Potential affair - Am I doing the right thing? What should I do?

[ProPerformer]

I am currently happily married with one DS. I work as a TA in a school and am really good friends with one of the teachers I work with who is also happily married with kids.
The thing is, we are always flirting with eachother which was harmless enough, but recently I have realised that I have been starting to have feelings for him.
I love my husband to pieces and there's no way I'd want anything to happen with this other man, but I get butterflies in my tummy every time I see him which I don't with my DH. I've also started to dream about us having an affair.
I'm not acting on these feelings at all as know they will only cause pain and have turned down my part in the flirting by a lot. I can't avoid him as being a TA it would mean having to explain why, especially as other collegues know we are friends, I also don't want to loose the best friend I have among my collegues because of some stupid feelings which I don't intend to act on (though sometimes I do get tempted)

What should I do? I don't want to have an affair (and sure he doesnt feel the same) but...

Why are you hugging him? Leave the man alone.

I think you are already having an emotional affair and I can tell you, they can be devastating too. Don't do this to your husband or this man's wife. Don't take it any further - this is real life - it needs to stop NOW.

What ameliagrey said.
You sound rather pathetic actually.

There is nothing at all wrong with being matey and close to a colleague and sharing miseries about family, work etc etc- and even having a quick arm round the shoulder and a "Chin up mate...!" but if these hugs entail long embraces and him pressing his erection into you then that is not on.
You know this anyway- or why ask?

God, some of you are so holier-than-thou, it's unbelievable.

OF COURSE SHE KNOWS SHE SHOULDN'T BE HAVING AN AFFAIR. She's not! She's seeking advice before it happens. She's seeking advice on how to pull back from it, and how to find her husband again.

What's all this 'the children should come first, never mind your flirting' shit? At work, whatever your job is, it should come before flirting - but you can't tell me that people in an office/social workers/police/doctors don't flirt ever, that's ridiculous.

Climb down off your high horses, ffs. This is relationships, not AIBU.

What should I do? I don't want to have an affair (and sure he doesnt feel the same) but...

It's the "but" that says it all.

I can't help feeling that the Op wanted some kind of back up here-saying it was all okay as long as she kept certain boundaries in her head.

I am not on a high horse. What I am saying is that she has already crossed a line with the secret hugs which she knows are out of place.

I really don't know why she asked what to do. I'ts bleedin' obvious!

In fairness, amelia, it's not the actual advice that's bothering me - it's all the 'perhaps you should concentrate on the children that neeeeed you' stuff. Her job is irrelevant.

No I certainly do not want backup - I want OUT from even the idea of an affair, but want to see if it possible without loosing the OM as a friend!

The hugs are 'real hugs' but no more than I'd give any of my other friends; I'm just concerned about how they may be viewed.

Anyhows the flirting with OM stops now!! My half term with OH starts now!! :D

You need to start thinking of him as a colleague not a friend.

You won't lose him as a colleague- but anything else is risky. If you get butterflies when he is around then I think colleague is the way to go. You will find it very hard to stay emotionally intimate as close friends if you also fancy him.

And you did say his hugs were lingering- not what you'd do with girl friends, I imagine.

Oh and one more thing- any hugs will be viewed in the way you don't want them to be.

I've worked in schools a lot and men/women tend not to hug each other unless they are in a relationship- and even then, not in the workplace . You sound a little naive, tbh.

Pro- good luck and enjoy half term. Don't worry about what other people think too much but just think about why it is an issue- I think for you to be worrie dthere must be something there. And the longer even the potentioal of a thought is there, the harder it is to shake

The hugs aren't the same as you'd give your friends even if they look the same, because you have this flirtation going on and are aware of an attraction, don't kid yourself on.

I'm glad you're resolved to stop and are going to focus on your dh.

If you really don't know what you'd say if he launched the 'if only things were different...' line, then practise and rehearse this:

'If things were different, I would just want to be colleagues who have a professional relationship and that's all'

And make sure your body language and other behaviour backs it up.

What should you do?

Don't do or say anything that you wouldn't do or say with your dh in the same room at the time. Would you flirt with your colleague if your dh was present. Would you hug him the same, lingering way? If not, that tells you it's inappropriate and you need to stop doing it.

Exactly.Think how you would like your DH to behave with one of his colleagues.Friendly,supportive but professional I guess.At least you've recognised this could potentially cross boundaries.
A couple of years ago my DH used to chat about 2 women he worked with.One I had met quite often ,and the other only a couple of times.I used to jokingly refer to them as his 'girlfriends' so trusting was I.The first used to send the jokey texts as they support the same footie team,but often when she knew I'd be around and they are still friends today.The second he started to mention much less often,then not at all and I just assumed she was working elsewhere.Turns out they were getting really close, spending lunchtimes together and texting out of work,but always when I was less likely to be there.
Well the hurt of finding out about this secret friendship and the fact she told him she loved him and all sorts of personal stuff was immense.Even though not a physical affair it did a lot of damage to us and she has since split from her partner.We are still together but I will never forget it.
When I hear anyone now so flirting is just a bit of fun makes me angry and sad.Yes overt and friendly banter is one thing,but really sustained and heavy duty flirting is self-indulgent and disrespectful to your DH if you love him.Enjoy your half term and cherish what you've got at home.

Something nobody else has mentioned is that you are not being honest with yourself about the sort of bloke this man is. I mean come on, do you really think that a truly lovely bloke would flirt behind his wife's back and risk his family by coming on to a colleague? Take off the rosy spectacles and see him as being the sleaze he is.

