Another one

[Amychanger]

I am a long time lurker.

Long story short, I think or I know H is having an affair. I looked at his telephone records online and discovered he was away in January in a different country to that which he was supposed to be traveling to. H travels a lot with his work.

Since this trip, he has been texting or making calls to this one number which I rang yesterday. Woman answered (surprise, surprise)

He is currently away on another work trip and due back tomorrow.

When I saw the phone records yesterday, I rang him and asked if he had anything to tell me and asked where he was last month. He is insistent he was where he says he was (he doesn't know I've seen the phone records). Keeps asking me what this is about, and then says we can talk about it when he comes home.

I told him I didn't want him to come home for a few weeks, really so I can get my head together.

I think the marriage is over and has been for a long time; and tbh, I suspect he has either been having affairs or emotional affairs as his phone is never available for me to look at but he is always looking at it.

I feel angry and relieved at the same time. Angry that he has finally done what he always professes never to do and relieved that all these years, he was checking his mobile in bed and telling me I was too suspicious and wouldn't trust him, that I can trust my instincts.

Putting this down is cathartic but also gives me the resolve to call time.

My children will be heartbroken and I want to try and keep things as normal as possible for them as there are some major events coming for them in the next 4 months.

Is it possible to not tell them we are splitting up until the summer holidays? Has anyone done this and live this "pretend" life just till we get these events out of the way?

Didn't want to read and run 'cause it's late in the UK and you might not get many replies right now.

I think it might be possible to live the fake life but it really depends on how this plays out - how angry you go on to feel and how he handles it and so on.

It might end up being easier for him to move out but be present a lot so it's less of a pretence but not so much of a change for your DCs.

Hope someone comes along who can give you advice or offer up their experience

Hi Amy, so sorry you are going through this horrible time. It is a very similar story to mine especially regarding the mobile phone behaviour, and also the feeling of both anger and relief when you finally find evidence.

Before I discovered the truth I had started going to counselling. I knew that basically the marriage was dead in the water even though I didnt know why and we talked a lot about how I felt so tied in with the events of my family life that I was unable to either walk away from the marriage or bring things to a head. In the end I discovered evidence of stbx living a double life the day after an important family event and 2 weeks before the family summer holiday. Once I had the absolute proof stbx admitted the bare minimum. We decided not to say anything to the children/family and go on the holiday. Because of other events the dc's were kept in the dark for over a month. Stbx was away for a week and at the end of the week I told him not to come back and told the dc's.

In the light of all this experience over last summer I would advise you to bring it to an end now and not prolong the agony. There are many reasons but the most over powering is the hardest to deal with. Your family life is over in the only form you know it for now and you will need to find a new way of doing things. Get started now and do not prolong the pain. By summer things will be beginning to move on and you will be glad going into next winter that you have begun the healing process for all of you. The children will know something is wrong and you wont hide the atmosphere as easily as you think you can.

Even in the relatively short delay in ending our marriage stbx was lulled into a false sense of security that he could somehow carry on with his double life. I think this made things worse as he became incredibly angry when I asked him not to come home (even though I found out he had organised a new place to live!).

Sorry to give you such seemingly harsh advice but I believe the falseness and the lying has to end as soon as possible. There will be lots of support on here to help you through it.

Thank you for your comments. Deep down I know it needs to end quickly but I really wanted to spare the DCs given they have some important tests coming up.

I don't want to muck up their lives any more than it already has been. :(

I also don't know if I could hold it together long enough though....

Grrrrrr. Infidelity is all too common these days. Whatever happened to working on love and marriage, especially where children are involved.
I am so sorry this has happened to you and a pox on your H for acting so selfishly.

Are the kids' tests at school, Amy? If so, tell the school what's happening - the staff should take this into account. And get the staff's advice on what to do if these events do affect the kids' performance. Remember, the education system is far more flexible than it used to be in my youth (approx. Stone Age).

As you say, it would probably be difficult for you to cope if you put off separation until the summer, and I suspect the atmosphere would affect the kids anyway.

Huge sympathy from me. You've got support on here. Just try to imagine all these people on MN chanting "Go Amy!" Hope you have support in RL, too.

One set of tests is entrance test for a school back in the UK, and my plan would be to go back this summer.

No real support in RL as haven't told anyone and don't know who to turn to either.

Until you can tell someone in RL, keep posting on MN and I know people will be here to offer a virtual ear and offer sympathy and good wishes, and advice if they can.

Is the school private, may I ask? I would think it would take family events into account, but it might be worth trying to find out. If you don't want to ask the school directly for now, you could post on "Education" here on MN, or there is at least one well-regarded forum on private schools, if this is relevant.

I would agree that it's best not to wait til the summer.

I hung on as I had concerns about the DCs. Because of school and DC well-being - in reality the DCs suffered as much if not more by me hanging on and I think I should have ejected him earlier.

You sound strong and sensible. I would be inclined to act strategically and get on with it.

Best of luck.

