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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't speak to both sides of parents they havent bothered with my kids do we bother?

55 replies

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 10:26

firstly dh dosnt speak with this parents and sister due to the fact of last year he has a ds of 5 by another woman and we used to have him every other weekend without fail one weekend he said to my ds back then 2.5 (and his son was 3.5)(i hate myself for saying this but) he told him to pull his trousers down for my ds to suck his w*lly we totally went balistic as dh was walking past bedroom at the time and heard it)

my ds was way too young to understand and cried to do and saying the words i want to suck X w*illy (oh my god im crying now as you dont know what its done to me) we probably made it worse at the time for reacting the way we did

anyway took other son home decided that that was the last as we couldnt even talk about the situation or even mention other son;s name really hurt and made us sick

every time his name was mentioned ds said about his w*illy and i think at the time really damaged him (and us) dh couldn't have baths or showers anymore with ds as he was saying it (and that was something soo personal) i did threaten to get social services involved but didnt follow through

big argument with mil & sil as sil was supposed to take my 2 children away for an easter break but mil had invited herself along and other son so as we decided to stop ds and other son seeing each other we had to stop ours going alothough it was their holiday

as mil said im not stopping taking other son she basically she didnt care about what happened and brushed it off with oh he'll come out of school with more sayings than that

so from that day hasnt spoke or bothered with us or the kids since now dh and me dont care about us but the kids you dont push the kids out do u?

NOBODY treats my kids in that way anyone agree?

but the thing is i dont speak to my parents either as a big fall out about my wedding basically i wanted a dream wedding in cuba she didnt pretend that she would loved to have been there but couldnt afford it she just said that if she had a millions pounds she wouldnt even go so that was a bit of a fall out and hasnt even bothered with the kids

then we had a break in in our home and all our money was stolen amoungst other things and she didnt even phone to see how things were also we had to cancel the wedding due to money stolen

so we got married back in december in the local registry office and both parents didnt even bother to turn up only grandparents were there

just wondering as we are emigrating to New Zealand this year in a few months and in the beginning everyone said oh bright ideas they wont go etc.... now that we have sold our house some people belive that we are going

but do we bother making up with parents on either side before we go as both sides havent bothered with the kids and dh and I both hate them for that

I have had a bad upbringing as df adpoted me when i was 3 so there was always arguing and abuse as a child for me and now that i have my own children (who i adore) cant help the fact in hating them for the upbringing i have had as to the stuff that used to go on as for physical and mental abuse i cant forget and forgive as to how can people be soooo cruel!!

im soo sorry for going on but you have most of the facts now and i was wondering if you could help me

i dont really want to make up but it is in the back of my mind should i or shouldnt i??

OP posts:

icklmum · 27/01/2006 11:49

Hi there i am so sorry for you.
I do know how you feel i myself havent spoken or seen my mother at all for 3 years, although it started 8.5 years ago. For the first five years it upset me terribly that we had problems and just before my son was born and after i would go out of my way to see her and speak to her (ds is now 5).
But it a;ll came to a head 3 years ago when dp and i were having really bad problems where we were living and were being evicted (by an evil noncaring landlady) and istead of my mother calling to offer us suport and help she called and said it was all our own fault and she was going to get custody of ds!
To which i laughed at as she had only seen him once in 6 months and she had recently put one of my younger brothers into care because he was an upset and disturbed child!

Anyway since that day inve not spoken to her and just to show how concerned she is about her only daughter she has moved away and i have no idea where she is as she didnt tell me.

And believe it or not all this is because she has never approved of dp, who i have been with for 9 happy years, have a beautiful son with and another on the way and treats me like a lady!

i dont blame you for wanting to leave and not make up, can you honestly say that they will still make the effort after you have gone? The worst thing ever is having to introduce you child to its own grandparents everytime you see them.

prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 12:51

ok i dont necessarily think that you should make up, but i am a little confused about the situation with your other partners ds. Did something actually occur. Is there a chance that you could be overreacting a little (please dont shoot me) because at that age and up until about 6-7 both sexes can say sill ythings about genitals without any realisation about what it is and if that is the case then it seems very cruel to cut a little boy off from his father, whether its to protect another boy or not because of that. If it is very definately something serious and i supect that at 3 1/2 it almost certainly is, then has anything been done to find out why a three and a half year old boy knows to make a request like that. has your husband done anything and what is being done to ensure that the other little boy is being protected as much as yours because like it or not he does deserve it, and like it or not, it is your dhs responsibility. hearing about this incident sent chills down my spine and i know if you have been hurt yourself how upset you must have been for your little one, but is it reasonable to ask the mil not to have anything to do wiht one of her grandchildren because he has learnt about something very very nasty??? You have every right to protect your little boy but my concern is who is protecting the other one and i actually think you SHOULD have called ss in to find out where he has learnt that.

prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 12:52

think i have put dh in one bit where i meant your husband should be protecting both boys. sorry

prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 12:53

why on earth has that happened i only clicked once - sorry

saadia · 27/01/2006 13:34

Agree with prettyfly that a prime concern should be your dh's older son. I know you must feel sick and disgusted that your dh had to hear such awful things but his step-brother is also a child and his behaviour is a serious cause for concern. Is his mother with a new partner?

As for your family, they don't sound supportive or caring. Would your ds derive any benefit from that relationship. I mean they didn't even turn up for your wedding. TBH if you don't want to make up and they are not interested then why bother.

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 13:52

icklmum im sorry your situation has turned out that way as well when you seem to adore your dp and as you say have had 9 happy years

i dont know how people can turn against their own children what exactly goes through thier minds?? I certainly know something that i would not treat my kids in the same way!!

prettyfly1 as dh was walking past the room he heard other son saying to do it and started to put his trousers down for my ds to do it so the intention was there fully if dh hadn't been walking past then god knows what have happened

as cutting him off from his father that was totally dh he went mental cant even mention his name as of the concequences afterwards as to the special personal things like bathing together it was all ruined and we were totally devestated

I dont think we blew it our of proportion as to me thats wrong very wrong!!!

when i confronted the mother (im sorry but she is as thick as 2 short planks) she just said in the dumbest way as oh he got it off his brother from school and couldnt care less attitude she has 3 different son's by 3 different men also the first child has been told that someone is his father which is not and goes down the grandparents every weekend (which is not his grandparents) poor thing!!

Also mil would go out of her was every friday with out fail 20 mins there and 20 mins back to pick other son up to stay for the weekend and hardly ever picked our 2 kids up unless we would say is ds dd coming dwon 2day etc.. and we are literally 2 mins up the road

mil used to put down other son's mother alot as to when they pcked him up for the weekend used to smell a bit and then they had to bath him as other mother is not too clean inc house while this was going on i used to be fully involved too treated him as my own etc..
dont know what it is like now as we dont bother

but becuase of this we cannot change the way we feel about other son it has really damaged us and we will never be able to forget it

we did not stop mil from seeing our children she just stated firmly that she was taking other son on hols and as we said quite tidily we want them to be kept apart because of what went on she said well my kids will have to loose out then

i know i am sorry now i didnt call in ss but its way too late now also mil still have other son with out fail even morenow as other mother has just had her 3rd baby and is always tired and she knows how to play them they are at her beck and call

Anyone else got any advice???

OP posts:

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 13:55

yeah saadia your probably right why bother like i said i totally hate my upbringing anyway yes his mother is with someone new also just had her 3rd baby i know dh other son is half his responability but he can even mention his name after the damage he has caused you cant just change your feelings over night can u?

OP posts:

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 13:56

my mother has tried as in a few phone calles to try to break the ice but then it just ends in an argument as she retaliates by slamming the phone down (very immature) so then i think why bother

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 14:01

with the greatest respect in the world no you cant change how you feel overnight. so when an eighteen year old angry man comes looking for his dad and tells him he fxxxxxxg hates him becasue he said "suck my willy" when he was barely out of pampers and quite possibly learning things he shouldnt somewhere not nice, obviously you are going to understand why arent you. i am sorry and i so understand about your parents but i tell you what i hope you can live with yourself for letting a tiny little boys father reject him because he made a mistake. that is bloody disgraceful. what did you say about not ousting children adn taking it out on them. i actually feel quite sick and i wont be contributing any more to this thread because that is quite possibly the most disgraceful thing io have ever seen on this site. keeping your children apart is one thing but just cutting him out of his daddys life. AND YOU HAVE THE SHEER NERVE TO SAY HE HURT YOU. i am appalled.

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 14:07

well prettyfly everyone is entiteled to an opinion but keep your cool head i havent done nothing wrong in all this so why the attitude god once again now im reduced to tears only asking for help and this is what i get thanks a bunch wish i hadnt bothered now

OP posts:

QueenMab · 27/01/2006 14:09

Surely you don't think a 3.5 yr old knew what he was asking your son to do? You say had a terrible childhood - it sounds like this little boy may be going through the same thing. If his mother has a "couldn't care less attitude" perhaps you and your DH could consider that you may be able to offer him some love and security that it doesn't sound like he is getting at home?

