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Original poster

My DH had an affair with my best friend - what to do?

78 replies

imupsetandconfused · 07/02/2012 10:08

I have name changed but i am a part time poster and full time lurker

Quick background i have been with DH for 20 years and have 2 DC (DS 8 and DD 10) I met this friend through work about 15 years ago and have been very close ever since. We meet up several times a week she went on holidays with up a few times and is very close to the kids and often looks after them.

My DH confessed to an affair a few nights ago after one too many to drink he said it had been going on for 3 years and finished a year ago. I asked for details and he said they did everything except full sex (not sure if that matters or is believable after 3 years?) all this time we were going out the three of us for drinks and went away together during this time. She is not with anyone - which now makes sense as she was with my DH. I can't believe they were so deceitful and met up so many times behind my back and for so long 3 years. I thought there maybe something going on and asked them both a few years back and they both denied it.

After this was revealed last week, I confronted my BF and she confirmed it was true.

I have no idea what to do, a bit of me wants to kick him out as this seems like the ultimate betrayal and I feel devastated I?m really close to my BF but our lives are so intertwined, how could either of them do this to me.

But should I forgive him for the sake of the kids, I do love him but I can't think straight, can we move on from this. Should I go to relate, does this work? A part of me still loves my best friend as well and feels I should forgive her and still meet up for drinks as the three of us but this is madness is it not, but what do i tell my kids why we don't see my bf anymore? My head is a mess and I?m not thinking straight.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2012 10:11

What they have done to you is awful Sad, a terrible betrayal. Right now I wouldn't see either of them until you feel less mixed up.

You can't carry on with both of them and you deserve so much more than that pair of fuckers.

YuleingFanjo · 07/02/2012 10:15

I would start by asking him to leave for a while.
Obviously the trust is gone and you can't trust either of them.

I would dump her as a friend completely and then decide what to do RE your relationship. If you are going to fight then it should be that you fight for your relationship with your husband not your friendship with this woman.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2012 10:15

That's awful Sad my H had an affair with a mutual friend too - we all were still meeting up with our kids etc throughout the affair, such a terrible betrayal.

You need time and space to process your thoughts. If you decide you want to give it a go, your H has got a lot of hard work to do, he has got to do everything to help you recover and fix the marriage, and that includes honesty and transparency, cutting all ties with OW, being willing to answer questions, full access to his mobile and emails. He will need to look into himself to see what permitted him to treat you in this way.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/02/2012 10:16

If you are going to fight then it should be that you fight for your relationship with your husband not your friendship with this woman.

Your H has to do all the fighting if he wants you back.

Bucharest · 07/02/2012 10:19

You get rid of both.

I don't personally think you can move on from this. Especially because you have been married for so long and because she is (was) your friend.

Many many years ago, I slept with the best friend of the man I was (and on some level still am) in love with. Once. I still hate myself for that, and although I have since been told by a 3rd party that my ex bears me no ill will for what happened, it was always clear back then that there would be no going back.

Three years is longer than a lot of marriages. Remember that.

You are still reeling from the shock at the moment, but if I were in your place I'd be forgiving no-one. If your children are old enough, I'd not be worrying about them knowing the truth either, it's lies and cover-ups that hurt, not the truth.

Charbon · 07/02/2012 10:19

You're too much in shock to make decisions just yet, so I would insist on breathing space from both of them. Don't go to Relate yet either - wait until the shock has passed and things start to make more sense.

This is a double betrayal and I get the feeling they think you should accept this as the affair is apparently over. But an affair is never over while the two people are still in contact with one another. This has been an elaborate deceit and they have both lied to you for a long time, probably leading you to think you were paranoid and suspicious despite all the clues. You may have felt you were losing your mental health while this was going on. The cruelty of that is often more difficult to cope with than the affair itself.

Whether you part eventually or stay together, your husband should be the person who explains this to your children.

Gumby · 07/02/2012 10:20

She isn't a friend
I'd cut her off completely & tell dh to have no contact with her at all
Then you can decide whether to make a go of things with him
But you can't do that with her in the picture
She's made her bed now she's got to lie in it

Bucharest · 07/02/2012 10:21

PS and do not believe for one second the bit about no full sex.Do not let him insult your intelligence by trying that one. What were they doing? Holding hands and watching the sun set?

ABatInBunkFive · 07/02/2012 10:21

I'd need some space to think, poor you what a shock to the system. Why did he confess?

they are the ones that have done wrong, although the ball is now in your court they caused all this. Sad

PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2012 10:22

What a pair of utter cunts. Sorry, OP, mad on your behalf.

