my sister and dh dont get on

[mebythesea]

I am just feeling really pulled between my loyalty to my dh and my dsis.

Basically my sister is a fabulous creative funny intelegent person, but she is totally self absorbed, everything is her way or a tantrum ensues, can never see why people might not want to do what she wants etc. she lives a rather chaotic life with her dh and dc's. They are 'trustafarians' who have both inherited money and so have just enough to live on without really ever having to work, but dont have enough to do things with ease, ie their car is a rust heap, probably not insured etc, they live in a wooden cabin in a field, when not travelling, they are very slap dash with money. especially other peoples. they have no concept of having to work hard for what you have, and dont understand that when they break other peoples things or use up all their food or something, why the people are upset, or want it replaced... they just seem to think everyone lives like them, without a real care in the world....

so me and dh obviously dont live like that, we work, save, scrimp, and are able to do the things we want to do. We dont live a totally conventional life, but we are more 'in the real world' as it were.

me and dh and our 3dc's went on our yearly forign holidayfor two weeks where we rented a big house.and dsis decided to come and visit us with her dh and dc's for the second week. we had a lovely calm first week and then dsis arrived and it all went totaly chaotic. they brough no food or drink or anything to contribute, i was expected just to provide for them all. They lost their phones, then chargers, we had to ferry them about as their car had broken down, dsis then lost bil's wallet containing all their money, cards, driving licenses, "oh well" she says " you and dh are here , you can pay for everything till we get back to the uk in a months time - you dont mind do you?" she then proceeded to go out to restarants and shopping expecting us to pick up the tab. the house turned into a pig sty, her dcs throwing food around, piles of washing everywhere, her kids drew all over one wall, my nephew is a law unto himself, pinched, punched kicked me, dh and our dc's continuiously. only after my dh got angry about it happening for the 10th time did bil step in and tell nephew off...my niece screeched constantly for attention, pushes my ds over, takes his toys, crys if anyone trys to reason with her....

so my dh is sick of my sis and her chaos and her sponging and her kids who are wild and loud and unpredictable and often violent. he is always on edge when they are arround, and so am i to some extent, but more used to it so more accepting i suppose....

i just feel really pulled in two directions, loyalty to my dh, and to my sis. they are both what some would call hyper sensitive, they art both quite prickely people, cant take criticism, feel wronged and misunderstood... so i always feel totally stuck in the middle.

i dont know what im asking really, i just feel so disloyal even writing this.
How to i stand up for myself and my family without having a huge blowout with my sis who i love despite all her chaos.

Do you really think there is any chance of getting the money back?

sorry but you gave them your card/access to your account-I think that you have to write that off.

They sound like the exact people I would avoid tbh.

You´ve certainly learnt a hard lesson, but I just don´t get why you give in.

Friday I read it as the sister has been depositing £1000 per week and blowing it all at cafes and suchlike. Very entitled woman.

You lent your sister your credit card? I am gobsmacked. Given you know what she is like that was asking for trouble. Why did you not just say I will lend/give you £x, get it out in currency and give ti to them and say that's your lot.

I too would consider the small claims court.

Where is this wonderful, fabulous creative side to your sister. You probably can't stand up to her without a tantrum, given that you said she throws one if she does not get 100% her own way. She sounds utterly vile, if she were my sister I would not remain in contact with her.

Hi thankyou for all your input. I really am too enmeshed to see the wood for the trees. I have distanced myself since the holl and not really been intouch.

Just to clarify it wasnt a credit card i lent her. It was an account we dont really use, we transferred our £ out b4 we let them use it and it doesnt have a overdraft or anything, it was their own £ they were transfering into it.

I cant really be on here much this weeken got dad staying so endless cooking and entertaining! Will try to respond to your posts later this eve. Thankyou for taking the time to help me with thiis.

It's your parents fault, and her own, why she's like this! Talk to your dad.

She sounds an absolute nightmare. I met quite a few Trustafarians in the past. One living in a converted ambulance in a forest whose dad was a dentist in St. John's Wood and sent her a cheque every months

Most of them grow up eventually though.

Your H must have had the holiday from Hell!

Think I'd be having it out with her, if she can pay in £1k per week then she can afford to repay you £100 per week!

so they're spending 4 grand a month on food etc but can't pay your £2000 back?

her behaviour stinks.

Yup it dioes stink. Feeling very sad about it. My dad is pretty pissed off with her tbh. For this and a catalogue of other things... He is a 'self made man' who grew up in poverty, built up buisnesses, worked for 45 years and has just retired. He gave us both all he never had as a child eg education, holidays, a good life. Apparently Sis been bugging him to 'gift' her her inheritance now out of his retirement £ !!
I dont know what to think really.
I am so upset about how she behaves but she is so charming and affectionate and we have such a laugh, she has always been my best friend, my confidant... Just feel really shit.
Am scared of having it out with her, scared of being another person who 'doesnt iundrstand' her... Incurring her wrath i guess. Weak i know. Just feel really sad about it.

