Help - sorry another sex issue!

[Qwertymnb]

Hi,

I've been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 children together (plus I have 2 others). I've reached breaking point hence my posting today. The issue on the face of it is a mismatched sex drive. He'd do it every day and me once a week. I feel obligated to have sex as his wife and feel like a failure as I don't desire him like I used to. I think this may be due to a busy life with a stressful job, children and doing up a house but he sees it as a rejection. Or is it the sign of something deeper?? I agreed to have sex 3 times a week and we have been getting on better but I'm feeling resentful about this. I'm scared if I don't satisfy him then he will go elsewhere if someone pays him attention. Rambling on but feel so confused. Not sure what I'm asking. How to sort this out so we're both happy. Is that possible?? Spoke to him this morning and he said we can just do it when I want to........

This is tricky - if it was the other way round & you were the sex starved wife you'd have loads of sympathy but I'm bracing myself for "what a bastard - you don't have to have sex" comments. However I think 3 times a week was a good compromise on your part - at least you tried. What is it about sex that puts you off? Do you enjoy it once you get going? I don't think he's just getting his rocks off - men need to be desired & wanted too but not necessarily every day! What would be good for you both?

Thanks for your reply. You've hit the nail on the head in that he doesn't just want to have sex he wants me to desire him. The simple answer is right now I don't and he can sense that. I find him physically attractive and love him to death. We get along really well for the most part. Recently I haven't enjoyed it as it's felt functional and I feel resentful that he could have sex with me when he knows I would rather not. I want to go to bed and read and go to sleep. It feels like a chore. It's such a tricky one because of all the mixed emotions. I don't want him to feel unsatisfied and frustrated.

Sorry x-posted. I work less hours so do more childcare etc but he is spending every weekend working on the house so is doing his fair share. When I told him that I felt pressurised he said he'd only do it if I want to

I you are constantly tired and busy it's the last thing you feel like, and it sounds like it is adding an extra job or chore to your already busy and overworked day.

How about you discuss with him the following? If he wants sex he needs to meet some needs for you first - let you have an hour uninterupted soaking in a hot bath with your favourite magazine, cook the dinner and clean the kitchen from top to bottom, fold and put away the washing... anything that is going to make you feel more relaxed and happy.

You will be much more inclined to feel sexy and desire him after that! And fgs make sure he gives you some good loving including, erm, full satisfaction. It is not a service you provide to him - it's a two way street! It needs to be something you both look forward to, whether it's for the associated bath/housework, or the act itself.

That's a really tough one. You need to work out why you desire him less now, and see if a different compromise would work. How about loads of affection kissing etc to show you love and fancy him but sex only once a week for a little while to give you the space to relax about it all and get over the resentment. At the same time see if there are any changes you can make to your lifestyle (maybe you need to change the division of jobs around the house not so he does more, but so you both do different) to reduce tiredness and stress leaving you more time and space to feel the old sparks?

You said you still want him and love him so it seems like you should be able to work this out without him feeling rejected and without you feeling like sex is just something to be ticked off the to do list between put washing on and pick up DC2 from swimming club.

Keep talking about it with him so he feels reassured you still want him.

I feel like it's my problem - that there is something wrong with me. I guess i never switch off - if we're eating I'm checking the kid's table manners. If I'm sat watching TV I'm thinking about some problem at work. His job is more go do the hours then forget about it. He doesn't get that I need him to 'get me going' - horrid phrase!! It's a chore for him. Maybe I don't think enough of myself.

No there is nothing wrong with you! I completely understand. Even when I am feeling sexy and full of energy I tell my husband that I need 12 - 24 hours 'notice' to get my head in the right place so my body can follow. Women are wired very differently.

I always think one of the things about the difference between dating and marriage, is that when you are dating you know when you are going to have sex. You know you are seeing your boyfriend on Friday or whatever, so you have several days to think about what you are wearing, feel all excited, and look forward to the sexy stuff. Marriage doesn't give you that sense of anticipation, so it needs to be delivered in another way. Women need it.

Is it possible you could have a weekend away together now and then? Could grandparents have kids? Sitting in a coffee shop all afternoon, long soak in the bath & dressing up for dinner, sexy underwear on & a few glasses of wine would help you relax & he'd feel desired by your efforts. He sounds a good man & isn't bullying you into sex or he wouldn't have agreed to leave it until you want to. But you recognise he wants to be wanted. It's hard to switch off from being a parent in your head or not worry about work etc but time alone would help? Kisses, cuddles & compliments from him would help you feel cherished too.

We have weekend away planned in a few weeks - first one in a year so maybe until then we 'foget' about sex and start again...... Maybe I need to decide in my own head when I'll have sex and work up to it without telling him? It's such a joint thing but feels like it's either him or me in charge. Shift in power I guess is odd. One thing though don't want to do it unless I want to - not out of guilt - that's no good.

Are you on the pill or anti depressants? They can wipe out libido.

I think you should make the move on him, think to yourself that this evening it's going to happen and prepare accordingly. If you are ready for it it may pre empt him approaching you which you find very pressurising.

Stewie - he sees this as a problem with me that needs to be solved. I think we need to work together as it's an us problem!

Herend - not on any pills. He's had a vasectomy. I did say to him I don't have a chance to want it as he's up for it all the time!!

Fanny - very valid points - thanks. I definetly need to shift my thinking. We really aren't spending any quality time together at the moment because of the house. Will be finished soon so maybe that will help.

It is a joint problem because it's a joint activity! It's no one's "fault" if you're both willing to talk about it & try to improve it I think. I agree that when we're single we look forward to seeing our boyfriend & the anticipation of sex is like foreplay in itself.

Might it be the timing? I get so frustrated when we have both worked a full day, run about after kids, got dinner and then fall into bed knackered - and then he starts making noises about wanting sex!
Exhaustion does not = horny
He also has a much higher sex drive than me, probably similar to you - when I suggested 3 times he was happy when he thought I meant per day!
Things that have worked for us are:

• I go in bath after kids are in bed, then I feel nice and clean and ready for sex after and not too tired.
• Quickies in the morning before kids are up
• I go up to bed before him, read something erotic/get myself in the mood
• I am happy to do wanking/blow job as we acknowledge for him it is more a of a quick release
• I want it to be full on. less often & he is happy with quicker but more often so we do some of both
• It also made a big difference to him how often I cuddled him, kissed him, said I loved him/he was sexy

Hope some of these help and believe me you are not alone!

StewieGriffinsMom - you keep saying he is not doing his fair share of the housework and she keeps saying he is

Good point about having a bath - I can't do it unless I'm squeaky clean and feeling fragrantly desirable.

It's hard when the children are little and you're both busy but sex is the one thing that differentiates our relationship from all the others.

Do you know when you're ovulating? That can be peak desire time for lots of women.

"He doesn't get that I need him to 'get me going' - horrid phrase!! It's a chore for him."

Yet he does not see that it is a chore for you to have sex and make him feel desired without any equal input from him?

Have you considered counselling? It is as much his problem as it is yours, and like others say, it is a joint activity. Yet he just blames you and refuse to take any blame, rather than sulking and saying stuff such as "ok, we can do it when you want to".

Does he just want sex to be about you tending to his needs, servicing him as it were and making him feel desired?

He sounds rather selfish and thoughtless.

I agree that he needs to take on some more housework and responsibilities in the home. This should take priority over his chosen diy tasks over the weekend.

Thanks so much for letting me vent. Lots of useful practical advice which I can use. I think he is being thoughtless. We love each other and have a great life together and think we both want to work on this issue. Lots of thought provoking comments. Thanks.