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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH had an affair with my best friend - what to do?

78 replies

imupsetandconfused · 07/02/2012 10:08

I have name changed but i am a part time poster and full time lurker

Quick background i have been with DH for 20 years and have 2 DC (DS 8 and DD 10) I met this friend through work about 15 years ago and have been very close ever since. We meet up several times a week she went on holidays with up a few times and is very close to the kids and often looks after them.

My DH confessed to an affair a few nights ago after one too many to drink he said it had been going on for 3 years and finished a year ago. I asked for details and he said they did everything except full sex (not sure if that matters or is believable after 3 years?) all this time we were going out the three of us for drinks and went away together during this time. She is not with anyone - which now makes sense as she was with my DH. I can't believe they were so deceitful and met up so many times behind my back and for so long 3 years. I thought there maybe something going on and asked them both a few years back and they both denied it.

After this was revealed last week, I confronted my BF and she confirmed it was true.

I have no idea what to do, a bit of me wants to kick him out as this seems like the ultimate betrayal and I feel devastated I?m really close to my BF but our lives are so intertwined, how could either of them do this to me.

But should I forgive him for the sake of the kids, I do love him but I can't think straight, can we move on from this. Should I go to relate, does this work? A part of me still loves my best friend as well and feels I should forgive her and still meet up for drinks as the three of us but this is madness is it not, but what do i tell my kids why we don't see my bf anymore? My head is a mess and I?m not thinking straight.

OP posts:

olgaga · 07/02/2012 11:58

Well, have a chat with your sister. My guess is she'll be as horrified as everyone else on this thread. Presumably she knows her too?

I wouldn't contact your "friend" again - whatever she says will only pile on the agony. I don't see how it will help you.

QuintessentialyHollow · 07/02/2012 12:04

I dont think talking to your "friend" will help at all. I think you just need to regards her as gone and out of bounds. She has lied and deceived you for years, what do you expect her to do now?

Talk to your sister, it is good to get some perspective from friends and family.

Charbon · 07/02/2012 12:10

Posters keep using the term 'no sex' but even he's not saying that. He's admitted to having sex with the OW, just not penetrative sex. Sometimes that's because of the Bill Clinton style of morality or sometimes it's because of erectile dysfunction that prevents penetration, but works for other acts. Having sex though covers so many things as well as the PIV act. Of course he might also be lying, but I wouldn't rule out the alternatives I've suggested.

Glad you're going to talk to someone in RL OP. I'm not sure talking to your ex friend would be sensible today. This morning you were sounding as though you still thought your friendship could be rescued and that was shock talking. Wait for that to pass and for your anger to come through.

PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2012 12:11

I agree, save your energy, keep this lowlife well away from you, it will just hurt you more at the moment. Don't rule anything out for the future though, it might help you at some point to have a massive f**king go at her talk to her. Just maybe at the moment you need to look after yourself first.

SparklyRedShoes · 07/02/2012 12:13

No, No don't speak to 'Friend' yet. As I said I would simply never speak to her or give her the time of day again. You are not coming from a strong enough place yet to confront her. You are not angry yet you are still hurt.

Being as she is a highly manipulative person, she will attempt to emotionally wrangle her way out of her guilt in the situation and likely you will be the one on the defensive, feeling sorry for her, or feeling even more mentally and emotionally screwed up. Nothing to be gained by confronting her now, I'd speak to someone you trust first and let this sink in for at least a couple of days further first.

SparklyRedShoes · 07/02/2012 12:16

Also, she probably knows by now that you know and has been thinking up what to say and how to react. She'll put on the waterworks, say they never had sex, lie etc. Only confront when you have cut her out of your life mentally.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 12:16

Speechless
She would no longer be my friend.
He would no longer be my husband.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
A pox on them.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 07/02/2012 12:21

Oh no how awful for you.

I agree with others in that of course they have had sex, and also don't think you should speak to your 'friend'. She is no friend of yours - she would probably use you to try and find out what your DH has said etc. Don't let her see you in all your vulnerability.

Speak to your sister and ask her for help - you need someone to offload to.

But neither of them can be trusted. I don't think you should try and forgive him for the sake of the kids. he has fucked it up too much I think. I don't see how anyone could forget a betrayal like thisa.

QuintessentialyHollow · 07/02/2012 12:24

Why did he admit it? Does he want to be with her now?
Is he hoping you will end the marriage now?

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 07/02/2012 12:25

Oh and to answer your point - what does he mean by everything except full sex - it sounds random and unclear because it's a lie. If you push you'll probably end up being told that he entered but never came or some such crap. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. It's bascially the only thing that he/they can think of to make the absolute worst tale somehow slightly less bad. It's the only thing he can think of to say which might somehow redeem him somewhat, that he held back, that he had some loyalty. God knows why you would believe such crap. It is crap. No matter anyway though, as if it improves the situation. The fact that he thinks it worthy of mention makes him even more despicable.

For him to even think that at this point it's worth him saying 'Ah! but remember I didn't actually do x you know' - just - well, there are no words.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 07/02/2012 12:31

Oh and don't talk to her - please. Not right now. Give yourself time to get your head in a better place before you speak to her - if you ever do.

