Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't speak to both sides of parents they havent bothered with my kids do we bother?

55 replies

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 10:26

firstly dh dosnt speak with this parents and sister due to the fact of last year he has a ds of 5 by another woman and we used to have him every other weekend without fail one weekend he said to my ds back then 2.5 (and his son was 3.5)(i hate myself for saying this but) he told him to pull his trousers down for my ds to suck his w*lly we totally went balistic as dh was walking past bedroom at the time and heard it)

my ds was way too young to understand and cried to do and saying the words i want to suck X w*illy (oh my god im crying now as you dont know what its done to me) we probably made it worse at the time for reacting the way we did

anyway took other son home decided that that was the last as we couldnt even talk about the situation or even mention other son;s name really hurt and made us sick

every time his name was mentioned ds said about his w*illy and i think at the time really damaged him (and us) dh couldn't have baths or showers anymore with ds as he was saying it (and that was something soo personal) i did threaten to get social services involved but didnt follow through

big argument with mil & sil as sil was supposed to take my 2 children away for an easter break but mil had invited herself along and other son so as we decided to stop ds and other son seeing each other we had to stop ours going alothough it was their holiday

as mil said im not stopping taking other son she basically she didnt care about what happened and brushed it off with oh he'll come out of school with more sayings than that

so from that day hasnt spoke or bothered with us or the kids since now dh and me dont care about us but the kids you dont push the kids out do u?

NOBODY treats my kids in that way anyone agree?

but the thing is i dont speak to my parents either as a big fall out about my wedding basically i wanted a dream wedding in cuba she didnt pretend that she would loved to have been there but couldnt afford it she just said that if she had a millions pounds she wouldnt even go so that was a bit of a fall out and hasnt even bothered with the kids

then we had a break in in our home and all our money was stolen amoungst other things and she didnt even phone to see how things were also we had to cancel the wedding due to money stolen

so we got married back in december in the local registry office and both parents didnt even bother to turn up only grandparents were there

just wondering as we are emigrating to New Zealand this year in a few months and in the beginning everyone said oh bright ideas they wont go etc.... now that we have sold our house some people belive that we are going

but do we bother making up with parents on either side before we go as both sides havent bothered with the kids and dh and I both hate them for that

I have had a bad upbringing as df adpoted me when i was 3 so there was always arguing and abuse as a child for me and now that i have my own children (who i adore) cant help the fact in hating them for the upbringing i have had as to the stuff that used to go on as for physical and mental abuse i cant forget and forgive as to how can people be soooo cruel!!

im soo sorry for going on but you have most of the facts now and i was wondering if you could help me

i dont really want to make up but it is in the back of my mind should i or shouldnt i??

OP posts:
tarantula · 27/01/2006 14:50

I would say the best thing that you and dp could do would be to get some councelling for your own problems. I think that you both need to look at what happened clearly and see where it all went wrong. Then I think your dp needs to begin to sort out his relationship with his son and having contact with him again if that is possible.

Bozza · 27/01/2006 14:52

My DS (4)has come home from school and said this. And I know exactly where he has got it from (another boy in the class). But I have not disowned my son and cannot believe your DH has done that.

ellasmum1 · 27/01/2006 15:13

also i don't understand how stopping your husband bathing with your son etc really helps.it doesnt take much to tell your child gently that "willys"are private etc.
I really think your dh and you have overreacted.All small children do inappropriate/say inappropriate things at some point!
Regarding your parents i would probably not bother making up with them if you don't think they'll bother keeping in touch anyway.Unless it'll help you sleep at night. Surely if you are all off to NZ then you weren't going to be seeing your stepson anyway. Poor child.

wannaBe1974 · 27/01/2006 15:14

I think it says more about you and your partner than your inlaws when you are prepared to disown a 3-year-old for saying something inappropriate. Your DP should have been looking at the causes of what was said, and let's face it, your own son went home and repeated what was said so it shows just how easily such phrases are picked up and repeated.

I won't say any more because I feel so strongly about this that it is likely I will say something that I possibly shouldn't.

