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Original poster

Would you leave for this

99 replies

cathkidstonbag · 20/02/2012 21:47

Ive posted on here a few times before but I keep slogging on in the hope my marriage will get better. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that DH treats me with contempt. Like I'm stupid or unimportant. He's always done it but it's getting so much worse. There was an instant a couple of weeks ago where he ranted and raved how we hadn't had sex for months, I never made the initiative. When he finally let me talk I reminded him we had done it 3 times in 5 weeks (not a lot I know) all of those times I had initiated it and one of which at the time he said was absolutely fantastic. Hurt a lot that he had forgotten and didn't apologise for what he said.

He has been fairly vile to me this weekend, mainly because he had to "look after" our DCs while I was on a training course. I've just realised that while I was out he took the pile of papers I have on top of fridge (dc artwork, school certificates etc) and threw them away because they weren't important. I'm not allowed to have paperwork anywhere in this house. It's sterilely clean, as he wants it. That was my one little area. It was a neat pile above eye level. All their work from the last 6 months that I like to look at sometimes.

I feel like its the final straw but can I go because he threw away the picture my DD did on her first day at school. It's the fact it was unimportant to him. That I'm unimportant.

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 21/02/2012 08:18

How do the Dc's like living in a "sterile enviroment"?
Hardly a warm and loving home is it at the moment. You are getting blamed for your DH's discontent (the convo about sex) are you getting blamed because a) you are the nearest adult he can take his frustrations out on b) he just doesn't like you or c) he has an OW and is just re-writing history.

Any of these reasons is reason enough to make you take the final step away from unhappiness and the step forward into a better future.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2012 08:32

how are you feeling this morning, cath ?

will you disappear now (unil the next time) because you've got it off your chest (temporarily) and of course, he has now switched to "nice guy" because he sees he has pushed you a teensy bit too far

never mind though, there is always the next nasty stunt for him to look forward to

Charbon · 21/02/2012 08:36

Wishing there was an affair is again a failure to take responsibility for your own decisions. If you'd only leave him because he was unfaithful to you, what message would that communicate to your children? That you'll tolerate them living in an abusive home, but as soon as he committed a personal offence against your ego, you left?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 08:44

This morning he played nice cop with the DCs again. I was exhausted when I woke up and instead of leaving the house at 6 as usual he stayed home to make the DCs pancakes for breakfast "because mummy is too tired and won't make you any". But it's point scoring I know that. So now they are raving on about how nice daddy is. The same daddy who doesnt even pay attention to them most of the time.

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 08:48

You let everyone make the decisions for you, don't you - AH (Arse Husband) and DC. The kids think he's nice because he made pancakes. The kids probably don't know what a genuine nice daddy feels like.

Take them round for more at-homes with families that actually function. While you're there, pay attention.

You can give them that more easily by yourself than with control-freak AH, can't you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2012 08:52

You seem to recognise the dynamics so what are you going to do?. Decisive action on your part is called for. You will fail your own self and your children if he is not ultimately gone from your day to day lives. Such men as well do not change.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time?.

One day of him making pancakes is far too little and far too late as far as the children are concerned. There are far bigger issues going on here and abusers like your bloke do nice/nasty very well. Its a continuous cycle and he will blow up again soon enough. He is not above using them to get back at you - what a tool he is. Look again at what he has said to your children; that was a cheap and nasty shot designed once again to hurt you. He knows all too well how to get back at you.

Doing nothing and carrying on regardless is clearly not an option.

treadwarily · 21/02/2012 08:57

Lots of good advice in here.

Just to echo some others, you won't be destroying your dc's world by splitting with their dad, you will be opening up their world to a better life. For starters they'll have some school certificates and drawings to look back on! And you know that is a drop in the ocean of possibilities.

He sounds really mean and you sound really sad.

You can leave, you can find a way and you will manage it. Start by banishing thoughts about what others may or may not think and spending your energy on practicalities like legal advice and finances.

Imagine if you only had one more year to live, would you really want to spend it with him? Or would you want to take the opportunity to enjoy your life?

SunRaysthruClouds · 21/02/2012 09:43

If you don't go straight away I suggest you take notes of his behaviour - like the 'good cop' stuff this morning and the unforgivable comments to the kids about leaving. It's not going to get better.

blueballoon79 · 21/02/2012 09:52

I had to post on here because I've recently left a partner who sounds very similar to yours, the big difference being my DC aren't his, so I can understand why your situation is harder.

My recently ex partner would often use little put downs about me being too tired to cook and his cooking being better anyway. He told me I wasn't cut out to be a mother and that DS 11 is badly behaved.

Then when he was in a better mood, he'd deny saying all this and say I was twisting things and that I should know he thought I was a good mother etc.

I often felt like I was walking on eggshells and didn't want to confront his behaviour as I'd be scared of him getting into a rage and just wanted to keep the peace.

He told me recently that he doesn't believe we are in a serious relationship and that he's going travelling in June with the hope of never coming back.

