Would you leave for this

[cathkidstonbag]

Ive posted on here a few times before but I keep slogging on in the hope my marriage will get better. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that DH treats me with contempt. Like I'm stupid or unimportant. He's always done it but it's getting so much worse. There was an instant a couple of weeks ago where he ranted and raved how we hadn't had sex for months, I never made the initiative. When he finally let me talk I reminded him we had done it 3 times in 5 weeks (not a lot I know) all of those times I had initiated it and one of which at the time he said was absolutely fantastic. Hurt a lot that he had forgotten and didn't apologise for what he said.

He has been fairly vile to me this weekend, mainly because he had to "look after" our DCs while I was on a training course. I've just realised that while I was out he took the pile of papers I have on top of fridge (dc artwork, school certificates etc) and threw them away because they weren't important. I'm not allowed to have paperwork anywhere in this house. It's sterilely clean, as he wants it. That was my one little area. It was a neat pile above eye level. All their work from the last 6 months that I like to look at sometimes.

I feel like its the final straw but can I go because he threw away the picture my DD did on her first day at school. It's the fact it was unimportant to him. That I'm unimportant.

it's not a man thing

it's a shit person thing

AF I know that. But frankly he scares me. Not physically but emotionally. I went through all this with him last year being close to a split. He told me he would either; disappear from their lives forever and leave me with nothing financially. Plus would make sure they knew it was my fault they wouldn't ever see him again. I actually heard him saying to them one evening how daddy may have to go away because mummy didn't love him anymore and how sad he was. Middle dc had nightmares for weeks over that. Or he would make my life miserable for the rest of my life and didn't care how much he hurt the DC in doing that.

Or he said my third option was to stop being a quitter and make more effort with our marriage. That's what I've been trying to do.

It will be all out war if we split. And I am so scared of him using my DC to hurt me.

No it isn't a man thing, I treasure my kids paintings and souvenirs of their early life every but as much as my wife. I also respect her enough to not want to do anything to hurt her.

Get rid of him, and explain to the children that he is very welcome to see them if he wants to, but you will not live with him any more because he's not very nice to you, and we don't have to spend time with people who are nasty to us.

Just wrote, deleted, refreshed....can't add to the great advice you're being given OP.

Except...

Please don't think you don't deserve better than this - because you do.

Why are you scared of him using your kids to hurt you? He's already doing that now! Get out, get out before they notice how fucked up their father is and how appallingly he treats their mother.

dear god, you are living a prison sentence (and now your posts are starting to sound familiar...)

last year, did you take legal advice about what would happen in the event of a split, instead of simply taking his word for it ?

I am sure if you posted any of this on MN,you would have been told that to stay with a man under this kind of duress is tantamount to emotional abuse, and you can be helped by talking it out with an independent service such as Women's Aid

you are being abused, and threatened

you are not "staying for the children", you are living under an abusive regime

no, it really isn't about the kiddies pics, is it

please call Women's Aid

AF yes indeed I have posted before. Legal advice no. I have quite a few friends who are divorced who told me what I could get etc. but I just can't get my head around splitting without a reason. Because everyone would see it like that.

But I just keep thinking of those little pictures that he took away from me.

so the only people who have given you any advice of how it will work if you split are him (complete bollocks) and some friends who are not in the legal profession. I see.

love, did you think that "abuse" only means punching someone ?

why does it matter what everyone else thinks...they don't have to live with the fucker

Just so you know. My DH used to be a sod, then apologise and I always forgave him. After 31 years I decided I could no longer forgive him. It hurt too much and to be treated with contempt in front of others was the straw that broke the camel's back. I am now separated. Have been since November. Have my own house and feel like I am getting ME back. I did not deserve his contempt and neither do you.

I just can't get this notion that I will be a quitter out of my head.

My family would be ok with it. His family hate me anyhow. My friends would probably throw a party. He has no friends, can't be bothered to make an effort with anyone. He would have nobody and I would feel so guilty about that.

