getting very resentful- how much does your dp/dh help?

[toomuchsand]

I am getting more and more fed up with my dh. He lies in at weekends until about ten, then wants to know what we are doing today ( with dc's). if its the park, he cries off, far too boring.
He looks after the baby while i take ds to school. I take ds at 8 and he lies in bed until 7.59 while i get up, do breakfasts, lunch boxex, dress dc, myself, and then shout at him to get up. this is everyday. he has never once got up with the dc's, even on holidays. he says this is normal, but is it? he says i am ungrateful as he works so hard and late until midnight or later each night. what do others dp/dh do?

If he's not finishing work until midnight then it's fair enough he's not getting up till 7.59. He's got to have some downtime.

Do you go straight to bed after you have read your dcs a story or after you have set the table for breakfast or so you watch some tv/read/MN for a while first?

no, i try not to fall asleep with dd/ds and then i clear up a bit, then i am doing a course, so i do some work on that to keep me awake til dh comes home, otherwise I would never see him.

i feel the small things he does are under duress and i have to nag him to spend 5 mins with his own dc's.

So it seems like your arrangement for weekday mornings is quite reasonable given how late he works, but could you have a conversation with him about his contribution at weekends at least? Something like, "I know you find going to the park boring but it's a really important to the kids, so please could we agree that you take them every weekend (weather dependent perhaps!) and also do X and Y chores"

You could also ask him if he could lay the table for breakfast before he goes to bed each night, would just make your mornings that bit easier.

The attitude thing is a second, equally important issue I think. He shouldn't be talking to you like that :( If he has this attitude when you try to talk about chores I suppose having a reasonable conversation about his contributions won't really work, so maybe you need to get to the root of this one first.

Well that sounds like an entirely different problem!

First off, even if he is working hard to provide for you all, those are ridiculous work hours and don't really give you any kind of family life together. I know a lot of people put up with this but you would be entirely reasonable to not be happy with it.

Second, what's with his attitude toward you? Have you tried talking to him about it? How are you expected to live with someone who doesn't talk to you or treat you properly? What kind of example is that showing for the DC? This is not a small thing, you need to address this directly. It sounds like he is avoiding spending time with you

With the hours he works he deserves some rest, but he still needs to put some effort into family life. It sounds like he is checking out of his marriage really, you need to find out what's going on.

My DH does 90% of mornings as I work some evenings and I am generally crap in the morning.

He also does dinner when necessary (something easy left for him to do), baths the baby every night, reads to the big children, and does the decorating / gardening / man stuff.

I work part time and do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping.....

There's more to it than the lack of help. I hate that word btw, grown men do not help with their children or housework - it is a shared responsibility however it is divided up. Working hard for the family means working hard in EVERY aspect, not just going out and bringing home money.

Most people have a system that works for them, even it seems unequal on the surface, but it must be a system without resentments.

Personally I don't understand why anyone would want to spend so much time away from their home and family, but we have loads of threads on this already and the arguments about career progression and nice houses don't wash with me in the slightest.

I'd make a plan that involved you going off for the day by yourself with no indication of when you'll be back, and just let him get on with it. And stop doing everything as well.

toomuchsand I would question why he works so many hours. I don't think he would be contracted to work a minimum of 11 hours a day. Is he self employed or is he a workaholic.

A workaholic is not just a person who likes to work hard, it's a mental health condition with serious consequences to personal relationships.

Your dh thinks that because he provides financially for the family, he doesn't need to do anything else. He is making no contribution to the day to day running of the house or the childcare. He has no relationship with his children and very little with his wife. He needs to take a good look at what is really important to him. If it's work, then you have your answer.

This will not change unless you want it to change. You cannot change his behaviour, only your own. Personally, I would not want to waste my life married to someone who didn't care enough to listen to me, consider my needs or want to spend time with me or our children.

15 hour working days is just lunacy.

Are you sure he's working all the time?

If he used to come back for a few hours in the afternoon, but now doesn't and is cold and seems to dislike you, perhaps it's not work but an OW?

It would be hard to relate what is normal to your situation, because a 75Hr + working week is simply not normal. And as you've seen, it's not particularly conducive to a happy home life either. I've seen similar situations discussed, and there are some people with incredible time management skills who can make this situation work for them. It looks like your DH is not one of them though, and can hardly be blamed for that. I think he is more culpable for his attitude over weekends though - he should want to be spending time with his family.

