Just shocked myself as I realised that my younger children have no idea.....

[howtotellthem]

that their big sister has a different biological father. I split with DD1's dad when she was a few months old. He was v abusive to me and her, and was not allowed any contact whatsoever, or any form of PR. DD1 is now 12 and we haven't heard anything from or of him for nearly 12 years. DD1 knows all about it - when she was younger I used to talk about her 'father' to her because obviously she has a right to know. But over the years it's been talked about less and less. I was always very open with her about why there was never any contact, which was hard to do but I felt I had to be completely honest about it, in as gentle way as I could be.

When DD1 was three I remarried to my now DH. We had two more children and DH is now DD1s legal parent as well as her dad 100% in her eyes.

So it may sound strange, but I am shocked because it's something I almost never think about, and is not an issue to me, or to my eldest daughter, so it's suddenly hit me that, as it's something way in the past now, we never talk about it within our family. Therefore, DD1's younger siblings (7 &3) don't know anything about it. Therefore, it also feels to me now that I've been inadvertently keeping something from them - and I don't know how to broach the subject now

I don't want to have a big family secret from my younger children, but I don't have a clue what to say to them. How would they even understand what it means to have a different (biological) dad when they don't understand about sex yet? But if I don't start mentioning it soon, surely it will then turn into a big secret which they could stumble upon one day when theyre older and then feel quite shocked?

It probably sounds horrible too, but I also now feel that we are a happy and 'real' family, and by telling them the technicalities of their elder sister being actually their half sister, I could make it all feel different, for them and for her. I almost feel ashamed of my past now because everything is so different now. It's as if I imagine my younger children see me as this lovely happy mummy who does everything right, and I've now got to tell them that actually I used to be a huge fuck up. Can't believe how hard this realisation has hit me TBH

P.s. IMO waiting till the ask a leading question is still keeping it from them and missleading them, why would they ask? I never asked if my father was my "real dad", so if he wasn't does that mean they never misslead me by never deliberately gently bringing it up? hell no I'ld be furious if I found out this late and was told "yes well we would have told you, but you never asked the right question, so it's your fault really we did nothing wrong!"

Waiting for them to bring the topic up is unfair, IMO the OP should bring it up and be the adult.

A half sister IS a "real" sister

I am in a strangely similar position except that my two older boys have a different father from my youngest. They never see him, DV was an issue and he never really bothered after we split up.

I do talk about him sometimes, but they never bring up the subject. They are happy, well balanced, doing extremely well at school (14 & 10) and in many extra-curricular activities and just don't feel the need for an emotional attachment to their feckless father. This might change, but they have loving, responsible role models in my DH and DF and I really don't think it matters.

How to tell DS3 that he has a different DF, I don't know, he is only 2, but I do think, like others that just casually treating it as a fact that has always been known even if little discussed is the way to go.

but, RRR, how would you gently bring up, to a 3-year-old, out of the blue, the notion of "a different father", the facts of reproduction, & the breakdown of adult relationships?

where would you start?

Agree with Ponders it's really difficult how to broach this.

Most small children find it difficult to understand the difference between a biological and non-biological parent.

As an extreme example I asked my (then) 3yo DD "DD, where is Fido's mummy?" - Fido being the family dog (but who she treats exactly like an older brother).

She answered "you are." as if I was being stupid. So I said, "no, I mean Fido's real mummy."

It took a lot of explaining that Fido's real mummy was in fact a dog. And I promise I don't look that bad that I could be mistaken for a stray mongrel...

OP better to get it over with sooner rather than it building up into a toxic family secret.
Why not mention about when you met dh and that you already had dd1 then of course because her biological father is different. thats all you need to say, say it a few times and elaborate when they ask more.

As for younger ones, just say in an age appropriate way, or get a book- think there's one called 'all families are different' or something (amazon) and talk about it.

FWIW I had to 'pretend' my stepfather was my dad and I found that somewhat damaging - I think it's important to acknowledge the truth - children sometimes have very different feelings about it but don't say anything for fear of upsetting people.

(mean to say I knew he wasn't my dad but had to act as if he was)

You must tell her as soon as possible ....I found at that my dad was not my biological dad at the age of 40 at a family do and it was devastating - I felt lied to and that the whole family had been laughing at me. The truth is always better -
secrets have so much power and if I had known already the the family member that took it upon themselves to tell me wouldn't have upset me at all .

longsigh

do you think you would have understood at eg 3, though?