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2006 14:13

emanspiks, I have a hard time understanding your posts, but you're saying that your (3.5-year-old) stepson said something inappropriate to your son, and seemed to be trying to do something inappropriate. So you're keeping them apart, rather than trying to find out how your stepson got such an inappropriate idea?

I'd be calling social services about what happened, so they could find out how this happened. And I certainly wouldn't blame a 3.5-year-old for doing something like that, I'd blame whoever taught him it.

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 14:14

thanks for your advice queenmab but i dont think i can it happened a year ago now and i still cant think about it and im sorry i started this now as im in floods of tears once again its dragged it all back up and i feel sooo sick at the response i have got totally shocking and i know dh feels worse than me

he is gettting the love and support off mil and family i used to feel for him and care for him but i cant now i really cant after whats happened

OP posts:

Original poster

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 14:17

NotQuiteCockney when at the time i did approach the situation all igot was its not that bad he got it off hs brother form school etc.. and nobody as in his mother and my mil seemed to care but nobody seen the way our ds was for a very long time after if my ds was then in playschool and said that the way he said it they would definately got ss involved and it wasnt my ds fault nor mine and as its been longer than a year its too late to call ss now

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 14:18

he is five years old for christ sake. how can you hold something like that against him. and i am sorry but if this has reduced you to tears then dont ask for opinions. ask us to agree with you.

tarantula · 27/01/2006 14:22

Doesnt matter WHEN it happened tho does it? SS should still be informed and this poor wee boy should be getting support from the people who are closest to him. Feel so sorry and scared for that poor wee kid. He needs help and by the sounds of so do you and dh so that you can all deal with it preferably together rather than by rejecting him.

QueenMab · 27/01/2006 14:23

Sorry, but I think what is totally shocking is the way that little boy has been treated. You really can't think he knew the implications of what he was saying to your DS?

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2006 14:25

I understand you being upset. What I don't understand is why you're angry at your stepson and refusing to see him, rather than trying to help him.

fireflyfairy2 · 27/01/2006 14:25

He is a child..and if he said "Suck my willy" I would be wanting to know exactly where he heard it, and making sure he didn't hear it again! So, in that respect, you say you treated him like another son, well, IMO you didn't. If it had been your son said it you would have went out of your way to find out where he heard it, how he knew what situation to say it in, my god, he was just 3.5. And if your son is 2.5 then I guess the first son didn't have that much to do with his father, as he wouldn't have been that old when his father got you pregnant.

The child needed someone to watch out for him, to investigate where he may hav heard this insulting comment.. as his mother said, he may well have heard it from his brother, children copy what their siblings say and do, but IMO you and your husband have failed this little boy by pushing him away from your own family, and if the boy was just opening his trousers then your son wouldn't have saw his willy anyway.

tabitha · 27/01/2006 14:31

Tbh I think you've treated your stepson very badly. To completely deny a child his father for something he was far too young to know what he was doing is, imo downright cruue. He was only 3 ffs - little more than a baby. Fair enough, be angry, but direct your anger at the right person ie whoever he learnt this behaviour from.
You say you had a bad upbringing and if that's the case, I'm really sorry but you're not a child now, you're an adult and should maybe think about growing up a bit and acting like one.
As for whether you should make up with your families or not, well it's entirely up to you. Personally I think you should but you're probably not going to take my advice anyway, are you?

QE2 · 27/01/2006 14:34

I agree with some of the posts on here that the little boy has been treated very badly and something should be done about finding out why he said what he did..

I think we need to stop and think how best to help the OP handle this better. A lot of these posts are verging, no are very agressive and not very helpful to emanspiks.

tabitha · 27/01/2006 14:38

I'm not meaning to be aggressive and I do think emanspinks needs helps but I find it quite offensive that she expects sympathy and understanding for treating a little boy so badly.

groat · 27/01/2006 14:44

when my ds1 and ds2 were taking a bath with their cousin (he was staying over) they were all saying to each other lick my bottom kiss his willy etc etc. Nothing is wrong with them they were all under 6 I don't plan on calling SS. It is just one of those things that children either pick up or just make up for themselves. I stopped them of course but I did not go ballistic because it would have made their little fun game into something huge and important and that would have stayed with them longer than me just saying stop that that's rude.
Does this make sense. ANyway at 3.5 he would not have known the implications of what he was saying and regardless of whether you make contact with parents you SHOULD make contact with this poor little boy. IMO

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