I think you both need to sit down and accept through mutual discussion that such an imbalanced situation isn't working for your family. I'd hope that those hours means your financial situation is pretty good. Perhaps he needs reassuring that you'd be happier with less money but more of him, because he's under the ridiculous misapprehension that all he needs to provide is money. I wouldn't dismiss the workaholic diagnosis either. Was he like this before you had kids?

I am a DH, but my situation is a million miles from yours. I'm in a position to do some cooking, some cleaning and some early mornings because I'm only working 45 hours a week. Frankly, I'd be miserable if I was doing twice as much as that. A large part of that misery would be lack of time with my wife and kids. To give you a frame of reference, it is likely that my wife will be SAHM in 6 months. Our household income at that point would be about £30k. To increase it would mean much less time together as a family. We have discussed my wife doing evening/weekend work, but are fully prepared to make do with less money if that led to the situation you describe.

ok, so he's got a combination of a socialising work life and seems to be a bit of an 'owl' anyway.. fair enough i'd say... i mean, not ideal but i wouldn't say the weekdays are the killer - the problem has to be weekends. does he take both days off? if so, he'll still need to sleep later as his bodyclock is set to nights but that's no excuse not to spend the rest of the day with HIS family and evenings with HIS wife..

XP refused to do mornings, breakfasts, evenings or nights ever. He thought parenting was a bit of a play on weekend afternoons and supervising the bath. I couldn't get him to change even after we went to Relate.

Hence he is now my XP.

He works 15 hours a day? Seriously? If that's the case I don't see how he can be expected to do one ounce extra, he must be incredibly worn out. I don't think the problem is that he can't be bothered to help, the problem is his work situation is absolutely batshit crazy and it's destroying his home life.

I do sympathise OP as my DH also works long hours although not 15 hour days. He leaves just as the DCs get up and gets back just as they go to bed so he misses bath times and school runs and everything in between. I'm sure this happens in many households. If I ask him to share some chores I get a rant about his 60 hr working week and his stressful job so I've just given up asking. I also work PT btw. I've yet to find the magic formula so watching post with interest. I've just made him aware that's he's missing out and will regret it later. The thing is even if he wasn't working I know things wouldn't be much different I think it's an excuse really :(

Also think that some DHs have the attitude that they are working to provide for you and therefore you should be grateful - there's a bit of resentment there I suspect. They forget of course they were working before you met them and would much rather be at work than at home I suspect!

My h used to be like this- home at 10.30 most evenings, no help with kids, never in bed with me (staying up to 'wind down'), lie-ins till 11 or 12 at weekends. It went on for years. I worked too, but finally I had to go part time, it was just too much.

Oh boy, did we get into trouble. I got increasingly resentful as the kids got older, we drifted apart, he started to enjoy the socializing more than me (they were of course always nice to him, and admiring). He also used to 'buy' the kids off and undermine me when he was here, to make it up to them, which caused no end of problems as they got older.

Of course it ended up with pissed off kids, a pissed off wife, and a pissed off and depressed h.

After 15 years, it led to 6 years, nearly, of secret sex with other women (internet, as far as I know), threatened divorce, Relate etc etc.

I dont know what the answer is for you. But I do think you are both on a very slippery slope. Perhaps you need a few days away to discuss?

In my opinion, these sorts of hours are not really required by most employers. If your h is a workaholic (mine was), he will insist that they are.

However, maybe his company really is that crazy, who knows.

I'm sure not many would choose to work these hours but many do because they have to make to ends meet or perhaps they are self employed. Not everyone lives in an ideal 9-5 world.

In the current economic climate I think some employers are putting huge pressure on people to work longer hours - some for the good of the company 'if you dont do xyz then jobs are on the line' or 'if you dont like it there are plenty who will take your place'. They are aware employees don't have the choice to simply quit and get another job like a few years ago and some are taking the p*.

I'm sorry to say, but I think you should be finding out if there might be another woman.

Those working hours are ridiculous.

