Boyfriend has just announced he's depressed and left the house crying, don't know what to do

[worriedgirlfriend]

Well the main point of my post is in the title. I'm really, really concerned. Me and my boyfriend have been arguing a lot this weekend over something I am sure I was in the right about, which he finally apologised for today. He went out drinking last night and stayed out till 4am and woke up this morning extremely hungover. I was a bit hard on him this morning and said he had better treat me really well for the next few days because he owed it to me - he's been quite disrespectful lately, swearing at me if I try to bring up a minor problem, etc.

But anyway we made up and went out for lunch, but in the end he wouldn't eat anything and just had a pint as 'hair of the dog'. He looked like he was about to cry so I asked him what was wrong, he said uni work is getting him down and he doesn't know what he's doing there and had tears in his eyes, looked awful, so we left the pub and came home. I thought we'd have a cuddle and he'd have a little cry and I'd comfort him - this is what usually happens when we argue, as he can be quite sensitive.

But today we came home and he refused to come near me. I tried to ask him what was wrong, as he was crying his eyes out but he refused to say or have a hug. Eventually he just said 'I've been feeling so sad for weeks but just hiding it, I'm so so low, I'm so sad all the time'. I said 'Is it the relationship? Is it me?' and he said 'maybe. I don't know what it is', but eventually he said that it's just EVERYTHING. I tried to give him advice and a cuddle, asking him if he would like me to go to the doctor with him tomorrow if has been feeling depressed for weeks, or telling him now that he's talked about it he might start to feel better. But he refused to even look at me or let me cuddle him, which is not like him at all.

I am devastated because I thought we were back to normal and now he's like this. We have had a shit time the last few days, so I'm sure that contributed to why he feels so bad, but we made up. Also the last few weeks, while he has been a bit less affectionate, he hasn't been acting particularly weirdly or like he's sad - but he says that he has been feeling very sad inside. Yet he has been hiding it well as he's been out with his mates a lot.

Anyway. Now he's left the house puffy-faced from weeping and says he doesn't know when he'll be back. He's taken his laptop and phone. Now obviously I'm sitting in our flat crying my eyes out with no idea what the hell to do. If he does come back... how do I support him? Should I just completely leave him alone, if he doesn't want my help? What would you do?

Please help. This is pretty new to me and I have no idea what to do. We're both 20 and have been living (I thought happily) together since last summer.

cestlavie, there was a lot of crying going on, and you're right it is unhealthy. I hadn't thought he was actually depressed at the time I thought he was just behaving horribly to me for a while this weekend. Now I know how low he feels I can be supportive and NOT cry and take things to heart. People saying on here he wants out of the relationship with very little evidence are not helpful in that though...
You're right though, I think my mum is very wise haha, and she has said I need to break the relationship pattern of having a big row, crying, making up, etc, and deal with things better.
Thank you for your posts blondes. I am so sorry for your loss. We have had some good chats today and I feel pretty sure he's going to be OK -but you're right you can never be absolutely sure, hence me going back to him today to be there with him.
Thank you Yogii - I've just texted the mutual good friend and said 'I've noticed X has seemed really low lately, have you noticed or would you know what might be causing this at all?' I know that the mutual friend will already have an inkling anyway because my bf turned up at his yesterday after he left the house, and he had obviously been crying.

ALSO, rabidEchidna, it is actually very difficult finding the balance between supporting someone who says that they are really low and are crying, but is also calling you a bitch and walking out on you. I want to support him but yesterday I knew I didn't want to be taken for a fucking mug. Him saying 'I'm don't know if the relationship's the problem' before he left is something that he texted me to take back straight away, he said on the phone today that the relationship is the one thing keeping him going and he was so sorry for blaming me. I didn't guilt trip him, I just asked him why he'd said that, and he took it back completely. So no I'm not going to assume he doesn't want the relationship, I think he said it when he was extremely low, and I've said silly things like that in the past too. I can understand.

I think I'm coping OK and doing the best I can. I think it's very rude to tell someone their partner clearly doesn't want to be with them anymore with limited evidence.

It's great that you want to help and support him, just be careful that you don't fall into doing for him and trying to fix him.

I'm not saying a week of you doing all the cooking & cleaning & emotional support & helping him set up appointments is a bad thing. But it isn't a long-term pattern you should enter. Only he can change things round for himself in the end, so he needs to take responsibility. If he doesn't see the gp in a week, and his mood is still erratic and low, you need to insist - not let it go on for another week and another week. You're not there yet, so hopefully he'll get back on track and all will be rosy and my words quite off-beam .

