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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling so low and lonely

93 replies

meandmypickle · 16/02/2012 23:04

I've started a few threads recently and am 99% sure things can nevr work with me and h. I'm just feeling so lonely and sad atm, just missing chats and "normality" We're only speaking when necessary and it's all so sad
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1356000-Were-these-warning-signs
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1399104-If-it-werent-for-ds
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1395005-Huge-row-recovering-from-surgery

OP posts:

Pickgo · 19/02/2012 13:51

If you did speak to him, say this evening, what would you want to say?

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 17:26

I dont know really. Even just a litle chat about ds, or tv or anything really. Just so lonely

OP posts:

Lueji · 19/02/2012 17:55

I've been there and being alone with people around you is terrible.

At least when you are alone you are allowed to talk to yourself. Even probably feel more at ease to phone someone else.

Have you considered a "trial separation"? That might help clear things up.

Maybe you do need to speak with him about how you feel in relation to this marriage. Even if it leads to a separation.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 18:04

A trial separation might be a good idea - effectively it would be similar to what we have now, althought i guess we'd need to rearrnage the finances. We'd still both have to stay in the house

OP posts:

Lueji · 19/02/2012 18:06

So, you wouldn't be able to live in different places?

It seems to me that you have to experience being away from his toxic influence.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 19:21

No unfortunately we wouldn't be able to live in different places until our house was sold.

OP posts:

Lueji · 19/02/2012 19:32

In any case, a trial separation would not seem such a big step, if you do not feel strong to go ahead with the whole divorce thing.

You may well feel stronger after you liberate yourself from this man, though. :-)

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 21:19

I hope i'd feel stronger - couldn't feel much weaker atm
is he definatley that bad though? he can be nice and do considerate things.
However at the moment he's doing so little roudn the house - even watches tv while I hobble in and out (becuase of op) sorting the dinner. He;s done minimal house work since the op too

OP posts:

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 22:05

I'm even thinking to myself now that I could just stay for the good bits and ignore the lies, not challenge him, etc - then he wouldn't get angry. Ds would still get to see daddy every day, there'd no upheaval with houses, money, etc and i could just focus on the good bits, and try to ignore the bad?

OP posts:

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 22:52

Oh this is awful the pain of it all. I doubt hes really any if this...
why does it have to be like this? Anyone there?

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 19/02/2012 23:02

Here but about to go to bed. I wish it could be easier for you but it's rarely possible. Night time is bad. Again, try to distract yourself to get some sleep, is my advice, till the morning.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 19/02/2012 23:05

Thanks :) Will try to get to sleep soon

OP posts:

Lueji · 19/02/2012 23:40

You could ignore the bad and bend backwards to please him and let him take advantage of you (doing very little since your op...).

I do believe that marriages can become better, but only when both want to.
It doesn't seem that yours wants to improve things.
And you are still by him and not making waves.

The thing is that your DC may well be picking up in the bad environment and how bad you feel. He may well be happier when mum is happier too.

Do sleep, it might be clearer in the morning.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 20/02/2012 08:31

I had a ask him to do some housework yesterday as things are in such a mess. I said if he wasn't going to I'd get a cleaner .he said he'd do it today..
Yes one of the things i find the most humiliating and upsetting is making his dinner. I think i might start eating with ds and then h can do his own later but i'm worried it will provoke him (h)
Dreading the school run today as i just don't want to see anyone atm - feel i might cry

OP posts:

Lueji · 20/02/2012 12:23

Sometimes crying and sharing is good.
Do you have anyone in rl you can confide in?

Original poster

meandmypickle · 20/02/2012 12:39

Yes i have confided in a few people in RL. Most of say that really it comes down to whether i can accept his behaviour and if I can't then it's probably best in the long term to leave

OP posts:

Lueji · 20/02/2012 17:27

What do you think would take for you to actually leave him?

Original poster

meandmypickle · 21/02/2012 19:25

Well, here's the lastest...

Found out very recently that h had a written warning at work a few months ago. It was mainly for lack of empathy in dealing with people. using inflammatory language, challenging people inapproriately and vocalsing his thoughts too soon. Hmm rings a few bells :(
To make matters worse, he not only didn't tell me about this. He alos lied about reasons why an internal job application didn't progress and why he was looking at other jobs and why he'll get no pay rise for 2 years.
I told him i knew last night - he hardly reacted - just said it had been hard to deal with.
Final nail in the coffin....?

OP posts:

Lueji · 21/02/2012 19:49

You are the judge. :)

I think it may be possible for him to get better, but he probably has to hit rock bottom to actually change.

It is better for you to wait from a distance, than to facilitate this man.

Original poster

meandmypickle · 21/02/2012 19:51

What makes you think he could get better Lueji?
This behaviour pretty much sums up how he's been for years and years..

OP posts:

Lueji · 21/02/2012 19:59

I think I didn't phrase it right.

What I meant was exactly that he is not going to change, not while you are with him.

His problems at work suggest that his attitude problems are spilling to work.

So, (what I meant is that) you are better off without him.
By staying you are effectively letting him be like this.

Only if you separate, and possibly him losing his job can he start taking responsibility and possibly change.

Not encouraging you to stay with him at all. Just to be clear. :)

Original poster

meandmypickle · 21/02/2012 20:02

Thanks :)
It's partly scary and partly reassuring that it's now no just be on the receiving end of his behaviour. i somethimes think if only i could behave a bit differently, things would be better. Clearly not..

OP posts:

izzyizin · 21/02/2012 20:14

How long has he worked for his present employers?

Original poster

meandmypickle · 21/02/2012 21:08

Izzy - why is that relevant?

OP posts:

struwelpeter · 21/02/2012 21:23

Having been where you are now, I think the being half-in, half-out of a relationship is the most trying thing.
There are plenty of single parents out there and you will find RL support in unexpected places. I spent so long thinking if I could do x or y (and ex used to taunt me with consequences if I didn't do certain things).
No knowing and no being able to make decisions, turning from hope to despair depending on how he reacts and how you feel when there is no bedrock of care and respect let alone love to base it on will eat you up.
This time last year, the year before, the year before and the year before that I was bumping along near rock bottom. Now, although there are bad days basically it is good with me and my DCs.
There is still mess to be sorted out, but it doesn't eat away at me like it did.
This is the one situation in which the grass is definitely greener on the other side - or you can plant your own grass without the fear that someone is going to trample it down for no apparent reason.
But don't be downheartened by not being able to think straight at the moment. Spend time with friends, out with DCs and see how your mood changes without having to consider someone who is sapping your emotional and physical energy

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