You are obviously a very strong woman -You are NOT a quitter, you are someone who has been pushed too damm far. He is emotionally abusing you. He will make you feel like it is all your fault but it is not. You have put up with this for years. You now know it is not for you or the children. Do not get to the stage where you hate each other and the children can see that. Ask him to leave NOW.

You think that leaving this selfish, abusive, controller will destroy the world of your dc?

Think again, honey. A part of the existence they have always known will change and they may temporarily find this unsettling, but the brave new world that they will move into will be infinitely more fulfilling than growing up watching their mother be demeaned, belittled, and dismissed, by a callous father who has does not have the abiity to love in the generally accepted sense of the word.

And that is to say nothing of the relief they will feel at being out of the godawful unnatural sterile environment that they are currently forced to inhabit.

He'd 'wage war' if you got out from under? I'd be telling him to 'bring it on'. Twunt!!!

Why on earth would you feel guilty about him 'having no-one'?

He's a fully formed adult and, as such, he's made his own choices about how he lives his life and he'll continue to live a miserable existence make them.

Now all you have to do is realise this is your god-given right too, and that you can choose to have a life that's full of family and friends and fun and fulfilment without this fucker in it.

I seem to have gone for broke with the 'f's' but I was on a roll It'll soon be Easter, honey. Get rolling away at the stone that's keeping you entombed.

Some tough love here, I'm afraid.

What's really stopping you from leaving?

All the reasons you've given are easily dissembled, even by you. You'd get support from family and friends, you've got the intelligence to know without even seeking legal advice that his threats are empty and you know that your decision to stay in this marriage and expose them to this bully's behaviour has damaged your children and continues to damage them.

Is it finances? You say you've got a good idea what you'd get, but is it that you'd suffer a drop in material living standards? You mention that he used to buy you 'big presents' but doesn't any longer. Did they matter a great deal to you then? Do you work or is there capacity for you to support yourself if you part?

You say it's because you don't want to be perceived or think of yourself as a quitter. Is that enough of a reason to continue giving your children such a miserable childhood? And a warped model of a relationship?

You've got a responsibility in all this. Mainly to your children but also to yourself. You're the only adult they've got who could be a grown-up and has it in her hands to make their lives better.

Don't put your own inertia and fear before their happiness, a moment longer.

OP Plenty of red flags here!

So far, no-one has suggested that he has another woman but that was why my X was so hateful and hurtful towards me - he also destroyed precious keepsakes (realised, with hindsight, that he was destroying evidence of our relationship when OW was in our home when I was away)!

Hope that I am completely wrong here with my assumptions!

Best wishes! (Oh! Eye-rolling is an extreme sign of contempt from one person to another!)

Good call, trompano.

On reflection, it wouldn't be at all surprising if he's got an ow who's an out and out slattern and lives in a midden but, in any event, the advice will be the same, namely, get shot of the twunt asap, Cath.

I just can't get this notion that I will be a quitter out of my head... He would have nobody and I would feel so guilty about that.

That's how I thought to and why I stayed for 12 years. After all those years of emotional abuse and intimidation, my daughter moved out even though she hasn't reached legal age. She can't stand the way he treats her and the way he treats me and that I let him do so. So she left.

Now I feel guilty for that instead and feel like I quit on my daughter. I would have rather kicked him to the curb years ago and still had my daughter in my house and have her respect.

His actions are his choice. If he chooses to act towards you and your children in such a way he doesn't deserve to be a part of your or your children's lives, it is his choice. Don't worry about who he will and won't have. Look at the positive side, if he has no one, then he can't destroy anyone else's happiness.

Financial is a big reason. I don't work as I'm in the middle of training for a qualification atm. He doesn't want me to work because then he has control over every penny I spend (took me years to work that one out).

Maybe I'm a coward, scared of being on my own. I've been with him for 22 years since I was 16. This is the only adult life I've known.

He cuddled up to me this morning like everything was ok. In his mind it is I guess. He said I was being silly getting upset over nothing.

