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Relationships

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Original poster

What hope have I got? DH doesn't want to have children

56 replies

GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 22:04

We have been together 2 years and have 2 DC, DD1 24 months and DD2 4 months (he is the father of both). He hates children, never has liked them and never will. It is putting a huge strain on our relationship - to put it mildly. What hope have I got of convincing him that life with kids can be fun? I am so fed up of having to do everything with them alone.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 05/02/2012 23:30

He does think I was the sole decision maker in having children

How has he managed to arrive at that conclusion? Hasn't he heard of condoms?

I suggest that if he doesn't intend to use contraception you tell him to tie a knot in it, otherwise there'll be a third reason for him to disengage with the life of the family that he has co-created.

Original poster

GaryNuman · 05/02/2012 23:41

EirikurNoromaour you've hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:

olgaga · 05/02/2012 23:43

I have a feeling that he's not going to hang around to find out.

You have two choices really - hang in there, or end it yourself.

Does he love you? Do you feel he's committed to you? Or do you feel he's just biding his time?

TheSecondComing · 05/02/2012 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 23:51

If you didnt have the children, do you think you would still be with him? You barely knew him when you got pregnant, so you have had no time really to have a life together as a couple, before you were a family.

To my mind, if you are incompatible as a couple, that will always be the way, and staying with each other for the sake of your kids does nobody any good.

You can be good parents separately without being married to each other. You can be married to each other and family life could be crap.

abbierhodes · 05/02/2012 23:57

'I have a feeling he's not going to hang around to find out.'
Do you know how pathetic that sounds? You need to sort this out, your girls are depending on you giving them a nice life. He's not a dad, he's a loser, get rid of him. Don't waste your life waiting to see whether he decides you're good enough for him when you already know that he is nowhere near good enough for you or your beautiful daughters.

May I ask how old you are? You sound very young. If I'm right, then it's even more important that you get him gone- you have your whole life to find someone who values you, treats you as you deserve.

Your babies deserve better than this.

And I know some will flame me, and the discussion will go round and round...counselling, talk to him, ultimatums...but you know the score and it's not going to get better, is it?

CheerfulYank · 06/02/2012 00:07

Is there something he does enjoy that he could share with your children? You said he likes football, could he not take the older one to the park and kick the ball around a little?

With our DS, DH is the "playing" one. I just plain don't like playing with children. I will do it, but the whole getting down on the floor and doing trains or whatever just makes me want to tear my hair out. This is making me sound like a terrible mom, isn't it?! So I've started finding things to do with DS that we can both really enjoy, like cooking or art projects.

But, like everyone's saying, if he can't shape up, he may need to ship out. You and your children deserve more in your life than a background player of a man.

Charlotteperkins · 06/02/2012 00:28

It is going to really emotionally damage your DDs to stay in this set up. Do you want them to grow up expecting this from a relationship?

You need to be looking at the practicalities of divorce.

RachyRach30 · 06/02/2012 03:38

No point in looking back saying you shouldn't have had kids when you knew he didn't like or want them as they are here now. Don't have anymore! I think it's a massive thing if he doesn't spend time with his own kids. It's strange, you'd think he would see it more as a family unit now... Do you get on as a couple? Did you get on before the kids?

DaisyheadMayzie · 06/02/2012 04:15

My dad was like this. He didn't (doesn't) like kids, doesn't like the noise, the relentlessness, has no idea how to play with children (used to read maps with me, or factual books, and can cope with making a lego model with DS, but really struggles if given a pretend cup of tea by DD) and was very open about the fact that he'd rather have stuck with dogs. It was just the way it was. But my mum's goal in life was to have children and he knew from the outset that if he wanted her, he would be a father. She was only 'allowed' 2 babies and he was not an interactive father but it was a while ago and not as much was expected from dads back then - he worked and provided the money and security so my mum could stay home and raise us, which she did with gusto.

It was quite hard for my mum as she had to do everything and never got a break. He never changed a nappy, but that may not have been so unusual in the 70s either.

They are still together, mum is a fab nana and dad is a just about tolerant grandad. He improved when we were older to behave properly and he spent quite a bit of time with us as teenagers when we could go out with him doing his sport. He is very proud of us as adults. It is sad that he wasn't more involved when we were young, and I wonder if he regrets it, but it doesn't have to fall apart. I suppose it depends whether you got pregnant by accident or it was planned - my dad may have been quite happy not to have kids but he went into it with his eyes open.

PeppermintPasty · 06/02/2012 11:43

Isn't this more to do with him being a manchild, expecting to be able to live his life as if he'd never had children? He sounds utterly selfish, and you are being left alone at weekends and weekday evenings so he can go out with his mates? Not acceptable, never mind his bad attitude to the children.

What would happen if you started asserting yourself and telling him what you and the children want and need from him, starting with him growing up and accepting the changes in his life?

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2012 13:50

It seems to me that it's not only children that he doesn't want, but a proper grown-up relationship.

