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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP says his sex life is none of my business

75 replies

bluespottedhanky · 25/02/2012 23:40

OK, have name changed for this.

A couple of days ago I came home unexpectedly when DP was getting our 2 DD's ready for school. The laptop was on the side in the kitchen (he was making sandwiches) and he switced it off the moment I got in, so I asked him what he was looking at. 'Its a secret' he says. When he gets back I ask him what he was looking at and he tells me 'porn'.

I ask WTF is he doing looking at that when the girls are around. He replies he wasn't looking at it, that it was on a different page and it was buffering. I think he goes into the lean-to for a fag and watches it but he denies that, he says he was 'getting it ready for when he got home' (bearing in mind i got in 45 mins before the girls had lo leave for school). I am disgusted in him that he can be looking at that whilst getting our daughters ready for school. WTF can't he wait until they're at school! I've found this really quite creepy and sleezy and I'm really quite freaked out about it.

So this ends up in an arguement where he is defending his 'use' of porn and blaming it on me. We've had very missed matched bed times recently mostly due to my fucked up shift patterns at work and haven't had much of a sex life. But he didn't seem to get that it was the timing of it that has angered/creeped me out so much. It just seems so fucking....desperate.
The arguement descends along the lines of 'we don't have sex any more, its all your fault' and then he says 'my sex life is none of your business any more'. My heart dropped through the floor.

He tried to take it back and say he meant that I have made his sex life none of my business. Crap. I can't look at him. I talked with him later that day and explained more calmly why I'm so pissed off with this. He seemed to get it, but still no words of explaination and no apology. The last 2 nights I've got home from work and he's gone to bed 20mins later. I feel I need to 'deal' with this but don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/02/2012 23:44

well your sex life is non of his business then ..yes?

  1. he shouldnt have been looking at porn
  2. you should both make an effort in a relationship - even the sexual side
  3. he was wrong in this situation.

there is always time when you can have sex, it isn't one persons fault.

hisgentletouch · 26/02/2012 01:23

OP imo you are right to be pissed off - it's callous to be getting the porn ready while daughters are in same room, apart from desperate, yuk.
Not sure what do you want advice with - this incident or generally how to put your sex life on track? Men can be so insensitive and have bloody blind spots!
CCC - what was that about Confused?

tallwivglasses · 26/02/2012 01:24

Ouch, Custardo!

OP your last parag looks like there's a glimmer of hope here. It seems fairly recent (shift patterns, etc), maybe you both need a bit more time to adjust, plan ahead, etc.

But looking at porn while your dd's are around? Wrong - on several levels. Yuck.

Tortington · 26/02/2012 02:03

what?

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 14:42

Let me get this straight

you husband was setting up his porn viewing while your young daughters were around and potentially able to see it with a click of the mouse when he was distracted by something ?

Well, I would say that was your business and I'm pretty sure that Child protection Services would make it their business too

Animation · 26/02/2012 15:20

Bloody hell ... something's not right there - setting up porn when he's getting the kids ready for school Confused??

Of course it's YOUR business!

Malificence · 26/02/2012 18:19

What kind of man is planning his next wank by downloading porn while his children are running around first thing in the morning?
Answers on a postcard please.

Actually, there's only one answer, the kind of man who has no place being a husband and father .

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 26/02/2012 18:27

get rid of your broadband

Malificence · 26/02/2012 18:29

Broadband is useful, more useful than he sounds at any rate.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 26/02/2012 18:31

Porn? Not a problem
Porn while your DDs are nearby? Big problem

Limited sex life because of shifts etc? Not necessarily a problem
His sex life not your business? MASSIVE problem

Relate if you want to save it. Pack his bags if not.

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2012 18:33

Are you sure it was porn he was looking at/hiding?

Dating site maybe?

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2012 18:35

Checking messages on a dating site before you come home- sounds plausable

Getting porn ready for when he gets home-doesnt sound plausable TBH

ChickensHaveNoLips · 26/02/2012 18:37

Well, he might have had a point if (HUGE IF) he hadn't been downlaoding it while dealing with your DD's. That's just wrong on every level. And it suggests that he has a very serious habit. So, yep, it's absolutely your business.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 26/02/2012 18:44

So he was so desperate for a wank that once he got home he wouldn't be able to wait?

Nyac · 26/02/2012 18:54

Call the NSPCC or Childline and take advice. This is dodgy behaviour.

bluespottedhanky · 26/02/2012 22:08

Thanks for the replies.
Custardo I agree with you and thats what I've said to him.

I also have suspicions this is a BIG habit. I'm not too bothered if he looks at porn (at appropriate times) but this has now raised my suspicions as to how far it has gone and if he does indeed go on dating sites. If he is, he's not going to admit it to me is he? And he could well be that given he now thinks its none of my business. And all because our routines are different and I don't fit in with him!
I don't know how to take this forward though. If I don't get any answers I'm left with either accepting but not trusting him, or splitting- and I don't really want to do that?

OP posts:
Nyac · 26/02/2012 22:18

You need to protect your dcs. How do you think they will feel when they grow up and find out that their dad was downloading pornography whilst they were in the same room.

Please call the NSPCC. They won't think this is nothing.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:48

Why have you side stepped the fact that your children were present while he was completing the download process of his porn fix?

he gets distracted by the doorbell, the kids make one click

what would they be faced with ?

are you going to answer whether that is acceptable ?

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:49

does he (and by tacit agreement, it seems by this thread you ) agree that his right to have an orgasm to porn images supercedes his daughter's right to be protected from such images ?

bluespottedhanky · 26/02/2012 23:04

No it is NOT acceptable! Thats the reason I started the thread. Its just I'm realising because of this, the can of worms its opening. Its all just sinking in atm.

OP posts:
sternface · 26/02/2012 23:07

The problem you've got is that you put in place absolutely no boundaries about him using porn and probably got taken in by a load of shit propoganda that all men use it as a release, it stops them straying in real life and any woman who objects to it is a controlling prude.

Whereas the truth is that men don't have to use porn, lots don't, it acts as an accelerant to real-life infidelity and women can be very relaxed and open about sex, but still hate porn and its influences.

Using it around your children is horrendous and abusive to them. You need to put their needs above your own which seems to be to stay in the relationship at all costs.

I think he was lying to you incidentally.

I think he was on dating sites or live chat/cam sites and admitted to something he knows you're weak and laissez-faire about but sounds reasonably plausible and for reasons only you can know, would be regarded as the 'lesser' offence. In many healthy relationships, looking at porn full stop and definitely using it in front of children, would be a sacking offence. If you've tolerated porn use, he knew that in itself would not be regarded as a big deal by you but it's very telling that he thought you'd find it acceptable that he was using it in front of your children. He can't think very much of your ethics and morals as a parent and protector and seems to think they are as bad as his.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 23:27

thread number #5 this week, filed away under "I don't mind porn, but...."

well, do you want your dc to see porn ?

because your husband isn't very bothered about that...is he ?

I know I am being harsh to you, and I want to be even harsher

you seem to be a bit upset about what he might be looking at, and wat it means for your couple relationship

why aren't you angry at what your children might be getting access to?

what is wrong with him...and why aren't you angrier about it ?

bluespottedhanky · 26/02/2012 23:34

Oh, believe me I'm angry. I'm just expressing that to HIM now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 11:43

how did your talk go, blue ?

bluespottedhanky · 27/02/2012 23:20

Not great. I'm still so livid I've been having palpitations and sweats. I fucking hate 'D'P at atm. I've seen a side of him I despise. He seems remorseful but continues to turn everthing round to me. I can't see a way I'm going to be able to forgive this. Sad

OP posts: