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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

finding this situation horrendously difficult.

53 replies

Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:03

I have a great relationship with DSS and have done since DH and I got together 11 years ago. He is now 18 and doing well at Uni, has a great social life, job, etc etc. He and DH get on great and often go running together and for a pint etc.

DSS came to see me today (I'm off work this week) and said that he has something he wanted to tell me, was a bit stressed and eventually told me that he's gay. I was mightily relieved because he seemed so worried about it I thought he was ill or something. I couldn't give a rat's ass if he's gay or not, I love him dearly and just want him to be happy.

Now here's the problem. He told me all this then told me that he absolutely could not contemplate telling his dad just now and asked (begged really) me to keep it to myself until he felt he could tell him. I told him that his dad won't care but he's convinced that DH will be horrified and 'disown' him. Incidentally his mum knows and all fine there too.

Now I'd be lying if I said that DH will be clapping his hands in delight but I can honestly say that I genuinely feel that he will be fine with it. I suppose he'll feel that he needs to get used to it but he's not the kind of man to freak out about something like this and above all, he loves his son. Of course, I feel bloody awful about knowing this and not telling DH but I really do not want to break DSS's trust (and I won't), but this is really, really bothering me. Plus, DSS is going to get himself in a right state worrying about it in the meantime.

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
TessTickular · 13/02/2012 22:05

Keep reassuring him.

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:08

I will but then what? DH will be really hurt when he finds out that I kept it from him, but I really feel it's not my place to tell him if DSS really doesn't want me to. Sad

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 13/02/2012 22:08

What a horrible situation to find yourself in Sad. I'd find it desperately hard not to tell dh something like this.

I'm not sure I have the answer but wanted to add my support. I guess what I would do is to try really hard to persuade DSS to tell his dad and to emphasise that he has your full support regardless. And that even if his Dad is a bit thrown initially you know that ultimately it will not bother him due to his love for his son.

Good luck finding a way through this impossible situation

YellowDinosaur · 13/02/2012 22:09

Cross posted.

if you are not going to tell your DH (and I think thats probably the right thing for your DSS if not for you) then personally I don't think it is a good thing for him to know that you knew first. not yet anyway

JustHecate · 13/02/2012 22:10

If you break his confidence he will never trust you again
If your husband finds out you knew and didn't say anything, he's going to be really upset

god knows how you handle it!

I am sorry, that is monumentally unhelpful Blush

I think all you can do is talk to him, reassure him that his dad loves him and that will never change.

Would it be manipulative to say how hurt his dad would be to know that his son felt he couldn't tell him? I think it would be good for him to think of his dad's feelings, but equally that could be seen to be emotional blackmail, which is the last thing he needs!

Can you talk to his mum about it? perhaps the two of you sit down with him and reassure him that his dad is not going to disown him?

How do you think his dad will react? If he tells him face to face, is he likely to blow up initially?

Is there any way you could say look, if it's hard for you to tell your dad and you are worried about his initial reaction - I'll tell him for you and then you won't have to deal with that?

I think you'd be best served by talking to the lesbian and gay foundation, or some other group who can give you good advice?

squeakytoy · 13/02/2012 22:11

I would say to your stepson that you wont tell his dad, but that you would be happy to do it for him if he would like you to, or be there to support him when he tells him.. if his mum already knows, then it is unfair for him to keep it from his dad as he is going to find out at some point, and be hurt that he was kept in the dark when everyone else knew.

troisgarcons · 13/02/2012 22:12

I think he's been unfair in asking you to keep a secret.

Your first loyalties are as a wife.

Do you think he actually wants you to tell your husband for him? and thats why he's put you in this position?

TBH I would just be putting both of them in the same room and let your step son tell his faather, sooner rahter than later.

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:13

I know Yellow so I'm going to have to pretend that it's news to me too then. Then I won't just be omitting to tell him that I knew, I'll be lying too but I don't know what else to do. It can't have been easy for DSS to tell me and the last thing I want is to make things worse for him.

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 13/02/2012 22:14

Your dh sounds like a reasonable man, surely he will appreciate the situation you found yourself in/ respect you for keeping an important confidence (when he sees the bigger picture). That's great also that your DSS trusts you enough to confide in you, what a wonderful relationship you must have :)

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:17

I spoke to his mum this afternoon and she's worried about it as well. She and DH have a really good relationship and she doesn't feel comfortable not telling him either but agreed that he should tell him himself.

I did offer to tell DH for him but he didn't want me to do that either. I don't think DH will blow up initially, I think he may be a bit shocked but that's all. He won't be angry that DSS is gay, but he will be angry if he finds out that everyone else knew apart from him and I don't blame him really.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 13/02/2012 22:17

Your DH is still my hero - so I am sure he will be fine :)

If you told your DH, could you trust him not to say anything and allow himself to 'be told' by his DS? Do you think 'forewarned' would enable DH to react better when his DS tells him? Not saying he'd react badly, but I think if it were me I'd prefer a heads up so I could get my own head around it and say the 'right' thing as it's so important. (I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I'd probably say something more supportive if I had time to think about it first).

