getting very resentful- how much does your dp/dh help?

[toomuchsand]

I am getting more and more fed up with my dh. He lies in at weekends until about ten, then wants to know what we are doing today ( with dc's). if its the park, he cries off, far too boring.
He looks after the baby while i take ds to school. I take ds at 8 and he lies in bed until 7.59 while i get up, do breakfasts, lunch boxex, dress dc, myself, and then shout at him to get up. this is everyday. he has never once got up with the dc's, even on holidays. he says this is normal, but is it? he says i am ungrateful as he works so hard and late until midnight or later each night. what do others dp/dh do?

First off, there is no such thing as 'normal', every couple has to come up with their own way of working things out. It's not right for him to simply say 'it's normal' if it's not actually working for you as a family.

When does he actually work? Is it actually 9 am to midnight every day? Do you work as well?

Regardless of his work schedule, he should be sharing the tasks on days off and holidays. If he has seriously never gotten up once with the DC that's ridiculous.

What are his actual working hours?

Agree on holidays and days off he should be getting up but if he's working till midnight or later then 8 am is pretty early to get up. If my husband is back shift he gets home at midnight but can't sleep till about 2am so the earliest I can realistically drag him out of bed is about 930 when I get back from the school run. He does 2 weeks of 12 hour nightshifts, then 5 backshifts, then 7 early shifts so it does take its toll on him to be fair though so I don't mind him sleeping when he gets the chance plus I'm now a SAHM. To be honest if he's about in the mornings when I'm trying to get the girls up and out then it can be a nightmare as everything takes twice as long lol.

This works for us though and doesn't bother me. What your husband is doing isn't working for you so therefore something really does have to change and you have to find a way to work things where you are both happy but will obviously both have to compromise somehow. What if he got to lie in till 8am 3 days a week but got up the other 2 at 7 so he could help more

The most useful thing I read ion here was comparing 'telly time' - do you have equal amounts of leisure time?

That can give a better indcation of 'what's fair'

Agree about weekends though, my stbexH was like this (often in bed 'til 12 on a saturday) and it drove me mad.

IMO - both partners should work the same number of hours as each other.
So if he works ten hours a day plus one hour travel time, then you spend 11 hours at childcare, housework, your own work outside the home if you have it.
What's left over at the end of your 11 hour shift each, is to be shared.
Lie ins to be shared equally, in turns. (this only works if both parents don't take the pee, really, nobody is dossing at work and pretending it's worse than it is)
Time out to be shared equally, if you go into town (childless) for 2 hours on a Sat, he should 2 hours childless to go to the gym or whatever.
If there is ten pounds left over at the end of the week, that's a fiver each.

Nothing else is fair, imo

What hours does he actually work OP?

If he works late nights, then I'd expect to do most mornings. In fact I do and have.

But I do get lie-ins occasionally and dh will take over while I have a nap in the afternoon if I need one.

I don't like the sound of him expecting you to plan every weekend's activities, and crying off the park. Does he never think up anything to do himself for the family?

Try telling a creche worker that childcare isn't work, or a cleaner that housework isn't. In a family these things need doing, as well as earning the money.

Perhaps what you should concentrate on is treating your dh as the adult that he is. For example, why do you wake him to take over the childcare? He knows what time he needs to be up. Let him use an alarm clock. You have got into the habit of telling him what to do, or doing it for him.

I would plan a day out on a Saturday, for myself and tell dh that I will be gone for the day (shopping with friends) from, say 8am til late. I would leave the rest up to him to sort out.

He won't manage the house and children the way you would but so what? He will cope and you will get some time for yourself.

My DH doesn't 'help' at all - he does his share of what needs doing, whether that is housework/laundry/sorting kids etc. At the moment I'm having to study as well as work part-time, so DH is doing far more than me around the house/with kids etc despite the fact that he works full-tme.