Having read through this though, this whole situation seems a little way out there, - are we sure this person is genuine and not a troll?

catsmother · 27/01/2006 15:14

I agree with nearly everyone else who's already written, but would add, that I too would feel sick if I heard another child "propositioning" one of mine like that ......

..... however, I would feel sick because the 1st thing that'd occur to me is where a 3.5 yr old child might have learnt it ?

Yes ..... kids love all mention of poo, bums, willies etc., it might just be an extension of that, and it could be entirely innocent in the sense that the child had no idea that what he was asking - to an adult - is oral sex. On the other hand, maybe a much older child (there was only a year's difference between these two) or - worst of all, an adult had introduced the boy to this concept ...

... in which case, it goes without saying that he will need his dad more than ever. The natural mother may have been dismissive of it because she genuinely believed it had been picked up from older kids in the playground. She may also have been dismissive to cover up her own fears, or to cover up for a boyfriend (or whoever) ?

Whatever the truth - and I hope for the child's sake, it was a simple question of "exploring" ..... why on earth should contact with his natural father be obstructed ? And if that little boy was or is being abused, how can his natural dad walk away like that, and how can it be encouraged.

3.5 year old children are NOT deliberately sexually provocative unless something very seriously wrong is going on in their life - and even then, they are victims and should be pitied and protected from further harm.

I can't help feeling that DS has been "damaged" by yours and your DH's reaction to the event. He won't have understood what was going on but saw mummy and daddy getting extremely upset and angry, and now his half-brother has "disappeared" off his radar, as well as both sets of grandparents. I agree this has all been traumatic for him, but he's probably wondering what on earth's going on.

I also can't help wondering if there is maybe more to this than meets the eye ....... that the incident has been siezed upon as an excuse to shut SS out of your life ? Both you and DH are equally culpable here.

I know you seem offended by many of the replies here, but ask yourself this ..... it's not just the odd dissenting voice is it, almost everyone who's taken the time and effort to reply has sought to reassure that your stepson is not some sort of evil monster, but an innocent child who may possibly have been abused.

I'd recommend that as a 1st step you speak to your Health Visitor about the incident. She'll be impartial and can maybe help put it into perspective for you. She will also be able to suggest how you move on from here, offer you tactics to reassure DS, and maybe advise on how your stepson's own "risk" (or not, hopefully) might be dealt with. She can liase directly or indirectly with his natural mother for example, and take necessary "steps" as she sees fit if there's a basis for further concern.

You can not project adult evils and intent to harm/damage upon such a very young child.

Please please speak to your HV, at least, as a 1st step.

If you actually want to sort this out that is.

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 15:19

thank you very much QE2 someone who has the sense and a little understanding as to why i posted this

i did not expect everyone to gang up on me and to say the very hurtful things that have been said afterall is not my fault

and to be honset with the response i got after being out in the fresh air picking kids up from school i thought to myself your lives must be sooo happy you must have the perfect lives well to be honest you lot (the majority) of who has abused me have made me hate the other son even more now

so thanks alot as i came on here for advice on the both parents not the other son i just had to explian a little as the situation for you to undersatnd which hardly any do
all i wanted was advise on the parents as im emigrating in several months and by hell be glad to get away from such a mean and horrible people

where i am going no body judges you nobody will snigger or talk behind your back

and i cannot wait to go the sooner the better

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 27/01/2006 15:21

ok now i think a troll has joined our site, lets not discuss this anymore.

fireflyfairy2 · 27/01/2006 15:27

So why did you ask for advice then? Just for everyone to agree and say we would abandon our children too if they had said that?

Why have comments made you hate the child aven more? Maybe it's a good idea you are emigrating then!!

All I can say, that if this child had been YOUR son and not your step-son you would have had to work it out...not walk away. And as a matter of interest, where you actually going to be in contact with your husbands son once you moved away? Once again, the child has my deepest sympathies, to have you as a step-mother (who has just openly admitted to hating him) and a father with no spine who will not make contact. What if it had been the other way round, your son said it to the step-son, you'd be singing from a different song sheet then would you not?

