my sister and dh dont get on

[mebythesea]

I am just feeling really pulled between my loyalty to my dh and my dsis.

Basically my sister is a fabulous creative funny intelegent person, but she is totally self absorbed, everything is her way or a tantrum ensues, can never see why people might not want to do what she wants etc. she lives a rather chaotic life with her dh and dc's. They are 'trustafarians' who have both inherited money and so have just enough to live on without really ever having to work, but dont have enough to do things with ease, ie their car is a rust heap, probably not insured etc, they live in a wooden cabin in a field, when not travelling, they are very slap dash with money. especially other peoples. they have no concept of having to work hard for what you have, and dont understand that when they break other peoples things or use up all their food or something, why the people are upset, or want it replaced... they just seem to think everyone lives like them, without a real care in the world....

so me and dh obviously dont live like that, we work, save, scrimp, and are able to do the things we want to do. We dont live a totally conventional life, but we are more 'in the real world' as it were.

me and dh and our 3dc's went on our yearly forign holidayfor two weeks where we rented a big house.and dsis decided to come and visit us with her dh and dc's for the second week. we had a lovely calm first week and then dsis arrived and it all went totaly chaotic. they brough no food or drink or anything to contribute, i was expected just to provide for them all. They lost their phones, then chargers, we had to ferry them about as their car had broken down, dsis then lost bil's wallet containing all their money, cards, driving licenses, "oh well" she says " you and dh are here , you can pay for everything till we get back to the uk in a months time - you dont mind do you?" she then proceeded to go out to restarants and shopping expecting us to pick up the tab. the house turned into a pig sty, her dcs throwing food around, piles of washing everywhere, her kids drew all over one wall, my nephew is a law unto himself, pinched, punched kicked me, dh and our dc's continuiously. only after my dh got angry about it happening for the 10th time did bil step in and tell nephew off...my niece screeched constantly for attention, pushes my ds over, takes his toys, crys if anyone trys to reason with her....

so my dh is sick of my sis and her chaos and her sponging and her kids who are wild and loud and unpredictable and often violent. he is always on edge when they are arround, and so am i to some extent, but more used to it so more accepting i suppose....

i just feel really pulled in two directions, loyalty to my dh, and to my sis. they are both what some would call hyper sensitive, they art both quite prickely people, cant take criticism, feel wronged and misunderstood... so i always feel totally stuck in the middle.

i dont know what im asking really, i just feel so disloyal even writing this.
How to i stand up for myself and my family without having a huge blowout with my sis who i love despite all her chaos.

Sorry OP perhaps I missed it but I didnt see in any of the above the fabulous creative funny intelegent person. What you describe of your sister is a spoilt, selfish monster. Your primary loyalty is to your husband.

You dont need to have a fight with your sister just change your phone numbers and cut her level of participation in your life right down. If you dont she will drag you down into her hideous mess of a life.

It was awful of your sister to expect you to pay for her and her family. What would she have done if you'd said no? I think you need to stand up for yourself. It sounds like your family have always allowed her to get her own way so that is what she expects. Did you both receive a trust fund or just her?

Loving someone, and letting them do anything they want, are two different things you know. No doubt you love your DCs but you don't let them run riot... do you? Your sister sounds like someone who never grew up and therefore is best treated as a loveable but mischievous toddler. Sometimes, tantrums notwithstanding, you can't let it have its own way and the same goes for adults who don't understand boundaries.

"You can pay for everything..." Why wasn't the answer "Actually, no, we can't"? Perhaps you're just not as mean as me but I would be fecked if I'd let someone, even one of my own precious DCs, please themselves at my expense for a month. No wonder your DH is on edge. He must wonder what your sister will get into next that the two of you will have to pull her out of.

Your sister sounds like an absolute care-for-nobody-except-herself brat, tbh.

I don't see any need for you to be pulled in any direction - your loyalty should be to the people who actually care about you - that would be your DH and DC. Your sister doesn't give a real rat's arse about you, except in how it affects her.

