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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - sorry another sex issue!

62 replies

Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 08:14

Hi,

I've been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 children together (plus I have 2 others). I've reached breaking point hence my posting today. The issue on the face of it is a mismatched sex drive. He'd do it every day and me once a week. I feel obligated to have sex as his wife and feel like a failure as I don't desire him like I used to. I think this may be due to a busy life with a stressful job, children and doing up a house but he sees it as a rejection. Or is it the sign of something deeper?? I agreed to have sex 3 times a week and we have been getting on better but I'm feeling resentful about this. I'm scared if I don't satisfy him then he will go elsewhere if someone pays him attention. Rambling on but feel so confused. Not sure what I'm asking. How to sort this out so we're both happy. Is that possible?? Spoke to him this morning and he said we can just do it when I want to........

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 11:04

Qwerty seems stressed and overworked. Her mind seems to be on overdrive. This needs to be addressed.

Iloveautumn · 16/02/2012 11:23

We have 3 young kids (all under 6) and sex in the evenings just does not happen for us - I am too tired, but we have started having quickies in the morning at the weekend when all kids are occupied with tv or playing!!
It is working for us at the moment as it means we actually get to have some sex and there is the added frisson of being a snatched opportunity!

Having read the thread though the sense I get from you is that you feel resentful that you feel pushed into sex when you don't really want it and that your dh isn't even focussing on getting you in the mood. In your situation I think I would be maybe thinking about counselling??

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 11:31

You "compromised" to sex 3 times a week ?

That is more than many couples with young children and busy lives do it that aren't having a problem with their sex life

I don't know that your solution is to do it less, but I just wanted to pick up on the "3 times a week" thing

LadyMedea · 16/02/2012 11:37

4 kids and having sex once a week I think is pretty damn good going.... I know that doesn't help the situation but I think your husband needs to be a bit more realistic.

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 11:41

I did compromise to 3. He would do it everyday and me once a week. I think the problem is the mismatch between us. As time goes by I think most couple have less sex than at the start but I think he thinks that because I want it less that I am rejecting him. I think we need some frank honest discussions. Quintess - you're right my mind is in overdrive - think I've lost the ability to relax.

OP posts:
Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 11:42

How can I make him see that there isn't a problem with me and that this is real life?? How do I explain that he is being unrealistic??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 11:44

I would lose the ability to relax too, if I was under pressure to open my legs for fear my husband would go and find sex elsewhere

Your husband is being unfair

If you feel under a subtle threat to put out, no wonder you don't feel sexy

and don't say "he hasn't actually said that" you are obviously feeling it for some reason

there have been times in my life when I haven't had penetrative sex with my husband for up to a year, not once...on no occasion did I ever worry he would "go and find it elsewhere"

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 11:47

is he an unreasonable person in other ways ?

if not, you should be able to talk honestly with him about how he makes you feel, and that any libido you did have would be killed stone-dead by his pressurising of you, and the fact that you worry he will go shag someone else

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 11:51

He is completely reasonable in other ways. I guess I read on here so many times about men cheating as they feel unloved. Sex is the way he feels close to me and loved.

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 11:57

Doing the dishes, or giving you foreplay and ensuring your needs are met should be his way to feel close to you and "loved".

AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 11:59

so to feel close to you, he guilts you into sex when you don't want it

thus pushing you further away, when the resentment at being manipulated builds (as evidenced by this thread)

that's a pretty stupid method he's got going there, isn't it ?

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 12:03

Agreed!! So next........

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 16/02/2012 12:03

it's good you are talking openly about it and good that he can compromise. I am not sure I would be up for it 3 times a week to be honest.

What makes you think he might be the kind of person who would cheat because his desire for you isn't satisfied?

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 12:07

He isn't the kind of guy who would cheat but my insecurities make me think that is what will happen...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 12:09

personally, I wouldn't force myself to have sex I didn't want

but I expect you don't want to hear that

did you say upthread he doesn't bother with foreplay/getting you in the mood ?

did I make that up ?

loopydoo · 16/02/2012 12:22

Maybe because you are both busy with your own things, he simply thinks sex is the quickest route to his own satisfaction. By that I mean that you don't have a lot of spare time so he thinks wham bam.......etc will suffice for you both.

I think you need to take the emphasis off sex to begin with and spend some quaity time together; get someone to have the kids one weekend day and go and help him with the house. He maybe feels like everything is partioned into his jobs and your jobs - make an effort to share it all out a bit more and then you and he can have a paint fight with emulsioning the wall or deep chat whilst varnishing the skirting boards etc.

You don't have to necessarily go away together; just be together as a couple. You could make a nice pic-nic and have a break half way through painting etc to have some bubbly and talk about stuff (not how knackered you are....what's on at the movies/what your mates are up to/where your next holiday might be etc).

I think that in order for you to want to desrire him more, you both need to balance your lives more and you want to feel loved. So lots of touching and kissing on the sofa but no sex afterwards etc.

I'm the opposite to you - DH wants to go to bed every night and sleep at about 9pm and never has the energy for anything else - even a kiss goodnight. Oh well - makes note to take own advice Grin.

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 12:23

I'm no longer having sex if I don't want and have told him so. It made me feel awful and horrid about myself. If we are having sex and I'm not into ithe just gets on with it. If I'm in the mood ( this has dwindled lately) he makes effort but seems like a chore and he doesn't kbow whatto do. Think we've managed to get ourselves to an awful place. Wasn't always like this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2012 12:26

oh dear

counselling ?

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 12:31

Thanks loopydo!! Great ideas. We don't get any us time when we aren't exhausted. We will be finished the house in a couple of months then we'll have all the time in the world :) Counselling not practical.

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 16/02/2012 12:37

oh dear.

He needs to step back and consider his own behaviour. He wants to feel loved and cherished. He needs to have sex with you to achieve this. He is going about this in a very stupid way, it has the opposite of the desired effect.

I bet he also feel very unloved as he is not getting his emotional needs met either, the way he is going about this!

In order for him to be cherished and loved by you, he needs to be considerate and loving in his own behaviour towards you, rather than demanding and sulky. How do you think you can communicate this to him?

He does not sound like an alltogether bad man. Just a bit thoughtless and, well, immature?

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 12:46

He is immature - or maybe i've had more of a life than him! This is his first relationship longer than 2 years. I had one of 12 years before him. I think the best way forward is to take sex completely off the agenda for a while and work on getting back in touch with each other.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 16/02/2012 13:01

Maybe you should go to counselling/sex therapy? He thinks foreplay is a chore but wants sex everyday? Selfish doesn't really cover it.

Does he watch a lot of porn? Just wondering cos he expects you to just get off on him sticking it in... Maybe he needs to read the Joy of Sex or something.

YuleingFanjo · 16/02/2012 13:03

I don't want to read between the lines and give you the wrong advice on something which may not be happening but you say " How do I explain that he is being unrealistic??"... does this mean that although he has compromised to whenever you want to he is still putting some pressure on you for sex more often? From what you say it sounds like he could be.

Original poster
Qwertymnb · 16/02/2012 13:10

When we agreed tp 3 times we both completely stuck to it. I thought doing it more would help but it's made it worse for me.

OP posts:
NanettaStocker · 16/02/2012 13:14

Is he actually any good at it? Even in the early days when you were both up for it?