My DH had an affair with my best friend - what to do?

[imupsetandconfused]

I have name changed but i am a part time poster and full time lurker

Quick background i have been with DH for 20 years and have 2 DC (DS 8 and DD 10) I met this friend through work about 15 years ago and have been very close ever since. We meet up several times a week she went on holidays with up a few times and is very close to the kids and often looks after them.

My DH confessed to an affair a few nights ago after one too many to drink he said it had been going on for 3 years and finished a year ago. I asked for details and he said they did everything except full sex (not sure if that matters or is believable after 3 years?) all this time we were going out the three of us for drinks and went away together during this time. She is not with anyone - which now makes sense as she was with my DH. I can't believe they were so deceitful and met up so many times behind my back and for so long 3 years. I thought there maybe something going on and asked them both a few years back and they both denied it.

After this was revealed last week, I confronted my BF and she confirmed it was true.

I have no idea what to do, a bit of me wants to kick him out as this seems like the ultimate betrayal and I feel devastated I?m really close to my BF but our lives are so intertwined, how could either of them do this to me.

But should I forgive him for the sake of the kids, I do love him but I can't think straight, can we move on from this. Should I go to relate, does this work? A part of me still loves my best friend as well and feels I should forgive her and still meet up for drinks as the three of us but this is madness is it not, but what do i tell my kids why we don't see my bf anymore? My head is a mess and I?m not thinking straight.

Yes, these are all his lies, he is the mug, he has blown your life together apart. He's still lying now.

Have you got some RL support, some real friends/family who can help you?

The penetration (or lack of ) matters far less than the total deciet they have shown to you. What is a marriage if not total trust in the beloved?

There is no marriage left to save here, in my honest opinion. The lies went on too long, way, way too long. They stole three years from you. I realise the shock must be incredible but I get the sense from your post that you are playing this down a little, with talk of drinks withe the three of you in the future. I know this can be simply a longing to rewind to better times, but it could also be that they are making you feel this is not the huge deal it actually is. You seem too calm. I really hope I'm wrong. If I were you I would tell him to leave, you need time and space now to think. So very sorry. What a pair of total shits.

How awful.

I dont think you can possible still consider her a friend? She has behaved like your worst enemy! Clearly she does not love you, she does not care about your children. Dump her.

And let your husband know that if he has any desire to keep the marriage, he needs to ensure he never speaks to her or sees her again. It is too early for you to decide if you can live with his lies and deception, so ask him to leave while you get your head sorted.

See a solicitor about divorce proceedings, just so you have the facts.

Dont be afraid that he will run to his lover. If he does, it is better that you know sooner than later that she is the one he wants to be with.

Of course they were having sex

I would be asking telling him to leave while I got my head around this news, and wouldn't be in contact with this 'friend' either. She has been looking after your dcs, meeting up with the two of you, and going on holiday with your family, all while having a long affair with your husband! They are both as deceitful and disloyal as each other.

"He says things weren't right between us over this period" he is trying to pass the blame on to you then?
What did he do about things 'not being right'?

You are not at fault, he will try to make this your fault but he is the one who had the affair.

OP my heart breaks for you because finding out your DH is/has had an affair is exactly when you need your best friend. So I understand why you are feeling so lost and reluctant to let them go because they are the two people you would normally turn to, which means that you are going to have to be even stronger.

I agree with the posters who say she has to be history. You feel like you need her in your life now because she's been there for so long, but her betrayal is something you will never EVER be able to come back from. You say you feel like a 'mug' now but you weren't - you didn't know. But now you do know....

I also agree with the posters that tell you he has to leave the house and give you some space to think. If there is any chance your marriage can be saved, he also has to agree to have NO CONTACT with your ex-friend.

I also agree with the posters who say 'of course they had sex'. His insistence on it being everything but, was him backtracking/arse covering in the most selfish way. He told you because he wanted to off-load the guilt but he withheld information in order to keep his options as wide open as possible.

What you need to do now is:

1. Ask him to leave - set the ground rules for you as a couple in crisis. Agree what you will tell your DC
2. Tell your friend to leave you and your family alone. It's over
3. Contact all the other friends and family and tell as many people as many details as you want - no shame - and lean on them as much as you need
4. Keep posting here if it helps.

God I feel for you :(

Of course things were not right between you at the time, he was dipping his dick elsewhere, and had his fantasies and desires firmly vested with another person!

How long in advance of the onset of this affair had he started desiring her? When did he allow himself to become besotted and fancy her? When did he allow himself to detach from you and your marriage and your family, so he could go shag her more or less guilt free behind your back?

