My life is about to be turned upside down and I need advice.

[sadfish]

This afternoon I found something which confirmed what I have suspected for a few months. DH is cheating on me with the girl he cheated on me with 8 years ago while I was pregnant with our youngest.

Now I know what I 'should' do, confront him, show him how I feel, kick him out etc etc, but I can't. Stupidly I love him, I even feel really stupid for typing that :( So please don't tell me to do all of the above. It may be that I cone to that conclusion anyway.

I want to email her but havent yet as I'm not sure it's right. I just want to make her aware of what she is doing. I know she probably doesn't care but it might prick her conscience a bit. She knows about us, she always has and I blame DH every bit as much but I'm not ready to confront him and damage my life. We have a goodish relationship, so as good recently but his attentions have been elsewhere. I just want her to really understand what she is doing here, how damaging this is. It won't be ranty, she is unfortunately a policewoman and I don't want to get done for harassment but it will be more like stating how she will affect the boys (and I know exactly how it will ) and how much I love him.
Its more to make us real to her.
I know I should make him leave, I know I should value myself more but right now I can't and I'm so sad and hurt.

Absolutely right to be getting legal/financial advice. It's always good to know where you stand. Finding out what would happen if you split up does not commit you to actually doing so. You will be in a position to make an informed choice, which is always a good thing.

I also agree with what everyone said about not contacting the OW. I too have a very close friend who was shagging a married man and nobody in the world in space (least of all the wife!) would ever have been able to get her to realise it was A Bad Thing. She is not a bad person, she just does not get it. Although mind you some OWs are bad people, obviously they do exist, but there's even less point trying to convince that sort.

I can almost guarantee you that the OW does not care about you either.

It is also likely that it suits her just fine that her romantic interest is married. SHE will not want to be the one doing his laundry and cooking his meals, the mundane humdrum of every day life. I would imagine she is quite pleased she has you to do that for her man, while she gets to enjoy romance and sex.

In all likelyhood she would not want your husband if he was thrown after her because
a) she would not want to settle for a cheat (you know the old saying, when a man gets to be with his mistress full time, there is a vacancy....)
b) she would want to be with a man that she is sure wants to be with HER and only HER 100 %. And until then she is quite happy to have carefree sex with your man.

What do YOU want?

The question is: Why do you settle for such a man?
What are you getting out of this?

Aside from agony, keeping house for him, darning his socks and raising his kids?

If you were to kick the cheating sod out you would still be raising his kids, but you sure as hell would not be doing his laundry, cooking his meals, while he gets his romance and sex elsewhere.

You know he does not love you. You know he does not care about what you think and what you feel. He has proved this much. Why do you want to be with a man who is with you only for the kids? For the stability and smokescreen married life brings, and for doing his domestic chores?

So, this brings me to the question. What is really stopping you from ending this situation?

This is a really tough one - am not sure what the "right" solution is as I think there are many possibles... Bear in mind that if you confront DH about it then you need to be clear in your own mind what steps you are willing to take - i.e forgive him if he asks or kick him out. I have been married for nearly 20 years and more and more I am seeing friends splitting up around me - and now always for the right reasons. If you love Dh then you might be able to get past this, but confronting him might not be the way forward. Do you think the affair will burn out? If so are u prepared to wait for that to happen? Is this just a midlife crisis thing of DH's or do u think he might really be in love with her?

He knows now. He text me from the train about an hour ago to ask if he'd done something wrong. He was asking if he should cone back and talk. I told him to decide for himself. I think he is coming back tomorrow. I think this us it now, I'm sure he will leave. He did the whole I don't want it to affect the boys to which I said he should have thought aboit that before! I feel sick, stupid, worthless and I just want to run away. I have a 7 and 9 year olds who I can hide my feelings from tonight but my 18 yr old knows I'm upset. I don't know what to say to him.

He was asking if he should cone back and talk. I told him to decide for himself.

What do you want, though?
Ask for that.

I don't know what I want. My head is saying I don't deserve to be treated like this and I need to move on with my life but my heart is saying I don't want to lose him, I don't want the boys to hurt, I don't want anu of this. He won't stay now. This is what he wants. What I want doesn't matter now

No, what YOU wants really does matter - its your life, your decision. He has already made his choices by having an affair.

You have already lost him - he is the one who hurt you and your boys

I know I have already lost him, reality is kicking in big time. I am so sad :( How am I going to get through this?

So sorry your going through this I do agree with the ladies here you have to confront him tell him you know and that he needs to pack his bag and be with her. I give it 3months tops! Once the dreamy life has had to stop and they have to deal with a real relationship and real life she won't be such a draw! This had happened to all of the people I know whose husbands have had affairs they ALWAYS come back! ( idiots!). It'll be hard but you never know in a few weeks time you may not want him back! It's easy for him because he senses you won't do anything if you don't grab the bull by the horns he may just leave of his own accord! I'm sorry I hope this works out for you be brave xxxx hug cxxxxx

How am I going to get through this?

