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Original poster

Just shocked myself as I realised that my younger children have no idea.....

69 replies

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:14

that their big sister has a different biological father. I split with DD1's dad when she was a few months old. He was v abusive to me and her, and was not allowed any contact whatsoever, or any form of PR. DD1 is now 12 and we haven't heard anything from or of him for nearly 12 years. DD1 knows all about it - when she was younger I used to talk about her 'father' to her because obviously she has a right to know. But over the years it's been talked about less and less. I was always very open with her about why there was never any contact, which was hard to do but I felt I had to be completely honest about it, in as gentle way as I could be.

When DD1 was three I remarried to my now DH. We had two more children and DH is now DD1s legal parent as well as her dad 100% in her eyes.

So it may sound strange, but I am shocked because it's something I almost never think about, and is not an issue to me, or to my eldest daughter, so it's suddenly hit me that, as it's something way in the past now, we never talk about it within our family. Therefore, DD1's younger siblings (7 &3) don't know anything about it. Therefore, it also feels to me now that I've been inadvertently keeping something from them - and I don't know how to broach the subject now

I don't want to have a big family secret from my younger children, but I don't have a clue what to say to them. How would they even understand what it means to have a different (biological) dad when they don't understand about sex yet? But if I don't start mentioning it soon, surely it will then turn into a big secret which they could stumble upon one day when theyre older and then feel quite shocked?

It probably sounds horrible too, but I also now feel that we are a happy and 'real' family, and by telling them the technicalities of their elder sister being actually their half sister, I could make it all feel different, for them and for her. I almost feel ashamed of my past now because everything is so different now. It's as if I imagine my younger children see me as this lovely happy mummy who does everything right, and I've now got to tell them that actually I used to be a huge fuck up. Can't believe how hard this realisation has hit me TBH

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 12:16

You need to start talking about it in a completely natural way, for your DD1's sake as much as any other. Does your DD1 not have any contact with her biological paternal side?

mojitomania · 23/02/2012 12:17

They're only young so I'd wait until something crops up and then explain. No point in beasting yourself either over the past either really is there.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:18

No DD1 has never had any contact with his family - he had been estranged from them from an early age - lots of issues there.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 23/02/2012 12:19

Hmm. I can see that it's complicated. Does DD1 look like her father's side at all?

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:21

Don't think she does particularly, I think she looks like me, dark eyes & dark hair. DH has blond hair & so do the younger children, but nobody (who doesn't know) has ever commented on it.

OP posts:

G0ldenbrown · 23/02/2012 12:26

I might be a bit controversial here, but do they nee to know? Does it matter when they really have the same 'Dad' if not the same 'father'.

I'm adopted (in a very complicated situation). When I was young my parents were very open about it but gradually I sort of repressed it saying things like "When you had me" to my mam and she did not have the heart to correct me. Eventually I 'forgot' altogether that they were not my birth parents. When I was 18 my mam had to go through the ordeal of telling me, even though they had never tried to hide it.

I know the situation is different but it really does not mean a thing to me, less so to my brothers. You are not 'hiding' it, you are just continuing life as a family

dearprudence · 23/02/2012 12:27

I agree with Bonsoir that you talk about it naturally. Maybe you could engineer some conversation about your facial features or something, and drop in that of course DD's nose (or whatever) isn't like DH's because she had a different dad when she was a baby. Then take it from there, answering any questions that come up without telling them any more than they're asking at the time.

I think you're right in that you don't want to keep a 'secret'. If your eldest DD is happy and comfortable with the situation - which is sounds like she is, which is an achievement in itself - then she should be happy having it mentioned.

Hardgoing · 23/02/2012 12:28

Do you not talk with your 12 year old even sometimes about it? I think I'd be starting there rather than making a big announcement. I don't mean to talk about it if she doesn't want, but she may have wonderings and feelings about it, even if they are negative or ambivalent (e.g. what did my dad do that was so bad? why is there no contact? why is he never mentioned in the house?) I mean all of this in the context of her absolutely loving and accepting your DH as her dad, the two things are not necessarily incompatible.

I wouldn't worry about the 3 year old knowing, but surely a 7 year old has some idea of how babies are made or at the very least a little basic biology that you need male and female input to make a baby. Mine do know this (aged 6 and 8) and we have discussed when people say 'I don't have a dad' what they mean is they don't live with a dad or have one in their lives, but you still need the man's sperm to make a baby actually happen. Mine have a dad who lives away a lot and so it's important to discuss what dads do and how families differ for us, plus children do talk at school about these things.

So, gently opening up some avenues of conversation a) about how babies are made and b) perhaps with your dd1 about her biological parentage might help. I don't think you need force it though, there's no time limit and I don't think you are witholding anything unless you lie if they ask things directly.

AMumInScotland · 23/02/2012 12:28

Do you have photos of you and Ex and DD? You could get them out with a range of family photos and talk about who everyone is. Your younger DC won't think there's anything odd about it, or feel differently about her, if you make it just a matter-of-fact thing. And you don't need to tell any of them how bad things were or that it was all a mess, just that she had a different father but you splti up and he "went away" and you met Daddy and you're all happy together.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:29

Thanks Goldenbrown, you've kind of summed up the quandry I'm having. I feel like by making a bit statement about it I'm changing things, or at least making my DC feel differently about things. And it doesn't affect them directly, or at least not in the way that it does their older sister.