If anything was wrong between you, it was because he engineered it so to justify cheating.

It is a head fuck I know which is why you need time and space.

As for the no sex claim, I found that it was the emotional intimacy and closeness they shared that hurt more than the sex. The fact that he was thinking of her during holidays, birthdays and other special family times made me want to hurl.

I also agree he is probably rewriting history, trying to justify his disgusting behaviour. Remember he chose to have the affair instead of investing time and energy in the marriage.

Yes I agree with Quint. They are saying the affair went on for three years, but of course it was longer than that. It started from the moment their friendship took a different turn. When you're coming out of your shock and start recalling the last few years, you might even be able to pinpoint when that was. When something changed about him and something changed about her. At the time, you might have thought you weren't getting on very well, but attributed it to other pressures. The awful thing about a deceit like this is that you will have to 'rewrite' the whole period based on this new information.

Dump the bitch friend. What person let alone friend is so hard that they could not only have an affair with a married man, but also do so whilst looking you in the face as well as your DCs and not feel so conscience stricken that they at least stop the affair? She is a very very selfish person, as well as deceitful. You deserve so much better. The two people you love dearly have little respect for you I'm afraid and I personally would never speak to your 'friend' again. Not one word. Ever. Again. She knew how much she could hurt you.

Re: husband that too would be over. He has no respect for you to do something like this with someone he knows you love too. Think only about yourself and your DCs. Leave this rat.

My best friends fiancee suggested me and him have an affair because it was so convenient for us. He said, with you and her so good friends, and the four of us (I was married, and had a child!) meeting up so often, and us sleeping over at yours, your husband and my fiance will never suspect a thing. We have the perfect excuse to see eachother, as we are such good friends.

He said that. He rang me to say that we were meeting half an hour earlier. I was supposed to meet them in town and bring them back to our house. I arrived to the coffee shop to find that only HE was there, his fiance was coming at the time we had arranged earlier.

He was right of course. Neither of our partners would ever really have suspected.

I imagine your husband and friend must have had a similar conversation at some point. Neither of them had the moral stoppers to think this was wrong, only that it was an opportunity too good to miss.

I told my friend what her fiancee had suggested. She was naturally shocked. They split up not long after. Lucky escape I would say.

OP, what your husband and friend has done, is not that uncommon, it is like my friends ex said, a perfect affair with little chance of discovery. But, it is also a double betrayal.

If your friend had been a friend to you, she would NOT shagged your husband for three years. Sorry.

I wouldn't be able to come back from that, no.

First thing - her - she is no friend. It doesn't matter how 'entwined' your lives are - there is nothing worth valuing there, she is not a friend. She is a scumbag, through and through. Get rid, immediately.

I hate the use of the word 'fight' in these situations. Oh the drama of it! (not directed at you OP, it's the language everyone seems to use but I think it cheapens everything here). 'He must fight to get you back - blah. Well lay aside the idea of him entering a flurry of dramatic gestures, pleading, fighting - and think. The cold hard truth is that you know what your husband thinks of the value of truth, honesty, decency, and you know what level of respect he affords you - fuck all. You KNOW that. You KNOW what he thinks of you, the way he treated you for years and years.

He and she watched you tie yourself in knots, lied to your face. Watched you suspect them. Imagine the conversations they must have been having immediately afterwards, plotting and working out how they could both use the trust you had in them, and the fact that they knew you better than anyone, to deceive you about the most important things in your life.

I would NEVER be able to forgive here. The level of betrayal is absolute. Oh, and loving your kids? She does, does she? Well, apart from confirming for a worthless piece of crap any emotion this 'woman' might pretend to feel, for that comment, I fear that she'd have had my fist in her face.

Oh and they never had 'full sex' Ahahahahahahahaha

I really feel for you OP.

My head is spinning and I have not been able to sleep or really think straight. In RL it is my friend i would have turned to but I can't; it feels my marrige is over and i have no support network around me. Anytime I had an issue with my DH I would speak to her about it, this makes it even worse. Where was his respect for me or my DC?

...they have destroyed everything. The two most important people in your life by sounds of it (besides dc) have shit on you from a great height.

If this is WWYD...I would chuck him out....I don't give people second chances to cheat on me again...once is more than someone can take in a lifetime.

Your friend...what friend? Gone!

I am single mum and have become best friends with lovely mum...they have embraced me...it was her husbands 50th last week. I didn't want to but felt I had to buy him a present (only vino). Why I didn't want to buy anything? Because I know you don't cross barriers..you love and respect your friends in a way you don't cross barriers but you don't show your love by shagging their husband.