I can understand the urge, but remember this is not a friend. You won't get a word of truth from her; even if you did, you wouldn't know whether to believe it.

Her comments will be useless at best and incorrect, misleading and distressing at worst. I can understand you wanting to hear 'her side of it', but DON'T do that in order to find out what was going on - that isn't what you'll hear, you'll be hearing her justification and the ways in which she thinks she can minimise it. That is going to be unhelpful for you right now and lead you in the wrong direction.

And yes, see a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

Squitten · 07/02/2012 12:32

Don't speak to your ex-friend. She can't tell you anything you don't already know and she will only want to absolve herself of her guilt.

I wouldn't leave the home either. I wouldn't trust him not to keep you out once you're gone. HE should go

daytoday · 07/02/2012 13:16

Why did your husband tell you about the affair? Being drunk isn't the real reason. He's (they) kept it secret for so long.

Is your friend married?

I am pretty sure there is more to this. Are they thinking of setting up together?

Original poster

imupsetandconfused · 07/02/2012 13:26

I'm not really sure why he said think that he wanted to off load the guilt, which is lovely of him!! My friend is not with anyone and wasn't during the time they were together to my knowledge. He says it was a massive mistake and he wants to stay with me, I don't think they are planning on setting up together but who knows. I thought I knew both of them but now I don't have a clue and all they have said in the past few years seems to be based on a massive lie. If it was a one night stand it would be better in some ways than a 3 year relationship with my best friend, the deceipt would be less if you see what I mean. I am going to speak more to him this evening once I have spoken to my sister.

OP posts:

CarrieAnnRegardless · 07/02/2012 13:28

It's completely reasonable to want time to absorb all this.
People do recover from situations like this, marriages can be saved, and I know at least one couple / group of friends who have recovered all the old friendships in time.

However, not all at once and not quickly.

There are no 'shoulds' or 'oughts' with regard for your own feelings. You don't have to decide to end your marriage now, or to soldier on.

How about:

Time to think - possibly, if you felt like it, some counselling to help you get yourself orientated and think about your own feelings
(If you decide on this course of action) Couple counselling with your DH, if he is prepared to really fight for your marriage.
and then, only then, and once you know whether you are heading for divorce or well on the way to a re-strengthened marriage, think about further communication with your friend.

Why do you think he told you? Was it guilt? Was he unable to live with what he has done?

PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2012 13:37

You know, daytoday is right, there is more to this. I mean, they have been so expertly deceitful and then he suddenly blabs for no reason? Yes, there is the guilt theory of course, but I would be demanding answers on this if I were you. Why now, in particular? Perhaps they did not finish a year ago, and she was threatening to tell you, and that is why he drunkenly "confessed". I am not trying to pile on the agony, really I'm not. I just think you should be prepared for more lies, sadly.

Gleek · 07/02/2012 13:43

I'm so sorry to read this, the complete and utter betrayal by two of the people you're closest to must be just devastating :(

I completely agree with the posts advising you not to speak to your friend, certainly not today, IMO don't ever speak to her. Cut her off and get her the hell out of your life and yes it may seem sad for your children who are close to her but remember it was her and your husband who did this, not you.

I expect your children are old enough to sense that there is something going on probably won't ask any questions.

Take some time and tell people, speak to as many friends/family as possible, you need all the support you can get.

ChickensGoMeh · 07/02/2012 13:47

Oh OP :( How bloody devastating. I agree with the others, you should take as much time as you need o process what you've learned. Don't be rushed in to making any decisions, and if you need him to leave I hope he respects that You must be so shocked and hurt, I'm not surprised you don't know which way is up. Just keep this front and centre: you did nothing wrong here.

daytoday · 07/02/2012 16:42

Three years is an awfully long time. I can totally understand what you say, that a one night stand (impulsive mistake) is entirely different to a 3 year relationship. A three year mistake that kept repeating itself. The fact that it was with a friend is horrific. She deserves to be named and shamed - how can people live with themselves . . . .

I am so so sorry you have been so awfully let down by this woman (not a friend) and your husband. Honesty and trust are not too much to expect from anybody.

eandz · 07/02/2012 18:57

OMG! I'm on the edge of my seat. What advice did your sister give you? All of this i just so devastating.

AttillaTheMum · 07/02/2012 20:21

What did your sister say? Have either if them actually seemed sorry?

lazarusb · 07/02/2012 22:05

Op - My mum had an affair with my dad's bf for 3 years. They split when I was 11. I have never seen anyone in as much pain as my dad was, ever. I feel for you. He still talks about the poison they injected into every aspect of our lives. My childhood memories are skewed, different things added up over the years. My dad wanted to rebuild things with my mum but I'm glad they didn't. He deserved much, much better than that.
Horrific betrayal. Sending you a huge hug.

Lueji · 07/02/2012 22:59

That is a double betrayal, as she is supposed to be your best friend. :(

How do you even know it ended?
Once a liar...

Regroup and think carefully about what you want.

Personally, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust them again.
Even if I decided to stay with OH, she would have to go.

Lueji · 07/02/2012 23:00

In fact, actually, I might possibly forgive a one off, specially if confessed immediately, but not an affair.

daytoday · 08/02/2012 12:00

How are you? You must feel like you are in a horrible dream. Have been thinking of you.

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