Need advice, going mad.

[SpiritualKnot]

Have posted in lone parents as well, but know more of the posters on the relationships thread, so any input would be much appreciated.

Ex left me 2 years ago for woman half my age after 20 years of marriage. We've been divorced 14 months. he's marrying her in a few months time. My 12 year old daughter is going to be a bridesmaid at their wedding.

I'm ok with all this. However, my dd is getting very close to this woman's family, she has 2 sisters, parents, a young son and nieces.

Meanwhile I have a family about 200 miles away, with my parents and brothers, sisters and nieces and nephews. I want to move back there as my ex has moved on, my job is terrible here, I've been signed off with stress, my parents are in their 80's and I worry about them constantly. Only one of my brothers lives near my parents and his wife is ill. The rest of my family visit often. I can't visit often due to work, dd and travel problems. My dd loves my family,but last time we saw them was June last year.

I feel my dd is spending time with this girl's family when she could be spending time with my own. My life here is awful. As soon as ex left 2 years ago I wanted to go home but have held off coz of dd and her school and contact with her father. But I feel as if I can't go on. I cry most days, my GP and family think I need to go back home. I would want to time things re move so dd can be in new school in September.

I discussed this a bit with my daughter last night and she was crying, as she wants to stay near her dad.I feel as if I've failed at my marriage, failed at my job and if I leave here I'll be failing with my dd. But if I don't leave I'll be failing my parents and will go insane. I would hate it if my dd decided she'd rather stay here with this woman's close knit family when she could be with my close knit family.My dd says she wants to be with me, also, ex and his fiance work shifts so not ideal for her to be with them.

My dd has suggested I stay here a few more years and then we go back to my home town. I feel as if I'm waiting for one of my parents to die so that then I will have to move back there. But I'd rather spend time with them whilst they're both still alive.

Please don't say I'm being selfish, I'm in absolute despair.

' I can't visit often due to work, dd and travel problems'

Can't you go in the school holidays , especially the ones your dd is with your ex, or weekends? Do you drive?

I go most school holidays, but it's reached a point where I see them struggling, getting more aged and I feel as if they need me there.

Hi, Could you look to buy somewhere near your parents and downsize where you are currently, so you have 'bases' in both places? And, in a few years (and it IS only a few years) you will have somewhere you can live?

200miles isn't that far. I live over 200 miles away from my (close knit) family and go up there at least once per month, often twice.

Like you, I want my children to be close to my family and to have a relationship with them all now.

Driving is a problem for me. I have some visual problems, so I go by train.

I have a house here, with a large mortgage as I bought my ex out, so don't know if I could afford two places. But will look into that.

Hi Spiritualknot,

There must be a way around all of this. I think you should stay put right now for your dd's sake. She has her school, friends and access to her dad. She has had enough changes in her short life.

Try not to get into a competition with the ow and her family but be thankful that your dd seems to be developing a healthy relationship with them.

As you are signed off with stress right now, maybe you are finding it hard to see a way out of all this. Sometimes it just takes small steps to make a difference.

First off, it sounds like you need a new job - not as easy as it sounds in the current climate. When you return to work you may have a back to work interview. Now is the time to look at changing your work hours - could you afford to reduce your hours for example? Any chance of applying for jobs in other departments at your firm? Or maybe it's just time to leave and find a new job?

What about friends? Do you have a strong network locally? Have you let go of some friends? Could these friendships be renewed by you picking up the phone?

As for dd's relationship with your family. Look into Skype, arrange for dd to call your parents every week for a catch up. Take long weekends to see your family and invite them to come and stay with you.

The problems you have are not insurmountable. The solutions I suggest are not perfect - but they may solve the problem for the next few years while your dd finishes her secondary education.

Could you look at selling the place you have now and have two smaller places?

I do agree that trying to uproot a 12YO who is close to her dad and his new wife (and I appreciate that is hard for you, but at least she is proving to be a positive aspect of your DD's life) will lead to more problems than it solves.

Time to 'think outside of the box'.

When does your DD see her dad? Could you make it so that you could visit your family when your DD sees her dad at weekends?

I know that it doesn't solve you wanting your DD to spend more time with them, but I'm afraid her reality and yours are different and HER world revolves around her life where you live now.

But that doesn't mean you can't look at ways of being there for your parents and intergrating your DD into that slowly.

SpiritualKnot, first & most importantly you are not a failure & you have not failed anyone. You are doing an amazing job, dealing with your divorce, coping with your DDs interest in her "new" family in a reasonable & rational way, holding down a job, looking after your DD & trying to think about what is best for everyone too. That is an amazing amount to undertake - so be proud of yourself.
You sound very stressed. Firstly, you don't have to do anything right this minute, the world is not going to stop turning on its axis & there is no emergency. Take your time and think about all the options.
Could you change jobs & maybe work 4 days a week, to give you a longer weekend to go & see your parents. Would that be an interim solution for a few years until DD is older?

FWIW, I don't think you need to go back home.

It will cause new / different problems (especially with a pre-pubescent girl!) that you cannot guess at.

What you need is an EXIT strategy from the situation that is clearly making you unhappy.
It's not going to happen tomorrow, but I think if you knew it WAS going to happen in the next 5 years and you could make some positive steps towards that, it would really help.

What area are you looking to move to? Is it a 'popular' area? Could you look at buying a little cottage that you could rent out as a holiday let? Don't discount anything at this stage.

Work out where you WANT to be (and why!) and then work out a map of how to get there.

Your story really resonates with me.

Sorry, I meant You don't need to go back home RIGHT NOW

Thank you for the advice, food for thought. I'm going to visit them next week, so will see how things go.

