Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What hope have I got? DH doesn't want to have children

56 replies

GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:04

We have been together 2 years and have 2 DC, DD1 24 months and DD2 4 months (he is the father of both). He hates children, never has liked them and never will. It is putting a huge strain on our relationship - to put it mildly. What hope have I got of convincing him that life with kids can be fun? I am so fed up of having to do everything with them alone.

OP posts:
MumblingFanjoChops · 05/02/2012 22:10

Have you spoken to him about why he feels the way he does? Was he the only child of his family? What is his relationship like with his girls? I'm sorry for all the questions but it seems a bit strange for him to still feel the way he does when you have two magical little girls!! I hope more people post their suggestions for you, because I think this is something that could change with the right support. Big hugs to you.

oldqueenie · 05/02/2012 22:11

blimey. err, how come you have two dcs together then?

thisisyesterday · 05/02/2012 22:12

:(

we're a bit like this. dp doesn't hate children, but i think he finds them a real chore and he certainly doesn't seem to enjoy them like I do.

i don't think there is anyything you can do about it tbh. you either accept that he is like it, and get along as best you can. or you call it a day.
because at the end of the day you can't force someone to like having children

ajandjjmum · 05/02/2012 22:13

TBF at those ages it can seem like endless chores - but then of course you get the magic moments that make up for it.

'Hates' is a pretty strong word - particularly when he already has children.

olgaga · 05/02/2012 22:14

How sad. You say you've been together 2 years and your oldest DD is 24 months. Did you plan to have a family so quickly?

Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:22

We had never discussed having children, and so they were unplanned. He gets on ok with them both in short bursts. He still wants to live his life as it was pre-babies and have unrestricted freedom to come and go as he pleases. I spend my evenings and weekends alone while he goes out drinking with his mates and playing football. He says I can always get a babysitter if I want to go out too.

OP posts:
Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:24

Maybe hate was a bit strong. He says he doesn't enjoy the company of children and does not want to waste his free time going to the park, children's birthday parties etc.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/02/2012 22:29

wow, he sounds lovely Hmm

do you think he resents them? if you've only been together 2 years how can you already have a 2 year old?

Mumof1plustwins · 05/02/2012 22:31

Sounds damaging for the DCs - they may be young but soon they will cotton on to the fact that daddy isn't bothered. Poor girls. Do they have any other male role models on their life? Grandad, uncle?
I think it's wise not to have anymore children with this man that's for sure...

MumblingFanjoChops · 05/02/2012 22:39

There is nothing wrong with him spending time with friends or going to play football but he needs to understand that he cannot have the same life as he had before because you are now a family. I think if he would accept a weekly routine so that he can do the bits he wants to but also has time to bond with the girls that would be best for all of you, maybe helping get them dressed in the morning and taking turns to bath them would be a great start (if he doesn't do that already) if he doesn't go out on the weekends maybe take the girls to a soft play centre or in the week if you can because it won't be as busy with lots of other children or go to the park, he could play football with your older daughter? Some men find it harder to establish a connection to how they can interact with children, what they can do and teach them. Maybe he just needs some help and reassurance from you. I really hope things get better for you.

Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:39

Sorry, we've been together 3 years, married for 2 and a half. That's part of the problem, everything happened so quickly.
No particularly good role models.
I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and things have turned out ok. I really wanted this relationship to work, but if continues like this... it's destroying me.

OP posts:
MumblingFanjoChops · 05/02/2012 22:41

I did read that he doesn't want to waste his spare time going to the park but you need to tell him that it would be under family time. Just thought I'd put that incase anyone thought I hadn't read what you had put.

Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:42

MumblingFanjoChops he says doing things with the kids is boring. Even if he wasn't doing anything else, he would rather be alone than play with them.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 05/02/2012 22:48

Well, a lot of people find going to work boring, but they still have to do it... That's the nature of adult life: you sometimes have to do things you don't want to. Frankly, he doesn't sound like he will be convinced right now that it is fun, so he needs to understand that it's his responsibility to suck some of this up, because it shouldn't all have to be you.

