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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you leave for this

99 replies

cathkidstonbag · 20/02/2012 21:47

Ive posted on here a few times before but I keep slogging on in the hope my marriage will get better. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that DH treats me with contempt. Like I'm stupid or unimportant. He's always done it but it's getting so much worse. There was an instant a couple of weeks ago where he ranted and raved how we hadn't had sex for months, I never made the initiative. When he finally let me talk I reminded him we had done it 3 times in 5 weeks (not a lot I know) all of those times I had initiated it and one of which at the time he said was absolutely fantastic. Hurt a lot that he had forgotten and didn't apologise for what he said.

He has been fairly vile to me this weekend, mainly because he had to "look after" our DCs while I was on a training course. I've just realised that while I was out he took the pile of papers I have on top of fridge (dc artwork, school certificates etc) and threw them away because they weren't important. I'm not allowed to have paperwork anywhere in this house. It's sterilely clean, as he wants it. That was my one little area. It was a neat pile above eye level. All their work from the last 6 months that I like to look at sometimes.

I feel like its the final straw but can I go because he threw away the picture my DD did on her first day at school. It's the fact it was unimportant to him. That I'm unimportant.

OP posts:

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 11:27

I can't study and get a job. Not compatible. And how do I sort school holiday child care etc with a job? I'm not making excuses but I have no family back up so would have to pay for a childminder. I'm happy to go back to work though no idea what I would do after being at home so long.

I can see a solicitor but I have no idea how much money we have. The house is in his name as is every savings account. I don't even know how much he earns.

I need to take practical steps. I know that. But I'm so bloody worn out from years of this. From years of being worn away.

Im much stronger than I was a year ago, he hates that which is why he's upping his game. After 6 months with a counsellor I understand him. Which is something at least.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 21/02/2012 11:29

This man has subjected you to many years of emotional and financial abuse.

Please, cath, visit www.womensaid.org.uk find your nearest branch and give them a call this morning.

You can try ringing the freephone 24 hour helpline, but as it's often oversubscribed you may find you get a quicker response from your local offices.

WA will listen to you and they will help you get out from under the control of this appalling bully.

If you can't bring yourself to call WA for yourself, do it for your dc.

foolonthehill · 21/02/2012 11:32

That is indeed something...don't waste it.
Actually you don't have to know this stuff as he will eventually have to disclose...if your solicitor asks.

Keep up with the studying..there is money available not lots but probably you can get to the end.

Taking back the initiative can have a marvellous effect on the energy levels!!

OhdearNigel · 21/02/2012 11:35

OP, he sounds utterly, utterly vile and contemptible.

this is a website that I recommend to my victims of DV that want to get away from their abusive partners, it has lots of useful information and practical suggestions. Their section on legal issues is particularly good here.

Good luck. I suggest you set up your internet settings to clear browser history every time the computer is shut down - then you won't forget and he won't come across what you're planning.

Hardgoing · 21/02/2012 11:37

Cath, don't worry about money, that's what the benefit system is for, helping people out for a short while whilst they get back on their feet. I have friends who have been single mums, they get housing benefit, and enough to live on, not with many luxuries but at least better than living like you are at present.

Get legal advice and claim what you are entitled to claim. Don't feel bad, that's exactly what the system is for.

Charbon · 21/02/2012 11:38

Well, you could look at term-time working (not just available in schools, but by lots of organisations big and small), you could find out what childminders cost if it's just a couple of hours before/after school, you could pay a friend who knows and loves the DC and would be keen on earning a bit more and you could come away from your studies for a while and bank your achievements thus far. Achieving some economic independence would be your best bet and it will also provide the kids with a better role model.

In the event of divorce, your husband will be compelled to disclose his assets. Get a good solicitor, because they know where the bodies are buried and have seen it all before. It doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds, it's a marital asset.

Saying you're worn out is defeatist. I'm sure you think you are but you're not. You can do this if you want to put your children first. But you must start taking some responsibility for this and stop the victim mentality. The real victims here are your children, because you get a choice and they don't.

You don't need to understand him. You just need to leave him.

OhdearNigel · 21/02/2012 11:39

Cath, your solicitor will be totally used to seeing women who have been kept in the dark or misled as to family savings/income/etc. It's classic abuse.

You are the victim of domestic abuse. Abuse is not just physical, it is classified by the Government as emotional, physical, sexual, financial or psychological. There is LOTS of support out there that you can access - your local CAB will be a good starting point.

OhdearNigel · 21/02/2012 11:42

And on the worn out part - please don't end up like one of my recent cases where the lady just left her whole life behind because she was so exhausted by her Hs hideous abuse. She didn't have the fight left in her to get him out of the house, which was rightfully hers. She just gave in because she was too tired to carry on fighting. Her good for nothing wankstain of an abusive tosspot who hadn't even changed his Tshirt in 6 months stayed in the house. I was devastated that she gave up.

Please don't let this be you xx

izzyizin · 21/02/2012 11:49

I feel for you Nigel, and I sincerely hope that your client gets a 'second wind' in the vey near future.

Lueji · 21/02/2012 11:49

Coming late but it seems to me that you have every reason to leave him.

