Just shocked myself as I realised that my younger children have no idea.....

[howtotellthem]

that their big sister has a different biological father. I split with DD1's dad when she was a few months old. He was v abusive to me and her, and was not allowed any contact whatsoever, or any form of PR. DD1 is now 12 and we haven't heard anything from or of him for nearly 12 years. DD1 knows all about it - when she was younger I used to talk about her 'father' to her because obviously she has a right to know. But over the years it's been talked about less and less. I was always very open with her about why there was never any contact, which was hard to do but I felt I had to be completely honest about it, in as gentle way as I could be.

When DD1 was three I remarried to my now DH. We had two more children and DH is now DD1s legal parent as well as her dad 100% in her eyes.

So it may sound strange, but I am shocked because it's something I almost never think about, and is not an issue to me, or to my eldest daughter, so it's suddenly hit me that, as it's something way in the past now, we never talk about it within our family. Therefore, DD1's younger siblings (7 &3) don't know anything about it. Therefore, it also feels to me now that I've been inadvertently keeping something from them - and I don't know how to broach the subject now

I don't want to have a big family secret from my younger children, but I don't have a clue what to say to them. How would they even understand what it means to have a different (biological) dad when they don't understand about sex yet? But if I don't start mentioning it soon, surely it will then turn into a big secret which they could stumble upon one day when theyre older and then feel quite shocked?

It probably sounds horrible too, but I also now feel that we are a happy and 'real' family, and by telling them the technicalities of their elder sister being actually their half sister, I could make it all feel different, for them and for her. I almost feel ashamed of my past now because everything is so different now. It's as if I imagine my younger children see me as this lovely happy mummy who does everything right, and I've now got to tell them that actually I used to be a huge fuck up. Can't believe how hard this realisation has hit me TBH

and maybe you can bring into conversation the concept of half siblings and step siblings. They will probably know lots of people who have those. Explain that not everyone who lives together as a family all have the same parents. Even bring it in when explaining how uncles, cousins, grandparents etc fit together.

Just make some openings in general conversation to raise awareness of complicated family relationships and gradually over time they will realise it for themselves. Maybe also talk about dates, we got married in x, you were born in y, DD was born in z, I was born in u etc. A seven year will begin to be receptive to that kind of thing.

Its slightly different but I have a friend who was adopted and then her parents had a baby a year later. I know of this as her mother and my mother were best friends. She is now grown up (in her thorties) I think she knows but it has never ever been mentioned. Her brother is her brother. her parents are her parents.

Do the other children really need to know ? Everyone is happy. Why not just leave things as they are?

any conversation about it would then have to lead to why that person is now non-existent in our lives.

not in any great detail though. Just say sadly he isn't around to be part of DD's life (and never was). As long as DD is happy with it, you don't need to go into details.

My older brother and sister have a different father to me. My Mum's first husband died when she was pregnant with my sister. My brother is 18 months older than my sister, so neither of them knew their father.

I honestly cannot tell you when I became aware of the fact that we have different fathers. My brother and sister are in my parents wedding photos. My Dad adopted them. Although I would have known for years that making a baby required a man and a woman, I was probably about 10 before I really understood what had happened. My brother and sister have their original surname as a middle name and I think it was the fact that I do not have that extra middle name that might have made me, or my brother or sister, raise the subject.

My parents always answered any questions in a factual, casual way. So I never thought it was an amazing revelation.

OP, I suggest you do not worry about it. One day your yonger children will ask why their sister was at your wedding and they weren't. Or they will notice something else that is different. Then you will have your opportunity to explain. I don't think you are keeping a secret from them.

I was going to say what bella said.You were not a huge Fuck up,you were a victim of a horrible bloke,which is completely different. I will mull over the rest of it though,as I am not sure how to help or advise you-other than to persent it in a very low key way,not to give it too much weight as it shouldn't have an impact on you all now.

What does your DD think about her siblings not knowing? She may have ideas of her own about it.

howto - I don't mind you asking! No he doesn't see him, he was in and out of his life and then finally left and never saw him again shortly after his first birthday. I then met now DH at around DS's second birthday so he's his real dad now in almost every way.