You know your family best. From the time XH and I had the talk and made our decision to split to telling the children was 4 months. It worked for us, gave us time to start planning the changes. I didn't feel it prolonged the agony as I felt a huge weight had been lifted. However there was no OW at the time so I appreciate things are different. Of you choose this option, can you access counselling where you are? Good luck, OP x

When I first told everyone my news about the split my biggest concern was for the children and everyone, including my counsellor, kept saying they will be fine, children are resilient. This made me very angry at the time. I kept thinking but their family life has been destroyed, how can they be ok?

Amy, I can tell you now its months down the line that this statement is true. Children really are resilient. They will have your love and your support.

I went to my son's parents evening the other night and he had the most glowing report he has ever had. In the background is a very very acrimonious divorce and 3 dc's who refuse to have anything to do with their father due to his appalling behaviour. Hopefully your split with be nothing like this so your dc's will have far less to cope with.

I feel like death inside but holding it together for the kids.

On the one hand, I want to do the grown up thing and have an amicable split without telling children the details of why we are splitting but on the other hand, I think I am sick of protecting the bastard so why shouldn't his children, friends and family know that he has brought this on.

Do not protect him. It will give him more opportunity and strength to manipulate you. Why would you think protecting him is the only way to give you an amicable split? Because he would have the upper hand

I was advised to tell the dc's the bare minimum and I did and that was definitely the right thing to do. Others might say something different but with everyone else you trust tell them the truth.

When you say tell the DCs the bare minimum, is that the talk about mum and dad not loving each other but loving them? Or could I be as direct as to say, your dad no longer loves me and has found someone else?

I know I am angry and looking at laying it on his door so trying to get a perspective as to whether it would be too harsh?

If he has an ow and will look to introduce her to the children then I think that forewarned is forearmed. The dc will learn that he loves another woman and will have questions about this. Better up front than drip feeding, they. Need the facts, no surprises down. the line. This will be hard for them, if your honest and up front from the beginning they wipl know that they can trust you and rely on you not to deceive them.

Of course that's not to say tell them the gory details, but an age appropriate and sensitive explanation. The we don't love each other speech is condescending and rehersed, children pick up on this and it makes them insecure at a point when you need to reassure them. Every divorce and family is different, there should be no standard speech.

Sorry on my phone so bad grammer inevitable.

Never lie to them, they need you to be the person who will always be truthful, you can do this without putting him down. If he lies to them don't tell them he's a liar, just say "that's not my understanding but I'm sure he believes what he is telling you", talk to them about people seeing things from their own perspective, use the example of when they fall out with a friend. It is possible to do this amicably and it is possible to be truthful without attacking him to them.

I told my DCs that I thought they ought to prepare themselves for dad having an OW (he was denying it, I knew with every fibre of my being there was one) and I did say that sometimes things happen very quickly when marriages end.

So sorry for you, and so at how many do this!!

Personally, I would err towards the truth - try telling them that mummy and daddy aren't going to live together any more, and that daddy loves another lady, but that you both still love them and will put them first.

HOWEVER, I would only do this if this is the actual truth! I don't want to sound hurtful, but if this just the latest in what you believe is a string of physical affairs/emotional affairs, and that the latest OW may not be around, then I would leave out the bit about loving another lady and just say that daddy doesn't love mummy any more. Otherwise there is a danger that the kids may use the current OW as a scapegoat rather than realising it's their father's decision...

Amy it does depend on how old your dc's are of course as to what they understand in terms of the words divorce, separation, affair etc. but I told mine that their father had met someone else, I had asked him to leave and we would be getting divorced, that I was sorry things had turned out like this and I would try and make things as ok for them as I possibly could. I think you could tell those facts to all but the youngest of children using appropriate words.

Personally I wouldnt use the word love when refering to the or an OW. It is not for the wife to presume about that relationship (not sure how many men actually love their shag buddies!) and I think sticking to the use of the word when refering to the relationships within the family is more appropriate. Mummy and Daddy love you and want the best for you etc etc. I dont think children want to be frightened about losing love or it being transfered elsewhere when they are first digesting this shocking information.

Thank-you for your messages. He is due back today but have not contacted me at all since I rang him two days ago, asking where he had been on his previous trip.

I did tell him not to come back for a few weeks so perhaps he will take me at my word.

Just got an email to say he is not coming back till next week and wants to sit down face to face to explain everything to me.

Sent back nasty email telling him not to unburden his guilt on me. Feel wretched and can't stop sobbing and trying not to cry in front of kids so they won't ask questions yet.

Feel I can't just read and run when you're obviously so sad, no helpful advice I fear but loads of hugs xx

Hi Amy

How, horrible. I'm not surprised that you feel awful. He is behaving despicably.

And he is being very controlling by asking you to wait.

Do you have some RL support today? Keep talking to us.

So sorry this is happening to you. Please be kind to yourself. x

No RL support, think I just don't know who to turn to. Have kept to myself for so long that I can't decide who to trust or not.

I have some friends back in the UK and we keep in touch on FB but feel like I can't unburden myself talking on FB.

Posting here is useful and helps a lot.

I used to not share. Now am the opposite. I guess you'll have to see how it goes.

What can you do today to spoil yourself, and get a bit of control?