I've moved out. How long should I wait before talking about finances?

[thebighouse]

I moved out at the beginning of this year, after meeting someone else. I'm living by myself and seeing my DCs 50/50. DH is in our old house with the DCs, animals etc.

(Please see past threads if you want more background info - I've been criticised for not linking to these before but can't do links.)

Anyway, I'm living in a small flat and it's hard to do much with the children. I want to think about the long-term but DH won't even discuss it. I've always done all the DIY, decorating etc. and already DH is asking me to go over there and fix things every single weekend. We have about 200k equity in the house but DH won't talk about selling it and says that we must maintain the children's home at all costs.

But what about me! I contacted a solicitor who said that it takes up to a year to get a final financial settlement and divorce but DH said he won't even think about it until I've been out of the home for six months at least.

I can't afford to live on my own (I earn 1/3 of his salary) and can't even start planning for the future. I want to be able to support my children and me but DH says I am being selfish for even thinking about selling the family home, and he refuses to think about it.

Am I being selfish? Or practical? Is it really devastating for the children if we sell their family home?

I don't mean this to sound horrible do sissy in advance if it does.
You walked out, you chose to live in a flat that's 'too small' for your own children, your husband is still giving you money(?! For what?!) when you walked out on him for another man...
I think he's being pretty damn reasonable. If my DH (to be) walked out and left me and all the kids/pets etc there's not a chance in hell I'd be sending him 300 quid a month!

So sorry... Not do sissy!

OP, it can't have been easy to make the decision to leave. Kudos to you for having the guts to do so, and I really hope you sort things out.

I didn't "walk out and leave him with the kids and pets". I fell in love with someone else. I decided to end the marriage. He refused to let me be the one who stayed. I had no choice but to move out.

He has the house, the children, the pets, access to all bank accounts, the child benefit, thousands in savings, all the pensions. He is paying me £150 a month (sorry first figure was wrong) in exchange for this. It doesn't seem fair to me but I see that most people disagree.

You said you had joint account before?

Hang on a minute op, if you have 50:50 care why will you have to pay child maintenance?

fwiw if I was the ex in this I'd be subbing the other too, even if they were "in the wrong" ("s there because I don't know the backstory). I have a freind in similar-ish circs; she subs her ex because otherwise he'd be living in a hovel, which wouldn't be a nice place for him to have their DCs. Seems reasonable to me.

I may be wrong here but I thought that if you genuinely shared the care (and therefore the expense) of the children 50/50 then nobody paid maintenance to either parent?

If it was the other way round the DH would have to pay maintenence. I believe the
Amount is minimal due to her having them a lot but as he gets the CB he is
Classed as RP. I think

It's not fair but you shouldn't have moved out (not talking emotionally, just for practical reasons to protect your interests).

Why don't you have access to the savings?

You need to push through with the divorce and division of assets - it's still going to take up to 2 years if he's obstructive.

You would do better to move back in and into separate rooms.

See a solicitor now, the longer you leave this the more you rights are being eroded. I'm sure he has been advised that after six months you entitlements will be much less. Keep a record of who has the kids and when. Keep a record of money too. Do invite the kids friends over, you don't necessarily need lots of space. Make yor time with them as normal as possible, and make sure it is known that you want 50% care, or whatever.

You chose to leave. It is your children's home. You need to stand on your own two feet and if you cannot afford a flat look for a house share. This may mean going back to the family home for contact or arranging to see the children outside of the home.

All savings etc should be divided 50/50 now if possible.

Put your children first. I am sorry for you all

He is not in charge here. If he is the SAHP how come he has all the money? Has he walked out on his job in order to further punish you or something? I think you need good legal advice and fast; you need to protect your rights.

And if he is being punitive and unreasonable, it just shows how right you were to leave him. Nice people may be hurt when their partners dump them, but they don't feel entitled to sieze all the assets of the marriage and obstruct negotiations: anyone who tries to use blackmail or coercion to 'keep' a partner deserves to be dumped.

Op said her ex works part time from home and brings in80k

He hasn't walked out on a job to punish her

I agree, SGB.

I'm on the husband's side here, too.

You are now single, you don't need a big place.
Your salary, for a single person, should be enough.
If it isn't, upgrade your skills and get a better job.

It's quite rare, isn't it, for the woman to leave the kids.
I was thinking this last night, wondering who thought they got the better deal - the man, who is just there for the good times (as it seems it's the woman who keeps the kids in most cases) or the woman who is rushed off her feet constantly.
I guess I can't understand because I don't have kids nor want kids but I tend to think that I'd want visitation and not 24/7 having to be there.

Sorry, I digressed a bit.
Think you should quit wanting more and enjoy what you have.

I am sorry, but nobody forced another man on you, nobody forced you to look outside your marriage for romance and sex, nobody forced you to fall in love!

You are a mum of two in a low paid job (well, not really that low paid) who has chosen to leave her marriage, her family and the family home (and lets not forget the pets while we are at it) to go and live in a small flat as a single person, so you can pursue your new love interest.

I cannot believe you also want half the family home, and uproot your children even further.

I dont understand why you dont just set up home with the new man, lets call a spade a spade, you have made your substitutions, so go stand by them!

Well-said, Quint.

Sorry but you left.

suck it up and stop being a martyr.

I'm not on the husband's side, anyone can fall out of love.

If I were you I'd move back in and sort the finances out. He has no incentive to if he has everything.

If you're going to be doing 50-50 care the money should be split equally.

This is about the children and not punishing a parent.

just go to a solicitor and get it all sorted out legally

I think it's healthy for the kids to experience living in a smaller place too.
Brits are too spoilt with their need for 'big houses'.
Granted, I don't have kids, but if I did have kids, I'd wouldn't want a big house.
I've traveled enough to see that living in a two-room hut with a roof doesn't harm the folks inside, indeed, they appear to be happier than the average Westerner, who grows up on a diet of want want want, need bigger, want faster, and so on.

BayPolar you're "granted I don't have kids" says it all.

Yeah we'd all be happier if we were poor but living in mud huts, just like in india eh? No wonder there is no mass migration to cities there, or adoption of consumer culture eh?

FWIW its absoultely nonsense to say you have to earn more than 25k to live somewhere where your children can have friends over.

Even if the house is entirely in the H's name, he can't actually throw you out for adultery. You are married, therefore you have a legal stake in the home; the only way a person can be forced out of the family home is if that person is violent to other family members - a court can order the home sold and the proceeds divided, but you cannot be legally banned from your home unless you pose a risk to other occupants of the home.
And if your H is aggressive or controlling, you may be able to get him out and get custody of the DC.

That was a bit of an extreme example (the mud hut thing) - and hey,not having kids doesn't mean I don't understand (all my friends have kids - ALL of them) -and to get back to the point, I think the OP is asking for too much.
She decided to leave, she has to expect to survive on what she is capable of earning given her skill level.
And if this means living in a small flat - nothing wrong with small, not when kids should be enjoying the outdoors anyway - then so be it.
Or, move closer to work.

I think you are extremely lucky that your ex is paying you anything at all! I can just imagine how that would go down if the gender was reversed on here..

And those figures dont add up anyway.. what are the £150 child maintenance payments that are outgoing? Having £65 a week left after your outgoings is what plenty of people have to live on, and they manage.