Jackstini · 27/01/2006 15:27

Emanspiks - I do think this is more about the situation with your DS/SS than your parents.
It does sound like your family could do with some counselling about this incident - especially as is is obviously still affecting you so badly 1.5 years later. I can understand with your upbringing it may have brought back very unpleasant memories. However, I do have to agree with the posts on here these recommend you still contact social services. It will not be hard for you to put yourselves in SS shoes and imagine how much help could be needed. A 3.5 year old would have no idea what he was saying - he needs to be protected from wherever he heard that, not punished for something he does not realise was wrong. he must be so confused as to why his Daddy is no longer in his life and that is not fair on him or your DH.
I cannot stress this enough - all 4 of you need some help - please, please get some. Good luck.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2006 15:28

I think she was asking about what she should do about the rest of her husband's family.

And where can you go where nobody judges anyone? The moon?

fireflyfairy2 · 27/01/2006 15:31

I don't think it makes any difference if you make contact with your family or not, if you are going away you won't see them anyhow.

catsmother · 27/01/2006 15:34

How any adult could be "made" to hate a tiny child even more by the opinions of a bunch of strangers is utterly beyond me !!!

In fact, if true, that person is very seriously twisted and needs help - and quick. No more tact, but saying it like it is.

Is this supposed problem really about parents ?? Or is it someone seeking justification for abandonning a very young child who may be in need of genuine help and support from his natural dad ?

But then again, in New Zealand, with the best will in the world, he's not going to be in any position to offer that anyway is he ?

Never mind "should I make up with both sets of parents?", the question you should be asking is that given your (both you and your husband) cruel reaction to a young child, and your tendency to strop off when people disagree (as shown here, and over the "dream wedding"), is whether or not they would want to make up with you !!!!!!!!

kalex · 27/01/2006 15:37

Catmother, I always love your postings, you say what I want, but far more eloquently!

catsmother · 27/01/2006 15:39

Thanks !!!! ........ but I did have to restrain myself just then.

wannaBe1974 · 27/01/2006 15:54

I still think it's a troll, but on the off chance that it isn't, I'd say that the SS is best off without his father and stepmother in his life not the other way round, and saying "no one pushes the kids out", you are being a total hipocrit, you can push anyone else's kids out as long as it's not your own, even your DH's own biological child because he doesn't, at 3 years old, conform to your way of thinking - you should be ashamed of yourself. And no one on here is being mean - the only one being mean is you, to an innocent child, who quite possibly needs love and support, and all you can do is condemn him for something he possibly didn't even know what he was doing. You'd better hope that your DH never splits from you, because if he does, then you can expect the same treatment of your own son from him.

giddy1 · 27/01/2006 16:01

Message deleted

kalex · 27/01/2006 16:17

Would just like to add, that if your were my eh partner, I would wipe the floor with you both, how dare you stop access between father and son!!!!
and before you say, DP was also of that opinion - you are a MOTHER!!!! you are supposed to be the bigger person.

I really hope you are a troll and not a mother

PeachyClair · 27/01/2006 17:05

I'm sorry but 3.5 year olds do not damge people, but your behaviour is sure to have damaged him. if you were really concerned and a decent person you would have called SS, just abandoning this kid is way out of order and deserves no sympathy. I think you are supposed to be an adult, no? (possibly a troll though)

If I were your DH I would drop you like a shot if you told me not to see my son- taking ds2 with me of course.

And BTW I had a pretty abusive childhood too, that makes me want to looka fter my kids or indeed any kids, not be cruel to them or allow them the possibility of abuse.

troll or not you make me very angry. I'm not normally one to get riled on here but you need serious help!

lemonstartree · 27/01/2006 18:00

Dear Lord woman GET A GRIP

your dhs son is a CHILD. You have damaged HIM big time.

I hope you can live with yourself.

Katemum · 27/01/2006 18:01

By Emanspinks at 1.52
I dont know how people can turn against their own children what exactly goes through thier minds?? I certainly know something that i would not treat my kids in the same way!!