His controlling of finances is classed as domestic violence.
Can you find out anything about bank accounts?

bleedingheart · 21/02/2012 12:09

Please don't assume the children would be devastated. They will pick up on his treatment of you and one pancake breakfast doesn't hide it. They are just grateful that he's doing something kind. I thought you were the poster with the weightloss. You do realise that whatever you do he will never validate you? So sad for you but please get legal advice ASAP

fairimum · 21/02/2012 12:19

make an appointment with Citizens Advice as theys hould be able to tell you waht you would be entitled to even if you didn't get any money from him at all! Knowing you CAN survive with the children on your own will help you be able to make a decision based purely on your relationship, rather than the worry you wouldnt be able to support the children etc xxx

chubbleigh · 21/02/2012 13:32

You have to find the strength from somewhere, you just have to. And I can tell you something I know for a fact, there is no good time to do it, just the day you decide it's going to happen. Get your family to help you if you can't do it all alone. Just tell him you are done and take it a day at a time from there. Probably he will be nice to you for a while until he gets that you really mean it and then he will let rip.
I delayed leaving someone akin to what you describe and it was truly horrendous, he did all he could to bring me down, ranted and raved at me and anyone who would listen, when all that didn't finish he went after my reputation and told lots of lies about 'what I was really like' then he went after my family and said terrible things about them as well. Everything he did reinforced my decision that leaving him was the right thing to do, the only shame was that I didn't do it sooner.
It will be horrible for a long time, years even on and off, but you will be able to shut the door, turn off the phone, live your life according to your own needs and desires and I promise you be A LOT HAPPIER.
And the children? I always was a good mum, but I am even better now because my emotions are genuine and not choked down, forced or intermittent. You have to show your children what real happiness is, that is your duty as a parent, not to live in misery because it is somehow easier.

You will not be sorry if you go.

aliceinboots · 21/02/2012 14:19

I can't believe how many horrible, selfish shits there are out there. No advice OP but I am so sorry.

Please just leave hm.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 19:31

I feel so much better after a little conversation overheard at the tea table between my DC. They were all saying how weird it was that daddy made pancakes when they weren't even that bothered about them. 8 year old pipes up with "he's doing that thing where he is really nice so we think he's better than mummy" it was sad they think like that but I'm not imagining it. That's all I keep thinking is he can't be that bad. But he is.

Time to think and plan now. He came home early tonight. He never does that!!

OP posts:

carlywurly · 21/02/2012 20:05

Children are really perceptive. Yours will be fine. I never realised how on edge I was around XH until he left, and the house is now calm and peaceful. We're all really organised, the dc's have become really independent (in a good way!) and I am currently juggling their care with a full time job, and running the house and coping! It's fine, a hundred times easier without a big, sulky, emotionally abusive sloth to cater for.

Please, please find the strength to stand up to him. He sounds an utter, utter c*nt, and I don't use the word lightly. We will help you as much as we can, I promise there is a better life awaiting you, you just have to reach for it.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 20:06

He came home early to keep his eye on you

Make sure you wipe your internet history

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 21/02/2012 20:18

I really can't add anything to what has already been said, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm another one who thinks he's a nasty bit of shit and you and the kids would be much much better off without him.

You are not quittting - that's just his gaslighting.

HoudiniHissy · 21/02/2012 20:32

Cath, you know the gig is up, the kids know what is going on and have his number.

This coming home early stuff is worrying. You NEED to stay calm, you NEED to cover your tracks, but ultimately you HAVE to make plans to flee.

Get legal advice, get WA support, you know where else you can lean, and lean away as much as you need to.

This is classic stuff, you need to do what everyone in this situation has to do and that is find the truth, and allow the truth to lead you to safety, to freedom, hope and happiness.

You can do this, for the sake of your DC, you really have no other option.

NettleTea · 21/02/2012 20:50

agree with Hissy, no more I can say than that, and adding my support

littleornoclue · 21/02/2012 21:26

Cath, I split from my husband for similar reasons.

Last year when we planned to split in a month's time, he did a similar thing to your husband - played superdad and then told the children that I didn't love him. They were so shocked (as was I) that I pretended everything was fine and he manipulated me back into the relationship. This is emotional abuse, you know it.

This time, I made it clear I was leaving or he would have to. He still did his superdad routine but I had already told the children we were separating because we could not get on together and were fighting, so he couldn't put the blame on me.

Separating is hard, but distance yourself emotionally and you will find it easier to think. My family and friends have surprised me with their support and their belief - but you do need to be honest with them. Start to confide in people NOW and make a plan.

My stbxh is still trying to hassle me, but I can see him for what he is.

Being skint is easier than being controlled.

Some family solicitors will give you 30 minutes advice for free.

Wishing you strength xxxx

littleornoclue · 21/02/2012 21:29

Oh, in case you are worried he will turn into superdad, my stbxh has already tired of it and is now grumpy dad again.

Your kids can see through him already and will eventually understand you separating.

readyveg · 22/02/2012 07:20

Oh Cath,

So pleased you have more strength now and can plan your next move. What a vile man, he is fucked up. It must be so hard to live daily with someone so belittling. Your future can be so much more.

Heyyyho · 24/02/2012 21:25

Just read your op

The spiteful bastard

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