feeling so low and lonely

[meandmypickle]

I've started a few threads recently and am 99% sure things can nevr work with me and h. I'm just feeling so lonely and sad atm, just missing chats and "normality" We're only speaking when necessary and it's all so sad
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1356000-Were-these-warning-signs
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1399104-If-it-werent-for-ds
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1395005-Huge-row-recovering-from-surgery

Or maybe train as a teaching assistant

Teaching assistant is a good idea with all the same hours as school.

I used a schoo holiday scheme for my DC which was okay. I wasn't full-time though. Tax credits paid for it. 2 eves a week also used after school club. It all works quite well. Its a bugger when they're ill but we cope.

Just been reading your previous threads again.

I think you've got a hole in your bucket! Every time your H does something nice the bucket is topped up and you feel a bit better..... but there is a hole in the bottom of the bucket/relationship in the form of his abusive side which means that the good feelings are continually draining away leaving you feeling awful again.

There is no remedy for this. You need to chuck the bucket because either the hole will get bigger ie he'll become abusive more frequently and it will be more extreme or the bucket will drain empty and you will feel you can't go on, confidence at rock bottom, very depressed.

There is no hope he will change. Start taking those little steps to plan to get you and DC out in to a better life.

Must go to bed now. Take care. Keep coming back for listening ear/chat.

Instead of posting new threads, stick with this one and let it run for when you're feeling lonely or while you're in the decision making process/working out your options otherwise it can get confusing for those who are unaware of the backstory to your situation.

You know my views and, short of having a personality transplant, there's nothing your h could that would convince me that you and your ds have got any chance of a fulfilling life if you stay with him.

It takes quite a few weeks for the effects of a general anaesthetic to leave the body; use this time to recuperate and gather your strength for what may prove to be a challenging time when you finally take steps to divest yourself of your abusive h - and you know that time has to come sooner rather than later as your h is not a suitable role model for your little ds.

Thanks so much for your replies. Yes, good idea Izzy I'll stick with this thread.
Thanks re comments about anaesthetic too - I don;t feel i can take much more and to make matters worse the early signs are this that operation hasn't achieve its aim either....
I so much hope one day life can be happy and free of physical and emotional pain

It will be happyone day honestly.

But you have to take the first steps....

Things are just getting worse and worse - if i should leave him then surely i should feel happier? And found out today a neighbour has died of cancer - hardly knew her but she has left children and a husband. So sad :(

Anyone there?

You will feel happier once you've gone

At the moment you are still on that rollercoaster of his moods, the latest crap thing he's said to you or done that's brought you down. In these situations one's confidence and esteem get so eroded it's really hard to believe you are a strong capable woman who can look after herself and DCs. Yet it's actually easier without tosser partner continually criticising and making life difficult.

Sorry about neighbour.... life is short.

Have you got anything planned for tomorrow?

I am here, but i am just going out - i am very sorry to hear about your neighbour, that is very sad. But you cannot make yourself feel bad about it, this happens all the time sadly and we just cannot take on other peoples sadness. I know that sounds harsh but you have to look after you.

Can you get out? go for a walk maybe? clear your head? I know what it is like to feel trapped in a cycle of unhappiness, sometiems you have to give yourself little things to enjoy in the here and now. I wish i could say more to help, really i do. I dont know the full story of your DH. Just read above that you want to train to be a TA, thats brilliant, why not set yourself a task of finding out about how to do this - a friend of mine is volunteering at a school in order to do just that. Why not see if you can do something at your DCs school - There is nothing more rewarding than settin yoruself a task and completing it.

There, i've set it for you - find out about the TA courses and what you need to do to put yourself in a position to be on one. xxxx

It sounds horrible, the situation you're in. I was there myself 3 years ago, and after 18 years of the crap I left. I took my (then) 2 yr old DS and moved 300 miles away. Best thing I've ever done. I am so happy hense the nickname, and I can't believe I stuck it out so long. Not saying you should stay or go, but just to let you know things will be better sometime ahead.

