my sister and dh dont get on

[mebythesea]

I am just feeling really pulled between my loyalty to my dh and my dsis.

Basically my sister is a fabulous creative funny intelegent person, but she is totally self absorbed, everything is her way or a tantrum ensues, can never see why people might not want to do what she wants etc. she lives a rather chaotic life with her dh and dc's. They are 'trustafarians' who have both inherited money and so have just enough to live on without really ever having to work, but dont have enough to do things with ease, ie their car is a rust heap, probably not insured etc, they live in a wooden cabin in a field, when not travelling, they are very slap dash with money. especially other peoples. they have no concept of having to work hard for what you have, and dont understand that when they break other peoples things or use up all their food or something, why the people are upset, or want it replaced... they just seem to think everyone lives like them, without a real care in the world....

so me and dh obviously dont live like that, we work, save, scrimp, and are able to do the things we want to do. We dont live a totally conventional life, but we are more 'in the real world' as it were.

me and dh and our 3dc's went on our yearly forign holidayfor two weeks where we rented a big house.and dsis decided to come and visit us with her dh and dc's for the second week. we had a lovely calm first week and then dsis arrived and it all went totaly chaotic. they brough no food or drink or anything to contribute, i was expected just to provide for them all. They lost their phones, then chargers, we had to ferry them about as their car had broken down, dsis then lost bil's wallet containing all their money, cards, driving licenses, "oh well" she says " you and dh are here , you can pay for everything till we get back to the uk in a months time - you dont mind do you?" she then proceeded to go out to restarants and shopping expecting us to pick up the tab. the house turned into a pig sty, her dcs throwing food around, piles of washing everywhere, her kids drew all over one wall, my nephew is a law unto himself, pinched, punched kicked me, dh and our dc's continuiously. only after my dh got angry about it happening for the 10th time did bil step in and tell nephew off...my niece screeched constantly for attention, pushes my ds over, takes his toys, crys if anyone trys to reason with her....

so my dh is sick of my sis and her chaos and her sponging and her kids who are wild and loud and unpredictable and often violent. he is always on edge when they are arround, and so am i to some extent, but more used to it so more accepting i suppose....

i just feel really pulled in two directions, loyalty to my dh, and to my sis. they are both what some would call hyper sensitive, they art both quite prickely people, cant take criticism, feel wronged and misunderstood... so i always feel totally stuck in the middle.

i dont know what im asking really, i just feel so disloyal even writing this.
How to i stand up for myself and my family without having a huge blowout with my sis who i love despite all her chaos.

yes, you do

So i am privilaged in that respect

what, privileged that you inherited, or privileged that you did something productive with it? I'd say you're privileged re the former but sensible with the latter. Your sister, clearly, isn't sensible and is a nightmare on stilts. But she's your nightmare and her outrageous, disordered behaviour hasn't caused you any lasting damage by the sound of it. Except that your boundaries have ended up a bit lax...

You can love her and enjoy her even with clear boundaries btw - in fact you will very probably enjoy her more if you keep her out of areas she's going to ruin. Plus DH's blood pressure will have some hope of returning to normal, which has got to be a good thing. win/win.

Good - I feel that the waking up process has started!

Well done for taking all the posts in the right spirit, mebythesea - you really do need to stand up for yourself, see your sister for the selfish, disruptive freeloader that she is and give yourself and your family a break from her and hers.

Good luck! :)

Hey thumb

She had the same chances as you, you chose to invest wisely for your future she did not, you cannot be held responsible for her choices, she needs to grow up and you do need to no longer financially enable her to be a ponce.

Love (if you can) from a distance.

Yes you do need a backbone but then so does your sister. She gets away with her behaviour because someone will always come to her aid and give in to what she wants.
She needs to grow up. AND LEARN.
Let her become someone else's problem. You have a family of your own. You can't change her but you can change how you interact with her.

Stop doing it, stand back and see what happens.

just want to echo what every one else has said.

There is no question that your dh is right!

She is entitled to live her life as she wishes but not at your expense.

you do need to be much tougher with her!

Wanted to update on this ongoing saga incase any of you remember it and what do you think i should do...

My sis and bil borroewd quite a lot of money from me and dh on this hoilday nearly £2000. We still havnt seen a penny of it back two months later. Also when they lost their cash/credit cards we lent them one of our accounts and cards to use. After repeatidly asking for it to be returned so we could use it bil huffily posted it to us in an envelope, no note, and a 2nd class stamp... Could have easily gone awol in post.
Ive just checked the statement for the account and theyve been putting in £1000 per week! And spending it at waitrose and cafes etc.
Im just so pissed off with them. They are so ungrateful.
Me and dh arent rich but we are comfortable. We dont desperatly need th £2000 back asap but it should really be back in our bank account.
I just feel sis and bil just dont give a fxxx. However i find it really hard to discuss with dh as he is totally sick of them and sags them off, which i do too to sone extent, but feel very guilty about it... Oh what can i do about my sis?!

That should have been slags them off' and 'to some extent'.
(Flippin phone!)

So, they do like the good life after all.

They just don't want to work for it.

They'd rather borrow or steal.

You can't do anything. Stop worrying that you ought to. You're not her mother.

