attracted to my dentist, what do I do? try not to laugh..!

[hisgentletouch]

I just realised that I really like and fancy my dentist of many, many years. I don't see him often, once a year usually. In Last two weeks I saw him twice for check-up and then some work. I'm a nervous wreck with dental stuff, and I was just struck how gentle and nice he was. I started thnking that I'd like his touch generally . I think there is a bit of attraction from him, he looked at my body couple of times but also we make each other laugh. He used to be married and he generally never seriously registered on my radar as I was in other relationships, even though there was always a bit of rapoprt and I liked him, he's youngish, 40s, and used to look nice but this year he looks very rundown and thin, which is not putting me off, the opposite! He's also a small guy and I usually go for tall (I'm tall). I find myself thinking about him a lot, as so many men I've been with in the past lacked this sensitivity. Suddenly it's not about looks or social confidence, I just like his personal qualities and that makes me attracted rather than obvious outward sexiness!
How do I approach it? I don't have his email address and it's not on their site. He's very busy and a partner in practice. I want to find out whether he's separated or divorced. There are no photos of the wife anymore, but I need to know for sure. I don't know either whether he'd be interested but would want to take a chance.
Has anyone got examples of this working for you, or for a friend?

[Ettiketti]

Go for it! Unless he's called Nigel. Then run a mile!

[hisgentletouch]

Etti

[UnhappyLizzie]

You need to keep it separate OP. You want to be part of his life outside work, so you have to find out about it if you can. Stalkerish? Yes, maybe. But I wouldn't be here if my granddad hadn't 'stalked' my granny. She worked in a tobacconist in the 1930s and he went in there all the time to buy cigarettes when he didn't even smoke. On her day off he chatted up her workmates to find out where she lived and spent her time. Eventually he asked her out. It's not that abnormal is it? If your mate's husband had a friend you fancied, you would try and find out if he was married, wouldn't you?

You could write him a note I suppose. But again, you need to keep it separate. Mark it 'personal', make it clear you are moving away and accept that if you became friends he might not be able to be your dentist any more. You say you would like to 'have your cake and eat it' but that would be his decision, not yours. It is his responsibility to maintain the boundaries.

Failing that, you could invent some pretext for an appointment (sensitive teeth?) ask to speak to him privately and just go for it. But again, you would need to keep it separate. Make clear that you have resorted to this only because you are moving away don't expect to see him again as a patient for a while etc.

It's not easy but my feeling is that this only has legs if you separate it from your professional relationship with him. You are agonising about all this, but I think medical professionals have patients hit on them quite a lot, so it's maybe not such a big deal for them and they are used to getting on with their job after this has happened.

FWIW I think what you have said about 'my' doctor is all probably about right, particularly about him being weak. I no longer regret losing this 'prize', just regret the whole situation really and the effects it had, though I wouldn't be doing my training if it hadn't - it kind of inspired me - so swings and roundabouts. However, one thing that was obvious throughout was that he never alluded to the fact that he was my daughter's doctor when I saw him outside work (or asked after her, or anything). After he and I became 'friends' I didn't really see him at the surgery any more. But if I had taken my daughter to him he would have been in work mode, as if he'd never seen me in any other context. He is not an example of how to get these things right, but it shows that the safest thing is to keep work world/social world separate, not like some Venn diagram.

[redrubyshoes]

Good luck gentle I hope it works out for you.

[hisgentletouch]

Lizzie, so any suggestions how to get info on his interests (finding where he lives is going a bit too far IMO but I wouldn't know how do that either). This is not a gossipy practice, they are busy and reception is never manned by one person who would just tell me stuff, there are usually two very young non gossipy girls there, plus usually patients, it's central london. If I were to make a pretend appointment as you suggest, how to be sure the nurse isn't there? Of course he will have the boundaries, I know that, I was saying I'd prefer to have mu cake and eat it, not that this is the only way!

[hisgentletouch]

red, thank you.
So far it's a question whether he'll acknowledge my thanks note in some way, but I wonder whether dentists ever acknowledge those? I wish toothgenie was back with more info, and also how did she handle the date invitation.