I was and still am in love with him despite everything but have ended our relationship because ultimately there's no point in being with somebody who doesn't respect you and treat youthe way you deserve to be treated.

I won't deny that I'm finding it hard and at times lonely, but I feel stronger and am glad that I refused to put up with his treatment of me. I deserve better and would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

readyveg · 21/02/2012 10:27

He is horrid. I would leave him for that.

His good dad mode is only aimed at undermining you. In our house they would all make a tired mum a surprise pancake breakfast. You and the children hold out for his good moments and over rate them, they need to change or this becomes their relationship template too.

Hope you find a way to be happy and in control. Would I go, absolutely.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 10:33

Of course I didn't get pancakes made for ME. Or a cup of coffee even. I get a cup of tea on a weekend if I've either provided sex or he thinks I might.

Besides he has major issues about my weight. After years of telling me I was fat I lost weight, a lot of it. Now I'm too skinny (like shagging a skeleton apparently). So he is always trying to force food down me and telling the DC how mummy doesn't eat, isn't she silly. So I avoid meals when he is there. How f*cked up is that?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 10:36

I don't need to make notes. I remember it all. He says that's my problem I only focus on the little things he does wrong. Not all the good things he does around the house etc.

And yes I could make money from the course I'm on. Will take a while and wont be big money. Although he has made it perfectly clear I owe him the cost of the course first. That will take me about a year to pay back I think.

OP posts:
garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 10:41

It won't because you won't pay him back. Of all the ridiculous ideas. Family money is family money, not his Angry

You need that throat-ripping solicitor! Might open your eyes a bit Grin

tallwivglasses · 21/02/2012 10:43

Fwiw, I HATE this man Angry

MaryZ · 21/02/2012 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill · 21/02/2012 11:02

cath...you just need to go don't you??

He is a rubbish Dad because he is teaching his children to show no respect for others and to provide only what they feel like, for their own satisfaction, nothing loving or giving in that.

Eventually they will see through him, but staying with him will normalise the behaviour and make their lives much much worse in the long run. Could you bear one of your DCs to be treated like this in their own relationships? chances are they will be, or will treat others with this contempt. Unhappiness all round for another generation.

AND you deserve better, I couldn't leave for myself, did it for the DCs...but actually YOU DESERVE to have a life.

I thought I would be destitute, I am poor, we are poor, but actually I can afford treats and even the odd holiday...because i am in charge, not him. DCs are happier, we manage quite well...

Please please take the step now

(And I won't tell you the words that came into my head abut repaying the course cost!!!!!!!!!!!)

Get thee to a solicitor www.resolution.org.uk/ here, many will give you a first consultation free.

foolonthehill · 21/02/2012 11:04

PS slogging on does not work, time just passes and you get more and more downtrodden and tired and less and less able to do anything about it.

He binned your precious DCs worksAngry then pretended to be "hero dad" Angry

GingaNinja · 21/02/2012 11:06

I'm sorry Cath - another ditto comment to add about getting out. If only because it'll give your DD (and other DCs) the wrong idea about what sort of fucked up relationship is acceptable - think of her/their emotional future being binned (and not just her picture from her first day at school). If Daddy treats Mummy like that, how will they know to value themselves in their own relationships?

Go talk to a solicitor; and plan plan plan your spouse's extraction, bad tooth style. Good luck with digging the cesspit to throw the fucker in to.

auburnlizzy78 · 21/02/2012 11:09

He sounds worse and worse with every post you write. You poor lady.

What if it was a friend telling you her DH was like this? What advice would you give her?

MaryZ · 21/02/2012 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 21/02/2012 11:13

I don't know anymore :( And I know that sounds pathetic. I nearly left last night. He went up to bed like nothing was wrong and I stayed up till 1 trying to decide what to do.

I know he won't leave. Have asked him before. He said its his house so I should take the kids and go if I'm the one who is unhappy. That he is perfectly happy with his life.

OP posts:
MaryZ · 21/02/2012 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill · 21/02/2012 11:18

I think you do know....

it's the leap of faith that is tricky now

plan then jump

we're here for you

the more times you look over the edge and then step back the harder it is to jump

Charbon · 21/02/2012 11:20

Okay so what are you going to do about it?

Are you prepared to get a job alongside your course, so that you can make money now? Or approach the course provider to bank your grades if you're unable to fit in work and study right now?

See a solicitor? Work out what finances will be available and cut your cloth accordingly?

Put the house up for sale and ask him to move out/you move out with a legal charge on the house to protect your interests?

Serve divorce papers?

Or do nothing and fail your children?

foolonthehill · 21/02/2012 11:22

Small steps..then the leap
Put important docs away in a safe place (?a friends)
Buy a few supermarket vouchers every time you grocery shop and keep them safe
Contact a solicitor
Open a bank account (even with £1) ask for a "basic bank account" which needs no credit check.

lots of people here, ready to help/hold/encourage......