The same way that everyone else does - one step at a time.

And the first step is to tell him to stay away until you have had time to process your feelings.

I'm going through moments of calm, then panic, then self loathing, then anger. How did you who have been through this, get through? Did you all feel torn? Did any of you desperately want to cling onto the life you had? Am I just stupid for wanting to? I feel worthless at the moment

Sadfish whatever does happen you will get through this. This is going to be really hard but with the help on Mumsnet and your real friends and family you will be fine.

My ex had an affair with one of his managers at work, she was 26 years his junior he left me in limbo for two months as he couldnt decide who he wanted to be with, in the end he chose OW. I never thought I would survive the pain it was almost physical. I hit rock bottom and didnt want to live, my children were older and felt they didnt need me anymore. But as they say time is a healer and it really is im nearly two years down the line from him leaving and I would say I am nearly recovered.

Horribly painful situation, and you have my sympathies.

I do find it interesting that at first you wanted to blame the OW, and talked about pleading with her to stay away. Now, your focus seems to be on how sad, hurt and worthless you feel. Of course, you are desperately hurt and upset - worried for yourself, your children, your life.

But you don't seem to direct your emotion toward your dh's role in this betrayal/mess. He has acted abominably - and so far, you seem to be letting him 'off the hook'. Might be worth thinking about why you are not directing more anger, outrage, etc toward him - where it belongs, imo.

I've been through this.

In my opinion, the only way you can regain your husband's respect and save any possible chance of a reconciliation is if you tell him to get out now.

If you roll over with 'But I love you' then you are putting him in control. You need to get rid of that control as fast as possible. Make him look at you with new respect, thinking "Oh fucking hell, what have I done?" If you are pleading and begging, he will lose respect.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I did it all wrong, too. But the day I decided it was over, I saw that he respected me for it.

Bloody men. Stupid, stupid bastards, at times.

In hindsight, it is quite mortifying to realise that you have abased yourself to the man you once loved in the hope that he will change his mind (I think I did that once and was very embarrassed about it for a while after).

I would say that it is a good idea, although difficult, to try and behave in ways that you will be able to look back on with self-respect, to realise that you did behave in a dignified manner and that you didn't beg. Make it all about you now - how you are going to feel. Accept that he is going to do whatever it is he wants to do, as he has shown already - now work out how you are going to come out best from the situation, for your own sake, your own feelings of self-respect and self-worth.

Generally, that means asking him to leave, I have to say - and yes, the pain is awful to start with but it diminishes. As one friend once said to me, he's smashed your relationship to bits, you can try and glue it back together, but you'll always see the cracks. You've done that once, now he's smashed it again - there'll be more glue than substance this time around.

I feel so sick. I have to force myself to eat even if it's just a piece of toast. Hoping that my head is a bit clearer after my counselling today. I am so confused. On a plus point I have a fantastic friend who is also training to be a counsellor (we were friends before) who is being amazing but typical me is worrying about how much I am impacting her. My head is still all over the place. I'm not saying to him to come back and all will be forgiven, I'm letting him have it. I've told him that he needs to be honest with our 18 yr old at the very least because if he finds out later then their relationship will have no hope. I hate that he needs to know but I won't keep secrets from him, he's an intelligent boy and will work it out. I hate thinking about the pain that my boys are going to feel :(

You can tell him what to do until you are blue in the face but this man has his own agenda and is obviously not sharing it with you and your dc. He will be backing up his own options by now. Remember he has had years to make plans and you haven't. He will be one step ahead and will already have a Plan B. You need to think of your own Plan B. Even if you dread the thought, consider all your options. You will be surprised where your inner strength comes from. However daunting, get as much of the truth from him as humanly possible over the nex few weeks, if he is capable of truth. You will probably see some crocodile tears from him but see this man for what he is rather than see him for who you would have liked him to be.

I can't do this. I don't want to let him go. I'm really struggling tonight :(

He's already gone. He left you when he started shagging someone else.
It's not about you letting him go. He has already gone emotionally. You'll only ever live with his physical presence ever again.
Sorry to be harsh, but he has already chosen his other life. He is just waiting to move into it.
Do not, under any circumstances, debase yourself by wanting this selfish twat back.

You need to be honest with your DC. There is no point trying to hide it from them - they will have picked up on things being "wrong", even if they don't know why - and they will not thank you later for not trusting them.

Remember also that this person you are clinging on to is a man who has twice cheated on you with the same person. Remember that he has chosen his needs and hers over yours and the boys, and he will continue to do so. Decide whether you want to come 3rd or 4th best - is that really where you want to be?