My life is about to be turned upside down and I need advice.

[sadfish]

This afternoon I found something which confirmed what I have suspected for a few months. DH is cheating on me with the girl he cheated on me with 8 years ago while I was pregnant with our youngest.

Now I know what I 'should' do, confront him, show him how I feel, kick him out etc etc, but I can't. Stupidly I love him, I even feel really stupid for typing that :( So please don't tell me to do all of the above. It may be that I cone to that conclusion anyway.

I want to email her but havent yet as I'm not sure it's right. I just want to make her aware of what she is doing. I know she probably doesn't care but it might prick her conscience a bit. She knows about us, she always has and I blame DH every bit as much but I'm not ready to confront him and damage my life. We have a goodish relationship, so as good recently but his attentions have been elsewhere. I just want her to really understand what she is doing here, how damaging this is. It won't be ranty, she is unfortunately a policewoman and I don't want to get done for harassment but it will be more like stating how she will affect the boys (and I know exactly how it will ) and how much I love him.
Its more to make us real to her.
I know I should make him leave, I know I should value myself more but right now I can't and I'm so sad and hurt.

((hugs))

No advice but I'm so sorry

Hang on and lots if people will be along soon to advise toy

Xxx

*you

So sorry to hear this. Has the affair been going on for the whole 8 years? It must be awful for you. I'm not sure that confronting her will help though. She's probably been waiting 8 years for him to leave you.

Really sorry to hear this, it must be hurting so much.

I'm no expert but it's late/early and didn't want to leave you hanging.

Please, don't email her. The important conversation you need to have is not with her but your husband.

Do you really want him to find out you know through her?

Maybe write down all the feelings you describe if you feel you need an outlet - but for your eyes only.

You're not stupid for loving him - feelings aren't easy to control, and I can understand that you don't want to burst your bubble of how your relationship seemed to be before you found this out.

But to move past this I think you will need to.

Can you talk to a RL friend first thing?

That's terrible....

Write the e-mail but DON'T send it. In writing it, it'll help you express your feelings and help you vent your frustrations.

if she has known you all this time she'll know damn well what her/your husbands actions are doing. You need to be strong and sending the email lets her know you are vulnerable.

No it hasn't been going on since the last time. I thought he saw how much he hurt me then, how much he could lose.
I am under no illusions that my relationship is good or even remotely ok atm but I can't do it, I can't be strong enough to confront him. I have coped with so much in my life, been so strong but I can't do this. I'm so scared. I know what I should be doing, I know it but all I can do is cry in secret.

So sorry you're going through this. A friend confronted the OW recently and when she said about the effect on the DC's, OW just smirked.

Please don't send the email. Write it, but don't send it, there's a really good chance you will regret it in the future after this awful initial shock has worn off.Put your energies into dealing with your H, he's the one who has a duty to you and you're family, not her.

I'm sorry for you, honey, but trust me on this - emailing this woman will only add to your hurt, not relieve it.

She knows full well what she's doing; she knows he's married to you, she knew you were pregnant when she first took up with him and of course she knows you have dc together - but she doesn't give a damn.

If you seriously think that you can in any way prick this woman's conscience - think again, because she doesn't have one.

Okay, so now we've resolved that one let's move right along to the main item on the agenda which is your lying twat of a husband.

If you want to stand any chance of transforming this piece of lying shite into a man that is worthy to be your husband, you will come to the conclusion that you are doing your utmost to avoid by deluding yourself with the thought that an appeal to the ow will ensure she sends him back to your loving arms.

In the unlikely event that pigs can fly this were to happen or that this particular ow dumps him, he'd simply take up with another one - and another after that until such time as you start playing bad cop and laying down the law.

Of course, if you truly love this dishonest, deceitful, adulterer man, you'll set him free to love where he chooses but if you want to stand any chance of having him come back to you grovelling begging forgiveness you'll open the cage door with a deafening clang and ensure that he is propelled through it so fast his feet don't touch the ground at the speed of light into the harsh reality of living without the creature comforts that you have so faithfully provided throughout your marriage.

He's playing away because he can; because he knows you won't get mad and you won't get even. Show him just how wrong he can be, honey, and he'll the learn the hard way that he can't have his cake and eat it at your table.

He's rubbing your nose in it, sweetie, and now that I have hopefully dissauded you from handing your power over to the ow and tantalised you with the prospect of having a reformed character on your hands at some point in the not too distant future, I'm going to let my learned friends rush to your aid later today and give you the

Oh sadfish can't post more now but sending a huge hug and will post in morning but for now don't send her an email it's definitely not the way to go. Hope you get some sleep xx

cont'd ... and give you the alchemist's secret formula for turning dross a fool into gold.

Believe you me, honey, with the friends that you'll find here 24/7 it's going to hurt him far more than it'll hurt you.

Attack is the best form of defence and he's certainly overdue for a short, sharp, shock.

Dry your tears, get some beauty sleep, and wait to get your hand held by women who know exactly what you're up against and how easy it is to be your own worst enemy in these situations.