DS's biological dad died a couple of years ago which has messed my DS up a bit (not a lot, but there are some issues). I think he's never known how to grieve properly for him as he didn't really know him, and he also has a half brother (his bio dad's other son) who he's desperate to know but who isn't ready to get to know my DS yet.

We do talk about his bio dad but I don't feel that it makes his relationship with DD, his sister, any less iykwim

Running I have wondered if what you say is the best way - ie I imagine as they get older, they will ask why DD was at our wedding and they weren't, for example, and as long as I then answer honestly, then I'm not trying to keep anything from them.

In the mean time, and with them being so young, is it ok to just let things ride until it comes up naturally? The thought of sitting down to have a big talk about it makes me feel sick.

Just to clarify, it's DD, his half sister (although I don't usually describe it that way)

DD and I have talked about it before, not recently though. When her little brother used to like us telling him the story of his birth, she once said to me afterwards 'good job he didn't ask about when I was born, we would have given him nightmares!' (she was laughing).

She has asked me before if and when I'm going to tell them, and I've said that when it comes up I will do. The stumbling block for me has been how would I explain that she had a different father although her dad is now their dad, when they were too young to have any concept of biology.

Thanks Kit. God it's all so complicated isn't it.

I really do think it is best to leave it until the subject arises naturally. If you bring it up out of the blue, it will make it seem like a bigger issue than you want it to be.

I have a vague memory of my mum simply saying that my brother and sister's father had gone before I was born. She did not explain where and I did not ask.

It's very complicated but I think you just need to stress that relationships break up and after your relationship with DD's father broke up, you then met your now DH and because he's been such a good dad he's now become DD's real dad even though he didn't "make her". I've always used that kind of way of looking at it with DS and will relay it this way when explaining to DD.

I really don't think it will be such a big deal for your two other DC. They might be very curious about it all and ask loads of questions, but I don't think it will have a negative impact for them. Your DD being ok about it is the main thing

Maybe you could do a family tree project with them - focussing on grandparents etc but incorporating DD1's Dad. If you made a big collage you could put a big box etc around your family unit to make clear from a family point of view that they now all have the same Dad. I'd keep it low key but I definitely think worth doing something sooner rather than later so that they feel it's something they've always known.

Why on earth would you want to make a fuss about the situation now, for you eldest daughter's sake if nothing else. she seems to have a healthy balanced attitude to the situation.

Your open an honest if any of the children ask questions that's all that's needed. anything else and your turning a non issue into an issue.

I think it should be completely naturally stated sooner rather than later, if you find out in your later angsty teen stage that anything in your family isn't what it seems it feels like the ground is crumbling beneath your feet, younger children just accept it so the sooner it's out the better! It would be a non issue if mentioned casually now, but probably a BIG issue for them if it came out later (simply because they will feel lied to, not because there's anything wrong with it)

"She will be so devastated and feel so stupid when she finds out I fear it will do damage to the family."

That would be a worst case scenario of course, but if she's had a happy secure upbringing, it could make no difference to her whatsoever. My situation is a bit different - I found out in my 30s that my dad isn't my biological dad and me and my brother were both sperm donor babies, from different donors. My parents only told me finally because I had kids and they felt bad when I said my DC had physical similarities to my dad, which of course wasn't possible. So they worried and worried and finally told me, and I said, oh, that's interesting. And got on with my life. because as others have said, my dad is my dad and my brother is my brother and nothing else matters a jot. Plus I think there's a lot to be said for waiting till the kids are grown up with fully-formed identities, rather than them making a big deal of it during stupid teenage rows etc.

So I'm with the people who ask - do they really need to know now? As long as your ex and his family are completely off the scene, i'd say no, they don't.

If your DCs don't understand the biology of making babies yet, then there really is nothing that you've led them to misunderstand, and nothing for them to be told until they know about the role of fathers in making babies. They simply live in the present and know that their dad is DD1's dad too. If DD1 is comfortable about things you may well find she tells them herself at some point.

