DP says his sex life is none of my business

[bluespottedhanky]

OK, have name changed for this.

A couple of days ago I came home unexpectedly when DP was getting our 2 DD's ready for school. The laptop was on the side in the kitchen (he was making sandwiches) and he switced it off the moment I got in, so I asked him what he was looking at. 'Its a secret' he says. When he gets back I ask him what he was looking at and he tells me 'porn'.

I ask WTF is he doing looking at that when the girls are around. He replies he wasn't looking at it, that it was on a different page and it was buffering. I think he goes into the lean-to for a fag and watches it but he denies that, he says he was 'getting it ready for when he got home' (bearing in mind i got in 45 mins before the girls had lo leave for school). I am disgusted in him that he can be looking at that whilst getting our daughters ready for school. WTF can't he wait until they're at school! I've found this really quite creepy and sleezy and I'm really quite freaked out about it.

So this ends up in an arguement where he is defending his 'use' of porn and blaming it on me. We've had very missed matched bed times recently mostly due to my fucked up shift patterns at work and haven't had much of a sex life. But he didn't seem to get that it was the timing of it that has angered/creeped me out so much. It just seems so fucking....desperate.
The arguement descends along the lines of 'we don't have sex any more, its all your fault' and then he says 'my sex life is none of your business any more'. My heart dropped through the floor.

He tried to take it back and say he meant that I have made his sex life none of my business. Crap. I can't look at him. I talked with him later that day and explained more calmly why I'm so pissed off with this. He seemed to get it, but still no words of explaination and no apology. The last 2 nights I've got home from work and he's gone to bed 20mins later. I feel I need to 'deal' with this but don't know what to do.

Your last post is very worrying.

Porn use when your children are around, wrong.

Throwing a previously abusive relationship in your face and implying MH issues as a result of it, convincing your support network that you have MH issues to cover his behaviour, refusal and inability to cooperate in counselling and attempt to manipulate it to his advantage, ABUSE.

Sorry, but it is. There are so many red flags there you could perform the Olympic opening ceremony.

I dont mean to be flippant but I think that your problems are way bigger than his porn use.

I just really, really don't like this man. Blue, he is a fucking shit person. Do you see that ?

Boundary-less porn use is always a red flag in my eyes, and this man is yet another example of why I hold that view, and very often get it validated when women open up a bit more about the rest of their relationship

Good morning, blue, btw, glad to see you back and still posting

It sounds like you have endured a lot of mistreatment in your relationship, and you sound rather resigned and shut-down about it. I hope this is the straw that breaks the camel's back and you start to wonder why on earth you are protecting such a horrible person.

He has betrayed you before (led people to believe you had PND, when he was the one with the problem). Tell me why he deserves that you should STFU about him using porn around his children.

this is so sad.

as usual i agree totally with AF. nothing more i can add to it.

blue i hope you have the strength to protect your children. even if you do nothing else WRT his treatment of you. protect your children. what you caught him doing was completely unnacceptable. i really hope the fact that he was caught has given him a big enough wake up to realise how dangerous (to his children) his behaviour is. unfortunately, as much as i want that to be true, from your later posts it is quite clear he is not accepting responsibility or admitting how bad it was.

We talked about splitting up and he had to make a dig about the kids missing him more, because he's around more

That is not necessarily true. Ex was a SAHF and I'm 100% that DS would have missed me more.

I wouldn't get upset about DP occasionally/discreetly looking at some porn in private, I guess most men probably do this at some point, and I'd probably take the 'none of my business' approach. But in the kitchen with the children around, while making sandwiches .

I find that absolutely bizarre and abnormal behaviour. It's either complete lack of boundaries or knowledge of social norms, or a real problem/addiction where he can't even get through normal everyday tasks like making lunch without having his 'entertainment' within view.

Either way it sounds very odd and worrying, and absolutely is your business. Can he not see how inappropriate and strange his behaviour is?

I agree with everything AF said as well. I don't like this man at all either. And more to the point, it doesn't sound like you do.

Ephiny "absolutely bizarre and abnormal behaviour" - yes - if it was actually porn. I think checking messages on dating sites is a more likely explanation. Still 100% wrong, but less, well, less bizarre somehow.

Yes that would be less bizarre, I agree! Still not a good situation either way though.