So sorry

Agree with the idea if writing the email (on paper so you don't get the urge to click send), to get it off your chest for now, this might help stop your mind racing. Also agree that this is a conversation for you to have with your H not the OW - she doesn't owe you anything and if she has a conscience this wouldn't be happening.

Even though you've suspected as much, knowing it for definite has I imagine come as a real shock. Not surprised you're tearful and have been temporarily immobilised. You probably need time to get through the initial vatload of feelings. I agree with everyone else that it's not a good idea to email the OW. Especially at the moment when you will no doubt feel all over the place. You love DH so no matter what's happened/happening you can't just click a switch and turn that off. Till your head is a bit clearer I don't think you should take any drastic action because you probably don't know what you want to do and need time to work that out. Am so sorry you're going through this. Hugs

You've got to confront him, if you've found out the truth. You can't bury your head in the sand. Obv we don't know the whole picture but from what you've said its him in the wrong not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be strong for your kids and remember to have dignity.

I don't know what to do :( I really don't. I'm dealing with so much at the moment that him going might just just tip me over the edge. I've always stayed so strong but I can't deal with anything else. My head says let him go, that I WILL recover from this but there is so much more to it than that. I'm sat outside at the moment, I felt caged in inside. I feel so stupid because I know everything you say us right but my heart doesn't want to accept that. I'm doing a counselling degree, I know what I should be doing but I also know how fragile I am. It's funny because I always said that if I found out he was seeing her again then that would be it but the reality us so different. I know I'd be fine on my own but I don't want that. I don't want my boys to hurt, I don't want them damaged by this. That's why I have put up with it in the past :( Again stupid way if thinking, completely stupid.

Sadfish I can't tell you what to do or what is right in your circumstances. I suspect however that if you don't confront your husband this will continue to eat away at you. It will continue to undermine your confidence, your pretend happiness and despite your strong desire to protect your children they will sense not all is right. You deserve answers and you deserve to be loved by someone who doesn't treat you like an appendage. Even if he doesn't love/respect you enough to honour his marriage he should have been a friend to you and left before seeing her again. Stay strong and I hope you find a way to get closure on this.

Don't worry, honey. Try to find a calm centre in the middle of the overdrive that is your brain at the moment and hold the thought that 'all things must pass'.

You WILL get through this. You WILL survive and your boys will NOT be hurt as much as they may be if they grow up to discover that their df was not the man you led him to believe he was.

Whatever other problems you've got going on in your life at the moment, the astounding depth and breadth of collective wisdom that is this board WILL get you through it.

Have faith - you've come to the right place and help is at hand.

Sitting outside at the moment? Are you in the UK? If so, I hope you're well wrapped up!

I'm inside now. You have convinced me that e-mailing isn't good. I do hear and appreciate all that you have said, I do know it, I just need to sort myself out enough to cope with it. So many emotions flying around inside me at the moment, shock, hurt, anger, sadness, worry, to name but a few. It's helped being able to put it in black and white. I'm going to try to sleep now. Thank you.

There are many wh

Stupid iPhone!
I was going to say that there are many who have gone through this. Contact a solicitor for 30 minutes of free advice first and check what benefits you are entitled to. Get a counsellor too since solicitors are expensive.
If your DCs are under 18 then you should have rights of PR even if you don't technically own the house or have your name on the lease.
Write down a list of steps on what to do next.
Remember he is not your friend anymore but a hostile part to be deal with. You are still in love with who you thought he was.
It will hurt but the hurt will be much greater if your children see you used as a doormat by someone who doesn't see you as a human being more sort of a walking talking domestic implement you can have sex with.

Sad fish you say that you don't want to hurt your boys, unfortunately your H has already done that. He has shown twice how little he cares for them, he isn't even prepared to be in an honest relationship with their mother, which is something a lot of split parents manage. They are not the most important thing in his life, and he is teaching them to be selfish and not think about other peoples feelings.
Now tell people in RL, and get some support, even if from virtual strangers.

Thinking back to my time when my ExH was cheating I lived with my FIL for a month and it helped me to get my thoughts together. It was just what I needed. My parents were too elderly and FIL was a kind man and a steady presence for the children and they adored him.

Can someone come and stay with you? You need to ask for some space at the very least right now from your h.

It took me a further 5 months from separating to find the strength to realise it was over and start the divorce. It is a big decision and scary but you can do this. Take the first step and seek some space x

You really need to get RL support from family/close friends. You will then feel stronger and more able to make a decision.

Please do not try to win your H back by being the perfect wife - this strategy will not work.

Write it all down- I have written many emails to the ow in my head. Do not send though. I text her when I found out- she was so dismissive and infuriating. Although she had (wilfully) misunderstood our relationship status so there was a point to what I did (bursting their bubble) your h's ow knows full well what is going on, she obviously doesn't give a shit :(

The pain you feel was caused by your husband, not by her. Please try not to displace your anger.