all very much for your advice.... even those who assume he has cheated on me.... grrrr. Honestly you'd have to meet him to understand. He's SUCH a loveable geeky sort. Not a 'lad'. And he gets all worried, and sad, because he bottles stuff up sometimes I think, especially when we've been arguing. I'm sure it's not an infidelity thing - I'm sure it's the post-alcohol blues bringing out his sadness about other issues.

OH MY GOD what a stupidly long post. Feel free to ignore unless you have a spare hour!

I think he should speak to his tutor about his panic and worry about the course. It's really common for third years to freak out (often because they realise they should have worked harder - it's a bit like Judgement Day, isn't it?) If he speaks to his tutor he should be reassured and motivated to continue with his work.

I hope it goes well for you - I remember being 20 and madly in love, but remember 'mad' is the word - you need to care for yourself as well as for him.

forcedinsomnia - I hope you don't think I'm heartless not waiting to see if he returned and instead going to stay at my mum's. It's just, when we've argued before or he's been rude to me and gone away, he's always stayed out a long time then come back to find me crying. He kept texting me saying 'leave me alone, I just need space' in a very callous way so I thought it would be wise to text back, 'OK, cool, I need space too' and actually give him some space.

Have just had a long conversation with him on the phone and he has said the only thing he has been feeling guilty about is not treating me properly lately and he should have apologised a long time ago for being disrespectful to me recently in our disagreements. Him taking responsibility for his actions has enabled me to be more sympathetic and kind and to work out a plan of action with him regarding uni work as suggested by ImperialBlether.
It might be worth mentioning his grandad died two weeks ago. Although he was not remotely close to his grandad, he has told me before that what actually upset him about his elderly grandfather with dementia was that he never had a chance to be close to him. He did not cry about the death at all. I can't help wondering if his behaviour today was, to some extent, repressed/delayed grief. I don't know why I didn't mention this in my original post. It's been a hard and confusing day.

OP, congratulations on managing to look past the usual MN response.

And about being 20, well I would guess that there are many MNers here who met their DP/Hs at school and have been with them for many years.

If he stays depressed then I would suggest you try to let other people in his life know and pull them around him. Along with you they may help too.

Blonde's... i've had that event in my life as well and I was probably thinking the same as you while reading many of these replies. The rate is highest in men of late teens and early twenties.

It looks like the OP is going to show some compassion right up until the point that she learns there's a reason not to. That makes you a better person in my view OP and regardless of the outcome you can feel better about yourself for having done it this way.

so he was perfectly OK when playing x-box and being able to reject you, but when you let him know you were not focussing on him, he turns on the tears . Don't get too caught up in "working at it". He should be making some effort too. If he mentions depression/course stress again, encourage him to speak to GP and course tutor.

He may be an arse but fwiw I think that you should also post in mental health as the sheer weight of assumptions on this thread are astonishing.

People, in particular young men, with depression will go to great lengths to conceal it. Having confessed to you he may well have decided that the revelation was awful and left you to go to the security of 'looking normal'.

Depressed men often hate the exposed vulnerability and think they will be despised and rejected. How many times did we hear Gary Speeds closest male friends discussing how he was chatting and laughing hours before he killed himself.

Of course it is possible it is a guilty secret. But to play fast and lose with what may be a young man opening up about the extent of his depression for the first time is pretty shocking to me. Uni students are under huge pressure. My sons friend lost a sibling about three months ago.

I would rather take the depression seriously and risk finding out he had shagged around rather than assume he shagged around and risk the alternative.

Pretty shocked to be honest. No wonder male depression so often results in suicide.

Pagwatch, I agree with you. I really don't think he's suicidal but I am also much more inclined to believe he's been hiding depression or just sadness for sometime that is now coming out. Shagged someone else? PFFFT. To me that is just funny. I think while immediate evidence may look suspicious, you have to have some basic trust in your partner and not turn to cheating as the first explanation. For an example of how much I can trust him, once his ex-girlfriend was emailing him questions about his uni course (she does the same one at another uni) and he came to tell me just because he thought 'it felt dishonest' not to tell me and to check I didn't feel weird about it. If he ever did cheat on me I don't think he'd manage to lie about it!
He is being an arse, or he was yesterday, but I've been an arse before, and he's forgiven me. Haven't we all been, at some point? I was a hormonal bitch the other week and he didn't start accusing me of sleeping around, and was stil there to support me!
That's awful about your son's friend.

TheLightPassenger, well my mum shared your opinion, she advised me that even if he does have depression I didn't deserve to have him swear at me, go to his mates' to play Xbox, slam the phone down on me, tell me he was going back to his mum's (3 hours away) and refuse to say goodbye. His behaviour depressed or not was outrageous. She thought he was using me take out some of his feelings on and if I got the train back to hers he'd soon call me apologising and would realise he couldn't reject me and then just come home to me sitting crying for him. I did that and she was proved right. However now he's apologised I will support him as much as I can.

Yogii, thanks for the support. When I saw the initial stream of 'he's cheating on you' comments I was suddenly horrified - then I pulled myself together and realised that just couldn't be the case. Great idea about telling a mutual friend. We have a male mutual 'best friend' I know I can trust to not tell my boyfriend that I've asked him to try to cheer him up. Might do that. It feels like a bit of a breach of trust though - I don't know if I'd want him to tell my friends something like that without asking me first. What do you think?

