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Original poster

DP says his sex life is none of my business

75 replies

bluespottedhanky · 25/02/2012 23:40

OK, have name changed for this.

A couple of days ago I came home unexpectedly when DP was getting our 2 DD's ready for school. The laptop was on the side in the kitchen (he was making sandwiches) and he switced it off the moment I got in, so I asked him what he was looking at. 'Its a secret' he says. When he gets back I ask him what he was looking at and he tells me 'porn'.

I ask WTF is he doing looking at that when the girls are around. He replies he wasn't looking at it, that it was on a different page and it was buffering. I think he goes into the lean-to for a fag and watches it but he denies that, he says he was 'getting it ready for when he got home' (bearing in mind i got in 45 mins before the girls had lo leave for school). I am disgusted in him that he can be looking at that whilst getting our daughters ready for school. WTF can't he wait until they're at school! I've found this really quite creepy and sleezy and I'm really quite freaked out about it.

So this ends up in an arguement where he is defending his 'use' of porn and blaming it on me. We've had very missed matched bed times recently mostly due to my fucked up shift patterns at work and haven't had much of a sex life. But he didn't seem to get that it was the timing of it that has angered/creeped me out so much. It just seems so fucking....desperate.
The arguement descends along the lines of 'we don't have sex any more, its all your fault' and then he says 'my sex life is none of your business any more'. My heart dropped through the floor.

He tried to take it back and say he meant that I have made his sex life none of my business. Crap. I can't look at him. I talked with him later that day and explained more calmly why I'm so pissed off with this. He seemed to get it, but still no words of explaination and no apology. The last 2 nights I've got home from work and he's gone to bed 20mins later. I feel I need to 'deal' with this but don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:23

how can he justify turning this around on you ?

did you use porn in the vicinity of your children ?

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 27/02/2012 23:39

Because its my fault we don't have sex of course!

I don't look at porn. I've come across as very accepting of DP's use of it on here, but I've really just resigned myself to it really and barely tolerated it. Until now.

We talked about splitting up and he had to make a dig about the kids missing him more, because he's around more. (I'm the 'breadwinner' and work a mixture of early, late and night shifts, 4-5 days week).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:40

he sounds fucking awful, blue

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:41

my question was rhetorical, of course

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 23:43

can i ask you a question that isn't rhetorical

why wasn't him using porn in the vicinity of your children an absolute and immediate dealbreaker ?

why the further discussions about his needs and your part (or not) in them ?

why a discussion about splitting up ?

why not a simple decision..."this is a line you do not cross, it is over as of right now" ?

I don't get it

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 27/02/2012 23:53

He claims that they never saw anything. It was on a different page that would be on the screen. He says he never left the laptap unattended, he would just turn it off. I think I believe this. If I thought they had seen something, he would have been out on his arse. My girls would say something if they saw something 'odd'.

Its DP that keeps bringing up 'his needs', trying to justify himself I think.

I am disgusted with his behaviour and I feel differently about him. I don't know at the moment what to to tbh. It's not a simple decision is it, ending 11 years. But I can't make it as cut and dry as that I'm afraid, however much I want to.

OP posts:
Hattytown · 27/02/2012 23:59

OP you do realise don't you that if you morped into a sex kitten who wanted sex five times a day and seven times on Sunday, your partner would still use porn?

Don't take responsibility for someone else's behaviour. His porn habit is his to own. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. His boundaries are so bad that it's only a matter of time before your children find something that will be deeply upsetting and if you let that happen on your watch, you will have to shoulder some of the responsibility for that but not the behaviour that will lead to that awful scenario.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:02

well, I don't believe him

if he got distracted, your girls could easily have been faced with porn, with just one click

so he is talking justifying bollocks

there is no "need" bad enough to have your porn downloading ready for a wank, while your children are still flitting around

the fact he blames you would be marriage over, for me

yes, it takes a while to physically end a marriage, but you know what, it takes only seconds to wreck one

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 00:05

He has suggested I change the parental controls on the computers and I'll have the passwords. One small concession I suppose.....

OP posts:
Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 00:11

AF he did accept accept responsibility.
But he also likes to point out my 'contribution' to that aswell though.
I'm all in a spin at the moment. Easy to look objectively from the outside. Less so when you're in the middle. I am grateful for your perspectives on it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:15

so, he suggests that you become keeper of his moral obligations towards his children ?

really ?

does he not trust himself to manage it ? That is more of an admission than he realises.

I hope you don't think I am being harsh, and I can see your confusion, but when you have had time to process this a little more, I hope you can see the stance I am taking is the only correct one.

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 00:16

Its seems not AF. I don't think you're being harsh either. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:20
Sad
AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:24

My last sentence looks a little like "you should do what I would do, or do what I say"

I don't mean that at all. Mine is a viewpoint. You are just as likely to get others that say "porn is fine, men need to empty their balls or they might go out and rape someone, now get your babydoll on and give him a BJ or you might lose your man" (the other extreme...)

All that matters is that you make your own mind up, don't take the blame, and protect your children. Whatever form that takes is of course, your very own choice.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:29

< which is the hard bit >

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 00:30

Thank you AF.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:31

Can you talk about this with anyone in RL ? Someone who knows you both?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:32

someone who doesn't excuse bad behaviour in men on account of them having a penis

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 00:37

Not that knows us both (well) and is not family. I do have a couple of people to talk to, thanks. But I still think I'll find that quite difficult though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:45

I know. Think about why you would find it dificult, though ?

Is it because you might feel ashamed ? Any shame is his to be owned. Staying silent is collusion, and benefits only him. You have no source of support, and he gets no consequences. He doesn't appear to care that your opinion of him is being seriously trashed here. I wonder how he would feel if some of his friends/work colleagues knew what he was doing ?

Would he seek help ? Would he talk about why his boundaries appear to be so damaged he would set up his porn-viewing pleasure while his children are around ? Does he even get that is massively fucked-up ?

Or is he still sulking and blame-shifting like a teenager who got caught smoking ?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 00:54

I have to go to bed now. I will come back and see how you are doing tomorrow.

Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 01:01

You've hit the nail on he head there. If i were to call his parents and tell them the truth he would be mortified. On a personal level, Ive always kept myself to myself to appear 'strong'. i've done it forever. i was previously in an abusive relationship (something which DP brought up tonight, accusing him of 'fucking me up') and yes, the 'shame' was a big part of it. DP thinks he is very clever. Sometimes he tries manipulate me, he fails to see I recognise it completly because of that relationship, and I never fall for it.

He wouldn't seek help. he would slag me off to the hilt. hen he was a shit to me after the birth of DD2, he convinced his dad I had PND. I didn't. I just hated him.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluespottedhanky · 28/02/2012 01:02

Thanks. It takes me so fucking long to reply.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2012 01:12

He sounds really horrible, and like he treats you badly quite apart from using porn in front of your children.

AlanMoore · 28/02/2012 01:18

He sounds nasty, wtf is all that about after you had your 2nd DD? the porn thing sounds more like a straw to break the camel's back.

I get that 11 years, 2 DC together etc is hard to walk away from but what are the good points to this relationship?