My life is about to be turned upside down and I need advice.

[sadfish]

This afternoon I found something which confirmed what I have suspected for a few months. DH is cheating on me with the girl he cheated on me with 8 years ago while I was pregnant with our youngest.

Now I know what I 'should' do, confront him, show him how I feel, kick him out etc etc, but I can't. Stupidly I love him, I even feel really stupid for typing that :( So please don't tell me to do all of the above. It may be that I cone to that conclusion anyway.

I want to email her but havent yet as I'm not sure it's right. I just want to make her aware of what she is doing. I know she probably doesn't care but it might prick her conscience a bit. She knows about us, she always has and I blame DH every bit as much but I'm not ready to confront him and damage my life. We have a goodish relationship, so as good recently but his attentions have been elsewhere. I just want her to really understand what she is doing here, how damaging this is. It won't be ranty, she is unfortunately a policewoman and I don't want to get done for harassment but it will be more like stating how she will affect the boys (and I know exactly how it will ) and how much I love him.
Its more to make us real to her.
I know I should make him leave, I know I should value myself more but right now I can't and I'm so sad and hurt.

He is definately not here for the sex. Doesn't happen nearly as often as he'd like especially since I started having my suspicions. I'm having counselling already, that's not cheap either.
He doesn't act like a man who wants to leave his family. He's building a new shed ffs!! That's what is so confusing, I've looked fir the signs but all I have seen are ones where he is staying.
Anyway that is all irrelevant, I accept he is treating me badly and that I need to do something. I just need to do it when the time is right (yes I know that's probably mean holding off, postponing the inevitable) I won't do the perfect wife thing ha ha, I think he might know that I know anyway.
Having info re the house etc helps. I think a big worry is losing our home and uprooting the boys. There is no way I could afford to rent here and that really unsettles me. It all unsettles me. Right gonna go before I start crying again.

That's just it though, yes I know she knows about us but I can guarantee he has fed her the 'she doesn't love me' 'I have to stay for the boy's lines. That's what I want to put straight. I want to shake her and tell her to wake up!! My boys won't want to know her, they are so close to me. Especially my 18 yr old. I'm not covering up for DH again. If he goes then everyone will know why. Even the little ones won't want to know her. I don't want to put them through that :( I could almost accept 8 yrs ago that she was a silly naive 23 yr old. She is older now, can't she see? I know you are all going to say the same is true for me but I have a he'll of a lot more to lose.

God, why do some men want EVERYTHING? Regardless of whose lives they destroy? I really, really want to post all the things you asked us not to (leave the selfish twat, etc) but I won't.
I will say 2 things:

1. DO NOT humiliate yourself by trying to be "perfect wife" - as someone else mentioned. It will give him all the power and at the end of it when you realise he's still at it, you will be a wreck.
2. If you can't leave him, are you prepared to feel suspicion, pain, anger, jealousy, etc every day for the rest of your married days? Every time he pops out, you will be wondering if he's really off to the gym, etc... It sounds horrible, but if you can't so that - how can you be with him?
3. Being on your own is infinitely better than being with someone who destroys your mental health like this and makes you feel like a waste of space. Being single really isn't that bad! Good luck.

Oh and I would email. I would email her superior at work.

Don't focus on her. She is incidental, really. She means nothing.

Focus on him. Actually, no, don't focus on him, focus on you. You will never trust him again. Can you live like that? Do you want to sit there wondering what he's up to? Move on. Get outside. Meet people, make your life bigger.

If she has decided to believe the 'I'm only there for the boys' and 'the relationships already dead' lines then nothing you say to her is going to change her mind.

I had two friends in long term affairs (10yrs+) with married men. They are sane, reasonable professional women in all other respects but there is absolutely no way of getting through to them. Zilch. They both totally believe that all their own misery is worth it because they are both convinced their men will eventually up and leave their wives when the kids are older. One of them even carried on the relationship through two babies being born in the marital relationship.

As for their views on the DWs in all of this - they come up a complete blank. Because they have never been married, had kids etc it is like a foreign language to them. To them, if a relationship splits up, there's a bit of heartache and then everyone moves on amicably. It's all they know from their singleton, unencumbered viewpoint. They just don't get what having kids means to the dynamics of a relationship and the responsibility it brings. One of the OW has even met the wife a few times, and thinks her man is a saint for putting up with such an exhausted looking, sad woman...

