finding this situation horrendously difficult.

[Megatron]

I have a great relationship with DSS and have done since DH and I got together 11 years ago. He is now 18 and doing well at Uni, has a great social life, job, etc etc. He and DH get on great and often go running together and for a pint etc.

DSS came to see me today (I'm off work this week) and said that he has something he wanted to tell me, was a bit stressed and eventually told me that he's gay. I was mightily relieved because he seemed so worried about it I thought he was ill or something. I couldn't give a rat's ass if he's gay or not, I love him dearly and just want him to be happy.

Now here's the problem. He told me all this then told me that he absolutely could not contemplate telling his dad just now and asked (begged really) me to keep it to myself until he felt he could tell him. I told him that his dad won't care but he's convinced that DH will be horrified and 'disown' him. Incidentally his mum knows and all fine there too.

Now I'd be lying if I said that DH will be clapping his hands in delight but I can honestly say that I genuinely feel that he will be fine with it. I suppose he'll feel that he needs to get used to it but he's not the kind of man to freak out about something like this and above all, he loves his son. Of course, I feel bloody awful about knowing this and not telling DH but I really do not want to break DSS's trust (and I won't), but this is really, really bothering me. Plus, DSS is going to get himself in a right state worrying about it in the meantime.

How do I deal with this?

I don't think your DH is going to be too upset that you knew before he did. He might be more upset that his son couldn't tell him first.

This is something you should keep as a secret and let your DSS tell his dad in his own time.

I do sort of understand how your DSS feels. I came out to my mum before I told my dad and TBH if she had told my dad or forced me into a situation where I had no choice but to tell him I am honestly not sure I would have forgiven her. Certainly not for a long time anyway.

You might be certain that your DH will be OK with it (and you are probably right) but your DSS isn't and the absolute fear that you are about to be rejected by one of the most important people in your life is terrible. Just keep reassuring him that you are certain his dad will be OK and that you will support him no matter what. Chances are he won't wait too much longer to tell him as he has already told other family members now, especially if you encourage him to say something. The only thing I would look out for is if he is showing clear signs of not wanting to talk about it don't push it. I don't know how long your DSS has been sure he is gay but he may still be getting his own head round it if he hasn't been sure himself for too long.

While your DH will probably be upset you knew first, I'm sure once he has had time to think about it he will understand why you didn't tell him. I'm fairly sure your DSS would see it as a major betrayal if you did, and that would end up having a huge impact on the family dynamic. This is assuming he tells him fairly soon though, if this drags on for months then I think that will change things as it isn't fair to expect you to keep quiet that long. For a few weeks I would give him the benefit of the doubt though and try to let him tell his dad in his own time.

You definitely should not break your promise to DSS. Your DH will know soon enough. I would be more upset that my DH had betrayed a promise to our son than to find out he knew something about him before me. I would be so happy that a stressed out teen had found someone they could confide in that it would never enter my head to be upset that perhaps that someone wasnt me. I also think the concept of not keeping secrets in a marriage does not apply to this kind of situation.

If you tell your DH, you really could lose the fantastic relationship you clearly have with your DSS. Please think about this very carefully indeed. He is anxious and needs support. He does not need your betrayal. Keep the channels of communication open with him - let him know that you are there for him and by all means gently encourage him to talk to your DH. Don't forget that DSS is coming to terms with a monumental element of his being, not just whether or not he tells his dad (and let's face it, he is 18 years old...ain't nobody's business but his own who he chooses to have a relationship with).

I hope you find the strength to do what's right here.

could you help your dss to write a letter to his dad? Then your dh will have time for the news to sink in. Your dss could praise his dad, and say how he loves him and even loves you enough to tell you this news, and that you are supporting him as is his mum, and he is so grateful to have you all in his life, but that this is such a big deal for him he wants to put it in writing? Something like that?

It is really not fair of your dss to expect you to keep it a secret from your husband, he was being very selfish by asking you to do that. It's understandable, but still selfish.

I would tell him that you cannot keep the secret for longer than a week, so he needs to tell him himself or you will.

Wow, what an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I can see why coming out to your father must be intimidating for a gay man but you are being put in an horrendous situation.

I guess all you can do is keep reassuring dss that you know dh loves him absolutely, that nothing he could do would ever change that, and that dh isn't a homophobe - that he doesn't have any issues with people being gay (sounds as if doesn't). And maybe keep talking to dss's Mother so she reassures him about telling his Dad, too.

I don't know, but I'd like to think if when he's older ds tells dh something before telling me, I'd appreciate that dh kept faith with ds even if that did mean keeping something from me for a while. Hope I'd manage to look at it that way.

I wonder whether there are any organisations or groups that could offer advice - maybe Stonewall? Probably not as they are more campaigning for equal rights, but I wonder if they could suggest any organisation that could offer you support and talk about the way these things have worked out in other families?

I understand how your DSS feels.

He is trusting you.

Of course he knows that his dad needs to know at some point. But anyway, like you say, what's the big deal? If he had a new girlfriend and asked you to keep it under wraps for a bit, would there be the big faux drama?

He's gay. So?

I would be pleased that my DSS wanted to talk to me; and if I had a husband who freaked out at a sequence of conversations I wouldn't be too impressed with the husband.