Tbh, you will end up hating yourself for allowing this sham of a marriage to carry on...sorry but you will need to face your demons here (fears of future etc). I really really feel for you. As AF said early on this was not a one nighter...it was years long!

Do you have any family or other friends?

Well, I really urge you to book a free half hour with a solicitor, if nothing else it will give you back a bit of control, psychologically speaking. They have pulled the rug from under you, and knowledge is power so go and find out what your rights are, and post on here-there is always someone here, day or night x

OP on a practical level. Who else is there in your life. Even if it seems like the immediate answer is 'nobody' - think about less obvious friends. Is there someone who you 'sense' would be a good listener? A kind person? Your situation is awful and anyone with half a heart will be sure to want to be supportive.

If not, a doctor/counselor/therapist/church person/teacher?

Or of course a MNer - No idea where you are (I am SW London/Surrey borders) but sometimes a stranger and coffee is a good place to start....

You need someone to talk to in RL because apart from the obvious problem with your marriage, you need help with the void that the loss of your friendship will leave.

As per my last post - the 'friendship' is gone and that is sad and terrible but I PROMISE you that at some point your sadness and shock will turn to anger and it will get easier.

Once you have established how you are going to deal with your feelings, you can begin to think in a clear headed way about whether or not you are interested in allowing your H to try and rebuild your trust.

You and your DC are ALL that matters right now

I dont think there is anyway back to this friendship - ever. Your BF betrayed you and your family. Was she cosying up to your kids so that her and your H could move in together at some point? And get the kids?

I think you should get your anger up and confront her, and tell her exactly how betrayed and hurt she has made you feel. She should face up to the consequences of her behaviour.

As for your H, I agree that he is rewriting history to suit himself, and he has not been truthful about the sex.

WOuld you be OK with her giving him a BJ? What about him giving her oral sex? Mutual masturbation? Sending eachother naked pictures? Swapping phone fantasies?

None of these are "technically" sex, but each one is a dreadful betrayal, full in the knowledge of what they were doing to you. She cannot even claim to have not known about you....she was your BF.

He is just lying because he knows what he is going to lose. I would be interested to know why he felt the need to tell all now...guilt maybe, but they had the perfect cover and you did not suspect, so why now....has she threatened to say something? ARe they still involved? Maybe she knows something...maybe she has something!

I think he needs to move out for a while, and I agree about getting a solicitor. I think that, if he is made to move out, she and him will be back together within weeks.

First off. OP you need a cuddle, so I'm offering a virtual arm around your shoulders.

Lots of people are saying what they would do, but this is YOU. What do you want to do?

You do not need to have this all balanced out and ticked off by the end of the day, decisions about your life take time.

Then ask him to leave. Tell him that as far as you're concerned, your relationship is over. You might not mean it right now, but he needs to see the seriousness of the situation and that he has lost you.

I would tell your 'friend' that your friendship is over and that in reality it stopped the moment she decided to betray you and your children. You really do need to mean that.

Get someone in RL to come and sit with you while you rage. You need to give vent to your feelings with someone face-to-face. The words need to come out.

I am also in south west London, Richmond/Surrey borders, if you want somebody "real" to talk to.

Quintessentialy we are very close :)

OP - honestly you really do need someone to talk to in RL

Please don't kid yourself - this woman is not your friend! Do you really think she would have had a three year affair without hoping he would leave you eventually?

Will you ever be able to trust your husband again? He can't even bring himself to be honest with you now. A three year affair and no sex? Come on!

The affair may be over for him - but you will never be able to forget this betrayal. You are in shock and may well feel you still love him now, which is why you are thinking you might be able to forgive and move on somehow. But when the shock wears off it'll sink in that for four whole years of your life, half of your children's lives, you have all been deceived in a most cruel and despicable manner.

You may feel you still love him now, but when you get over the shock of this you will probably hate him for what he has done to you and your children.

Tell your "friend" to get right out of your lives. If you want to protect your children from the truth, tell them she has changed and you are no longer friends. They'll soon forget about her.

Even if you can salvage your relationship with your husband, which I very much doubt, you won't be able to do it with her lurking around.

And I agree with Fatti - you won't be making him homeless - he'll be moving straight in with her.

I am going to go out for a coffee with my sister this afternoon so I hope that will help being able to speak to her. I am also thinking out speaking to my best friend tonight to try to get my head around it, not sure if that is a good idea or not. I agree I think i could do with a few days apart, think I may ask my sister if i could stay with them for a few days to get my head straight.