Stay in touch with her. But make her borrowing money from you into a HUGE joke. Every time she mentions anything with a financial aspect (stretch it if you have to) say something about 'well, anyone with half a brain won't be borrowing money from YOU, will they! HAHAHAHA! Oh I'll never forget what a nightmare you were on that holiday, dh nearly killed you! HAHAHAHAHA!' That way, if she ever mentions any potential freeloading situations again, you can burst into the same laugh, say 'HAHAHAHAHA Oh sis you are a card, that'll be the day! Anyway....'

there's nothing you can do.

you knew she was feckless and should never have trusted her in the first place... i say live and learn, take the 2 grand as an investment in your education about human nature and commit to putting your own family first from now on.

write off the money and never ever ever lend them a single penny ever again.

I was once given the advice never to lend money I expected/ needed to. Be returned.
I would mentally write off the money, but still send them a bill.

BTW I would never lend anyone a credit or debit card, normal people don't.

Your sister sounds bloody awful. Please support your DH.
Write off the money and NEVER lend a penny again.

I think you think your sister is nicer than she is. Fortunately I think you are opening your eyes.

Good luck OP.

They sound frightful and in need of tough love. You also need to love yourself enough to stop her walking all over you and your family.

I would limit contact, refuse to provide anything - money, lifts, food etc. I know a couple of hippy-types who make snide remarks about me using the house alarm WTAF - durr! the insurance is cheaper and it might deter burglars. (they unfortunately got burgled - cos ya know - locking the front door is, like so conventional

I can see that you feel torn but this is a bit of a no-brainer. You don't have to stop loving her but you do need to separate out her actions and your response.

PS I have a PhD in MySiblingsAreAFuckingNightmare Studies

Phone her this am and say you need the money returned today, no excuses. Be blunt with her, it is easy to do once you start. Essentially, she does not respect you at all. Do not be so pathetic and allow her to walk all over you. You need it. End of. She sounds a user, sorry.

I would probably phone and tell her if she doesn't pay it back, then I would consider that she has stolen the money from you and your children. It doesn't sound like she ever faces consequences from her behaviour - have you ever had it out with her about how she behaves? I would actually cut contact altogether, she sounds dreadful.

Have you got any proof of the loan?

Sending your card back second class with no note has surely got to be the last piss taking straw that broke the camels back!

So have I got this right, they borrowed £2000 on holiday and in addition have been spending £1000 per week from your account! [shocked]

I'd definately send them a bill and don't mince your words, but, as the others have said, don't expect to get it back and NEVER lend them anything ever again x

Why would you let someone who is feckless with money have one of your accounts that will affect your credit rating? If they are bringing in £52000 a year they can open their own account.
None of your behaviour makes any sense. Your sister sounds like a selfish brat and you sound intimidated by her.
I would tell her it is time to sort out her own account and that by August you would like her money out of your account and your money back.
I would minimise her involvement in your life as she just sounds like a financial and emotional leech.
In future don't discuss holiday plans with her and make it clear you don't want guests if you go on holiday. You should never have let her stay if your husband didn't want her too. I feel sorry for your husband.
She isn't a poor person with no money. She's a wealthy mother of 2 who can sort her own stuff out. Stop treating her like a feckless teenager.

I would certainly attempt to get the money back, how much did they actually spend on the credit card? They sound an awful couple and I'd steer well clear of them in the future . Good luck.

Good grief OP!!!!

I definitely get the feeling from the things you mention from your childhood together, that your sister expects to get away with absolute murder. She has grown up expecting to be "saved", "caught", in short ENABLED by your parents, and your parents have taught you to enable her too. Absolutely shocking.

I have a sister who is enabled by my parents. Not to the extent of yours, but they permit her to trample over my and my other siblings' emotions. My parents essentially groomed me to be the same way with her.

BOUNDARIES. They are your right. Emotional ones and physical ones. You need to be CLEAR about what you won't put up with. I get the feeling you're still developing your ideas about that. Keep going! Listen to your gut and decide what is ok and what is NOT OK.

If you're having trouble seeing it, which is hardly surprising after a life time of this shit, listen to your DH and the lovely people here. It is absolutely NOT OK for her to do these things to you and your family. You do not have to allow her to use and abuse you. She is in the wrong here, not you.

You will never change her, that is not your responsibility, but you do not have to put up with her abominable SHIT.

In that vein, I would definitely be ruthless about holding her to account (!) for the money she owes you, whilst at the same time, don't expect to get it back. By this I mean let her know exactly how you feel about it: appalled, used, and extremely angry (I imagine), and tell her you will NEVER LEND HER MONEY AGAIN. You have the right to be fucking angry and to let her know.

And then... Limit your contact.

The title of this thread should be:
"My sister is an appalling, self-centred brat with an over-developed sense of entitlement and zero respect for me and my family. HELP!"

To be honest I think you're first loyalty is to your children who are likely to have a horrid abusive time at the hands of their cousins while the adults seem to have a startlingly high tolerance to hideous behaviour because they are fanily.

Second loyalty to your husband because he is key to your family and children, as are you.

Third loyalty is to your sister but loyalty is not the same as 'taking shit' and if she shows you no respect that should be reflected in your response - rather than you responding to the person/sister you wish she was!

No wonder you feel sad - your desire for how things should be does not match reality - but reality is your sister is totally thoughtless and inconsiderate (at best) so the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the sooner you can let go of the guilt for being stuck in the middle!

Can you clear up some confusion for me - you lent them £2000 on holiday and they have used more money from your account since then, or is the total 2k?

I think you might need to consider the small claims court. At the very least that will put the wind up them!