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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another ruined evening

14 replies

MurrayHewitt · 26/02/2012 06:33

Sorry, I had to NC. History is DH had an affair 2 years ago. We get on well (after a very very long time) but every time we go out I feel tortured by the idea of him taking her out. He always looks so bored when he is with me. I can't let this go. I keep pushing him away, I understand that this frustrates him, but he doesn't make half the effort with me as he did her. He doesn't even remember, but it is burned in my memory. I saw the photos, he has never taken any photos of me.

OP posts:

Blx2thelotofem · 26/02/2012 06:41

Why are you still with him?

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 26/02/2012 06:45

I think because we get on so well otherwise. Like before. Going out is the time I feel so sad. But we can't just live in our insular little world can we. So I just don't know anymore

OP posts:

Blx2thelotofem · 26/02/2012 06:48

It sounds miserable.

OnlyWantsOne · 26/02/2012 06:58

Sounds horrid to be honest.

I'm sure he does remember.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 26/02/2012 07:23

Yes, we talked about it. He denies being bored and being more interested in her. But this is the problem, it is always in my head. I don't know why after so long and when all other aspects of our lives are ok

OP posts:

something2say · 26/02/2012 08:07

those sorts of thoughts are going to torture you, if they carry on...

what i think is, make an effort to stop them when they start happening. and you go out more alone, pick a hobby up that he knows nothing about, and focus on your own interests, and maybe some fresh air will flow between you.

janelikesjam · 26/02/2012 13:44

I think some is probably inevitable - due to what happened. But it also depends how he behaved on your reunion. His response does sound a bit lacklustre, but hard to tell from your post.

However, do you feel he is lucky to have you back???!!! Or do you think you are second-best deepdown ? If the latter, counselling may help you individually, or as a couple (marriage guidance).

TheEpilator · 26/02/2012 14:02

Sounds like a really hard situation for you. Does he know that you've seen photos and that you wish he treated you that way?

If he doesn't know the specifics of why you get upset when you go out then I can imagine it will be difficult for you to get over it without talking it over - preferably as Jane said, in counselling.

OTOH if he is aware that he doesn't act as romantically with you as he did with her, he needs to ask himself why.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 26/02/2012 16:05

You need to focus on yourself.

This is the end result if the damage he's done to you and to the relationship.

Looking to him to repair that self-esteem would be a difficult thing to make work even if he was bringing you flowers daily and telling you all the time how sorry he is and how much you mean to him. And it doesn't sound as if he is doing that.

I think that this is simply not yet repaired, and maybe it is not going to get repaired.

I think though that the best thing that you can do for you is to STOP looking towards him for a while and pull away. Start a new chapter where you focus is on trying to be happier, yourself, for yourself and not for the sake of the relationship. Activities, hobbies, friends.

Give yourself the mental space and permission to consider whether you honestly actually want to repair this.

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 27/02/2012 04:22

You are so right, it is all down to my self-esteem. I used to be so confident and happy (I have heard that so many times on this board) I am totally broken, but I just don't know what else to do. Since his actions, I have gained an MSC and got the job of my dreams. I go to exercise classes, a jewellery making class and regularly meet up with friends. BUT I still feel empty and sad. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 27/02/2012 05:29

Murray, having achieved all that you sound amazingly strong. Wow.

But he broke your heart. He betrayed you.

And if he looks bored, he could actually make an effort and try not to look bored. Especially in the presence of someone who is clearly dynamic and intelligent.

Is he worthy of you? You get on well but is he doing enough now?

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 27/02/2012 05:32

You are right though! He had an affair so for at least that time he was more interested in her than you he invested more time and effort in her than you! If your relationship is to work seems to be that you both need to accept that as a fact.

Then you need to get over it - or not!

Can't see how you can continue until you decide which it will be.
X

Original poster

MurrayHewitt · 27/02/2012 05:54

No, he doesn't do enough. It WAS enough, I was fulfilled and happy, but he opened this Pandora's box. He has made an effort to reunite, but clearly I cannot forgive. It all seems so futile. Why would he do something so awful it has ruined both our lives?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 27/02/2012 06:02

Because he probably didnt even think it would ruin your lives. He probably thought he could just get away with it. Whoops. He got found out. Now what?

Does he dismiss your feelings on this?

I mean, looking bored is really insulting anyway. It must be so hard to try and be entertaining and engaging with someone who looks like that at the best of times. Nothing to do with esteem that. It would make me .

I think he's not doing enough to make things better. He should be bending over backwards.

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