DD1 aged 13 don't know if this should be in teens or lone parents or in here and it's long and a bit ranty

[hathorinareddress]

She's 13

She has an active social life.

But the problem is she doesn't do any of it when she's with her Dad, only when she's at my house which means that I end up getting the shitty end of the shitty stick WRT running from pillar to post plus paying for all the activities.

Basically, she swears blind she has asked him and he has refused so she just doesn't ask him any more

I talked to him this morning and he says she doesn't ask.

I have tried to talk to her but... she's 13, it's all a big dramarama.

What can I do? We both live within 5 miles of each other, so it's not a "dad is so far away thing"

This weekend she went out straight from school to a birthday party sleepover, came home at 3pm, has sorted her washing, and is now in the shower as she has organised to be at the cinema for 6.30 for someone else's birthday.

And she thought she was going to another friend's tomorrow afternoon (which I am the worst mother in the world because I've said no to)

How can I square this circle?

I believe he probably says no more than most parents would, so she's given up asking him and I'm ending up with all the running to do, which isn't fair on me or on DD2 who is 10 - her and me are going to the cinema to see something else because the cinema is 20 mins away, by the time I'd drop off and pick up I'd hardly be home and it's not fair on DD2 that DD1 gets gets gets all the time.

Well, we are literally JUST in the door and she's said is on her way down

I said "You were told no not tonight"

Cue much oh but she's texted and I've not seen her blah blah - to which I replied well, if you were that keen to see her then you should've stayed here last night and tonight.

She's pushed her luck. And this is the night it's run out

i think this is a case of her learning that she needs to run things by you first before arranging them. telling you that she is going to the cinema or out with friends or having a friend over and expecting you to do lifts or feed an extra person or put off your own work to accomodate it isn't on. she needs to say, "mum can i go to the cinema on saturday night, it will mean you taking me and collecting me. is that ok?" or "is it ok if X comes round on sat evening for a few hours?" at which point you can tell her yes and agree times etc or you can say no it doesn't suit. announcing that it's happening isn't on.

Exactly Boo. And she's about to learn it.

Because I have a pair of MN Balls firmly strapped on

Mind you, there might be fireworks for a few days

oh i'd almost put money on the fireworks!! stay strong

I'm liking those balls, hathor ...

She's walking the dog with DD2. And an attitude that would cut steel

Let's face it, discovering the world with your friends and making sure you have friends is so much more important than family time for many 13 year olds. I don't see any suprise that she wants to be this way and it is therefore up to you to decide what you can afford in terms of time and money.

I also feel sorry for her because, if her Dad refuses to take her anywhere she is going to get very conficted and guilty about having to make a choice to not go and see her Dad versus keeping up with friends in the next few years.

I'm going to have to be blunt here and say that I am getting a feeling of resentment towards your DD running through your posts. It is not an insult against you or DD2 that she is spreading her wings - try not to take it personally - and I am wondering if you are transfering some of the resentment you feel to your ex on to her.

Eurostar - I find that assumption that I resent my DD1 very very offensive.

Nothing could be further from the truth - she has merely pushed her luck for the last couple of weeks and I needed to reign it in

Have you a 13 year old yourself?

She was being cheeky, rude, over bearing, inconsiderate, opinionated, treating the house like shit (clothes left all over the floor, refusing to do chores)

Are you seriously suggesting I should just roll over and let her get away with it, or is part of being a parent to pull her up when she's out of order.

Trust me, I am anything but a dragon - there are currently 5 of them in my family room playing the wii - and I'm quite sure if I was that bad they wouldn't want to be here.

Also, so you are aware, I have been through this before with DS who is 21 so I know what the young teen stage is like - it's not as if this is a shock to me.

I think that you do far too much, she has friends locally she can go out one day over the weekend and do something nearer to home the other days.

Its not fair on you and her sister for you to be constantly running around after one child all the time.

If she wants to go out more than once over the weekend i.e Fri Sat or Sun she needs to ask her dad to take her and also pay for it.

This is not just about taking her and traipsing around everywhere this is also about costs too, children have to be treated the same financially too, and one sister getting more than the other cos she has a more active social life is a little unfair.

Dad needs to contribute and take part in the social life of his children and if that means getting off his arse and taking her the he has to do that.

You are one woman with more than one child, you deserve a life outside of being a mother too it is not always just about children.

You have 5 dragons playing on the Wii?

no there were my 2 plus 3 - they've now had lunch and have all decided to go call for someone else and then "hang out" which probably means they'll be back here at some point.

This sort of stuff I don't mind in the slightest but I do mind when she organises to do stuff that I have to be involved in paying for or taking her to and she doesn't discuss it with me.

Like I said, I'm not resentful - that's an unfair comment but I wonder how many of you would like it if Friday night Saturday and Sunday were regularly spent keeping only one member of the family happy and ignoring the wishes of the rest?

Families work together, and sometimes kids have to learn that what they want is not going to happen, its called life. If we all got what we wanted all the time where would be the life learning in that.

You have a life too just because you have children doesnt mean your life has to revolve around them 100% of the the time, its about give and take.

Hi Fabby that's good advice.

Fabby - that is very very true and thank you for that. She has to learn that she is not the centre of the universe, nor is she top of the pile - she's one of 3 and all of us have to be considered.

And if that means I'm "resentful" then so be it.

A FBy 'Thumbs Up' for Fabbys post please, MNHQ.

I don't think that lone parent women are 'resentful' of their DCs when they wish to discuss an issue that's bothering them. I would have thought that they care a great deal.