[toothgenie]

I'm a Hygienist not a Dentist, but the rules are the same. The It was a lovely letter, from a regular patient. I made a record of it and told the dentist that had referred him to me. In his letter he said he was sensitive to the fact that it may not be appropriate, so when I declined (via his voice mail) he accepted. He also offered to see one of my colleagues. I think he's a decent man, but it's quite hard to know his real personality although I have been treating him for many years. Its not a social meeting after all. My job is not just to take care of a patients oral health but to make the patient feel less anxious this sometimes is mistaken for something else.
Re replying to Thank you cards, I wouldn't think that would happen. Maybe just a mention at your next appointment. Sorry if it seems a bit negative.

[hisgentletouch]

toothgenie - oh, thanks for coming back! I hope the dentist you told about the invite didn't laugh or haven't been sarcastic. Hope there is some sensitivity towards the patients who put themselves on the line like that! (rather than sneers!)
It was nice of you to leave him a voicemail, did you feel like you couldn't ignore it? Yes as to thank you, people generally don't reply usually I think, but I though if it was unusual for him to receive, he might. Not by calling me, I'm sure, but maybe from the company e-mail or smth, just to be polite.

[hisgentletouch]

Out of interest, is you persona as a hygienist different from your real life's? especially as far as being caring/gentle goes? I find it hard to believe people can act that much. There are actually many dentists and hygienists who aer not that gentle or kind, even if good at their jobs.

[hisgentletouch]

oh, another question (sorry for pestering) - if you did fancy a regular patient and were single, would you accept an date then? (while stopping to treat him)

[toothgenie]

There was nothing funny about the invite it was sincere we wouldn't laugh like that would be a little immature.
re my persona, I'm a lovely person all the time ;)
I've never been in a situation where I felt like that sort of attraction with a patient.
Not sure I can be of any real assistance. I'm thinking of starting my own thread warning about the dangers of dating colleagues (yes a dentist). I've had enough of his obsession with golf :)

[kerstina]

Have been following this thread with interest I read too much mills and boon in my youth and am hoping he will get in touch with you.
I used to be a dental nurse years ago I had a crush on a lovely dentist who was small and I think now works in London. Does his surname start with a C just want to rule it out !

[hisgentletouch]

toothg, thanks, I'm not after 'assistence' as such, wanted an insight on dental profs and also how they see patients. In which you did help!
It's just that many here said 'oh, you just like his persona as dentist, it's not real him', so you do prove a point that it's hard to act completely different from your normal self. What I like so far about him is his humour and sensitivity, so safe to assume he's not a rough grim type really! Anything else I'd find out if we ever got a chance of dating.
I'd be mortified if I did ever decide to say/write something directly to him and then be laughed at by others or the nurses (again as some said might be) so it's reassuring that you sympathise with the plight of us patients!
He may well not reply to thank you, and he also may well be married which is the main issue.(sigh)

[hisgentletouch]

kerstina, was he married? otherwise you were in a better position than a patient by all accounts! No, not C .
He's not tiny, maybe 5'5''. I regretted many times that I was tall as there were a number of shorter guys I liked, but it's awkward socially (forget heels too!) and they don't feel confident. At least I'm not a six footer though..Shorter women have all the choices!

[hisgentletouch]

Mind you Sophie Dahl and Jamie a good example to follow, BIG differnce in height, very happy. In his case I can overlook it (unintended pun ).

[ameliagrey]

OP- it's a classic crush that you think this man who is doing his job is really so kind and perfect

[ameliagrey]

Have you checked him out on www.192.com?

It's not always up to date but it does show who lives at which address so if he has a DP her name would be there too. all you need is his name and town.

On the other hand, maybe you should make it clear that you are available- and leave the ball in his court? I am sure that most men pick p the signals- then it;;s up to them.

