DD1 aged 13 don't know if this should be in teens or lone parents or in here and it's long and a bit ranty

[hathorinareddress]

She's 13

She has an active social life.

But the problem is she doesn't do any of it when she's with her Dad, only when she's at my house which means that I end up getting the shitty end of the shitty stick WRT running from pillar to post plus paying for all the activities.

Basically, she swears blind she has asked him and he has refused so she just doesn't ask him any more

I talked to him this morning and he says she doesn't ask.

I have tried to talk to her but... she's 13, it's all a big dramarama.

What can I do? We both live within 5 miles of each other, so it's not a "dad is so far away thing"

This weekend she went out straight from school to a birthday party sleepover, came home at 3pm, has sorted her washing, and is now in the shower as she has organised to be at the cinema for 6.30 for someone else's birthday.

And she thought she was going to another friend's tomorrow afternoon (which I am the worst mother in the world because I've said no to)

How can I square this circle?

I believe he probably says no more than most parents would, so she's given up asking him and I'm ending up with all the running to do, which isn't fair on me or on DD2 who is 10 - her and me are going to the cinema to see something else because the cinema is 20 mins away, by the time I'd drop off and pick up I'd hardly be home and it's not fair on DD2 that DD1 gets gets gets all the time.

Sorry - I think he says no more than most parents would, which makes me feel a bit guilty and I think I'm over compensating a little for his grumpiness.

He's not very sociable and he doesn't like to do things if they don't fit with his plans.

I went through this! And I don't have car!

From age 14, DD started sorting herself out about getting to the cinema with friends and getting to and from friends' houses. I did a couple of dry runs with her on buses and the local train, and she became very independent quite quickly. Also from 13 they can get cabs, if you feel ok with that. (We know loads of local taxi drivers so that's not so scary for us.)

Regarding her father, what a bummer. Can you not just kind of tell him what her plans are for the weekend and what he has to do, just once, and see how it goes? You could ask DD to tell you just one thing she would like to do, and you'll ask her dad to arrange it. Start small.

Does he take her out to do things himself?

Apart from that, I've no idea.

There aren't buses (we're very rural) and a taxi would be extortionate.

I could tell him, he would say no. He has refused in the past to take her to the cinema, even when she organised a lift home.

No he doesn't take her out to stuff.

It's not really the money, well it is a bit, but it's more the hassle and the fact that I end up feeling like I'm the bad mother for not running constantly all weekend.

I suppose I want him to do at least some of it - but he doesn't and he won't

I'm just venting really because I wanted a Sat night in the house. And now I won't get it.

I would say even if you were not a single parent, by the time any kid gets to their teens, this is how life works out. Your 10yo will get her turn.

What about her friend's parents? Do they live locally too or are all her friends some distance away?

They all want to go to the next big town - it's a small rural area and they're all spread out.

The kids she's going to the cinema with tonight live 5 miles away, 10 miles away and 18 miles away - and the cinema is 8 miles away.

I just don't remember it being as bad with DS but maybe that's because I was married then and DH was in the house so I didn't have to trail younger kids with me.

Erm - have you ever considered saying 'no'?

You don't have to run around after her. You deserve your own life too! And she is only 13. She doesn't have to be going out every night of the weekend.

If it's alright for your H to say no, then it must be OK for you. And if you say no, then perhaps she will pester him a little bit more.

BIWI that's exactly what my BF/DP whatever you call him said when I was giving out to him earlier.

His exact words were "FFS woman who is the adult here. Grow a pair and say no and she'll have to ask him"

I feel guilty because he says no and then effectively she's doing 2 x weekends worth of socialising in my weekends if that makes sense

I was brought up in a rural area, and up till 14 (seems to be a magic age in my family!) various parents took turns with lifts, and after that we were on out own. We tended to scrounge lifts from friends' older siblings. (Because it was rural, and because of the problems you outline, parents couldn't get their kids into vans and cars quick enough.) I remember my older brother's friend once taking us all to a party in an ice cream van he'd borrowed from his summer job. (And yes, we put the chimes on.)

Anyway, you need to Have Talks with your Ex. It's not reasonable that he has your DD lolling around at his house all weekend. What on earth does she do?

