I'd like to ask for help and advice from those of you who've been betrayed in the past and come out the other side, one way or the other. I don't want to go into details about my DH's affair and the decision I eventually need to make...what I really want to do is understand myself right now.
It's only been 6 weeks since DH told me about it so I know it's early days, but I just wanted to know if the decision that any of you came to regarding staying with him or kicking him out was one that was there deep down from the beginning, or did it take time to form?
My counsellor tells me to expect my feelings to be like a pendulum and to not make any hasty decisions but to give it plenty of time. I understand that, but I also feel in a kind of limbo at the moment. Also wonder if it might be giving me/him/DCs false hope. My instant reaction, perhaps surprisingly to some, was to work through it...he's full of remorse, desperately sorry and vows to change. He's left his job, severed ties with OW and started counselling himself, so I don't doubt his sincerity to make things work.
However, over the weeks I'm feeling his presence to be oppressive. Because he's not working he's around all the time (I work from home), and I feel such a release when I leave the house to go and do something. Then when I return I actually become nervous of the whole situation, shake and feel sick. Every little thing he does annoys me, silly habits that I previously had put up with. At some of these times I've told him to go away for a time to give me space and I really enjoy the first day or so after that when I feel happier, relieved and confident. But after a couple of days I want to see him again and think that I want to work it out with him so he comes back and the cycle starts again. Maybe if he was gone for good this would stop. The DCs are too upset by these comings and goings though, so he's now around full time to keep things more stable for them. We've been very careful about not arguing in front of them, although the eldest (7) is aware something's not right.
In between these ups and downs I actually feel nothing, just numb, and I find myself resorting to extreme measures to feel something, anything...almost to prove it to myself, or to get him to show his feelings. One snowy night I wandered off with no coat, walking as fast as I could...partly to escape the oppression, partly, I think, to see what he would do...of course he came looking. Another time when I was alone in the house and the DCs were with grandparents, I locked him out and wouldn't answer the phone when he rang. I went on like that for about 20 minutes telling myself if he would actually leave a message on the answerphone I would open the door. Eventually he did just that so I let him in, but I think I wanted to let him show how much he cared and how far he'd go. Also wanted to frighten him, which I succeeded in doing.
Not quite sure why I'm rambling so much, perhaps I hope some of you will have behaved like this and can give me some idea of how I can gain control of myself or when I can know which feeling is the right course of action. How can I go from hatred to indifference to 'maybe we can do it' in a few hours? And how can I block out images of the 2 of them together? Just when I've had an alright day, I watch TV and something will remind me of it all over again, or he'll put his arm around me and I'll only visualise it with her. I've even though of hypnosis! Please help, I'm quite strong usually, but not right now.