He is not being a 'good provider': he is actively prioritizing work over his family.

oh dear, i have avoided posting about this for so long as it makes me feel disloyal but its really helping to discuss it here. He works in hospitality so the hours are usual for someone as senior in his role. its pretty glamourous as well and he is quite well known, so he likes that bit too. there is a long history of divorces and misery for dh's in his job. he likes his job and yes, does earn good money. he would like to work less hours but is under pressure to do as much as he can- when he does get home about 9 his bb never stops buzzing with issues and he would like to turn it off but he stresses what the issues could be, and i could honestly throw it out of the window. He has been getting up 10 mins earlier but spends it catching up on his emails and watching me run after the dcs. This drives me crazy. at the weekend he did make the park, but at home just went back to doing emails as though he has done his bit. he did do all the cooking as well which is nice so i guess i musnt gumble, but said i didn't thank him properly. He went out about before bath/ bed for the dc;'s (bizarre, was gone for ages tbh and it should have taken 10 mins) and then invited a mate for dinner unknown to me so we had no chance to chat. and now its the start of the mad week again.

he was like this before dc's but not so involved in the business- he is now much more senior. his father just worked and made no effort with the dc's which he often moans about, when i say but you are doing the same, he says i am nasty.

I hope there is no one else, but i do know that his ex keeps in touch - through a private email- he told me she did it privately as it annoys me so much she is still hanging round after all this time- she has been single since they split 8 years ago. he said she had asked him is he was happy (!) this was a while ago, 6 weeks, and he says she has been silent since. he is in quite a position to meet women but i guess i would be the last to know anyway. maybe he would like to leave me but is terrified of losing the kids. he must be very unhappy if that is how he feels.

He says he works hard and most men would be out at weekends, doing sport without their families, ie golf and then drinking in pubs but that's not true is it? When I talk to him about it he just says wherever he works in this biz these are the hours (true) and what else could he do? he is right there so maybe i should just get back in my box. He says he does want to spend time with us at weekends but is just too tired to get up. I used to be ok with it as he works so hard, but lately I don't feel the same way. he is different towards me.

THe problem is that he thinks he's the person in the household and you and the DC are a kind of backdrop/appendage/convenience. He can play with the DC when he feels like it, but you are there to rear them and provide all the ongoing domestic service as well.
Unfortunately this is common with people who are 'well known' particularly in sociable industries. They consider themselves better than others, and regard their families as support systems for themselves rather than people in their own right.

I would be interested in whether he really believes that his life is working for him, too. If he says he is stressed and fed up alot of the time, then it isnt.

Is your financial situation such that he could work less, or part time? If not, would you be willing to work a little too in order to bump up lost salary? Exploring these options opening would at least reveal whether he prefers his life as it is, and whether he is prepared to change it if he sees it is not working for either/both of you.

If he is as stressed as he says is, then the long term consequences of this are not good for either of you.

Of course it is really tricky these days re jobs, but it isnt impossible to effect some sort of change. And anyway, these sort of hours leave his employers vulnerable re industrial tribunal, if he became ill as a result.

Ah okay, I think I have an idea of the kind of job your DH does.

I can see how it would be hard to cut back hours but at the same time one of the benefits of being more senior is that you can carve out hours when you are not to be disturbed really. Whenever I've worked in such places, it was well understood that you don't call the senior guys on certain days or after certain hours unless the building was on fire. He needs to delegate more responsibility to the people under him and tell them to handle things.

This kind of work is not at all conducive to family life, and I think really he should have some kind of time limit for how long he's willing to do this, and look to transitioning to a role asap with more reasonable hours.

BUT all of that aside, it still doesn't excuse the way he's treating you -- not talking to you, seeming bored with you, now disappearing for lengths of time and inviting people over randomly.

I'm sorry but it really sounds like he is checking out of your marriage. I really think you need to address this head-on, don't 'go back in your box'.

The thing is, all of this would be fine - the long working hours, the sleeping in, resting at weekends, etc. if your dh was single without any other responsibilities. But he's not. He has a wife and children to consider.

The real problem is that he doesn't see it as a problem. At least, not a problem which he is willing to try and resolve. He is making excuses to get you to stop 'complaining' and carry on as before.

I agree with posters who suggest it is time for him to start looking for a different job, reduction in hours or delegation, whichever is most appropriate. It seems that he could make time for the family but is choosing not to at the moment.

You need to discuss what would work for you together, as a couple, so that both of you have an equal say. If work is the problem, then work has to change. If he can't or won't change his hours then you need to decide if you can live like this, taking second place to what he wants, for the rest of your marriage.