Do you honestly think you are so lovely that you are the only thing that has ever made him stray from the path of righteousness... or is it actually more likely that he is a bit of a creep who has tried it on with a few women on the side over the years? At least you have the sense to hang back and ask questions about where you are going. Sounds like he has none of these normal checks and balances, which doesn't say much for him, does it?

Next time he tries to touch you, move away. Talk to him about how great your husband is, and try to ask him about his wife (positively) - how did they meet, etc? See how comfy that makes him. And imagine the worst case scenario - two shattered marriages, a handful of miserable children who won't thank you for what you did once they are old enough to grasp it, and you without a job - because the school won't look kindly on a relationship like that and it's easier to sack a TA than a teacher. Good luck!

I think that's a bit OTT Abedelia.

Lots of people flirt and it's harmless- it doesn't make them sleaze buckets.

What worries me is that the OP already has an emotional attachment . her question talks about a "potential affair" in the offing, which is a biiiiiiiiig step on from a bit of harmless office banter.

Flirting is by its very nature, something people do in full knowledge that there are boundaries- and most of the time they don't overstep the mark.

OP- I think it is very hard to remain friends with a man you really fancy as well. Platonic friendships usually work if both people don't fancy each other- otherwise it tends to be unrequited love orlust, and lots of "if only"s.

Hmmm, sorry Amelia - have to disagree. He knows she's married, yet tells her she's gorgeous and tries to linger with the hugging? Bit more than normal flirting I'd say, hence that fact it seems sleazy. He's trying to take it to the next level and make her very aware of what he wants, whereas OP seems to be fending him off. Agree with your take on a platonic relationship though - she needs to go cold turkey and make her position very plain.

I thought by flirting you meant a bit of banter, laughing at his jokes. If you are hugging lingeringly, that's not flirting, that's something else and not a friendship (pretty sure I don't have any physical contact with any men ever at my work!)

You need to forget being friends if you want to have a good marriage. This is not a supportive friendship.

Hmmm I was going to say a good old fashioned flirt harms no one then I carrried on reading and this is clearly more than that.

If you really want to stop this in its tracks I would tell your husband you are tempted. Its natural to be tempted by other men when you are in a long relationship and unrealistic to think you will never find another man attractive, its what you do with it that matters. Get it out in the open and it will lose its mystery.

I am a man who had an affair that destroyed his first marriage. I have also had partners who cheated on me, so I've seen it from both sides. Everything you say rings alarm bells for me. I've said those things myself.

I used the "don't want to lose her as a friend" justification to myself in the run up to the affair and I know one of my partners used the same justification before cheating on me. Believe me, that is just a way of telling yourself it is ok to hang onto something which, for the sake of your marriage, you must end. Now.

This man is a colleague. You must treat him as such. Nothing more. That may upset him if he is attracted to you in the same way but he will get over it. So will you. Maybe one day you can be friends again when all the feelings have gone in a couple of years or so. But not now.

There may be a crisis when you stop the friendship. He may open up about his feelings for you. He may tell you that he doesn't want to lose you as a friend and that you can just be friends without endangering your marriages. If he does, he will be wrong. You must be strong.

It is too late to think about strategies for defusing the situation. This has already gone too far. How do you think your husband would feel if he knew about the lingering hugs?

I'm sorry but you cannot be friends with this man. End it. Now.

If you cannot end your friendship you will end up having an affair with this man. So you must choose. You can have this man as a friend or you can keep your marriage. You cannot have both. If you try you will end up seriously hurting your husband and children, his wife and his children.

It is this man or your husband. I'm afraid there is no other way.

I agree with bridge.

This is a colleague with whom you want to have sex/a relationship, not a friend.

If, as you say, you want your husband, and marriage, you will talk to your colleague on Monday and tell him you are going to stop all flirting, you feel you have been disrespectful to your husband and will be acting only in a professional manner from now on.

If he is a decent bloke he will understand and respect this.

You make no mention of ever meeting/seeing this man out of the work sphere.

Could it be that you have built it up more in your head than it is(?)

I just noticed you mention your DH iis out of work so likely feeling stressed and insecure which will make this other man seem more attractive as well so just be aware of that, you are more vulnerable at the moment.

I stupidly talked to the OW in my Dh's 'inappropriate friendship'.Whilst she a knowledges the amount of texting and sexually suggestive stuff was wrong she seemed convinced that months of flirting was 'just a bit of fun' and as done under the noses of colleagues at work was all ok.
What does she think lead to the crossing of boundaries in the first place?At least my DH was able to see in hindsight how he'd been self-indulgently allowing them to get too close.I got the opinion she was annoyed that I was not happy for them to remain friends in any circumstances,and luckily my DH was able to reorganise work fast to avoid contact with her or not sure we would be together today.
My DH was always a bit of a flirt,as are some of my friends,but I trusted him so much that it rarely made me annoyed and often amused me. Sadly no more.

stargazy The 'OW' was a friend of mine. She blamed me. I hadn't outright told her not to flirt with dh so she assumed it would be ok. Strangely enough I didn't warn her a) because they BOTH should have known it was wrong and b) I wasn't aware of the flirting until it had been going on for a while.

I ended up working with her for 5 years. She took that as a sign to back off completely. Although there is a possibility she could become ds's TA in a year or two and I am not sure I can handle that.