getting very resentful- how much does your dp/dh help?

[toomuchsand]

I am getting more and more fed up with my dh. He lies in at weekends until about ten, then wants to know what we are doing today ( with dc's). if its the park, he cries off, far too boring.
He looks after the baby while i take ds to school. I take ds at 8 and he lies in bed until 7.59 while i get up, do breakfasts, lunch boxex, dress dc, myself, and then shout at him to get up. this is everyday. he has never once got up with the dc's, even on holidays. he says this is normal, but is it? he says i am ungrateful as he works so hard and late until midnight or later each night. what do others dp/dh do?

i suppose i don't really mind the long hours, its just this ignoring me and the dc's- some days i only see him for 10 mins before he goes and then the next morning as he gets in after midnight and i have to go to bed. He gets more time with the baby alone - about 30 mins for me to do the school run. he has stopped calling during the day as well, so often i have no idea when he will be back- if he has taken his key i know it will be a late one. and the weekends are crap- there is nothing left for us.

delegating- yes, he has started to do it, but it is all very political at the minute so he likes to be there to diffuse things. plus i think he loves all the social and networking stuff. i must seem very dull by comparison, tbh.

Dreamingbohemien, if you have worked in this industry then you know its not condusive to family life and i can't have it all i guess. he wasnt madly ambitious like this before dc, now he has gone very corporate and really unrecognisable. There is no role for him with less hours unless we went to the US where unions play such a large part. i guess as already been said on this thread, people are being exploited- but he does love being there too. he needs to face it properly. he agrees with me but carries on. or puts some hours in the time bank at home then works hours on end again. he is going abroad for work this week, so i guess if he is not too tired we will have to have it out yet again.

Why not be really specific about what you want. Have a good think. Do you want to do things with him and the children, or do you want some time by yourself, or do you want him to organise and entertain the children for a change?

For example, you could say between the hours of 10am and 2pm on Saturday his phone is off and he does something with the children which he has planned and organised.

Between the hours of 4pm and 6pm on Saturday he does some cleaning, washing, gardening, whatever contribution you would like him to do in the house.

He takes one week holiday every six months and you go away as a family for at least 5 days. He only turns his phone on for two hours in the morning and two in the evening, the rest of the time he focusses on family.

You agree that you will have a lie in once a week, or you will have an evening together as a couple without the children, once a week.

These are all things which can be negotiated, you just need to work out what it is that you want. Put it into writing and get him to sign it so that when things slip back into old habits you do not have to keep having the the arguement discussion.

I suspect you just want him to listen to you, respect you and show that he appreciates you and cares about you. That, I'm afraid, you might not achieve, but it's worth a shot.

"He says he works hard and most men would be out at weekends, doing sport without their families, ie golf and then drinking in pubs but that's not true is it? "

I don't thinks so, it certainly isn't true for me or my friends.

"When I talk to him about it he just says wherever he works in this biz these are the hours (true) and what else could he do?"

Earn less in a different career which is not so time hungry? His management skills must be transferable into other industries.

"he is right there so maybe i should just get back in my box. He says he does want to spend time with us at weekends but is just too tired to get up."

Don't get back in your box, you will just build resentment with no outlet for it. I don't think it's a healthy lifestyle at all, but see if you can make some small adjustments for the short term. I think you might have to accept the midweek lack of help if he's hardly there. At the weekends, while understandably tired, doing something active will produce endorphins which could help him. Perhaps start with things that interest him and then you might have a bit of manouvering room to introduce other things.

I have this as an ongoing problem, but through a lot of talking, its got better.

We both work FT, so we split the lie-in at the weekend: either of us can lie in until 12 if we want to.

Evening childcare is split if we are both at home in time, although I do have to do some chivvying along.

Evening cleanup is shared (put away + sweep + dishes etc), again with some chivvying

and then... I do all the rest! (er, washing, tidying, putting away, household admin). We outsource ironing and have a cleaner 1 x a week.

He does bins when he remembers each week and does the garden in the summer.

Still rather S**t in my opinion and causes lots of arguments. It would be more balanced if I did all laundry (happy to do that) and he did the general tidying.

I agree that if he works late nights, he might need more leeway in when he gets up. The being p**sed off at having to go to the park with DCs is just wrong, in that he sees it as boring, rather than good & essential family time, and fun for the kids.

I also had an issue with DH in this area, in that he'd taken them out about 3 x in 3 years.

How old is he, out of interest?