You do not have a hope in hell of getting any closure whatsoever from contacting this woman. I've tried telling them how it is from a neutral viewpoint (and because they are wasting their own lives) and they just don't get it. Seriously, these women are like a different species - they simply cannot empathise unless they've been there. Don't waste a second on her. Concentrate in yourself.

You know about counselling already. You know that it you carry on acting the same, you get the same outcome. Your choice is whether you can live with a cheating lying fuckwit, or whether you would prefer to bring up the kids alone. That's the first binary choice.

If you are lucky, other choices might open up to you (he may change) but none of those ones are totally within your sphere of control. So make your decision based on the first choice and go from there, because once first choice is made you will be able to clarify what to do next. EG if you decide to stay then you start another thread asking advice on how to live with this within a relationship without killing yourself over it.

He probably isn't planning to leave you. He's probably not planning anything other than having his cake and eating it.

I'm in the bitter aftermath of a soap-opera style situation in which it is completely clear that the man concerned just kept going until it all came crashing down. I think that's more common than them actually planning anything.

This is with you now - you hold the reins and a lot of the power. You know and he doesn't know you know. You can take whatever time you need to sort out how you feel and what you want; you can work out the practicalities; see a solicitor etc and really get yourself sorted if that's how you want to do it. Or you can confront him and see what it "shakes out".

In either case, you know you can't trust him and you know what kind of man he really is. Only you can decide how you deal with that. ((hug))

Excellent post stillsquiffy

Oh, and my heart absolutely goes out to you. It really does.

Re the shed - it looks like he wants to continue his double life by having a domestic housekeeper, cook and nanny at home as well as his ego stroking bit on the side

I think it would help to meet a solicitor and visit CAB to check out tax credits/benefits to find out where you stand legally and financially. This will empower you.

Sadfish, this is so sad, and I am sorry for you.

I agree with the other posterts, please do not contact the OW.

You're clearly in shock at the moment and not ready to face up to this situation. However, I think you need to give yourself a day or two to have a good think about the promises that you both made each other when you married. If you feel that you deserve those promises and commitments to be upheld then you have to discuss with him that the affair must stop immediately and he takes whatever action is necessary to give you back peace of mind. (If you can actually ever have that after his infidelity when you were carrying his child.)

It's your husband that has broken the bond of trust and I think you need to be focussing on your future and ensure that you put yourself on a bloody high pedestal and ensure your future gives you what you deserve. You may come to the conclusion that love is not enough when respect and trust are not a shared value between the two of you.

I wouldn't be so blunt as to tell you to separate as ultimately, only you can make that decision but hopefully, along with the other posters here, you can see that you deserve better in life, my dear. (A tear has just escaped when I wrote that and I should have taken my own advice a very long time ago. I did eventually and maybe that's another aspect to this, you can flog a dead horse for a very long time before a healthy dose of reality offers new options.)

Time is quite important here, though OP. If you leave decisions too long, you will have aclimatised (spelling?) to this new hurt and you may find a way to learn to live with it for longer than you need to.

Bless you and I hope you ensure that you have a better future ahead of you.

Stillsquiffy Because they have never been married, had kids etc it is like a foreign language to them. To them, if a relationship splits up, there's a bit of heartache and then everyone moves on amicably. It's all they know from their singleton, unencumbered viewpoint. They just don't get what having kids means to the dynamics of a relationship and the responsibility it bring

This!^ amazing. I hadn't considered it like that. Ow kept telling DH to 'sort his life out' ie leave me and be with her as if it was so straightforward. I couldn't understand this! I thought she must be on a different planet! I guess she took the fact that we have been off and on for 18 months to mean he just needed a push to dump me, it means the opposite, but she seemed to be so simplistic. I actually said to DH, she's a fool if she thinks she would get the whole him, as if you can just break up your family and be 100% into a new relationship. Anyway, she is irrelevant now even if it still gives me small satisfaction to think about what a fucking dick she is

What I would do is write the email but don't send it and save it in drafts. the very action of writing it will be cathartic. Sending it to her gives both her and your husband the proof that you are indeed the crazy wife that they will be using to justify their sordid behaviour.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other and you WILL get through this. Kids are incredibly resilient and as long as you are the stable factor in their lives, they will get through whatever happens a s aresult of his behaviour.

If you can't take the action you know you need to take, then let every action be geared towards protection and making yourself feel as safe as possible. Vent on here, to friends, and people you can trust. The stronger you feel in yourself, the more confident you will feel in taking the next step.

OP, do you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this hasn't been going for the entire time, i.e since you last found out?

different - that has occurred to me too.

The reasons why I think that is that he seems so used to leading a double life and also because your marriage has never been great which suggests that he has never really re-committed himself to the marriage after the first time and that is because he was/is still seeing the OW.

My suspicions are different. I wonder

: did she 'wait' for him?
: or did she drop everything when he came running a second time?
: I find it odd how she was available back then & now, almost a decade later, like her life was put on hold. Like she is happy being second best again
: would someone happily pick up where they left off, one he decided he wanted her after all?

Sorry op, it can't be helping. I just feel it is too much of a coincidence.

I do know he hasn't. I'm very perceptive and know the signs, that's how I've suspected for a while now but never had concrete evidence. I have made a decision. I am going to see a solicitor this week to find out exactly what rights I have regarding the house etc. My children won't be used as a pawn in a silly game, I love them too much for that and they love their father. But I will be strong and I will be in control. I really feel it's the best way for me to do this. I am still in shock, but I know that if I feel more empowered it will help. At the moment I'm in a kind of panic, I'm scared.
I see my counsellor on Tuesday and will talk this over with her. That will help me see things clearer. I hate this :(

That's just it though, yes I know she knows about us but I can guarantee he has fed her the 'she doesn't love me' 'I have to stay for the boy's lines. That's what I want to put straight. I want to shake her and tell her to wake up!! My boys won't want to know her, they are so close to me. Especially my 18 yr old. I'm not covering up for DH again. If he goes then everyone will know why. Even the little ones won't want to know her. I don't want to put them through that :( I could almost accept 8 yrs ago that she was a silly naive 23 yr old. She is older now, can't she see? I know you are all going to say the same is true for me but I have a he'll of a lot more to lose.

Stupid iPhone!!

I'm the one who feels second best. Like I am not good enough.

Honey, I am sad for you. Mostly because you cant see that you are enabling his behavior, through fear of losing him.

He does not want to leave his family I am sure. He just wants to have his cake and eat it, and he knows that he can, because you are so scared of losing him.

Because he has done it before, and knows he gets away with it.

He does not care about you.

What everyone has said. Do Not contact OW. She is not relevant.
You are NOT second best - this is called having your cake and eating it. And it is your husband who is doing it. (been there myself and know all about it)
The only thing you need to ask is what You want. (and yes, I do know from experience that this is the 6.000,000 dollar question.
Again, what others have said. It is probably a very good idea to write down everything you want to say. It would be A Very Bad Idea to send it.

Sadfish, you are not going to get your self esteem back by waiting for your H to validate you.

You need to remind yourself of all of your attributes and get that sense of "self" back into perspective. Consider yourself as an individual as opposed to half of a couple.

So sorry you're going through this but as everyone else has said, there is no point in contacting OW. She isn't going to care about you or your DC. For all you know your H has fed her a line about what a controlling freak you are (Just saying, not something I actually think!) and contacting her would just make her believe him more.

You have no idea what goes on between them, nor do you need to know. All you need to know is that he is cheating on you, with her, despite knowing how much it would hurt you and that he's risking his entire family life for it. She doesn't care how much she hurts you or your boys. Nor can you make her - she knows what she is doing, and she's still doing it. Therefore you really need to keep your dignity about this situation and ignore her input into this completely - the only person who counts is your H and him breaking your marriage vows and your heart - again.

You can't live a half-life with him, not knowing what you know. I know that there are women who do - but I can't believe they are happy with it. And there isn't any point in staying together for the children, they don't appreciate it - it gives them a very fucked-up view of what married life is like - better to live honestly, even if it hurts short term.