My sister and brother have a different biological father from me. They are much older (sister nearly 17 years older and brother nearly 14 years). My Mom didn't tell me until I was 10, nearly 11 and it was a very big shock for me. I remember at that age feeling horrible about it and very confused. I think if I was in the same position, I'd tell younger siblings quite early on and make it a very natural thing. The shock factor is not great, I still remember the feeling to this day although of course, it makes no difference to me now, they are my sister and brother and that's that. :)

Just bring it really naturally into the conversation, ending with a nice end where their lovely Daddy came and loved you happily ever after etc etc. There is also a very good reason why fairy stories have endless appeal - they talk symbolically about things in real life. Step parents, the unacceptable split-off side which are turned into wicked witches (the harsh, frightening side of nurturing mother and father).

So, one bed time story, read them all Jack and the Beanstalk. Then talk about DD1 had a Daddy but he was like a big ogre and he shouted and was frightening sometimes so you ran away together and then Daddy came found you and loved you and you were a happy family ever after. Not too dramatic, but they 'get' it and it fits into their world view of heros and villains.

Kids are very accepting. I have a half brother and it was the most normal thing in the world. He had a different Mummy and her name was... and he went away sometimes (school, visitation, uni) and then it was so exciting when he came back!

But don't leave it. You are right about family secrets.

I think your first step needs to be talking about the role of daddys and how some people have daddys who have been there since they were born and sometimes people decide they'll be someone's mummy/ daddy. There are lots of children's books which will help with this, I'd imagine (Like this? ).

Once that's gone in, say one of the loveliest ways in which someone can decide to be someone's daddy is when they all get married. So it's not just a man and a woman getting married, it's a man, a woman and a child all getting married, and all deciding they'll be a family together.

Then take a bit of a pause, in which you refer to the wedding pictures often (who's that? and who's that?) and hope it's all percolating in there.

If they don't make the leap, you can then refer to it again and say - like me, and daddy, and DD1. But at least the ground will have been prepared.

Not quite the same, but dh is adopted. I have a friend who discovered her father was adopted when she was in her 20s and it really rocked her sense of self. Therefore, when the dcs were about 6 and 7, dh and I engineered a conversation we could drop it naturally in.

The dcs were very interested for a week and talked about it a lot. We quickly closed down any suggestion that Granny was in any way not dh's "real mother" as as far as we were concerned she was. It has hardly ever been mentioned since and we are so glad that it is now a natural part of their lives.

I would work out how you can bring it up in a conversation (maybe looking at old photos as others have said), tell dd1 that you are planning to do this and why, so she is in on it and happy about it and then do it asap. If you wait for the perfect "natural" opening, you may find that the dcs have got to 15 before you know it and you still have not said anything.

If you can talk about it sooner rather than later it'll be a one week wonder and then drop into the background of their lives, with no real, lasting effect. This is particularly true as you are a happy, stable family and that will over-ride everything. When the younger 2 see that nothing actually changes, they'll just get on with their normal lives.

Me and my brother have different fathers which mum talked about from an early age. She used to tell us what they looked like in the context of our features, eg Iggly's tall like her father, Iggly's brother is stocky like his dad. Or Iggly's good at x/y/z like her dad. Mum was a single mum though so slightly different.

Anyway, that way we understood that we has different fathers and it has never been an issue.

The only time I felt uncomfortable about it was when someone kept going on about my brother only being my "half" brother, as if that somehow negated our relationship. Me and my brother were very close growing up so the idea that he wasn't "really" my brother upset me. So I'd be careful about introducing (or don't) the idea of half siblings.

I think you should get out the family photos in order 'to put them into photo albums'. Maybe do one of dd1's dad for her, with her baby photos in and one each for your other dcs.

Then you can talk about who everyone is and as many pps have said, it will be a one week wonder.

My dcs love looking at old photos.

I found out when I was 13 that my dad isn't my biological father. I didn't meet him until I was 32. No contact with his family.

But my mum and dad refused to tell my sister. It was this huge secret. I eventually met my biological extended family, and became quite close to them. We ended up in a situation where my sister was coming to live with me for a summer, but I knew my Uncle would be round a lot. I told mum she had to tell my sister what the situation was. In the end I had to give mum an ultimatum to tell her or I would (and i really thought it should come from our parents).
The fall out was dreadful. I already had a damaged relationship with my parents because of how they dealt with this issue with me. Then suddenly my sister had to absorb the knowledge that we had different fathers and she found it very, very difficult to get over the 'lie' that we/she had been fed for 18 years.
It has done irreparable damage to the relationship of our small family unit.

I don't know how you should tell them, but I would urge you to find a gentle way to do it sooner rather than later.

It's great that your DD can talk to you about your dad (I was not allowed to mention mine at all, I didn't even know his name until I was 15) - it is the sort of thing that your children should not be afraid to talk about.

sorry that should be 'talk to you about her dad'