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Original poster

Potential affair - Am I doing the right thing? What should I do?

79 replies

ProPerformer · 11/02/2012 09:25

I am currently happily married with one DS. I work as a TA in a school and am really good friends with one of the teachers I work with who is also happily married with kids.
The thing is, we are always flirting with eachother which was harmless enough, but recently I have realised that I have been starting to have feelings for him.
I love my husband to pieces and there's no way I'd want anything to happen with this other man, but I get butterflies in my tummy every time I see him which I don't with my DH. I've also started to dream about us having an affair.
I'm not acting on these feelings at all as know they will only cause pain and have turned down my part in the flirting by a lot. I can't avoid him as being a TA it would mean having to explain why, especially as other collegues know we are friends, I also don't want to loose the best friend I have among my collegues because of some stupid feelings which I don't intend to act on (though sometimes I do get tempted)

What should I do? I don't want to have an affair (and sure he doesnt feel the same) but...

OP posts:
SnapSnafu · 11/02/2012 11:00

The trouble is, your colleagues may see your flirting/rapport and assume there's more to it, and before you know it, you're the subject of gossip (you'll not know this till way down the line) and that in itself will be troublesome to both your marriages.

I think getting to know his wife/him getting to know your dh is a great idea if you can manage it.

QuintessentialyHollow · 11/02/2012 11:02

I would not be surprised if other teachers or tas, or the head, have noticed something, and will be keeping an eagle eye on the situation.

To be realistic, if the head decided she needed to get rid of one of you, who do you think it would be?

QuintessentialyHollow · 11/02/2012 11:03

Spending time as a couple with this man and his wife is not a good idea. Poor partners, engineered to spend time together because their spouses are lusting after the other one. How seedy.

TooEasilyTempted · 11/02/2012 11:07

we are always flirting with eachother which was harmless enough
Harmless enough? Evidently not Hmm

have turned down my part in the flirting by a lot.
Try turning it down more, like to the point of NOT flirting at all.

Your colleagues already think there is something going on between the two of you, I can guarantee it. Don't kid yourself that they don't. And if you carry on with this 'harmless' flirting, which is basically encouraging him to think there is a possibility that something might happen, it's only a matter of time before your DH realises something has changed with you and the way you interact with him, because, trust me, it either has already or it will if you carry on.

Charbon · 11/02/2012 11:08

The effect of affairs is dreadful, but I think it's dangerous to think that only weak, foolish or evil people have them. Thinking like this is a vulnerability in itself, because people kid themselves all the time that as they are not 'bad people' having a flirt, or an 'innocent' drink, or a text exchange is okay and they would never move to the dark side. When they do, they often say "I don't know how this happened".

It happened because we are all fallible and not immune to temptation, however much we love our partners and are happy at home. Better to acknowledge that humanity and put some barriers in place, rather than delude ourselves that they are not necessary because we are 'good people'.

ClaraSage · 11/02/2012 11:09

And parents and goveners alike don't approve of this behaviour in a school. You are supposed to be role models.

TooEasilyTempted · 11/02/2012 11:11

As for spending time with him as couples, with his DW and your DH, bad idea.

Would you tell your DH and his DW the reason why you want to spend time together as couples, i.e. you're using them to try and 'diffuse' your feelings for each other?

Because unless you tell them the real reason you want to all spend time together, then imo that's as deceitful and damaging as carrying on as you are.

QuintessentialyHollow · 11/02/2012 11:15

One of the TAs in my sons old school embarked on an affair with one of the dads. You can imagine what the other parents and the other colleagues thought of that.... (They literally referred to her as a whore - not nice of course.)

He left his wife for the TA. The wife is a friend of mine. She was devastated. Had a breakdown and was signed of sick from her work as nurse for nearly a year, with depression. The kids dont want to see their dad, but they have to, they have normal visitation at the home their dad has made with the ta. The youngest very confused, as he was in the same class as the TAs daughter. His behaviour (he was 5 at the time) changed dramatically. Of course, they had to sell the home, and my friend is now living in a small block of flats. But she is slowly getting her zest for life back.

nkf · 11/02/2012 11:20

Stop flirting and concentrate on planning lessons. That's what you're paid for. Honestly.

2blessed2bstressed · 11/02/2012 11:36

You've got a crush. With no "fanning the flames" from either of you it should pass quite quickly. So stop with the flirting altogether. But don't feel too bad about yourself, some posters have been very harsh - you haven't acted on it, and you don't intend to, so let it go!
Spend a bit of time doing something nice with your dh over the weekend.

ilovemyteddy · 11/02/2012 12:35

OP - Charbon's questions to you at the bottom of page 1 of this thread are really important questions for you to ponder on. Any or all of those behaviours she listed mean that you are preparing to give yourself permission to cheat on your DH, if the opportunity arises.

As she says in her next post, we can all be open to temptation, despite being in a happy relationship with our primary partner and you need to think very seriously about resetting your boundaries with this colleague, regardless of whether you have acted on it, or intend to.

Original poster
ProPerformer · 11/02/2012 13:27

Thanks for all the replies.

TBH I'm going through a very stressful time with DH at mo (he's not working after redundancy and feeling stressed out) so I'm sure that's not helping! Think I may just try to do less planning with this teacher so we are alone together less and maybe telling him that I'm now finding the flirting too much and I want it to stop completely for both of us. I'm not prepared to take risks.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 11/02/2012 15:06

Oh get a grip for goodness' sake. You are an adult woman not a child. people flirt all day long in the workplace- but that's all it is. If you are not as happy as you protest you are, then change that- but stop being so silly over this man.

ameliagrey · 11/02/2012 15:08

I hadn't read right to the end of your post...now I have, I think you'd be an idiot to tell him the flrting is too much- the flirting could be all in your head- or one-sided. Why on earth would you want to make him feel uncomfortable and make yourself look a fool? Just start behaving in a more professional manner and he will soon get the message. Or, if you must say something to him I suggest "I am a married woman! You should not forget that!"

