Need advice, going mad.

[SpiritualKnot]

Have posted in lone parents as well, but know more of the posters on the relationships thread, so any input would be much appreciated.

Ex left me 2 years ago for woman half my age after 20 years of marriage. We've been divorced 14 months. he's marrying her in a few months time. My 12 year old daughter is going to be a bridesmaid at their wedding.

I'm ok with all this. However, my dd is getting very close to this woman's family, she has 2 sisters, parents, a young son and nieces.

Meanwhile I have a family about 200 miles away, with my parents and brothers, sisters and nieces and nephews. I want to move back there as my ex has moved on, my job is terrible here, I've been signed off with stress, my parents are in their 80's and I worry about them constantly. Only one of my brothers lives near my parents and his wife is ill. The rest of my family visit often. I can't visit often due to work, dd and travel problems. My dd loves my family,but last time we saw them was June last year.

I feel my dd is spending time with this girl's family when she could be spending time with my own. My life here is awful. As soon as ex left 2 years ago I wanted to go home but have held off coz of dd and her school and contact with her father. But I feel as if I can't go on. I cry most days, my GP and family think I need to go back home. I would want to time things re move so dd can be in new school in September.

I discussed this a bit with my daughter last night and she was crying, as she wants to stay near her dad.I feel as if I've failed at my marriage, failed at my job and if I leave here I'll be failing with my dd. But if I don't leave I'll be failing my parents and will go insane. I would hate it if my dd decided she'd rather stay here with this woman's close knit family when she could be with my close knit family.My dd says she wants to be with me, also, ex and his fiance work shifts so not ideal for her to be with them.

My dd has suggested I stay here a few more years and then we go back to my home town. I feel as if I'm waiting for one of my parents to die so that then I will have to move back there. But I'd rather spend time with them whilst they're both still alive.

Please don't say I'm being selfish, I'm in absolute despair.

SK - im nearly 50 and i admire your spirit! i totally agree with you regarding employment, its a far bigger deal at 55 - i say go for it! you have nothing to lose!

Thanks everyone it's been really helpful to look at the options.

I feel that the practical advice would be do-able if I wasn't feeling so mentally exhausted.

I will go with my gut instinct, the schools are much better in my home town, she has friends there and I will get the support I need and be there for my parents. We'll find some way round visits for her to see my ex.

Thanks again

x

Yes, I could live at my parents, they have a big house and the cellar has been done out like a Spanish villa and they say I could stay there for as long as needed.

x

SK - one word of caution, make sure ALL the family know you are moving to re start YOUR life, not as a fulltime carer for your parents!

Well that sounds more positive SK. The fact dd has friends and you've got your own Spanish villa to move into - can I come too?

Maybe ease dd into it more smoothly by taking consistent visits down there - maybe calling up her friends in advance so she's got outings and play dates to look forward to before going down?

Ultimately your sanity has to be restored for your sake as well as DD's. I really hope things work out for the both of you - you deserve it x

SK - i have a 9 year old DD and caught my ex h having an affair Xmas 2010- i also have elderly parents- we will have to move because although the house is mine - exh had his own property he is taking me to the cleaners for money- and i am also considering moving away to start somewhere new- i think you have thought about this long and hard and been very brave - but it is your life and your DD will adjust but do it sooner rather than later -the Spring is around the corner this is a good time for new plans- jobs and homes and you have your life ahead of you - i am also 50 and feel optimistic about our future and you will too. All the very best. Dev

As someone who moved areas with my parents when I was 16, i would say that is less of a wrench the younger you are. My older sister at 20 found it really difficult, I missed friends and felt isolated but my younger sister at 12 found it far easier and she made many new friendships at school, which had time to develop.

I think your DD is young enough to adjust and as long as you ensure that she has many social outlets, she should be okay.
Better now than when she has embarked on her GCSE courses, which would be really disruptive.

natasha - i agree with you regarding the 'eldest daughter' comment but this move is about a great deal more than simply looking after the elderly parents. the op is unhappy where she is and wants to rebuild her life in an area she is at home in, the dd is only 12, she will make friends very easily and her mother will be happier, that sounds fair to me!

Anyone who has ever looked into what social services will provide for aged or ill parents will know that this is likely to be the absolute minimum or nothing in my experience - my Mother has advanced vascular dementia and my poor Dad gets no support whatsoever - they live in Cornwall which is particularly stretched but this is a national problem so i understand your desire to support them.

Also SK i moved schools and home when i was 14 and i can honestly say that although i wasnt happy about it at the time within a few weeks /months of moving i was able to adapt and i look back on this as a reallly positive thing- i moved away from friends and close family members with only my Mom and Dad so it is slightly different but i was fine and even went on to do better at school academically and socially.

I think you are missing the point, you have a 12 yo DD who doesn't want to move from her dad, you've already explained that you can't drive well so chances of you bringing daughter back for visits is slim, you sound really jealous that she gets on with the OW family and to be honest I hope if you do take this course, dad gets some serious legal advice. Dad would have some serious justification in his DD staying near and then it will be put to her at that age where she wants to live.

