DD1 aged 13 don't know if this should be in teens or lone parents or in here and it's long and a bit ranty

[hathorinareddress]

She's 13

She has an active social life.

But the problem is she doesn't do any of it when she's with her Dad, only when she's at my house which means that I end up getting the shitty end of the shitty stick WRT running from pillar to post plus paying for all the activities.

Basically, she swears blind she has asked him and he has refused so she just doesn't ask him any more

I talked to him this morning and he says she doesn't ask.

I have tried to talk to her but... she's 13, it's all a big dramarama.

What can I do? We both live within 5 miles of each other, so it's not a "dad is so far away thing"

This weekend she went out straight from school to a birthday party sleepover, came home at 3pm, has sorted her washing, and is now in the shower as she has organised to be at the cinema for 6.30 for someone else's birthday.

And she thought she was going to another friend's tomorrow afternoon (which I am the worst mother in the world because I've said no to)

How can I square this circle?

I believe he probably says no more than most parents would, so she's given up asking him and I'm ending up with all the running to do, which isn't fair on me or on DD2 who is 10 - her and me are going to the cinema to see something else because the cinema is 20 mins away, by the time I'd drop off and pick up I'd hardly be home and it's not fair on DD2 that DD1 gets gets gets all the time.

When I was younger, my parents would co-ordinate pick ups/drop offs with another friends parents. So, they take, mum would collect. You end up only doing one journey then. If her friends are local, it seems silly all sets of parents going in one direction, to the cinema.

Maybe say "I can run you to X, but not to Y. If you can arrange a lift, to Y, then Im happy for you to go, and i'll do the X journey?"

What does your DD do all weekend when she at her father's?!

Sorry, ignore that. If it is rural I can remember what my friends did. I even had my own vegetable patch. Lots of horses. Tbh is was quite nice at times, until we discovered the joy of discoteques.

The kids she's going with tonight are all miles away and none would be coming anywhere near me.

I'm stuck in softplay with DD2. It is hell.
This won't be happening ever again!

I had a house full of her mates permanently - if they weren't out on the gallivant, they were in my house, particularly her mate who lives round the corner, who didn't know when to go home.

Ah, so she does have a mate who lives close by. who she can "hang out" with..

And stamping hard on that seems to have meant more going out

Which is fair enough for a teenager...

I appreciate you work from home, but that isnt her fault, and it is unfair of you (I think) to stop her having friends round, just because you work...

Squeaky - I've not stopped it altogether just said no one in til homework is done, no later than 8.30 on a school night, go home when we are eating our tea and said girl can't be in every weekend for a sleepover. And even on a friday or sat night she can't be in any later than 10.30. Said child would be basically in every night all night, and all of the weekend - arrive friday night and sleep over, go home sat night around midnight and be in on a sunday from 1pm.

We were having no time me, her and DD2 as a family unit AT ALL. Because the friend was there every evening from 5pm til 10pm and literally all weekend.

So I don't think I've been unfair? Or have I?

No, I don't think you're being unfair, OP. Does your DD go to the friend's house, though?

I have the opposite - DD is always invited round to her friend's, and friend never seems to come here. We are cleaning the shit out of sorting DD's room out so that she can host a sleepover some time soon.

No. Her mum doesn't like mess.

Do they really make a mess? And noise? They could/should be a bit more responsible at 13, especially if it's a case of behave or don't spend time together.

Also the other mum is taking the piss.

But you get every other weekend off the ferrying around right? While she is at her dad's?

Friends of mine who live in rural areas have always seen the need to ferry their kids around more than normal the price they pay for them imposing their rural idyll living choices on their kids. I agree personally.

Could she perhaps do a sleepover at a friends at the end of one of these outings, so you don't have to do a pickup as well. Then at least you wouldn't be running around late as well. Perhaps when you do the pick up next day you could incorporate it into another errand.

If it spilled into your XDH's time - then would he not just have to pick her up from somewhere else?

Perhaps, if you and DD got together before the weekend so you could liaise the plans she has together you could get it to work better for you. At this age, they just don't think through the consequences on lifts etc.

We live very rural, and I'm off in 30mins to pick my DD up from the local station as she's been to see friends today.