I am not your boyfriend. Honestly.

Yeah - I remember the relief when DS learnt to drive - it was fantastic.

Sadly, most of her friend's are either eldest kids, or live too far away to be of any practical use in terms of an older brother to do lifts.

It's so much easier in the holidays when DS is home from Uni because he does his fair share of lifts in return for the use of the car of course

I know I need to talk to the Ex but he's so hard work - he just won't budge. He's very inflexible.

BIWI -

Thing is, if she goes to the cinema, given that it's a 20 min drive, by the time I drive over, back there's 40 mins gone, then drive over and back again - another 40 mins, which is an hour and 20 mins in the car, and a film only lasts not even two hours - so it's easier to take DD2 to something else.

Oh and she was at the cinema last night as part of the first birthday party so why she needs to go tonight as well TO THE SAME FILM is beyond me.

But it's a different group of friends.

Which makes all the difference. Apparently.

Just say no ...

Well, she's already said she's going but I told her nothing else this weekend.

Which isn't fair.

I agree with the 'just say no' - she is taking you for a ride. I grew up in a v small rural town where the only facility was an open air pool (so summer only), and there was no way my parents were going to ferry me to the cinema etc. If I couldn't cycle there, I basically wasn't going. And it didn't harm me, or my friends tbh

I know. I need to toughen up.

I suppose it's been the guilt of the single parent a bit. Plus the fact that her dad just won't take her anywhere.

her dad needs to take on some of the running IMO. what is she doing at his house if they aren't going anywhere? do they just spend the weekend watching tv?

anyway, from now forward tell DD that she will just have to arrange things for the weekends she is at dad's (the same way she seems to be doing while she is with you) and that dad will just have to take her. she is 13 and entitled to have a bit of a social life. not sure it needs to be every weekend and twice to the cinema in 1 weekend (who is funding that??). also at 13 i think she can start arranging with friends that theyy can ask their parents to take turns doing lifts. are there really 4/5 sets of parents all going to the cinema at the same time and then back again later? couldn't one parent collect any dcs that live on the way and another do the return journey?

Boo - I wish it would work like that but it wouldn't.

I'm in a very small town, well just outside it, he's 5 or 6 miles away very rurally, and the cinema is in the next town over - but the kids all live very spread out and rurally as well.

She's just given up on asking him I think as well, which is part of the problem.

If you saw this from the outside it would be simple. It does not make you a bad parent to say no sometimes, and she is asking rather more than most. My kids - 11, 13, 15, dont get out as much as that.

I she is at his, then you are FREE for that weekend. When she is with you, she is one of three people with needs.

Over compensating for his lack of parenting does not make you a better parent.

Maybe she can also get a bike for some journeys. At this age, they will run you ragged if you let them, and they ALWAYS say that other kids have it easier- ask a few other parents, their kids are saying the same to them, and they all use this argument to play us all off against each other.

And she doesnt need to bother herself to ask him if she can guilt trip you instead!

Fiventhree - spot on.

Are you and BIWI and Boo all my BF/DP??

You have to say no. Fair enough to go out once on a weekend with her mates, but otherwise until she is old enough to get their under her own steam, its tough. She will have to invite friends over to her, or make friends with people locally.

I think this would be how to deal with it even if you and her dad were still together.

The having friends over when she's here is part of the problem though because I've put my foot down on that one in the last couple of weekends.

I work from home quite a bit and have a massive chunk of work on at the moment.

I had a house full of her mates permanently - if they weren't out on the gallivant, they were in my house, particularly her mate who lives round the corner, who didn't know when to go home.

And stamping hard on that seems to have meant more going out.

And tbh I cannot keep shelling out the petrol money and the cost of getting in all these places.

I agree - why on earth are you allowing your DD to treat you as a free taxi? Put your foot down or stop whining about it!

hathorinaredress

I have a major advantage over some parents, and it is this:

I have a 24 and 32 year old as well, left home now.

So I made many of the mistakes first and second time around ( and then some!) , and as they got older- mid 20s- they even tell me their old tricks and notice what tricks the younger ones are pulling when they are here. My 15 yr old daughter dreads her older sister visiting, as she susses out everything!