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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - sorry another sex issue!

62 replies

Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 08:14

Hi,

I've been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 children together (plus I have 2 others). I've reached breaking point hence my posting today. The issue on the face of it is a mismatched sex drive. He'd do it every day and me once a week. I feel obligated to have sex as his wife and feel like a failure as I don't desire him like I used to. I think this may be due to a busy life with a stressful job, children and doing up a house but he sees it as a rejection. Or is it the sign of something deeper?? I agreed to have sex 3 times a week and we have been getting on better but I'm feeling resentful about this. I'm scared if I don't satisfy him then he will go elsewhere if someone pays him attention. Rambling on but feel so confused. Not sure what I'm asking. How to sort this out so we're both happy. Is that possible?? Spoke to him this morning and he said we can just do it when I want to........

OP posts:

Original poster

Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 13:38

He was.....

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 16/02/2012 13:47

so the sex is not very good? There's something about it that makes you not like it and so you have gradually wanted it less? Or am I interpreting what you are writing incorrectly?

I wouldn't want to give you any advice incase I am getting the wrong end of the stick.

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 13:50

What would happen if you were to tell him "John, when we met you were an excellent lover. Recently you have turned into a selfish and pretty lousy shag, you even find the idea of trying to please me a chore, so naturally, I am just not keen any more". How do you think he would react to that?

NanettaStocker · 16/02/2012 13:50

I've been here, i think. XH and I rarely did it, I always felt pressured. I asked him to help out more, stop treating me like his Mom, etc. He didn't really do any of those things even when asked.

It wasn't until I was with DP that I realised "oh! that's how it's meant to feel!" I'd have to be tired to the point of being asleep to turn it down, because if I am that tired, he will do all the work. The reason I was trying to escape from it with XH was that I didn't enjoy at all with him, no technique whatsoever.

Would you turn down a foot rub from him if you were exhausted and stressed? Or a massage? Because it should be as nice and relaxing and lovely as that.

For me, it was that combination of feeling loved, respected and supported outside of the bedroom, and actually having a good time in it.

Disclaimer This is just my experience. Other experiences are available. Your experience may be repossessed if you do not keep up repayments.

thebody · 16/02/2012 14:36

I totally disagree last post! U both sound like lovely decent people and this is so commen, u are knackered and of course you are.

Most men would have sex with a raging hangover.

U enjoy that weekend away, lots of hand touching and hugs as well as sex,

It won't always b like this, thankfully kids grow and houses eventually are finished.

thebody · 16/02/2012 14:39

By last post I mean quintessential sorry above not u.

Original poster

Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 17:11

I'm feeling much more positive after offloading on here and hopefully will be able to talk to Dh tonight in a clear way. Am feeling so much happier and will take all the advice on board. I've been divorced and it's certainly nothing like that. Minor blip which we need to talk about before resentments grow.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 18:12

good luck, take strength from the fact that not one person has said you are being unreasonable

it is not your sole purpose to cater to your husband's libido

FetaCheeny · 16/02/2012 20:18

You compromised to three times?
Me and dp are in a very happy relationship but he never gets it 3 times a week and we're childless! Say you want it once a fortnight then offer once a week as the compromise! :o

lescombes · 19/02/2012 12:36

From a bloke POV... it could be the Vasectomy... sounds strange I know but since mine ..I have been up for it all the time but I have learned to control my feelings and DW is happier now... rather than pestering her I have become a "man that does" around the home more and focussed sex on making her the centre of attention and my needs come after she is satisfied....slight drawback sometimes as DW says she can feel a little guilty that she is being pleasured more.... something for you two to chat about I guess

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/02/2012 13:49

Taking sex off the agenda for a while isn't going to work though, imo. You'll just get into the habit of not doing it, and then it's more difficult to start it up again... if that makes any sense!

Jackstini · 19/02/2012 20:34

Hope you managed to talk to him about it Qwerty.
Let us know how you get on

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