The problem your DSS will have in life in not being gay but in some other people's reactions to his being gay. Such as people using expressions like 'hiding it from ...'.

He has told his mum, now you. He is poised to tell your DH certainly. Wait a bit, keep supporting and hopefully he will become comfortable in telling dad.

In your shoes I would not be requesting he 'fess up before he is ready. Though he has told you before, in some ways it still isn't really your business to direct things. Oh not that you have suggested it is...just saying.

When my ds came out he asked me to tell his Dad. I did and his dad then went straight to him and discussed it. He made sure ds knew he could of told him. Ds even said to me he knew his dad would be ok but just couldnt bring himself to say it out loud. He was 14 but i guess its the same worry whatever age. I would def encourage him to speak to his dad and maybe ask him if you should tell him? I dont think it matters who tells him as long as he knows and is in the loop. Im immensly proud of my son and im sure his dad will be of you dss as well.

Can I just say that coming out for some people is highly emotional and difficult. Even if it is to the most understanding person in the world. I came out to my best friend who told me he had know for years! but even though I trusted him completely and he himself was gay. It was still really hard. I have sympathy for your dss.

I told my db before my family. He respected my wish to tell them in my own time. Which was less than a month. But it was important I take those steps. He has taken a huge step telling you. Please give him time to tell his dad. Putting pressure on him could make it worse. He has put you in a hard situation and it is for you. He has set foot out the closet and it gets easier with each person you tell. I hope for your sake
It's sooner rather than later. Keep reassuring him your dh will be fine and that he has put you in a difficult situation but that you will let him do it in his own time. It's easy to say Being gay is no big deal(and it's not) but coming out is. Goodluck!!!

Of course you must not tell your DH and I'm surprised at those who advocate it. To do so would be to break your DSS's trust and potentially ruin your relationship with him. He will immensely value your discretion and trust if you keep your promise.
To those who suggest her DH will be upset or disappointed that he didn't know first - is he a child? Are you really suggesting that an adult man will be upset that he wasn't the first to know something? He will have far more respect for you for having kept the secret.
Keep reassuring your DSS that his father will have no problem with it and that you're there for him when he chooses to tell. My brother told me 3 years before my parents and when he finally told them they couldn't really have cared less (in the nicest possible way) and I think they'd probably guessed anyway. You may find that your DH already knows, subconsciously or otherwise.

Agree with those who say if is unfair of him to ask you to keep this a secret from your dh. Ask to see him and tell him this and give him a week to tell him?

runningwilde - so if I understand correctly you're suggesting the OP gives a highly emotional and possibly insecure young man an ultimatum that she will reveal his secret - a secret that it probably took him months to reveal to her -to his father because she thinks it's "unfair" to keep a secret?
Words fail me.

Not a nice situation to be in, but you must keep his confidence. I completely disagree with others who say that you should give him a time limit to tell himself - it is absolutely up to your DSS to decide how to handle his relationship with his father.

Personally, I would deal with this by refusing to make it into too big a deal. I'd say to the DSS, "I love you and will honour your confidence, but you have to know that it makes me feel very awkward to be asked to keep this secret from dh. I won't say anything, because I assume at some point you will tell him yourself. I hope that will be in the short term, and I'm happy to help in any way I can. You need to know that dh will be really upset with me if this goes on for years and he finds out that I knew, so please find a way of telling him soon. I hope you'll help me, too, by not telling dh that you told me first."

If dh does find out, I'd simply say, "My understanding was that DSS was working his way up to telling you. I wasn't keeping something from you, I was honouring DSS's desire to get the timing right. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I promise you that at all times my priority has been your relationship with DSS".

What an incredibly difficult position you are in. I totally agree with others though- you should not tell DH.

I think if I were in your shoes, once DH found out I would explain your dilemma, tell him you did all you could to persuade DSS to tell his dad (without pressuring him), and that DSS made it clear that he wanted to tell his dad himself. I think your DH will understand.

I personally would not tell your dh; it is up to your son to do that. You have been put in a difficult position but I do understand your son's concerns even though your dh is no doubt a great bloke. I will understand if you kept the secret from him. Just try to reassure your stepson but it's not like he's told you he's in danger or something is it so you really shouldn't tell. Let him do it in his own time. He's coming out gradully and I really don't see why you have this burning urge to tell your dh anyway; it's not really even any of your business who he likes to shag. You are priveledged that he trusts you enough to confide.
I don't mean to understand harsh as you sound like a lovely step mum.

He will undestand sorry.

Agree with apologies - definitely no place for an ultimatum. There's no need to over dramatise the situation. The OPs DSS just needs time. It's his decision and no-one elses.

agggr typos!

sound harsh. It's late.

I don't think it unfair of him not to tell at all. It's his private life and should be disclosed to whom he so wishes. If he dosn't want to tell his dad so what? It's not a crime you know.

Agree with apologies

Hello Megatron,
We are going to move this to R'ships as it's not really AIBU and will change your thread title accordingly.

Thanks
M Towers

I'm upset by all the posters who see this as some kind of dark secret.

Try thinking it of it as a nice secret instead.