No choice, IMO. DH wins every time - he had every right to be utterly fucked off with having to put up with her spoilt selfish brattishness on that holiday! And I wouldn't blame him in the slightest if he refused to ever countenance another such situation arising.

Step back, read the OP as though someone else had written it and see for yourself how appalling your sister's behaviour is.

God, just read the bit about your sister's kids being "wild, loud, unpredictable and sometimes violent" - no wonder your DH is on edge! I should think your own DC are about hiding under the table to stay away from their cousins, either that or going feral to join in.

"on edge" is amazingly tolerant of your DH, tbh. He has been very forbearing so far. Why are you putting him through this? And your DC? and come to that, yourself, except I know why you are doing it - through some misplaced feeling that blood is thicker than water, she's your sister, you should stand by her, she's not that bad really once you get used to her, blah blah blah.

Wake up.

Your sist sounds like a selfish, immature nightmare. Your loyalty is to your DH not your DSis and it sounds like his annoyance (and to be fair is it really just his, you sound pretty cheesed off too) is completely reasonable. It sounds like you allow your sister to railroad into your lives and crap all over your special time with your DH and DCs. You need to take a stand, feel free to have a relationship with your sister, but don't do it at the expense of your family life.

Are you the mother from outnumbered? Her sister is a spoilt hippy bitch

So your H (and you) slogs his guts out working and saving for a probably much needed holiday.

Along comes someone else who expects him to pay for everything from those hard saved wages and doesn't even have the decency to stop her children from throwing food around, drawing all over one wall, pinching, punching kicking me, dh and our dc's continuiously, screeching constantly for attention, pushing my ds over, takes his toys and crying if anyone trys to reason with her.

Can't even tidy up and also expects ferrying around whenever she likes with no care or concern for those paying out.

Your H is totally right. You need to back him without question on this one without trying to maintain the peace with your downright selfish, greedy and entitled fabulous creative funny intelegent sister.

I totally agree with everyone else.

Your loyalty is to your HUSBAND - the one you CHOSE as a life partner.

Your sister sounds an absolute spoilt nightmare. I don't care how "fabulous" you think she is; you're biased. I daresay everyone else sees her for what she is, and you're incredibly lucky that your husband is so tolerant.

Try to imagine that she's HIS sister, not yours. Would you be so tolerant of her then? I highly doubt it.

Your poor husband.

Basically your sister is a piss taker and you need to stand up for what is right she walks all over you and in your situation your DH should be stood next to and applauded for taking a stand.

Your sister sounds like a right user. I fail to see where the dilemma is, tbh. Your husband is in the right here. 100%.

Who agreed for them to come on holiday with you? Couldn't you have predicted some of that?

Look you don't need a big drama, no pulling in different directions, just reduce how much you participate in each orhers' lives, and never holiday together again!

I have a friend very like this, and sadly I think the only solution is to maintain some boundaries and distance. So instead of staying with you (if that ever happens) you ask them to book a B&B. You arrange to meet them out - at the park or something - rather than at your house. Is it possible to arrange to spend time with your sister, just the two of you?

It's harder for you than for me, as my difficulty is not with a family member. But I have found that I get a lot less wound up when it's not all happening in my house. I think your home should be a place of comfort where you feel relaxed, and if people can't respect that then perhaps it might help to find ways to stop them being there.

I think it's commendable that you accept your sister, worts and all. That's great imo. she may be creative etc but she's a PITA when it really comes down to it.

Boundaries, my dear. I like to think of boundaries as physical fences around your 'house'. You can choose what 'your house' means in any given situation. re you wouldn't let a dog shit in your garden, you have a fence and a gate to keep said dog out. Same goes with people who don't respect your property or boundaries: they're not allowed in.