What has your dh done to his own son?

emanspiks · 27/01/2006 22:02

for goodness sake i did not tell dh to stop seeing his son it was his decision and as for a troll?? what the hell is that i am a good decent person and from my up brining i have treated my kids much different with all the love attention and time given to my precious kids

I cant help the way i feel as to what ss has done if i could change it i would but bloody hell i was asking about parents not ss i didnt want to make that an issue

anyway all you lot have done is made matters worse even though you dont know all the facts maybe all jumped to conclusions by god i hope you you all have some problems of some sort and can only get pleasure in other peopls problems

is this all you do as in look in to other peoples problems probably to make your own life more interesting

and i thought this was supposed to be anyones chat since when was it ours*

bloody hell looks like ive rattled a few cages lol never mind you ve made me feel a whole lot better now lol

OP posts:
catsmother · 27/01/2006 22:53

A troll is someone who comes on public forums with deliberately controversial or mischievous stories, hoping to shock/start an argument/get attention.

Ok - you wanted advice about parents ...

... if you'd said "I haven't spoken to my inlaws for ages, should I make up" and left it at that, I can guarantee that you would have been asked why.

As it is, of your own free will, you told us why ........ so of course people are going to respond to that. This is after all a PUBLIC forum, and on public forums there is never any guarantee that people will always agree with you.

You may have been offended by what was said, but the situation you described about SS was potentionally very SERIOUS you stupid woman, and if you had a glimmer of maturity within you, you would have realised that harsh though some replies may have been, people had still bothered enough to spend their time responsing to you - ultimately, because they cared not only about 2 very little children, but also about your whole family unit (you may recall I suggested you speak to a Health Visitor as an "impartial" advisor).

To strike out, "hoping" FFS (how nasty is that ??!!)that we "all have problems of some sort" and muttering about people here taking pleasure in other's problems is truly ungrateful and pathetic. Open your eyes and read the 1000s of messages here .... there are loads of people here with heartbreaking/worrying/frustrating/life destroying/life and death issues going on in their lives, and those people still take the time to offer sympathetic words of advice and support to others who have - by comparism - "trivial" problems.

Most mature adults appreciate that support and good advice doesn't always arrive wrapped up in satin and silk. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind .... that doesn't mean that people don't care.

Any thread which raises the potential of a child in distress or at risk etc. will be answered in a forthright manner. What did you expect telling us what you did ? ....... presumably, from your reaction, we were all supposed to say the inlaws were terribly wrong and how gracious you were in considering a reconciliation with them.

No - we don't know all the details. Derrrrr ..... errrr ..... no, of course we don't. We don't know you. All the replies you've had have been based on the selective details you've chosen to supply.

I am so very glad you are feeling better now ..... even though, in the same post you previously state "we" have made things worse ???!!!

Whatever ......

I feel sorry for the children involved here. There is NEVER any justifiable excuse for abandonning such a very young child, and especially not if there is the tiniest risk he may be being abused, or has been exposed to past inappropriateness (eg: porn left lying about).

You say you "can't help how you feel about SS" and you'd change it if you could. Well, FFS, bloody well take steps to seek help (both you and DH by the sounds of it) and bloody well change it then. Speak to Health Visitor, GP, Social Services etc. if you need any more confirmation that your reactions - as adults - to this are more than a little bit skewed. (And if they tell you that your reaction is perfectly natural and normal, come back here, tell us all about it and I'll apologise ............ guess that was a flying pig I just saw outside). They can arrange family counselling etc. and take the necessary steps regarding SS.

YOU have some big problems ....... coming here seeking justification isn't going to solve them unless you accept responsibility for yourself, your son and SS - yes, the devil's own spawn.

Then, when you've done that, and grown up a bit, you could then turn your attention to the parents and rebuilding relationships there.

Katemum · 27/01/2006 22:56

Do good decent people generally turn their backs on vunerable 3 year olds? I sincerely hope not.

misdee · 27/01/2006 22:57

step son is a child, he needs love and suppport, not to be abandoned.

TambaTheInnocentPrincess · 27/01/2006 23:33

I havent read the other posts but...

I think you are your dh are cruel to cut his son out of your lives. Maybe you could try thinking about someone other than yourself and try showing some concern to where he got the idea from. Parents are supposed to love and care and protect there children and quite honestly your dh is failing his son on all counts. It sickens me to think of a young child wondering what hes done to make his daddy not love him anymore. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Off to read the other posts...

Swipe left for the next trending thread