Many posters on here say that their partners have got better as the kids have got older and more interactive. Maybe this will improve things for you. If not, though, tbh you might as well be on your own, because he will still have to pay maintenance and in fact will have to take some responsibility on his own, but you won't have to keep convincing him to do what he really should do anyway.

What would he say if asked to look after them for the evening while you went out (as opposed to getting a babysitter)?

Mumof1plustwins · 05/02/2012 22:52

I agree you should try find common ground so he can bond before doing anything drastic...but sounds like you may have tried already? If he really tantamount interested then I think you know what you have to do. IME its more damaging to have someone you love around knowing they don't love you back, (especially for

I'm sure someone with more experience will come along soon...

Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:52

He would look after them in the evening, although they're usually in bed by the time he gets home. He definitely needs to suck it up. But if he's not willing to change his attitude then I need to let go of my "happy family" dream. I never imagined in a million years I would be a single mum.

OP posts:
Mumof1plustwins · 05/02/2012 22:54

Hmm my post failed! Stupid iPhone autocorrect !
Agree with poster before me

Mumof1plustwins · 05/02/2012 22:56

See it more as a liberated and happy mum then a single mum. You'll have got rid of a huge weight and can enjoy your dds properly! Smile
Show your dds you don't 'need' a man

Good luck though whatever path you take!

EightiesChick · 05/02/2012 22:59

What's he like around the house, beyond childcare? Does he pull his weight there? How is he on sharing finances? Is he nice to you? All these are other issues to consider alongside the major sticking point.

Off to bed now but I will check back on this thread tomorrow. As asked above, what kind of stuff have you tried as family activities? Does he go along with any of it?

olgaga · 05/02/2012 23:03

Have you thought about Relate? It does sound as though he needs to decide whether he wants to be a family man. He seems to be completely disengaged, as though he thinks the DC were your decision, and are your business - not his.

I think if you suggested couple counselling he might at least see how seriously his behaviour is hurting you, and what a threat it has become to the life you have. If you do get the opportunity to talk together with a counsellor it might at least it might help you come to a decision even if it doesn't resolve the problem.

If he flatly refuses, then you have your answer I'm afraid. There is a chance he might become more engaged as the children get older, but how long can you put up with the situation as it is?

MumblingFanjoChops · 05/02/2012 23:06

I agree with EightiesChick Maybe his attitude will change once the children get older, but then your concern is how long will you have to wait before he sparks an interest in them and the damage that would be done in the mean time because if he continues to ignore them whilst you are together that will be awful but if you were to go your separate ways and he didn't stay in contact that would also affect your daughters dramatically. What is he like when you talk about this subject? What is your relationship like otherwise?

passionsrunhigh · 05/02/2012 23:13

Some men are notorious for not enjoying babies - but things often change once children are 4+ and can communicate verbally - manaer not as intuitive as women in non verbal baby 'talk'. In the old times it used to be like that - father really used to cotton on when a child strarts being more like grown person, not a baby.

igggi · 05/02/2012 23:17

Does he love them though? How does he act when one of them is ill or hurt? I just thinking of the times when dh and I moan about the boredom of time in the park or wherever, and are desperate for time on our own, but in reality we'd walk over hot coals for our LO.

Original poster
GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 23:20

He has no problem with the housework, and I can spend whatever I like. This is the only issue in our relationship. He does think I was the sole decision maker in having children. It is a huge issue. I am a FTM so my DDs are my life, and he doesn't want to be part of that. We have had counselling in the past but sadly nothing has changed.

I tell him the same thing, that things might get better when they're older and more interactive. I have a feeling that he's not going to hang around to find out.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 05/02/2012 23:28

You met and were married and pregnant within 6 months, and now you have two. Having kids is tough in the strongest relationship, which yours isn't. You barely knew him and now you find out he isn't who you thought he was. Time to admit defeat and cut your losses?