Would you still move if DD said she wanted to stay at her dads full time and visit you once per month and skype call you!??!

I think now is the time to move - a few years later and it'll be GCSEs - and then you will feel you can't move because you'll be disrupting that. Move now so your dd can get settled at school.

The benefits to you and your parents will be great and you won't be eating your heart out to leave. She will adjust and bond with your extended family and be able to maintain a good relationship with her father and his side through skype and all that. It won't be that long before she is able to do the journey to her dad on her own, anyway.

Hi, jesus - yes I know kids are adaptable, but there are circumstances here which might make it a little less straightforward.

But reading your additional posts, it all sounds quite positive, Spiritual. As you say, the schools are good and there is space for you at your mum and dads. It will give you bit of breathing space and a great deal of comfort, after what you have been through, to be there.

12 is certainly a better age that (say) 14 in relation to school etc. I think if you're decided, then the sooner the better.

I should add, you need to have plans in place to reassure your daughter that she will still be able to see her dad regularly for school holidays etc.

Kids move all the time, 12 is early enough in secondary school to not be trying to get in with long standing friendship groups. Sometimes as the adult you have to make an executive decision.

If and when you do move, if your dd didn't settle would it be a truely awful thing if she did end up living with her father?
If you relocated during the summer holidays that would give her some time to try it out before the school year started. I wouldn't neccessarilly let her know that she has the option of being with her father (if you decided that could be a possibilty) but keep it in the back pocket if it obvious she is not settling.

OP, remember that if your ex applies to change the custody arrangements because he's not happy about your daughter moving 200 miles away, and the case goes to court, your daughter is now old enough to tell the court what her preference is. You may be making her choose between her parents. I don't think this is a good thing for any of you.

Go. Go now.

Go while your daughter is young enough to be willing to go with you (albeit reluctantly) and start afresh.

Don't underestimate the silent drag-down of having a Mum who isn't happy. Yes, of course she is reluctant at the idea. She's 12, old enough to appreciate the upheaval but not old enough to see the big picture.

I would make a guess that within a year she will blossom, not least because at last she'll have not only a Dad with a new family who is happy (in his own evidently very selfish translation of what that means!) but also a Mum who is able to develop the same new strong foundations to life.

I bet you that within a year she will benefit from this, though she'll probably still be too young to articulate the change.

I can understand your reluctance and your feelings that you are putting your needs ahead of hers. But to be honest I see your current situation as pretty unsuitable for your daughter, and very uncertain too. The parent she actually lives with is stressed and unhappy. That's not good. She's also missing out on a lot of family contact she isn't even aware of not having iyswim, a lot of depth to her life (and life-long bonds) that are withering on the vine right now. By contrast, she seems to 'have it all' at her dad's, and that's how she sees it right now. But this is precarious: her dad is evidently a very selfish person who has by his actions over the last few years put her needs way down the list. Her 'stepmother' has no duty or loyalty to her and with the best will in the world, doesn't sound of an age or an experience to want to be a surrogate parent of any real worth. I wonder how truly supportive and loving the all-new cuddly 'instant family' would be once your lovely 12 year old enters her difficult teen years? Is her father planning a second family? If so, sorry to be negative, but I can imagine that selfish dad and very young stepmum are the ideal candidates to handle including her once baby comes along pretty badly. So new wife's parents dote on her - great. What will they be like when/if her half sibling comes along and provides a 'real' grandchild?

Sorry to be so negative about your ex and his new situation, it sounds like you and your daughter have handled the damage he has caused admirably well. But in your shoes now that I know what a shit her dad is capable of being, I'd be looking to protect my DD in ways she can't yet be aware of. Couple that with the misery you're in now (and why should you live your life like that?!) and I'd be packing right now.

Your update. Yay!

Good luck!

Move, you'll be happier and ultimately so will your DD.

And to those of you saying the DD might want to live with her dad and the OW... You're all assuming the dad and OW as newlyweds will want a 12 y/o living with them... disturbing their cosy little set up. I doubt it.

I keep thinking about your aged parents and how unhappy you will be if you don't move to be near them. It's very unlikely that they will still be alive in five years time and then you will have to live with the thought that you let them down. That is not really true, you would not be letting anybody down whatever the decision you make, but it will feel like that. Your daughter might blame you for moving, but she has much more chance of settling with you where you go, if she already has a friend base there. And you will have living accommodation there and a job to do i.e. looking after your parents.

I would say:"Go", too.

reallyincertain - perhaps the dds father rather missed the point when he decided to have an affair and then leave the family home - finding that his exwife might just decide to move was a 'point' he should have thought about!

A moot point but I've always found it distasteful when a parent has their child as a bridesmaid/page for their new marriage. Especially when in this situation there was infidelity involved.

A selfish pair who deserve each other - and call me a bitch if you like - but it makes me snigger to think of this middle aged man trying to keep up with his trophy bride.

SpiritualKnot just sit back and watch - love's young dream they aint!

jbuckley - couldn't agree more.
My DCs were page boy & bridesmaid at their father's marriage to the woman he left me for. They were not only the only family present, they were the only people on his side at all!!!!!