[kerstina]

Hisgentletouch no he wasnt married and he did actually like me initially too as someone else asked me out on his behalf but I was really shy and working at a dental hospital and at times had to work with him so I never had the courage to accept the date as because I had a crush on him he made me too nervous !
Its funny how long those crush feelings can last though and I regretted it for years after so that is why I would say be brave and go for it

[TheTruthNothingButTheTruth]

Dentists are the one of the biggest suicidal profressionals. They tend to binge drink way too often. They are extremely stressed all the time. They have more affairs than anybody else. I know all these since my ExH was a dentist.

[hisgentletouch]

TheTruth !I thought all this really applied to hodspital surgeons, more stressful than dentists! it's not life and death with dentists, plus there is much less possibility of something unexpected with teeth once they've done it all, with surgeons always a risk of something unknown/unusual, very stressful. Amazed about suicides - though drinking I assume is common, same as in many professions (talk about lawyers as well!)
kerstina, I do think it was your loss - he asked you out?? you should've been over the moon. In my case he hasn't asked me out so if I ever decide to ask him, I'd need 10 times more courage, than if he did. It's a shame you've lost your (possibly) mr.right as you still remember him.
amelia, I don't think he's perfect at all (he's short, for one ), I know two aspects of him , shared sense of humour and the touch, and that's what attracted me, he also has a nice face. But I never think anyone's perfect. I thought of 192, but I don't know whether he lives in london or outside, and when looking at london there are SO many people with same surname, though after a look at first page no one with his initial, so he may be out of london even. I think I'm not going to do anything else. Thank you note is not much, but as i never sent one in 10 yrs he might see it as some interest, plus I'm sure he noticed some chemistry with us especially last time, so I agree that it's up to him. Especially after reading here about those rules, still reeling about it (reports about every word a patient said privately!).
There is IMO not much logic in it, I'm afraid. Dentist's job is to treat teeth successfully - so when they make mistakes with treatments that's accepted (I don't mean anything too disastrous) and they apologise etc. and it's fine, but when they want to date a patient, even just go for a coffee - with NO reflection on quality of his work - then it's a crime. fgs. Anyway, as I say, I have to live with the rules and would trasfer to another one if anything happpened, but I think the main problem is that he's not single. So if he doesn't get in touch, I don't think I'll be doing anything. I mean all I could do is 'bump' into him by passing surgery at lunch or after the end of day, as I live not far and can look a coincidence, but I'm not keen on it, a bit stalkerish.

[BalloonSlayer]

Dentists are the one of the biggest suicidal profressionals. They tend to binge drink way too often. They are extremely stressed all the time. They have more affairs than anybody else. I know all these since my ExH was a dentist.

Thetruth I have heard this loads of times, and of course believe it, but I always wonder - what IS so stressful about being a dentist?

I suppose it's a bit of a lonely job, people don't like you, and you are running you own business so that is quite a strain, but you could say that about a lot of jobs?

Doctors - I can understand it more. But a dentist doesn't have a lot of life-and-death stuff to cope with.

[tb]

Have you thought of googling his name - assuming that you know his Christian name, or what about friends reunited?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Hey gentle, I really get the sense that you are building this crush up to huge proportions; giving a lot of importance in your life to the very slim promise of what might be.

If you can, I would recommend you really tone down the way you're throwing all your thoughts and emotions into this very hypothetical potential relationship. Because if it goes nowhere, as there is a very strong chance it won't, you will be falling from a very great height and be very hurt.

And if it does go somewhere, it might as well build up slow.

[hisgentletouch]

Hot - I really can't see why you think this, haven'y I just said in my last post that I wasn't going to do anything else now. Other posters suggest looking him up and finding out about where he lives and his social life, and I keep saying that I'm not sure about that. I'm discussing this on a htread so obv it comes across as that's all I think about - but it's not of course, I havce other things going on at the moment. I said numerous times that he may not be responding and maybe not single.
tb - I googled his name when i was looking for his work email (though I'd email a thank you), but he has a common name and anything that came up was other people - I haven't seriously looked though. He's probably too busy for hanging around on these social sites, but if it came up immediately, I'd have had a look, but it didn't. The thing is what wd I do with that info. I don't believe in chasing men anymore, I can do a little first step (or even one big step) but I don't want to go to great lengths, it doesn't work in my experience.

[hisgentletouch]

*thought I'df email