You may feel her dad is getting away with his poor behaviour, but she won't forget his attitude. You will reap the reward for being the better parent sooner or later. What goes around, comes around!

Well I don't think they're that bad. But without boundaries there definitely was an element of piss taking but that's sorted now - but like it or not she cannot be in my house all the time. Me and my girls are surely entitled to some family time just us for me to build me and my girls into a family unit post the divorce?

Ah well if you havent stopped it altogether than no, thats not unfair, and I think 10.30 is definately late enough for a 13yo too.

I have to say though, that when I was 13, I didnt really have any interest in family time.. nor did any of my peers, and once my stepkids were in their teens, we rarely saw them too. In fact we see more of them now they are in their mid twenties than we did throughout their teens because they were out with their mates all the time, just as we were when we were their age.

Well sarah yes I do but why should my weekends when she's here be dominated by her wishes?

Also, some of us don't have a choice to live rurally. Your post is judgemental on that. And factually incorrect.

Yes I accept I have to run her around but why should it be all about her and why should I be the only one doing it?

Sorry if I upset you OP but she sounds like a normal teenager to me asking for normal things that 13 year olds ask for especially when they live rurally. Wanting to go to the cinema on a Saturday night is hardly a shocker is it so to me she does not sound at all unreasonable.

Unfortuntely sooner or later her father's attitude will impact on her relationship with her friends and he might well lose out on her time. That would be a shame and worth trying to fix but for the right reasons not just because you are feeling resentful of him.

I find it hard to believe that you do not have more choice than your daughter does about where you live but if I am wrong about that then I apologise. We might not always like some of the implications of our choices but there is rarely no choice at all.

Sarah I am on the mobile version but if you pm me so I can reply to you I am happy to explain.

And she was at the cinema last night. Surely she doesnnot have to be out every night at the weekend at a paid for by me activity?

Sarah I am on the mobile version but if you pm me so I can reply to you I am happy to explain.

And she was at the cinema last night. Surely she doesnnot have to be out every night at the weekend at a paid for by me activity?

I lived 'rural' because that's where my dad was from. His parents had a rural business, and he was brought up like I was in that place because it was simply where we lived.

It was far from an idyll!

My cousin grew up in a very rural part of devon.. very small village, no public transport at all, and as teens (I spent all my school holidays down there in my own teens) for the most part you hung about in the village... parents didnt ferry everyone about all the time.. maybe every couple of weeks to a disco in a neighbouring village, but other than that you do have to accept that living in a remote place, you have a less frantic social life than some of your peers. Most of the teens were allowed in the village pubs from their mid teens, not to drink, but because it is seen as part of the general social life in a small place.

I agree with you Hatha that if she went out to the cinema last night, then it is unrealistic to expect funding to go out again tonight... it is up to her to see her local mates, and not go somewhere that requires a lot of money, or a lift.

My parents solved this by saying Sunday was family time (until I was 18 and had my own car)

They would drive us more or less wherever we wanted on Saturdays and weekday evenings, but we were expected to be home for Sunday lunch, with which they would have a bottle of wine, so no-one was driving anywhere after lunch.

Hathor - you do not have to explain anything to me but I'll happily PM you if you want to offload or something or even tell me in prive to sod off

You paying for the cinema two nights in a row and the same film is an entirely different issue. Does she not have pocket money and instruction on the need to budget?

You could set limits in terms of money, distance and number of journeys...

Then she will have to choose which trips she does to do what and if she wants to do more she will have the option of asking her Dad.

That's true about the pubs - we were allowed in local pubs from 14, to sit and drink soft drinks, although we were with older friends for the most part.

Sarah - suffice to say its not an idyll and I cannot move. I will pm you when I get home.

I didn't take her last night and it was her friend's treat so I didn't pay either but to be out both nights without proper consideration is a mickey take.

Line/Squeaky I also lived the rural non-idyll but got the hell out when my first marriage ended. The "idyll" comment was definitely ironic! Despite my experiences I do still think sometimes how lovely it would be to live in the country again. Fortunately I have a better grip on reality and my own personality these days so know it is not for me (or DH or DC). But my experiences were definitely of the mum/dad 24 hour on-call taxi service and I definitely know that is not for me!