If you don't want to do this then I think you just need to keep talking to DS and keep reassuring him that you know your DH well enough to know what he will say/think... tell him that he trusted you enough to tell you, he needs to trust you about this too. Maybe even explain to him what a difficult position you are in now, where you are keeping secrets from your husband, about his child and it feels very wrong.

crystalglasses · 13/02/2012 22:22

Next time you dss is home tell him that he has to tell his father. Tell him that at dinner time, that you will go out of the room for 15 minutes during which time he must tell him; if he hasn't told him by the time you came back into the room, you will tell him yourself. If he wants, you can rehearse with him what and how he's going to say it. He might not like it but he will be glad he's done it. This sounds harsh but if your dh is really likely to be ok about it, it's the only way.

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:23

Chipping I really could do with some dull sometimes! Grin It seems like one thing after another just now.

I'm going to talk to DSS again tomorrow and let him know how I feel. I will totally support him when he talks to his dad and I do understand that this is a big thing for any lad to tell their own father but DH is a good, kind man and he'd never do anything to hurt DSS. God I need a drink.

OP posts:
Busyoldfool · 13/02/2012 22:23

Agree with what has been said. All credit to you that DSS felt that he could tell you - and wanted to tell you because he knew he cd trust you and that you wd support him. Keep gently persuading him - but agree it wd be best if that were sooner rather than later and that DH didn't know that you knew first.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 13/02/2012 22:23

I think that if it does come to him feeling everyone knew but him, you just have to remind him that as a boy/man - telling your Dad has to be the hardest thing to do and that he probably needed to say it out loud to a few other people first. No matter what it is, it's horrible to feel you aren't the child/adult your parents thought you'd be or wanted you to be. He knows it changes the landscape and it's scary, poor kid.

SeaweedNK · 13/02/2012 22:24

My DN came out to me and DH almost 2 years before he felt able to tell his DM (my much older DSis). I felt sad that he felt he couldn't tell her but respected his wishes and supported him until he felt the time was right for him to tell her and the rest of our family. She is a lovely caring mum who adores DS - he is her life and nothing he could ever do or say would stop her loving him. I told him this many times over this period. He just needed to feel ready.

The hardest part for me was the phone call from my DSis when she told me his 'news' and I had to pretend I didn't already know. I felt like I was being deceitful and dishonest but if she thought DS had told me first it would have destroyed her.

A few years on and it's all water under the bridge but it was a stressful time. You have my sympathies OP.

crystalglasses · 13/02/2012 22:25

The sooner your dh knows the better. If it were me and mine I would tell my dh so we could develop a strategy betwen us to enable my dss to 'tell' him.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 13/02/2012 22:26

crystalglasses blimey. It is not the only way and that's a horrible thing to do to the poor kid.

Megs - WineWineWine It's pretty boring here - but actually, I think I can live with that Grin

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:27

God I couldn't stand a couple of years Seaweed I feel bad enough after a couple of hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:28

Very happily accepting the Wine Chipping. I don't want to let either of them down. I don't want to be a bad stepmother or bad partner.

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 13/02/2012 22:31

Yes, chipping, I know it's horrible but I bet it would be a relief to him to have it over and done with.

Pandygirl · 13/02/2012 22:31

Okay a slightly different situation, but my BIL told me he was gay before he told any of the rest of his family.
He asked me to tell his brother (DH), but begged me to make sure that no-one else found out.
DH was devasted that his brother hadn't trusted him enough to tell him, but then immediately turned round and told his mum. (Which BIL was eventually happy about, but I felt betrayed a confidence).
FIL wasn't told for 15 years, but clearly knew (BIL was living with his partner for 20 years by that point).
It's sad that he doesn't think his dad will support him, could you tell DH and ask him not to let on, but be clear that being gay is an acceptable choice? (I'm convinced that's what MIL did).

Original poster
Megatron · 13/02/2012 22:34

That's the thing though Pandy I'm not concerned about DH's reaction, he knows being gay is an acceptable choice. I just want DSS to tell his dad and not have the secrecy.

My battery is dying so will catch up in the morning if there are any further posts. Thanks to anyone who has replied.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 13/02/2012 22:35

I'm thinking along the same lines as Troisgarcons. A couple who are good friends of mine have one big rule in their marriage. That is, whatever anyone wants to confide in them is cool but first they must accept that they will never keep it from their spouse. It will go no further but they do not have secrets in their marriage. That doesn't mean that as soon as they are told something they go rushing to tell their spouse but that if it arises or if it's important they will confide in the other half. It works for them and is something I've learned from them and works for us too. My other half would be more upset that I was keeping secrets from him than he would be to learn of the information itself and whats more I don't think it's fair of someone to ask you to keep something from your DH when it involves him too.

manicinsomniac · 13/02/2012 22:40

Wow, I don't think it was fair of your stepson to put you in that position.

I don't know what I'd do. Maybe say that I would keep the secret very briefly but only on the proviso that he tells him before a certain date or I would tell him myself.

Or I might ask him not to tell his dad that you already knew and pretend his sexuality is news to you when your husband tells you.

You could offer to go and tell him with your stepson as a moral support.

Actually, I think I'd try that last option first.