I wish he did have an OW. Would make life so much simpler.

This man will never ever be a good father. If he doesn't see them after splitting, it is his loss, honestly. It's only a matter of time before the DCs see that too, and as heartbreaking as it is, the sooner that happens, the better. Much better to have no father around than a nasty toxic one who WILL damage them as he is damaging you.

"Send him to a sterile environment
I can think of a perfect one"

Is his own arse sterile then?

I hear you on that. I feel the same way. I'm 38 and have been married to H for 12 years so have been on my own some of the time before that. And I still feel apprehension at being on my own. I don't know why but I think it is normal. I make the money in the house, he doesn't work. I pay the bills so I know our financial situation. My daughter left so I don't have to worry about the impact on her in the house. I guess I worry because of the unknown. Because of just being alone with no other adult to talk to when I'm home and all my friends are busy with their own lives.

But, I know it has to be better than any emotional rollercoaster ride, eggshell walks, controlling atmosphere, etc... I know I won't have to worry about what mood he gets up in. I won't have to worry about his reaction to any drama or surprises that may come up. I will know where my things are and quite frankly he will be one less thing to clean up after. And, I will be able to plan my life along my values/dreams and not be weighed down by his lack of morals and constant manipulation.

I know it feels scary now but thinking about having control of your own destiny is very freeing as well. It will show you just how strong and capable you really are.

I don't know how financial works there since I am in another country. We don't have benefits here like you do. (almost said y'all - I'm from Texas - howdy, lol).

I do have to say though, and I don't know where to post this on this site, but I read about so many people who want to go out in the evening but can't get childminders. Have you/anyone thought of becoming a childminder in the evening - one or two kids at a time - for extra income? I would think it would be a high demand for those who do this. Again, not in the country so don't know the rules.

What Charbon wrote.

Your marriage is dead in the water and has been for quite some time. Nice of him too NOT to say to you, "to stop being a quitter and make more effort with our marriage". And what has he actually done to improve things - nothing actually because he does not want to and he actively enjoys seeing you feel like shite. He does not give a toss about you or his children; infact he is using them to get back at you. He is an abusive tool and all that he has said to you are all words that such abusive men use to keep their victims (I use the plural because I am including your children as well) compliant and weak.

This is all about power and control. This is what abuse is all about.

You are no quitter but you may as well just give up right now if you choose to stay with this abusive man of yours. You are not there to be his sacrificial lamb to the slaughter and nor are your children. BTW if you were to choose to stay with this man they will perhaps wonder why on earth you put him before them, they won't thank you for staying with such an individual whom they saw beat their mother down emotionally to nothing.

You have a choice re him; your children do not. They see and hear all of this private war even if they are not in the same room as yourselves and you cannot fully protect them from him. They will notice too also that their things have been thrown out.

Stop taking so called legal advice from him and your friends and seek proper advice from a Solicitor. Many give a free 30 minute consultation as well.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; they are learning damaging lessons from the two of you; lessons that they will pass onto their own kids if you do not act and decisively. This is no legacy to leave these young people honestly.

It is telling as well you met him when you were 16; someone who was then naive and with no life experience behind her. I daresay as well you were acitvely targetted by this twunt.

Will this qualification actually translate into being able to get a job? By that I mean are there currently adverts for the role post-qualification? I mention that because women in abusive relationships often undertake pointless courses just to get out of the house.

If you haven't contacted a solicitor and have only a vague idea of what you're entitled to, is this a serious thread about getting out of your relationship or a huffing and puffing one, when you've got no real intention of bettering the lives of your children?

You do need to be clear with yourself about whether you just want a moan or whether you actually intend to do something about it.

Everybody's saying what I would have. I just wanted to add my permission for you to choose life without a vicious bully!

Also - this would have been my final straw: him saying to them one evening how daddy may have to go away because mummy didn't love him anymore and how sad he was. Middle dc had nightmares for weeks.

You can't possibly think this sort of approach is good for your DC.