Personally, wouldn't go making a family tree, as they're not very good at showing step parents. And the events you want them to know aobut (at some point) will all be ancient history to your DCs. When my DS was 3 he asked me whether there were dinasaurs around when I was a child . So let them develop their understanding at their own pace and you can answer questions when they come up.

I think you should bring it up with your DD1 and ask what she would like to do. Does she want you to tell her siblings now or perhaps later on. Does she want to think about it for a while? You could lay out some options for her and tell her you weren't wanting it to become a big secret. She is 12 and from what you've said is a sensible sort of a girl. Then whatever you choose to do she knows it was her decision and she can't use it against you when/if those mental teenage hormones start messing with her emotions.

Reading your post i've realise i'm in a similar situation.

DS2 and DD1 are not Manshapes biological children, however Manshape is the only daddy that DD1 has ever known as my DH died when she was a few weeks old. DS2 remembers his daddy - he was three when DH died - and although we talk about 'daddy P' as DS2 calls him, DD1 doesn't have any knowledge of him - tbh it's not something thats occoured to me. Obviously as she grows up - she's nearly four now - we'll tell her, but it really hadn't occoured to me to.

Hi HTTT
I was friends with a family in exactly the same boat, except their dcs were all nearly grown up when the story came out. Because it had never exactly been 'hidden' everybody just assumed that the youngest dc knew that his older sister had a different dad. But he didn't. One day when youngest ds was about 18 it was casually mentioned at a family barbecue. Result -total family devastation. The youngest ds was bitterly hurt that he had been 'lied to' and betrayed. He stopped speaking to the whole family for quite a long time and was extremely angry that he hadn't been told when everybody else just knew.

Tell NOW, don't make it a big deal and it wont be a big deal. (Your dcs will probably even forget when they first knew and it will become just another part of their lives).

Your dcs are completely old enough to know and understand that every baby is made by a mummy and a daddy (or a woman and a man if that makes it more straightforward). I wouldn't worry too much about trying to explain why, that can come later if needed. What about a simple bed time story/ chat e.g. before I met daddy I knew another man called X, and X and I made a baby who's your sister dd1. Then I met daddy and we made you.

If they want to know more about X and why you split up just say he wasn't very nice and he wasn't a kind daddy. Focus on how you knew their df would be a much better daddy and how much you love him and how he is now all of their df.

Good luck

I don't know if this will help or not OP, but we have a kind of 'reverse' situation.
8 years ago my dad had a sex change. Ds1 was 14, dd was 4. They both (obviously) know.

My brother and I have 8 year old sons too. My son is aware that X used to be a man and is my dad biologically. My brother chose not to tell his ds or younger dd. Now, my nephew is very confused as to what 'happened' to his gdad. He doesn't know who he is/was etc and my brother is struggling to explain.

I don't think this will help tbh but I think you should discuss with your dd first and take it gently. Good luck!

we recently realised that our younger kids didnt remember that they have a estranged grandad, who they are very unlikely to meet soon. we dropped it into conversation 'do you remember grandad ?, no oh well he lives here but we dont really see him, then answered all of the questions, and now mention it from time to time so it's never felt to be a secret or a big deal.

they are fine about it.

also I have a dss and it takes quite a few attempts to explain they have the same dad but different mums so don't exect them to understand immediately.

You could watch something like Kung fu panda 2 with them (about adoption) and discuss different types of families with them maybe? It started a natural discussion in our household and may help the little ones?

I wonder if the wedding photo with your DD in it would be the easiest & least contrived way to point out the difference - if you decide you do want to point it out

Maybe on an anniversary you could talk about your wedding, or put the photo in a new frame or something, at a time when they're around & can be involved - young children often want to know anyway why they're not in wedding photos, IME; as their big sister is in it, if they can be steered towards asking, you can casually explain!

(I must say your DD sounds like a lovely, happy & sensible girl, how - you & your DH have done a fab job )