Is he apologetic about the way he's been treating you lately?

Yeah I gues that's the problem, kodachrome. I'm getting all the advice on here about suicide possibilites and supporting him (although in actual fact I think that likelihood is very low) and advice from my mum that I've got to support him but it does seem like he's been taking me a lot for granted lately and treating me a bit like shit. You're right I can't get into some kind of weird subservient pattern.

He doesn't deny he's been treating me like crap lately and has apologised profusely. I can tell he really means it.

I meant to say my mum says yes, I should support him as much as I can, but she thinks it seems that I've got to not let him treat me badly/take me for granted. That's why she advised me to come stay at home for a day or two to let him know he's not the only one who might need space.

Your mum talks sense.

Yes I think it was the right thing to come home (sorry if I'm being confusing - I mean parents' home - I sort of see myself as having two homes). Anyway when he decided not to do his dramatic exit and go home to London after being so rude to me, I think he was shocked to find that I had in fact left first and it wasn't an empty threat. That's when he called me apologising and saying he does need me.
I KNOW he could be genuinely depressed and it might be long term thing. But he can be very dramatic, so there could be an element of that.

he needs to be the one seeking help from his tutor and GP.
you are not his mother.
he is not a child.

he is able to get up walk about arrange his travel etc see fiends - so he is not in a state where you literally need to hold his hand.

"I've said I'll really look after him this week so he doesn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning (he likes the flat to be clean), "

mno no no - cleaning will make him feel better - let him do it take his miind off his stress etc.

please do not elt him of fthe hook under the illusion you makin him better. he hasnto broken a limb right? he can play xbox righ? so he can continue to clean equally to you.

until/unless he is actually diagnosed with some kind of depressive condition meaning he is actually unable to clean the house etc then please dont do it all for him to "make him feel better". tell him - seek help get a diagnosis. in the absence of any specifc diagnosis, we split the chores equally etc- tell him:

in fact - tell him - it will make you feel better putting your mind to the mundane chores and getting active.

i spent many years with exP trying to make it nice for him, trying to make him happy.
it didnt work. nothing i did could make him happy - except fleetingly - which i thought made it ok. if i tried harder, it would be ok...etc it is a really bad pattern to fall into.

only a person as an individual can make themselves happy/seek help for this etc.

and set boundaries "i realise you feeligng low but I will not accept being called xxxxx or being epected to do xxx and yyy."
later down the line when you have kids and other repsonsibilities and he can cope - what then?

he has to find coping strtegies for life's tribulations.
otherwise - if he leans on you so much - well think seriously where this will go - unless yoo are happy to take him on board like a child o be looked after.

there is support thru issues; suppro while someone takes necessary steps like seeing a counsellor over a bereavement or stress of exams etc - and there is taking it all on your shoulders - dont do it.

go on the depresison falloutwebsite and have a read - it can be illuminating
www.depressionfallout.com/

Thank you cestlavie - that is very good advice. I will think hard about what you've said. You're right - what the hell is CLEANING going to do to help? How silly of me. I think I just felt so ineffectual I was searching for something - anything! - that might help, if it's not actually depression but more of a phase. Even if it's a phase though, you're totally right, I shouldn't treat him like a child.
Very wise advice. Thank you so much. You've given me a lot to think about. I feel a bit of an idiot now!

You're too young to be in a relationship with a man who is verbally abusing you. The depression is a red herring, it doesn't necessarily make a person hostile and aggressive unless they are that way to start off with.

I think you are far too young to be dealing with all this you know?

Please dont take this as patronising, I actually think it would be too much for a woman of any age, just that at your age and stage in life the most worrying thing you should be thinking about is coursework deadlines and money for the next tin of beans and bottle of cider!

You shouldnt be bending over backwards for him, you cant fix him if fixing is indeed what he 'needs'

Dont get stuck on the idea that he needs you or something terrible will happen, I know bad things can happen but TBH more than likely hes just taking the pee a bit/too immature for a grown up relationship where you have to consider the other person [and why not you are both so young!]

Lifes too short for shit relationships.

You must give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion! Can't believe some of the he's having an affair responses I have read on here. This is where I fear all the amateur advice dished out on Mumsnet is seriously lacking and could even be dangerous.

Why should op not take what her dp has said at face value?