If he thinks that weekends are all about going out drinking with his mates, and that it's okay for you to go out if you get a babysitter, I don't see where he figures in any kind of family life or partnership in there.

RubyLovesMayMay · 06/02/2012 14:25

If you have to try and persuade your DH to like his own children, I think you're already flogging a dead horse.

Im not sure how I feel about "you'll feel better when they're older" thing because look at the heartache its causing you now. Day in day out it will take its toll.

Just how long do you think he's going to "need?" and how long are you willing to put up with this?

It sounds to me like you already are a single parent tbh, so all splitting up with him would do it get rid of the sadness that he isnt involved in his childrens lives.

I'll be honest, if my DH was like this, I could not be with him. I'd have no respect for him, he was happy to make babies with you, then just not bother with them! I love my babies far too much for them to be treated that way.

empirestateofmind · 06/02/2012 14:49

He sounds very resentful and immature I am afraid. I can't believe he would rather be alone than with his girls. What sort of father says that?

However I would not be bothered about the park or party thing. Neither DH nor I liked doing parks or parties with our small DDs, so we didn't.

Parenting is such a marathon and you and your DH are going through the toughest few years ATM; it will get easier and more fun.

Original poster

GaryNuman · 06/02/2012 16:23

I agree with all your comments. He is selfish and immature. I think he would've been perfectly happy not to get married, but we were both impulsive and rushed into it.

I know in my heart that we would be better off without him around, but he is the sole breadwinner and I wasn't planning on looking for work until youngest DD starts school. I.e. In ~4 years..

If it was just not wanting to go to parks etc. I could put up with it. It's all the negativity that gets me down. As examples; lack of interest in what they are doing, lack of support and mutual respect, general sulkiness, intolerance of any misbehaviour.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 06/02/2012 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattiMayor · 06/02/2012 16:46

You and your children would be better off living in a home full of love. No child should have to live with an adult that barely tolerates them. That's soul-destroying.

olgaga · 06/02/2012 22:42

I agree wholeheartedly with Patti, the situation you are describing is really quite oppressive and must be awful for you and your children.

Obviously you will be worried about how you would manage financially, but you can get some good information here if you want to start doing some research...
Benefits calculator:www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DoItOnlineByCategory/DG_172666
Child Maintenance calculator:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ChildMaintenance/Arrangingchildmaintenance/DG_199174
Information about the divorce process:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Gettingadivorce/index.htm
Find a local family law solicitor:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Helltotheno · 06/02/2012 22:52

Did he choose you, ie did he choose to be with you? Was it clear before you got pregnant that you were going to be together or are you together because of the pregnancy?
How did you get pregnant both times? Were either of you using contraception? I can see an accident once but twice?

I'm only asking those questions because it sounds to me like he feels that the decision-making on everything, including being together longterm, was taken out of his hands and is behaving accordingly. Not saying that's right mind you but it would explain his attitude.

springydaffs · 07/02/2012 00:37

He seems to be making his feelings very clear: he's not in the relationship from what I can see. Not just the kids, he just isn't interested to be married, particularly not married with kids.

I'm really sorry. But this is no life for you - as you say, it's destroying you. Nothing is worth that - imo it is destroying you because you're not accepting the truth of the situation: that he is not in this relationship. You would be (much) better off alone, even if it means you will be living on a lower income until you can go to work.

SOLOmanPross · 07/02/2012 00:47

He sounds like a 17 year old! how old is he?

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 08:04

Doh.
Why did he have kids then?
Really, MN has some corkers.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 08:07

After reading MN this past few months, having kids does seem boring and totally frustrating.
All folks considering having kids should come here first.
It would put them right off.

MairyHinge · 07/02/2012 08:31

The thing is your daughters will spend their lives trying to please him, trying to find something that gets a positive response from him, and because of how he feels nothing will ever achieve that.
He will never show ny interest, and whilst it may not be a huge issue yet, just wait til they're older, and want to show him pictures they've drawn, or want him to help with homework.
And teenagerdom,my God that's hard enough, without the blatant and obvious disregard he has for them.
Right now they're in bed when he gets home, but that won't always be the case, he will come in from work, tired and not wanting to interact with them, which will make them want to please him all the more,which will annoy him more= vicious circle.
I think you need to tell him to step up and be a bloody good dad or fuck off.
Your daughters didn't ask to be born, so they shouldn't spend their lives trying to apologise for being here and prove their worthiness to him.

If things don't change they will be emotionally scared by him and may well go on to have damaging relationships with men ( constantly seeking approval).
Good luck.

solidgoldbrass · 07/02/2012 10:04

Cut your losses and dump this man. There is no point trying to change him, people only change when they want to change and he doesn't want to be in the relationship or the family. However, he is legally obliged to contribute financially even though he won't be living with you.
It is possible that, in years to come, he will be an OK father to his DDs even though he doesn't live with them, but right now he is doing them and you no good at all, so get rid of him and you will feel much better.

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