My friends tell me that I'm 'lucky' because my DH is 'so good' - but whilst I do appreciate him, he's lovely - I can't think how else we would organise our lives anyway, as the house/DC are our joint responsibility

I agree with the others that it depends on what your DH's actual working hours are. On weekends and holidays you should get an equal amount of lie-ins, no question, you should not be the one getting up all the time.

Ha! I came on here to say the exact same thing as ASByatt

My DP doesn't "help", he does his share too :)

My DP does more than the OP's and he doesn't even live with me

It is understandable that you do more childcare if he works outside the home and you don't but "never once got up with dc's" is just sad. Your DH is missing out on being a father and you are missing out on feeling cared for and nurtured. You need to talk to him and get him to see you once more as a life partner rather than the house elf.

When I'm here without DH I do housework and care for the dcs when he's around we bnoth do it, I never 'ask' to go out I just check and tell him. So for example my mother is in crisis, I'm oof to spend time with her, DH will have dcs, do ironing, housework and food prep clearing away. I do floor washing and bathroom cleaning because I don't work.

I also get more lie ins.

My husband just doesn't do mornings, I have gradually learned to accept this as it makes for less arguments, however I do resent him laying in when I'm ill etc so I can relate to this all to well!

pipsy My husband just doesn't do mornings I wonder how my dh would react if I used that one .

I have gradually learned to accept this as it makes for less arguments

This shows a complete lack of respect for you as an equal in your relationship. You are clearly not happy with the situation, why don't you stand up for yourself and tell him to do his share?

I do most things at home but this was agreed when we got married as he works and I don't. I get my leisure time when the DC are at school. DH does more tidying though as it bothers him more and I often lie in later at weekends, but DC don't need us to be up early any more so that's his choice.

God Pipsy, can I marry you, I'd love to get away with 'not doing mornings'.

Seriously, though that'd drive me up the wall.

rather than loads of arguments there'd be one big one, I think.

No I have tried shouting, ranting and crying all to no avail, short of leaving I have no option, however as has frequently been pointed out by other posters to OPs on other threads- I did know he was like that when I married him, but yes sinical I might be better off married to you too!

DH and I both get up about 6ish everyday for work so on weekends we both have 1 lie in each.

I get to go out whenever I like as long as DH is t work and DH never complains and at the moment I am pregnant again but usually have very active social life.

DH came to and still comes to every antenatal and doctors appointment I have ever been to with DD in 4 years.

He does everything I do

Pipsy....is your dh a smoker or a drinker?

i'll answer as best i can.. dh works everyday from 9.00am until at least midnight sometimes later. He sometimes works weekends too and also travels for work. He socialises for work too, which means he is often out in bars and restaurants. If he does manage to get home early (about 10.30pm) he watches endless tv until way after I have gone to bed. this drives me insane as he is always moaning he is tired but says he needs to relax by watching tv. Its been this way since before dc, ie 6 years BUT he always used to come home in the afternoon for a couple of hours, play with the dc, chat to me. now he has a new job and he is too busy (for the last six months) He has never done bedtime or bathtime as the dc;s just want me there even when i try and encourage him/ them. He won't talk to me anymore, he yawns a lot when i tell him about my and the dcs day and reads the paper lying on the table. he used to be lovely and i didn't mind doing it all and helping him to find time for us. but now he just looks at me like he disliskes me. he ridicules me if i need help or something goes wrong. when its someone else, he is very caring with them, even strangers.

I have asked him to come to football etc and he says he can't get the time off. he says he works hard for the family and no other bloke would be expected to get up and give me a lie in ( not that the dc's would let me anyway) and i know that, its just i am so fed up with being mum and dad now the dc's are getting a bit bigger. when he does get involved the dc's are manic with excitement. he lets them misbehave and be rude as he doesn't want to upset them as he never sees them.

Fairenuff, I have to wake him up as otherwise he won't get up and i can't just leave him as it means taking the baby on the school run, which i would rather not do. Its the only time i get with ds1 as it is. even if he got up willingly and spent 10 mins chatting to ds who won;t see him til the next morning again it would be better.