I've moved out. How long should I wait before talking about finances?

[thebighouse]

I moved out at the beginning of this year, after meeting someone else. I'm living by myself and seeing my DCs 50/50. DH is in our old house with the DCs, animals etc.

(Please see past threads if you want more background info - I've been criticised for not linking to these before but can't do links.)

Anyway, I'm living in a small flat and it's hard to do much with the children. I want to think about the long-term but DH won't even discuss it. I've always done all the DIY, decorating etc. and already DH is asking me to go over there and fix things every single weekend. We have about 200k equity in the house but DH won't talk about selling it and says that we must maintain the children's home at all costs.

But what about me! I contacted a solicitor who said that it takes up to a year to get a final financial settlement and divorce but DH said he won't even think about it until I've been out of the home for six months at least.

I can't afford to live on my own (I earn 1/3 of his salary) and can't even start planning for the future. I want to be able to support my children and me but DH says I am being selfish for even thinking about selling the family home, and he refuses to think about it.

Am I being selfish? Or practical? Is it really devastating for the children if we sell their family home?

If you had stayed in the house with the
Kids how would you feel if he left for someone else then put pressure on you to sell the kids' home?

I thought you got to stay in the family
Home until te kids were of age? Maybe get
Legal advice?

It sounds as though your H is punishing you for leaving. This is all very well but he is not in charge of you and not legally entitled to have everything his own way. How come you moved out and not him - if he is earning 3x your salary he is obviously not the SAHP. While I am not a lawyer it sounds to me as though you should move back into the family home: even if the home is entirely in H's name, you are married so you have some rights.

I don't know the back story, but leaving one partner for another is not illegal and doesn't mean you lose your rights WRT the family home. Don't let him convince you that because you Had Sex With ANother Man you deserve to lose everything.

I didnt think she would lose everything but rather have to wait
Til kids were older before they would force a sale?

no it wont be really devastating - they will cope.

if there is sufficient equity to sell and both end up with reasonable homes on mortgages then surely that is fairest way?

you will just have to push no with divorce and sort it out but yes it takes a long time

hpow old are the chidlren and what do you want to do that you cannot do in your flat?

could you rent a flat with garden so at least you have hve more space ni summer time?

i moved out to rented and have less rooms than joint owned flat but i have a garden which saves us all from march to october!
not married but sorting finances and going to court to get order to sell etc ahs taken years - plus due to various issues related to communal building works on flat (is in a block) cant sell now but might be able to later in year.

the rality is it takes a while - you need to find a rental that provides minimal needs, maybe a garden and be prepared for it to take a while; meantime figue out what you could afford to buy if you ahve half the equity and what he could afford - so maybe if you earn less you got more of the equity? i dont know would be for you to thrash out with him ...

He is the SAHP - I was for 8 years which is why I'm now starting at the bottom again. He now works P/T.

The children are primary age but I can't really have their friends around as a small flat filled with boys is a bit much.

I can't afford to rent a flat by myself on my salary (25k). At the mo, DH is giving me £300 extra a month so I can afford it but he won't do this in the longer term. I have no financial security at the moment. But on my salary, after the flat and bills, I just have £65 a week for food and everything else. I can't do it. I need some of the equity released from the house, to be blunt.

I know I have been an awful person as I am involved with someone else but I don't want to have to move in with him and force ANOTHER change on the children.

You need to see a solicitor asap, get the ball rolling with divorce proceedings. Who made him the boss anyway that he can solely make the decisions?

Well it has just been a month... I don't think he is BU in his reaction tbh

This is one of those threads that would prob have different opinions and reactions if the sexes were switched...

It has been a month since I moved out but three months since I told him I was going to do so.