What would also be "bizarre" is if, to cover up texts to OW, this man let his wife think he was using porn when his children were around.

Does he really think that is the "better" option to be guilty of, bearing in mind that many women would simply say "game over" for that misdemeanour. It seems he knows the OP is beaten down and resigned to what a shit partner he is, and fully expects her to STFU when he tells her it's her fault he uses porn.

Awful. Truly awful.

Op can't work out in what way this man is not an abuser with insufficient boundaries around acceptable behaviour and the way he talks to you? Can you? Just because he's not successful at manipulating you does not mean that he isn't abusing you.

agree AF. if he IS using 'porn' as a cover for another behaviour then i find that totally bizarre. to me, downloading porn infront of your children is far worse than being on a dating site or texting another woman.

OP has already said she has become resigned to his porn use in the past.

This is a step further, that he obviously thinks she will become "resigned" to, also.

Very, very worrying. Whether he is covering up other behaviour or not, the fact that he thinks that downloading porn when your children are around is justifiable is the issue here.

Sorry, OP, it feels like I am talking about you when you are not here now. Am not going to comment again until you come back.

I would be horrified if my DP was looking at porn (or buffering it?!) whilst looking after my kids... it sort of makes you think his mind is on sex rather than his children and those thoughts cannot wait until a more appropriate time.

Is this the sort of man you want looking after your kids while you're at work. I don't think I could trust my DP doing that, its so sleazy.

And the guilt trap he's laying for you... well we all have needs don't we? But sometimes as an adult with children, that need a roof over their heads and food putting on the table, our needs are put on the backburner. I need to have a bloody shower but my baby is like a little spider monkey that won't be put down right now... such is life!

The porn needed 45mins to buffer???? I dont think so.

WHat would have happened if it was 'fully buffered' well before your DDs went to school, could he honestly have just left it there unwatched? Something tells me no. He wanted to watch it asap. I think he sounds like he doesnt give a shit whether the dds were around it or not.

Twat.

sorry but why is it all about him and his needs?

it all sounds so bad, especially him blaming you for everything he does and feels.

Agree completely with AF I am afraid.

Not really relevant but did you look at his browsing history OP?
I think for me it would be all over if my DH thought looking at porn in front of my DC was acceptable or a better excuse than looking at dating sites.
I think he's looking at dating sites and I think if you knew this you might feel more resolute and able to end it.

I said I wouldn't comment again until the Op came back, but I feel prompted to say something else

I have known friends to be in the most horrendous of relationships, with DV and financial abuse etc

What prompted them to finally leave was infidelity

They would say "he might be a dick, but at least he doesn't cheat on me" "he may hit me but I know he loves only me "

For some people, they will absorb so much bad treatment until that final straw...infidelity

Perhaps that is an issue here. OP's partner covers up OW with something he sees as "lesser" but which actually gives the biggest insight into the kind of person he really is.

I am speculating now though. Sorry, OP.

please excuse my ignorance but i am the least tech savvy person i know. what is buffering?

For some people, they will absorb so much bad treatment until that final straw...infidelity

This was my thinking, AF, it would be better for me if he was cheating rather than downloading porn in front of children but for some people the infidelity would be the final nail and what is required for them to really see the relationship was unhealthy and over.

I'm feeling a bit numb and nauseous today.

I get what you're saying about admitting to a 'lesser' offence. He's been very frank with me discussing this. I think he's hoping I read 'frankness' as 'honest'.
He denies and involvement with dating sites/OW, but how would I know? He uses the 'browse in private' thing. I think this is boiling down to whether I can trust him or not, doesn't it?
I don't.

I am not surprised you feel nauseous.

I think you are right that you can't trust him. You can't trust him to put his children's welfare above his own interests (whatever they might be) and you can't trust him to support you or respect you.

ok. so you need to decide what that means. do you want to work with him to get to a point where you do trust him again (with the onus being in him to make it clear he can be trusted, rather than being on you to 'forget' what happened and just trust him again') or do you want to end it? what are your immediate plans WRT your DD's who is caring for them when you are working?

I am reading "frankness" as confuscation and yap designed to make you feel numb and nauseous

oh ...

I had to google 'confuscation' but it sounds about right.
I have changed passwords on the parental control.
I don't know atm if i want to trust him again. I'm still processing this.