Don't drive yourself crazy trying to work all of this out now, you are going to be all over the place til the shock sets in I suspect. I echo getting him away from you for a while at least or forever

As for the "friend", well, she is as bad as him. Get as far away from her as you possibly can. I am so sorry you have been so badly betrayed. It will be a long road, but things will get better, I promise. Small steps. Look after your health, try and get some sleep, eat little and often. Then, when things are clearer, you will hopefully be strong enough to tackle things your way.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 10:23

they had full sex, love

at least don't fool yourself about that bit

Original poster
imupsetandconfused · 07/02/2012 10:23

MadAbout I feel for you I wish i didn't but I know what it is like, it is the ultimate betrayal. I feel I can't trust anything he says, the last years were all a lie. He says things weren't right between us over this period but I had no idea. Why could he not discuss this rather than meeting up with my best friend. They were meeting at least every week over the course of this time and would meet up then on several times meet me afterwards, they both made me feel like I was going mad when I asked them if anything was happening. I have always seen his phone and email and never any bad texts they were really careful/deceitful. I feel like a complete mug!

OP posts:
kilmuir · 07/02/2012 10:24

Poor you. 3 years and no sex between them. Call me a cynic but I doubt it

YuleingFanjo · 07/02/2012 10:27

" If you are going to fight then it should be that you fight for your relationship with your husband not your friendship with this woman.

Your H has to do all the fighting if he wants you back.
"

this is true, but the OP seemed to suggest that her friendship was as important as her relationship.

Charbon · 07/02/2012 10:28

You had no idea because he is of course rewriting history about things being bad between you.

I thought you'd say that about thinking you were losing your sanity. It's so cruel.

Keep an open mind about the sex. FWIW I have known that to be true but sex is sex and infidelity is infidelity. It really doesn't matter whether it was intercourse, other acts are far more intimate.

PostBellumBugsy · 07/02/2012 10:28

First of all you are not a mug. Do not put yourself down - you have done nothing wrong.
You have been deceived by two people who were very close to you - one of whom vowed to be true to you.
Take your time to think through what you want to do. Don't rush, don't be put under pressure - don't speak to anyone you are not ready to speak to. You are the most important person here, along with your DCs.

fiventhree · 07/02/2012 10:29

I too get the impression that he carelessly divested himself of this information after a few drinks.

He expects that, since it is over for him, and he now has had a year to get his own head sorted out, he doesnt see how this must feel for you.

But for you, this is as bad as the start, with the added problem that you now have to recompute a long period with a double betrayal. How he acts in the coming months will be all important.

Original poster
imupsetandconfused · 07/02/2012 10:30

I think time apart would be a good idea, I can't believe what they have both done. I think he confessed probably to get rid of his guilt. Why did he say they did everything except full sex. What does he mean by everything, why not tell the whole truth now. My kids mean the world to me, it feels like he did not think about the kids at all. As for my friend saying she loves the kids well it does not look like it!

OP posts:
Squitten · 07/02/2012 10:30

3 years and no sex? Really? They must be laughing their heads off if you really believe that...

She would be gone immediately. No question. There are no ties to her beyond friendship and she's shown you how good a friend she is. He would also be gone for now so that you can think what to do about him. You must insist on some proper room to consider what has happened.

Personally, he would be gone permanently if it were me. I think the 3 years of happily lying to my face would be the worst bit. I could never trust him again.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 10:32

OP...he must leave, not you

Squitten · 07/02/2012 10:32

X post.

He said that in the hope that he can claim it wasn't a "proper" affair. He is almost certainly lying.

She quite obviously has no love for anyone in your family or she wouldn't have helped to wreck it

Bucharest · 07/02/2012 10:33

He told you there was no sex in the same way he has told her that you and him have been leading separate lives and not having sex.

Believe me.

Charbon · 07/02/2012 10:34

What he means is that they engaged in every sexual act but stopped short of penetrative sex. That may or may not be a lie. For some people, their twisted morality allows them to think that infidelity hasn't really happened unless there is penis in vagina (PIV) sex. But as I said, it doesn't really matter. You wouldn't feel any worse if they had experienced PIV sex.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2012 10:35

Or she loved your family so much, she wanted to have it

However, your H must take the consequences now. He is the one who took his marriage vows.

Send him on his way, with no gaurantee that he is ever coming back to the family he has wrecked beyond all recognition

flywiththecrows · 07/02/2012 10:35

OP is there any sign of remorse from your husband or your friend?

It's not clear from the OP and I suppose that's where my starting point would be.