I've moved out. How long should I wait before talking about finances?

[thebighouse]

I moved out at the beginning of this year, after meeting someone else. I'm living by myself and seeing my DCs 50/50. DH is in our old house with the DCs, animals etc.

(Please see past threads if you want more background info - I've been criticised for not linking to these before but can't do links.)

Anyway, I'm living in a small flat and it's hard to do much with the children. I want to think about the long-term but DH won't even discuss it. I've always done all the DIY, decorating etc. and already DH is asking me to go over there and fix things every single weekend. We have about 200k equity in the house but DH won't talk about selling it and says that we must maintain the children's home at all costs.

But what about me! I contacted a solicitor who said that it takes up to a year to get a final financial settlement and divorce but DH said he won't even think about it until I've been out of the home for six months at least.

I can't afford to live on my own (I earn 1/3 of his salary) and can't even start planning for the future. I want to be able to support my children and me but DH says I am being selfish for even thinking about selling the family home, and he refuses to think about it.

Am I being selfish? Or practical? Is it really devastating for the children if we sell their family home?

Here's one of your earlier posts: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1383180-I-left-my-husband-and-now-he-is-having-a-breakdown

Has he made a miraculous recovery?

And here's another www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1362892-Is-my-marriage-normal-or-does-it-sound-sort-of-abusive

What I'm not clear about is why you chose to leave the marital home instead of requiring your abusive h to do so some considerable time ago?

As for your h's 'six months' before he even thinks about divorce/settlements etc, I suggest you instruct your solicitor to file for divorce asap on the grounds of your h's unreasonable behaviour which should serve to concentrate his mind on the thought that he's lost control of you.

It is to be hoped that once you're in the driving seat re the divorce, you'll be able to negotiate an appropriate division of martial property etc.

"My husband left me and my children a month ago, because he has purportedly fallen in love with another woman. He earns less than me, but I recently changed career path to work from home in order to allow him to focus on his own career. He has a salary of 25k and has rented a small flat in the time since he left. He's now pushing me to look into selling our family home so that he can afford a larger place, and is insisting that lack of space is making him reluctant to spend time with the children. This is despite me giving him £150 pcm to help with living costs."

Just imagine what advice that woman would get. Go to the solicitors by all means, but please don't strip your kids of the last bit of stability they have right now.

You sound in an very difficult situation OP and I am very surprised by some of the posts on here that are so unsupportive.

I am in the process of getting divorced and as far as I understand it from what I have read (Which guide to divorce and separation is very good book) the courts look for equity and if you have 50/50 division of child care then they would be looking for an equal standard of accommodation for both parents.

My advice to you would be to find yourself a shit hot lawyer asap and get the ball rolling with the divorce and financial settlement.

Good luck and for what it is worth I think your husband is being a controlling bully and the longer you leave it the worse he is going to get. Have the law behind you as soon as possible.

Just read your other thread. As I suspected, your H is a controlling, abusive arsehole and you were RIGHT to bin him for another man. Please, please lose the idea that you deserve to be punished for ending the relationship; the person deserving punishment is your H. Never mind his snivelling and emotional blackmail, it's all a show because he's lost control over you. He does not 'love' you. He doesn't even consider you human. He's tantrumming because his toy's been taken away.
Have a word with Women's Aid, you can get him forced out of the house and move back in, but you need to act quickly. It will be OK. You are a better person than him. Remember that.

Once again I agree with SGB.

OP you really, really must act ASAP.

Once again I agree with SGB.

OP you really, really must act ASAP.

I would urge approaching this with great caution, OP, and to get yourself a shit hot solicitor, and to be totally honest with them. I haven?t read your back story, but I know from what my ex wife was saying about me to sympathetic friends and to an unquestioning solicitor that she was advised to go for my jugular. This was on the basis that from what she said, I was such a nasty person that the courts wouldn?t hesitate to award her anything she asked for.

However, it didn?t quite work out like that and I was able to disprove her allegations. Most importantly, because of the way in which she made the allegations public in order to help her case, the kids saw exactly what she was trying to do, and have shunned her. She did try to fight for custody of them, and the courts did try to be objectively fair in ordering them to spend time with her, but they refused. The courts then acknowledged that they couldn?t force the eldest to stay with her, but the youngest is subject to the court order. He now stays with his mother once a fortnight, hates it, and resents that his siblings can do what they want and he can?t. He blames his mother for forcing him to do this.

So she has now ended up with a shed load of money and an empty house.

Whatever you do, look at it from the eyes of the children, and see what they want, rather than what you want. If you don?t do this, there is a real danger that you will alienate them, because if there is a fight, they are going to get caught in the crossfire.

Whatever you do, look at it from the eyes of the children, and see what they want, rather than what you want.

I couldn't agree more unless the OP's ex is more successful than yours was in turning her children against her. I have a horrible feeling that the OP is in danger of rolling over and reducing the time she has with her children "for their own good", out of a thoroughly misplaced belief that they're better off with a non-adulterer (even if he does appear to be an abusive arsehole). The OP hasn't left her children (despite what someone said upthread ) but a nasty piece of work like her ex might be liable to make them believe that she has.

Goodness, what a horrible situation :(

springaroundthecorner I'm saddened, but not surprised, by some of the posts on this thread. A lot of people see things in extraordinarily black and white terms.

the background puts a different spin on things doesnt it?

but - divorce/separation costs time and money and effort even when one side is the abusive bully... certainly i have spent thousands renting a property while exP sits there in former (well still) joint home etcetc. tho i and dc moved to a better (if smaller) flat as it does have a garden which is life saver.
cost wise is killing me finaicially.... but as my friend who paid thousands for ivf and donor egg points out - at least i got my DC for "free"....

having a small flat for now isnt terrible for op or her DC...lots of people live in small flats. op needs to push thru the divorce and get judgement from courts - presenting all relevant information.

it will take time though.

accept limitations of small flat and live with it. use local parks, sports centres etc.

get a good solicitor and produce evidence of ex's abusive and unreasonable behaviours.

fight for something that is just and equitable - as you married that has some impact on division of equity etc .

Thanks all. Some of these posts have been very difficult to read.

We have joint accounts but DH sets budgets and I have to submit receipts for anything which must be within the budgets. If I took money out he would go beserk, to be honest! It's always been done that way. So I don't really have access the money.

I have no desire to turn the children against him and I don't think he wants to do that either. I just want to be able to provide a nice home for them.

The solicitor I've spoken to seems to agree with springaroundthecorner - namely that in cases of 50/50 childcare, the courts will seek an equitable home arrangement in terms of accommodation.

I earnt more than him when we got together nearly 20 years ago. But we moved to an area for his job where my own industry doesn't exist - and I gave up my career for 7 years to raise the children. I went back to work a couple of years ago but my former industry doesn't exist around here. So I can't just 'upskill' very easily.

I am going to start the process of formally sorting this out. I have tried to talk to him but he says he will have a breakdown if I make him think about it and I must wait. But I can't live with this uncertainty. I don't want much, just some fairness.

cestlavielife thanks for your messages - I did smile at the 'free children' - a different perspective.

err let him have a breakdown. his choice ....

(more reason for dc to live with you full time...)

not your problem.

up to help to seek help

your marriage is over he and you have to deal with that.

if he "decides" he is to have a breakdown just get the DC the hell out of there and keep them with you until he decides to seek help.