Abitwobblynow · 11/02/2012 17:29

Listen, it is a slippery slope and VERY addictive.

The flirting makes you feel happy, alive, fun, admired and wanted. You want a little bit more, and a little bit more...
Each time, boundaries get crossed without you even being aware of it and before you know it:

Listen to Teddy and Charbon. It is normal to be attracted to other people, you wouldn't have a pulse if you weren't. But don't act on it. It would be the biggest mistake of your life, the pain and humiliation is huge.

Tell your H. Its the biggest bucket of water going in the reality wake up. You could also explore the possibility that you might feel he takes you for granted, you would like a little flirting from him?

Abitwobblynow · 11/02/2012 17:32

So sorry to hear about your H stresses. Redundancy is really hard, it really hurts. He probably isn't the most fun to be around at the moment, I hope you can be there for him, let him know he is still wonderful to you.

saggytummy · 11/02/2012 17:52

Don't be concerned, this is a crush, just cos you are married dosent mean you wont get them from time to time (an older married woman advised me of the same a long time ago). One day you will be sitting with him and think about how you have built him up to be this man you want, you dont really just ride out the storm. Good luck.

Original poster
ProPerformer · 11/02/2012 18:59

Thanks. My hubby really is wonderful, but I must admit that in the last few months since his redundancy he hasnt been his usual fun flirty self though I still love him more than worlds.

This other man has said he thinks I'm gorgeous a few times but never the 'if things were different' line - tbh have no idea what I'd do if that happened! Think the main reason I'm a bit worried (cos I do trust myself and him, but as been said I realise it's a slippery slope) we have shared a few hugs when either of us have been upset (for work or family things not OH problems) and in the past month he has 'lingered' with them. Because I know I have the crush.... Going to get off here and snuggle my hubby now!! :)

OP posts:
kodachrome · 11/02/2012 19:31

You need to put a stop to it right now.

Don't tell the guy you need to stop the flirting, just stop it. Telling him acknowledges what is going on and that you have been responding - you need to pull back without him thinking it's worth pursuing.
Don't offer or accept hugs, don't touch at all. Keep it professional and at a distance.
Try to do planning when other people are around, make excuses why you can't stay behind, and try to do it in the staff-room or public areas.

Take time with your dh. Appreciate him.

lostmywellies · 11/02/2012 21:02

Enjoy your snuggle and keep on being strong. Lots of wise advice on this thread. Have you got half term now for a bit of a break from thinking about him?

lazarusb · 11/02/2012 21:19

Hugging each other is way beyond professional and definitely not fair on your spouses. Put a stop to all this crap now before someone gets hurt.

dontmessup · 11/02/2012 21:29

LISTEN TO ME!!!!!

Right, sorry for shouting, but this is really important. I was you, a long while ago, honestly I could have written every word you have written. I eventually did have an affair. It nearly destroyed my sanity in terms of dealing with the guilt, it did eventually destroy my marriage, and serve me right.

The affair lasted about 6 months, at the end of which the truth became blatantly clear to me. I had been a weak, selfish, self indulgent twat. The OM was not a wonderful lovely fantastic man, he was a wanker who was actively chasing a married woman. I ended up loathing him and seeing how utterly worthless he was. My H, who had seemed less loveable, less worthy, perhaps someone I should consider leaving at the time that I let all the flirting go to my head was actually of course none of those things. I had just reached a 'bored' phase. I wish I could go back to the stage where you are at right now, punch myself extremely hard in the face and tell my ex-H how I was feeling. Like Charbon says, get it out in the open.

All this hugging, slagging off your spouses nonsense that is going on now, really, you are about 80% of the way down the road to an affair. STOP IT. And I mean ACTIVELY STOP IT. Don't just say to yourself 'oh I'm sooo naughty, I must stop'. Address it with your DH, or some day soon or further down the line he will be your ex-H, and this super man you think is so much fun will be the biggest regret of your life. Stop all contact other than professional with the OM, do you really want to throw away your marriage for a cheater?

nkf · 12/02/2012 08:17

It all sounds rubbish to me. Your husband hasn't been his usual flirty self eh? Well, he's probably very stressed and unhappy about not working. And you've probably become a bit odd although he won't know why.

nkf · 12/02/2012 08:18

And answering the questions in your thread title. No, you're not doing the right thing. And what should you do? You should behave yourself.

ameliagrey · 12/02/2012 10:36

This other man has said he thinks I'm gorgeous a few times but never the 'if things were different' line - tbh have no idea what I'd do if that happened!

You will have got the message I'm sure from all the previous posts- but what does come over is you keep contradicting yourself- as above.

If he did say or do any of that, the short answer is you would pull back big time- and tell him you are happily married.

It's as if you are saying one thing "I love DH. I am happily married" but at the same time you seem to be saying "I can't help myself".

Which is it? Are you happily married, or just happy enough to jog along until someone tells you that are are gorgeous and makes a bit of a fuss?

And byt the way, you are naive if you think no one at school will notice- and to take the risk of hugging ( if in school) is just plain stupid.

I used to work in schools, and believe me the gossip will be rife if anyone gets a hint of the cow eyes you make at this man.