Do you ever talk to his mum? If it's not just a hungover blip, and he continues to feel overwhelmed probably worth giving her a heads up or at least encouraging him to speak to her about if it you don't feel comfortable going behind his back.

I think I agree with your mum - he may or may not be depressed, but you need to look after yourself in all this too.

Oh also, as soon as he knew I was going home to my parents, he told me he WASN'T in fact leaving at all. Which was hurtful as what that implies is that essentially he just wanted to get away from me-- if the flat was empty of me, he'd stay. That's the implication I got from that. So I was very cross and hurt about that, but since he's apologised I guess I will work past it. I don't want to give him too much of a hard time. I've told him he hurt my feelings, but I won't have a go at him and it'll be OK. Because he still sounds really low this morning. I don't want to exacerbate matters.

TheLightPassenger, I do talk to him mum, however she is the kind of woman who 'flaps' and worries like mad if he doesn't eat a proper breakfast.I think he might be angry with me if I told her and she was then on his case every day, if he starts to feel better. He's going home next weekend for a memorial service so if he still seems very low I might mention it to her on the phone though. I guess it depends how long this lasts. Could just be a temporary low point.

I am sorry to say it but you sound hard work and all ME ME ME
He was rude to ME disrespectful to ME will come to the flat but got what he wanted ME to leave.
From that I would say that the problem he has is the relationship and he wants to end it but does not know how

you need to encourage him to go see the uni counsellor or GP to talk about his grandads death etc . if he is low/depressed/stressed he needs to talk to someone profresional who can help him . you can support him bt if his stress/depression/low mood goes beyond you being able to cheer him up with a chat etc - then he needs profresional help.

there seems to be a lot of crying going on on both sides (you and him) during arguements etc. you could also see the uni counsellor and develop some strategies to deal with his behaviours/have more productive discussions/arguments etc over issues - not just walking out/crying etc.

pagwatch - your post sums up my dh totally-and i knew all about his depression

like gary speed, he was chatty at work all day, spoke to him and bloke who worked with him said he was fine, he brought new trainers and levis to go on holiday 2 days before - made plans for the following week etc - but he still committed suicide :(

op - hope you can sit down and have a good chat - i didnt think dh was suicidal, i knew he was very unhappy some days but never expected him to kill his self and we had been together 19yrs so i knew him inside out or so i thought x

I am so, so very sorry blondes. It is such an awful illness.

I have a family connection that I am concerned about too. He kept hiding his laptop. He was googling suicide methods. We had no idea. I would have sworn he was a bit low, no worse, and I know him pretty well.

The thing I hated about the Gary Speed thing was people saying 'i had no idea - he was the last bloke in the world you would think to do something like that'. Which, when you think about it means what exactly? He wasn't moody and a bit precious? What does a bloke who would do something like that look like? It can affect anyone. But it is still seen as weakness in men somehow. Awful

tbh those that say they are going to kill theirselves or take pills/slash wrists etc dont really want to kill theirselves,they are crying out for help

those who really want to kill theirselves and do, just do it -sorry if that sounds very blunt but again its what i have learnt through counselling

pag, im so sorry about your family member as well

depression is a bitch and a silent killer -you cant see it,my brother calls is cancer of the brain and mind and he is so right

OP. I wouldn't think there's anything wrong in letting a friend know so long as it's done carefully. If you do, you might say to the friend that you are noticing he's been a bit low and that it might be worth spending some time with him, rather than saying that he's told you he is low. He could be bothered if he thinks you are sharing things he's said.

If he's not got a long track record of mood swings this might pass by in a week or so and it'll be back to normal. Good luck with it.

'RabidEchidna: I am sorry to say it but you sound hard work and all ME ME ME
He was rude to ME disrespectful to ME will come to the flat but got what he wanted ME to leave. From that I would say that the problem he has is the relationship and he wants to end it but does not know how'

I think that's very unfair. He DID hurt my feelings but I am discussing this on an internet board. I have been on the phone to him all morning trying to work through his issues and have a serious discussion about why he feels so sad. We're going to set up a meeting with his personal tutor re: uni work, I've said I'll really look after him this week so he doesn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning (he likes the flat to be clean), and if he still feels sad next week we'll go to the doctors. I said I'd go with him if he wants, but he doesn't want to go yet and is hoping he'll feel better soon.

He's sent me about ten texts last night/this morning saying 'I love you so much, I love being with you' - I don't think he wants to end it. We are happy 95% of the time and have had a rough week. If you would want to end a relationship over that, you can't be a very committed person.

He WAS disrespectful to me, he's been very rude to me all week, swearing and the like, I just haven't gone into detail. Maybe I needed a breather from that, OK? The problem is about him and ME hence the word 'ME' being farely present in my posts. So too is the word 'HIM' and 'HE'. It's really rather inflammatory to assume he wants to end the relationship over this. I know he doesn't. He's having a rough time at the moment. He's asked me to come back today for support. I have agreed because he says he needs me - is that selfish???

How is wanting space, and me giving him space, selfish? I've taken a train journey of 2 hours to my parents' to GIVE him space, and am now going BACK to my other home with HIM because he says he needs me. If anything the danger is not being selfish enough and setting up a pattern here - but all the posts about suicide and depression have scared me so I thought I should make the effort.

I think it would have been counterproductive for him to come home to me after telling me he wanted space. I gave him space and he seems happier this morning.