I think she should take what he said at face value - all the swearing and abuse he's been subjecting her to. And act accordingly.

OP listen to Pag and blondes, they know what they are talking about

I also think you should listen to your instinct - you know your boyfriend best, and you think he may be depressed

In your opening post you ask how you can support him better - I think that is a very valid question and it would be good if people could help you with that or point you in the right direction

I am currently going through a slightly similar situation with DP (nowhere near as bad as yours) and am struggling to find ways of being more supportive

It is hard. :(

We've moved on a bit, bibbity.

I have read the whole thread.

Oh yes and totally agree with c'est la vie - supporting someone with depression comes with self-protection too...

it's so ridiculou and unhelpful everyone saying they think he shagged someone else! depressed people act irrationally, and guilt comes out of shame/self hatred, often feelings very deep rooted and not always related
to having been a shit. He needs to speak to someone.

Nobdoy's suggested that since yesterday .

OP listen to Pag and blondes, they know what they are talking about err yes regarding their own situations!

A few people have complained about people saying 'affair' well that is based on their own experiences of arsehole behavior very much like the OPs BF is doing, is that projection? if it is then so is pags and blondes advice.

When it comes down to it the OP is not responsible for her BFs happiness or well being, that is a massive burden for a 20 yr old young woman to have.

If I had a £1 for every woman id heard say the 'but hes down/depressed/having a hard time' id be rich.

Dont get dragged down by this OP he is not your problem.

I am not going to argue about this, and the thread has moved on - I think OP, with her mum's wise advice, is on the right path.
I wish you luck girlfriend, your boyfriend is lucky to have you, hope things turn out for the best for you

yes, good advice from cestlavie and from your mum. And I have had proper diagnosed clinical depression btw, and agree that if he does have this, recovery can only come from him (possibly with the aid of meds/counselling whatever the professionals deem appropriate), and that it's best for him to lead as normal a life as possible, cleaning included unless told otherwise.

Just catching up with this worried. Glad you are talking.

He does sound very much like my son whom I spoke about yesterday - even to the flat cleaning - he has a degree of OCD. He's in his last year too, can put a brave face on and 'enjoy' time with his friends but it was quite shortlived and he soon felt low again. Do get him to see the uni counsellor - I think he'll find it more helpful initially than the GP because they are very tuned in to these issues.

cestlavie's post is very useful. If you think this relationship is worthwhile then help him but make sure you look after yourself too.

Thank you everyone. To everyone saying I shouldn't be with a man who verbally abuses me - well, I agree, and I've told him that I won't put up with it again. But can I just make it clear that we've been together for two years and this is a one-off. He knows if it happens again there will be consequences.

Relieved to say that I have gone back to him now and he has again been very apologetic, and we've actually just had a good laugh together watching TV. He says he feels a million times better already, and that he thinks the way he acted came from a combination of being work stress, his grandad's death, and us arguing this week as well (although that was partly due to him being offish with me due to him feeling low in the first place - vicious circle I guess).

Also I realised this morning that due to our rough week he's been spending a lot of time either with his sports mates drinking or smoking weed with our friend X. Could a sort of 'comedown' of the hangover plus not smoking weed have contributed to him freaking out and saying everything is shit, having suppressed every bad feeling all week with cannabis and booze? I think that's possible. (I don't have a problem with him smoking weed to an extent, because I come along too sometimes but it's normally about once a week tops, he knows I don't like him smoking too much.) He's going to stay off the weed for a bit. I know he said he'd been low for weeks but he said today it was probably just a week and he's exaggerated it in his low state.

So hopefully it's not 'proper' depression if you see what I mean. I know that's not for me to say, and I will certainly tell him to see the uni counsellor (thanks for the advice saggarmaker, hope your son's feeling better) if this carries on, but for now I am going for a 'let's get back to normal' approach - he seems fine and has just gone to his sports training like usual. I'll reassess the situation in a few days, but fingers crossed all will be OK.

I think this relationship is worthwhile. He's usually such a kind and considerate person and I have always seen him as the man I'll end up with, and he feels the same. I'm not saying I wouldn't leave him if things got bad, but for now I think it's going to be OK.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone!

I think it's absolutely possible that he's having a bit of a comedown from drink/weed. I don't know about weed but alcohol definitely messes with the chemicals in your head that cause/prevent depression. And some are more susceptible to the effects than others.

Perhaps a drink free period and some exercise will help. ds2 started on St John's wort and cleaned up his act and seems brighter on the whole.