You have really made me think about what is going on in our family dynamic. How we all prop her up and enable her.

I think because she charms people so well we all sweep it under the carpet, make excuses for her...im tired of picking up the pieces. And tired of having to listen to everyone in our family & mutual friends slag her off... They are starting to see through the charm and are becoming increasingly unsympathetic. Her bestf friend recently had a bit of a shout at me re sis and bils behaviour re somthing they expected bf to do for them. I agree with people but feel so sad and embarrised and just wish she. Could see herself as others see her.
Gah! Im gettingmyself worked up.... Calm..... Got to sleep now. Sorry for the rant x nighty night

I would honestly tell her that you need the money back and that her behaviour over it has hurt you.

Focus on the "I" statements, I am hurt that I had to nag to get the card back, I am hurt that you haven't paid the money back yet spend £1k per week so can afford to, I am hurt that you don't seem to value me to treat me better.

Think it is now time to stand up other, demand the money back, and put an end to her selfishness. You and your family to a point allow her behaviour. If you enable it And she gets away with it then she will continue being a stupid cow. Stop it now, demand the money back and never go on holiday with her again. Give her a taste other own medicine.... Go out and forget your purse!

Well if everyone stops giving in to her "charms"(??!!), perhaps she´ll realise.

What I can´t get is how anyone can be charming enough to get others to part with money/do their bidding...

Your sister is not charming at all and never has been either towards any of you.

Your wish for your sister to see herself as others see her will go unfulfilled.

Why do you think your sister has such an overblown sense of entitlement?. I would read up on NPD.

She has been enabled by her parents and now you (your parents also taught you to enable her and bail her out seemingly endlessly) for far too long with predictable result. Also your sister won't give a monkeys about you feeling hurt either. You can kiss goodbye to any money that you foolishly gave her.

Limit all contact with her and your parents to boot.

So sometimes she can be great company but if anyone suggests she is at fault in other areas she accuses them of not understanding her.

Well clearly it won't suit her to be called out on the crap stuff she does, she can't or won't change on that so if pressure comes to do so it the fault of the source of the pressure not her.

Until she accepts that aspects of her behaviour are repugnant to others she will always be someone for whom there is a heavy price to pay for having her in your life.

I bet there are only a few 'select' people who really can swallow her crap understand her for who she really is.

I would be steering a clear country mile around her personally, as no amount of being lovely to me or having good social skills when it suits her, would compensate for treating people badly - I despise selfish people and couldn't hide that fact.

at her pestering your Dad for her inheritance early, for one- she has more money than many so doesn't really need it, but mainly morally what a grasping selfish attitude she has. She has a character with no moral fibre and fortitude and I for one think she is hideous and based only on what I know of her here I'm not sure I would spit on her if she was on fire!

Erm...you know her, we don't, but it doesn't sound to me as though this behaviour is all unconscious and unintended. She is a user and a freeloader, probably quite consciously. She'd rather spend your money than her own, so she does. She seems pretty confident that she will get away with it. Would she be as generous with you as you are with her?
I'd get your £2k back, then leave her to it.

She owes you £2k, she has the money to give it back, so you need to call her (or e-mail if that's easier) and say that you are in a bit of a bind and need that money back ASAP, you should be ok without borrowing any more, but unfortunately need to call in all debts to keep yourselves above water for the next month.

If she cares, she'll give it you back ASAP. If she doesnt, she won't.

In the future, don't lend her any money ever, you just smile and say "we're struggling right now ourselves, it's horrid isn't it?" No shared holidays, no blurred boundaries. If she wants to spend time with you it has to be free for you. She might be charming and creative, but you shouldn't have to pay for her company.

Tell her you need the mommy back by the end on the week. Don't let her get away with it.

I feel sorry for your DC, OP. They went on hols and got tortured by your sister and her family.

Do you still think she is 'charming'? She is nice as pie all the while she gets her own way, otherwise makes everyones lives hell .

She spends your money and doesn't feel the need to give any back.

You feel that you want her to like you, to feel that you 'get' her when everyone else doesn't. You want her approval because otherwise you are...what? Like every other 'boring' person? Not worth her attention? Not worth her charm, fabulous company, wit?

She's so wonderful and charming and creative?

Manipulative, more like. She knows exactly what she's doing - viz. the harrassing of her aging, hard-working, conventional father.

Money not mommy!