Yes, Once I'v recovered more from the op, i'll see if i can do a few hours a week at at ds's school - that should give me an idea of if i'd like to train as a TA. I've got a good day planned for me and ds tomorrow but not 100% sure if h realises he's not invited. Fwiw ds told him i'd like a newsapaer and he did go out to buy me one. w're just not communicating at all excpet when necessary - instsgated by me becasue he has hurt me so so much

Have a good day tomorrow with your DS xxx In the meantime, have a look on the internet about TA training, it may well inspire you

Well at least there must be a little good will there for him buy the paper. But is it enough?

The occasional efforts at 'nice' can be confusing, but they don't really add up to a functional rewarding relationship do they?

Glad you have got something to look forward to tomorrow. Can you do something to lift you a little this evening? Film? Long bath? Chat with a friend?

I'm volunteering at DS school hoping to get a TA job. No qualifications necessary, but things you could do from home, like courses to help on subjects like dyslexia, working with kids etc. My DS is now 5, my ex was abusive and I didn't want DS growing up seeing it. Why didn't I go sooner?

Yes pickgo - he's not all bad by any means. And that's why i often doubt whether leaving is the right thing to do. He does stuff round the house, looks after the garden, diy, takes ds out, earns good money... but there there are the lies and inability to talk properly, shouting, etc

Why not weigh up your options?

You know that you will face the same thing if you stay - he will let you down when you most need support, so you can't depend on him; he will shout and throw strops if you say anything to him he doesn't want to hear; he will do these things in front of your DS.

vs

? Can you find out where you stand financially if you separate? Think about what you would like to do in future/where you would go?

Until you've got something more concrete to go on the future remains too unknown for you to judge where you'd be happiest?

Thanks pickgo.
I've got a fair idea of the financial postion if we separate - will get more info soon. Providing h pays a reasonanle amount of maintenance, along with benefits are my work from home i should be just about ok

in practical terms he nver really lets me down - eg when i've neeed him to take time off for my op, take me to hospital, do stuff in the house,etc there's rarely a problem. he also gives me back rubs when we were "getting on". Its the emotional side and the trust that isn't there

Hejust made me a drink

Anyone there?
My resolve is weakening a bit at the moment - I missing the company and chats. But can i put up with the lack of trust, lack of communication,no sex my choice), horrible temper, how he even intimidated me the day after the op and has made the last 3 weeks of recovery truly awful...

If he is good with practical support then that may be something that woul work for you as part of an amicable relationship further down the line - and you wouldn't be trying to make a bad relationship work, if you see what I mean.

It's also quite likely that you are seeing this as more rosy than it really is because of the fear involved in being poised on the brink of going. Try to stay calm. Can you take a good book to bed and just try to distract yourself till you are ready to sleep?

Got to go to bed now myself but hang in there.

I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship, particularly with a young child, when things just go along and nothing serious happens that would clearly justify it.

You could make of list of reasons for and against, or even try counselling (on your own) to help you come to a decision or how to come to terms with a separation.

You are also in a vulnerable position, because you are not well yourself, but that only adds to the awfulness of being in this relationship. Having a nasty person around may make illness much worse, actually.
TBH, I have a lot of support from family, but I dread being ill and having to take care of DS.
However, should the worst happen, there are loads of single parent families where children help to take care of parents. Even young children can be trained to be fairly self sufficient and responsible. And you should be able to ask support from health authorities.

You are strong and can do it. :)

Thanks Eighties and Lue. yes hopefully he would still help with practical things, and ds if i'm ill if we split up. He does alot with ds at the weekend - he takes him on bike rides, walks, swimming etc. Plays gams with him at home - fr better than i do really. We both have very different roles with ds, which would work fine if it werem't for h's lies, behaviour when angry, communication, etc. It's so sad, i woke up this morning just wishing we could all have bra=eakfast together and go out for the day together :(

i amd having counselling at the moment. have just had to have a break in it becuae of the operation. I 've tried lists but find it impossible as some things have more impirtance than other and it's so har to know how i'd feel if we did split up. This loneliness is so hard and it's getting worse. I think the first few days after the op, i was so tired and uncomforable, loneliness didn't bother me really. Its now been 3 weeks of hardly speaking and its horrible (i know it was me that wouldn't speak to him - becuase i'm so hurt)