Your DH doesn't have the same take as you about your sister - which is fine imo, she's hard work. Set your boundaries to protect him (he is your priority over her) and your family (ditto). So, she's good fun but she takes the piss - set boundaries that exclude her from situations that give her the opportunity to take the piss. Her kids are wild, unruly, violent: set boundaries where they are not exposed to your kids. She takes and uses your money and hospitality: set boundaries to exclude her from any opportunities to do this.

You don't have to be heavy (she clearly doesn't see that there's anything wrong with her lifestyle), just quietly firm: she doesn't come on holiday with you, for a start - you don't have to spell it out ("You can't come on holiday with us because you are a nightmare"): just say no you won't be doing that (practise in the mirror ). YOu are not disloyal for having to set boundaries around someone like this, you are just protecting your own, protecting your property, whether physical or emotional (or practical re finances).

has she paid you back yet??

It's warts isn't it? spelling fail.

Look I had much the same situation with a member of my family. When I stood upto them it caused a massive family rift. The person and their partner and parents were massively entitled and had zero respect for others, their rights or possessions. Equally they looked down on our lifestyle. They spent a good 2 days texting, emailing, calling me (at work) to make me see how bad a person i was and how i had no right to call them on the straw that broke the camels back. the last time out paths crossed I ended up leaving the gathering because I refuse to be around people projecting their failings and issues onto me. I feel like a weight has been lifted now I have minimal contact with them and whilst it was hard at first in the long run it is the best thing for my family.

I think this is what you need to do too, your first priority is your family.

Your loyalty should be to your Dh and your own dc IMO make time for your sister of course, but don't force her on your Dh and dc who are entitled to dislike her if they wish, tbh your sister sounds truly dreadful

( just posted on your old thread...)

You can't do anything about what's happened or about how they live or parent, but I don't think you can expect your dh to sign up for spending time with them again. If you decide you are prepared to see them, then go on your own.

Personally, I don't think you can change people like this by pointing out their odd behaviours, the only revelation they'll get about their behaviour will be when they see it for themselves.

"dsis then lost bil's wallet containing all their money, cards, driving licenses"

wow, who could have seen that coming?

wow, there's living creative, bohemian type lifestyles, and then there's living like twats. Your Dsis fits in the latter camp. They sound like complete nightmares, I would think your DH has been an angel putting up with them for this long. You need to back your DH, and NOT your (d)sis

Wow i never expected such a clear consensus about whats going on . Me and sis did both inherit money, i put mine towards buying our house and into our business. So i am privilaged in that respect. It is funny i do totally feel like the mum from outnumbered, and dh feels very like the long suffering dad re the hippy sister. I know i have to stick up for my family and dh, i just feel sad in my heart that she does this and is therefore creating the situation where by we are going to be distancing ourselves. This holl was probably the worst time yet, but stuff like this happens pretty much every time we get together. I think i always make excuses for here and try to soften the blow as it were when reasoning with dh. She is a very entitled pereson, as an example of the earliest incident i can think of: we were about 6yrs old, my dad had been at work all day on a building site, and at supper time my sis insisted on having the largest baked potatoe, and my dad let her... And lobster ay a restarant age 10 , and she borrowed my new bike and got it stolen, took grans car and rolled it in a ditch, borrowed my best dress and dyed it.... The list goes on... I guess i am pretty pissed off. And by the way two of my dc's went ferel and started copying their cousins behaviour and are still .being brattish 3 days after getting home. my ds spent most of the time hiding behind me. X thanks for your wise words peeps

I'm with your DH on this one

It was interesting what one of you said about people like her looking down on the rest of us. She does this. Makes me feel my choices in life are dull and limiting. As though she pitties me for my boring stable existance. Grrrrr! If we werent here being bioring and predictable then she would be in a right mess right now. God ive just remembered another thing... We went travelling together when teenagers , i had to bail her out financially as she had frittered her money so it meant i hadnt enough to continue my travels and had to return home early.... In the meantime shew found another sucker to borrow money off to continue her travels. God i need to grow a backbone.