If the sexes were changed it would be unlikely that I would be earning 3 x his salary (sorry but it's true).

can you really blame him?

will you be able to get enough mortgage to buy somewhere with half the equity? what will you be able to afford in your locality? you need to find out prices, costings, your mortgage capacity etc versus his.

the not having friends round well, - i have small flat, have friends round it gets crowded yes - but you could have the friends to run around in park then come home just to eat pizza for an hour before pick up.they dont need to have friends round for hours and hours every week. spend more time out with them in local park etc .

presumably h pays their football or swim lessons etc ?

if the new P is long term fixture then things may change again anyway wont they?

but if h is living there let him fix things in the family home - if he cant do it he can pay someone.

But if the sexes were reversed as he has the children you would be paying him maintenence regardless and not getting an extra £300 from him.

The only
Thing you can really do is go down the legal/ divorce route...

No I don't blame him. But the constant narrative of self-hatred is a bit tiring and I really want to move on and provide a home for my children and the pets, which he isn't looking after so I am having to go around there every other day to sort them out.

At the moment we don't have anything except for a joint account. Actually (just added it up again) he is contributing £150 in addition to my basic salary.

Yes I know I would have to pay him maintenance despite us having 50/50 care but just because that's the law doesn't make it fair, does it?

I don't know what to do, to be honest, but waiting until he is ready just feels like letting him punish me. Do I just suck that up? I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I'm surprised you can't afford to rent a flat for yourself on £25k plus £300 a month net from your STBXH.

And he earns £75k P/T?

This is what it adds up once I take out DH's contribution (i.e. 150 plus he has IMPLIED that he will be expecting maintenance after six months):

rent (650)
phone (40 - am tied in but it provides broadband so I can work at home and pick the kids up)
gas/electric (100)
water (65)
TV licence (12)
Council Tax (100)
Contents insurance (13)
Petrol (200 - can't avoid this as I live 20 miles from work)
Child maintenance (150)

Salary (1615)
Income minus outgoings (285)

Remaining per week: £65 for food, clothes, children etc.

This is why I want to sort it out.

Yes he is a consultant and earns just under 80k working from home.

You haven't put
The £300 on your income?

No but that's the point - I'm relying on him continuing to let me have that. He can stop it any time.

And you don't pay maintenence yet...

you sound heartless to me. Plenty of people who earn less than 25k manage to have their DCs friends rounds to play, for a start.

she said it was 150 she put it there as child maintenance 150 presume that is from h ? or is she payibng out 150? confused...

if they having Dc 50/50 then maintenance cut anyway by 3/7 and would be on her net income - ?

sell car get more economical model?

TBH I think you're doing really well given that he's RP, giving you extra cash and not currently asking for maintenance.

So ATM you actually have £300 a month MORE than on your budget

And £150 less outgoings...

Seems to me you are playing the victim with these figures when he had been pretty fair with you and trying to do right by the children...

If you want the house sold you have to try doing it the long way with a divorce and legal advice.

No the £300 included the £150 less outgoings - so a net balance of £150 from him.

He is earning three times my salary and living in our large house with the children and the pets and refusing to talk about the long term finances. He also has all the child benefit paid to him and control over all the bank accounts. I know I have made the decision to leave but it just doesn't seem fair to me. But do you think I need to just leave it until he is ready?

Forgetting the genders here - If your ex is the SAHP then it's likely he will be entitled to greater equity so that he can support/house the children so don't count on 50/50 split.His salary doesn't come into it.

Being the NRP is very tough financially (especially one that wants to be involved with their children) but it will get better as over time you maybe able to increase your income and you maybe able to buy jointly with your new partner.

I don't think you can force the sale of the home as it's the children's home and they will be struggling with many changes. Maybe give it a year to allow for the changes to settle. I guess the mantra has to be - what is best for the dc's..and that's likely to be limited change for a period of time whilst they adjust.

Most fathers leave the family home with little or no equity and effectively start all over again, it is a long, long road but possible.

If he is the resident parent and they are still primary aged then I can't see you having 50% equity of the house. Maybe you should talk about him buying out a percentage share you have in the house?