One day one of my parents will phone to say the other is in hospital or has died, I know it's going to happen and I'm dreading it. I know I'll drop everything here and move back then. Would really like to be there for them before though.

If my ex wanted to move 100s of miles away he would just do it. I'm just going mad here.

The resentment you feel towards your ex and his OW is understandable. However, the only one hurting by it is you. You have to find someway to get past the two of them and what they did to you - I have no doubt it was absolutely awful. You say your ex could move 100s of miles away. But the fact is, he hasn't. He has stayed put and continued a strong (I hope) relationship with his daughter.

Yes your parents are getting on and yes one day no doubt you will get that phone call. But that could be in years to come. Living 200 miles away does not mean you can't have a close relationship with them. Try not to worry about what may happen with them. Face each problem as it arises.

Your stress is making you think negatively - have you been prescribed a/ds or anti anxiety tablets? If so, it takes a couple of weeks for them to kick in.

But when they do, you will feel more balanced - not necessarily ecstactically happy but more in control of your thoughts.

I think you should go home. Your Ex has set himself up nicely whilst you are keeping everyone else happy.

Plenty of arrangements can then be made for your DD to still see her other family; it will just require some adjustment on the part of your Ex

You are not selfish, go be near your family. Your DD will be fine, sell it as an adventure

Fucking hell, just give the woman some anti-ds, she will be allright.

Shes been pissed all over by the ex and feels like shes going mad with her own support a fair distance away. Shes been decent and understanding and gets fuck all for her efforts except anti depressants.

My guess is she wouldn't have to be on the antis if she didn't have this crap going on

You are not selfish OP, go home if you want.

move - your dd is only 12, she will soon settle and make new friends, she hasnt taken up her GCSE options yet so now is the right time re schooling, she can visit her df during holidays, she will soon be quite old enough to travel alone by train to go and visit him - your dh has set himself up very nicely thank you, its YOUR turn now!

I feel very sad for you, OP. There are a lot of issues here. Marriage breakdown, difficult circumstances all round. Elderly parents are a worry. But as you say, all your family are there, so your parents have your brothers and sisters who can look out for them.

I think it will be a terrible wrench for your DD to leave an area she has grown up in, with easy access to her dad. It will cause endless problems and a lot of travelling for her. I doubt she will be happy about it and that's something you may suffer consequences from in years to come.

I understand your feelings about your DD having lots of contact with your ex's new partner's family, but honestly, it's a better situation than her not getting on with them and being unhappy, which would also cause you a lot of grief and worry.

Do you think you will go back to your job? Perhaps a new job would help you move on, and allow you to mix with a different circle of people. Does your employer understand the pressure you have been under? Perhaps you could talk to your employer about an agreed departure, with a reference which would allow you to make a fresh start?

If your parents are in their 80s and in frail health, I do think you have to consider the longer term implications of changing your daughter's life so dramatically for what might be a short term issue for you.

Thank you SirSugar. I needed to hear that. I can't stop crying and am not coping. I am on antidepressants anyway.

It's deeper than just wanting to see my parents more often.I need to be there for them and for my sanity.

How awful it must be for my daughter to see me like this while her dad is happy as larry with the woman that broke up our marriage.

When we were still married my ex and I had discussed how I would need to move back to my hometown at some stage for my parents.

x

I have real sympathy for your situation, and think jesuswhatnow has a real point. After all, children always hate change. I think the parent has to think of themselves too and their own need for a fulfilling life. After all an unhappy parent is not really the best situation.

I think it is is a real tricky situation. Perhaps more exploring may help? Sounds like you need a rest first?

shes 12 for heavens sake, of course it would be wrench to move but honestly, kids do move you know! and even thrive!

that was to olgaga btw!

i honestly think the time is now, if you leave it much longer then it would be unfair to your dd, she will be in the swing of GCSEs and its a huge issue to change schools halfway - 12 year old are very resiliant ime, she will get to have a relationship with her grandparents and wider family and her mother will be happier.

Go home.

She is 12, she will want to move less and less the older she gets but she is still young enough to move, fit into a new school, and get new friends easily.

Your mental health is what is important here. I am sure you and your ex can sort out access arrangements and she'll soon be old enough to be put on a train one end and collected from the other.

You sound as though you have been a saint about the affair by the way, you really do.

Thanks Jesuswhatnext, he has set himself up very nicely. Our marriage was a good one but we lacked the support nearby family gives to a marriage, he has that now.

Just one brother lives close to my parents and his wife is ill. The rest are scattered throughout the UK, but do visit often, but all have commitments where they live. As the eldest daughter, it'll be me that deals with their care.

I'm 50, so getting another job would not be so easy. I'm well paid at present. I don't want to settle here, so am not interested in dating etc, though have tried this in an attempt to stay settled. It would be very difficult at 55 to move and get another job in the area where I'm from.

Yes it does sound like you need to go home
Could you live with your parents until house is sold & a new one bought?

Spiritualknot, two years after splitting is still such a short time - of course you are still grieving. And the fact they are getting married is such a turning of the screw.
Everything is hitting you now and that feeling of failure is quite normal - their forthcoming marriage is making you feel even more of a failure.

I think we have to view a marriage breakdown as a relationship that came to its natural end - it's the only way to cope with it.

You are still young and one day you will meet someone (I'm sure that's the last thing you want right now!).

It is easy to believe that everything in their world is coming up roses while you're down in the doldrums. But they will have their own problems to deal with once the Big Day is over. Their relationship was built on lies and deceit and that can cause all sorts of trust issues.

However their happiness/unhappiness isn't your problem. The saying ''the best revenge is to be happy'' has never been so true. YOu are totally in despair now but one day you could be truly happy. Now is the time to take those first steps.

Only you know if moving back home is feasible - if you do it, be aware of the problems that could arise with that.