But isn't it wrong to actively keep it secret from them? Or will they not care, since it's not about 'them'?

OP posts:

bellabelly · 23/02/2012 12:29

"I almost feel ashamed of my past now because everything is so different now."

You should feel sooooo proud of yourself. You have turned your life around. You are giving all of your children a happy, loving homelife. Your past might make you feel sad but never be ashamed of it. Only your ex-DH should feel any shame. And of course, your past gave you DD1.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:30

And thanks to everyone else too - sorry didn't refresh before posting my reply...

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Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:31

Thats a lovely thing to say bella

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SecondRow · 23/02/2012 12:33

What about your wedding photos - is DD1 in them? Wouldn't that be an avenue for explaining that you already had DD1 before you met DH?

GhastlyBespoke · 23/02/2012 12:35

If you feel that now is too early for the little ones to fully understand then definitely delay, but do it as soon as you feel able.

My cousin has never informed her daughter that her older brother has a different father. They are now 18 and 24. Everybody knows except her. She will be so devastated and feel so stupid when she finds out I fear it will do damage to the family.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:36

It's not really that we 'never' talk about DD1s father, it does come up sometimes and DD1 doesn't have a problem talking about it, or with me talking about it. She did once say 'oh FGS mum do we have to keep talking about him, I'm alright, I'm happy, stop worrying' (or words to that effect). She never seems to need to talk about him and I don't particularly want to keep bringing it up.

It's not a taboo in our household, certainly not, but it's not something the younger children would have ever picked up on, I don't think.

I do have photos of him tucked away in the loft. I have asked DD various times if she would like to see them - she's never been interested and just says 'maybe one day'.

OP posts:

throckenholt · 23/02/2012 12:36

Can you get old photos out of DD1 when she was a baby. And mention in passing that that was before you met DH so that is why there are no photos of him with her.

Just sort of ease it into their consciousness. Over time they will realise that must mean not the same father. And when they ask questions just answer them honestly. They don't need to know all the details of why he isn't there.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:37

Ghastly thats exactly the situation I don't want to drift into.

Yes DD1 is in all the wedding photos, which are plastered all over the walls of our house . I had never thought of that 'angle'.

OP posts:

G0ldenbrown · 23/02/2012 12:38

My Mam did a lot of bigging up "it the person who brings you up, not the person who made you that matters" when I was young. So before you tell them I'd try and work that in somehow. We were actually watching a Jerry Springer about biological parents when she 'told' me.

And at the age of your DC I kind of agree with others, talk about it as if they always knew and then it will just become fact. I can understand not wanting to keep a 'secret', my views are probably a bit biased on this kind of matter!

If your oldest does not seen to care though, you and your hubby have done an amazing job.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:40

throcken you've just reminded me of something - a couple of years ago my middle child used to love me telling him the story of the day he was born, ever night at bedtime. DD1 got to know the story and used to join in with it.

I used to sit there thinking 'if he asks me to tell him the story of when his big sister was born, I don't know what I'll say, because it was scary, horrible, I was on my own and absolutely fucking terrified of what was coming. He never did ask.

OP posts:

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:41

Thanks again Goldenbrown. I hope it's that we've done a good job - it does surprise me sometimes just how disinterested DD1 is in the subject. Maybe if she hadn't had such a good 'replacement' dad from a young age she would feel she had more of a gap in her life needing filling?

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purpleroses · 23/02/2012 12:42

7 and 3 is quite young really. How much does your 7 year old know about conception? I would think that whenever you start answering questions about how babies are made is the time to mention who made each of your DCs.

In all other respects your younger DCs are right really aren't they? - that their dad IS DD1's dad in all the ways that they think of a dad being a dad.

kitsmummy · 23/02/2012 12:44

I think you just need to tell the younger kids casually, it's not really such a big deal so don't act like it is, and do stress that they're all still brothers and sisters.

I have the same situation, but DD is only three so we haven't had The Chat with her as such but it will never be hidden from her that DS has a different dad.

I've always played down the fact though that they're half brother and sister, I prefer to have them referred to as brother and sister as that's what they are, they're certainly as close as any "full" brother and sister I've ever met and if people do ever refer to them as half brother and sister it quietly annoys me a bit as it seems to do a bit of dis-service to their close relationship.

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:44

I don't think my 7 year old knows much yet - he's not started asking questions yet anyway.

And yes, when you put it like that, they do know who DD1's 'dad' is.....

OP posts:

Original poster

howtotellthem · 23/02/2012 12:47

Hope you don't mind me asking kit but does your DS see his biological dad? I know plenty of people in that situation, and the younger ones then grow up just knowing there's another dad as he probably comes round every weekend to pick up his DC, or whatever.

I don't know anyone else in my situation though, where it was all so horrible that any contact was completely cut off. I think maybe that's why I struggle, because any conversation about it would then have to lead to why that person is now non-existent in our lives.

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